waiting

so here i am, sitting, surfing blogger, waiting for anything to happen. so yeah it's halloween. i'm sitting here doing nothing just as i have most all other halloweens. but hey i'm used to it by now.

so writing in that journal wasn't as fulfilling as i thought it would be. granted i only had 15 minutes to write in it, but still... it was pretty sad. if i had written a first post like that on a blog it would be worthy to delete. but alas, that's what happens when you write on unlined paper. i really think it's the fact that the jounal isn't lined that's making it so hard for me to write. ah stupid me but i've already started writing so i've already ruined the book, might as well keep on trying.

i was thinking today... i have great friends. really, truly, wonderfully great friends. i wish i could've had them forever, instead of going through all that back-stabbing and unloyal crap. bah I MISS HIM!!!

more on that maybe never.

"that was a very sarcastic paper, little one"

so yeah. i don't know what grade i got for it but the fact that she commented didn't make me feel any more at ease.

so the news of the century: well actually it's the only prominent thing that's happened to me recently:

I GOT IT! that's right children, i got flickerstick's original Welcoming Home The Astronauts. it's just as wonderful as the epic release. except that it's the original, which makes it extra special. you can really tell the difference in the songs. for one: they have some background noise in it, which makes it really cool. i was driving in my car listening to it this morning and like a kid screamed in "sorry wrong trajectory" and it scared the shit out of me. but it was really cool. aaahhh i love it. for two (for two? only i could use these phrases in my everyday speech and think nothing of it): the lyrics are different. like, in some places they have the full lyrics, in other places they just have instrumental where in the epic release they had another lyric... aaahhh it's madness i tell you brilliant madness!!!

really this is so exceptionally wonderful. it has "coke" with the naked lyric still intact, it has the good version of "beautiful", it actually has "right way to fly", and yes, the intro in "sorry, wrong trajectory" does go on for an exceptionally long time. the good thing about the epic release is, well, it's a "professional studio" sounding release (but is that better? hmm...), it's actually available at music stores, and it has "smile" and "execution by x-mas lights" on it. minus "right way to fly". but that's ok.

so yeah, 2 cds down, one to go. now i just have to actually write that email...

aaahhh i was talking to matt yesterday and i remembered why i love drama so much.

the possums.

so since david is apparently a really quick memorizer, i'm going to have to actually memorize some pages tonight. i haven't yet started to write in the journal, and i don't know if i will. i'm still too paranoid to actually keep a journal, but i figure i can always buy one of those fire-proof little safes that they have at superwalmart. that or take it with me everywhere so certain people won't get their hands on it...

ok, here's a problem that i'm having... have you ever had this friend within your group of friends that, um, isn't really your friend? like, in the group you can stand being with them, but you wouldn't volunteer to spend any more time with them any other time? so yeah, that's kinda what's going on. kinda. my moods change really frequently lately, so i don't know how i'll feel about it later. chances are that it'll pretty much be the same. i don't know. i try not to dwell on that very much.

ok, cd just ended. i'm off to do homework.

sarcastic much?

ok, so i'm debating actually turning this paper in for a grade. see if it's a little too sarcastic... comments are welcome ONLY if they're about if i should turn it in, not about what i actually wrote. i know that i have no knowledge on political things and this whole US/Iraq issue. i'm very aware that i have no right to say anything 'cause i don't know a damn thing about it. it's just that it's an actual assignment, and a 20% is better than a zero. just remember: this is a very sarcastic paper.

Question: Do you think we should go to war with Iraq?

No, I don’t think we should go to war with Iraq. It’s a stupid idea. So ok, crazy Saddam has nukes. Who cares? We’ve got nukes. I’m more worried about our mentally unstable president with nukes than I am their mentally unstable president with nukes. I mean, their whole thing is (besides hating us in general) that they hate Bush/Bush administration. So I say ok, get rid of Bush. It’s not like we were overly-thrilled when Florida got him into office in the first place. Get rid of Bush, put someone else in charge. Someone who will actually think before going off and killing everyone. Hasn’t Bush done enough damage already? I mean, just because he followed through with the whole “War on Terrorism” thing doesn’t mean anything. Whichever person got elected (*cough* Gore *cough*) would’ve responded pretty much the same way to the whole September 11 episode. Just because Bush didn’t majorly mess up doesn’t mean he’s a great president, or even one we can trust. He’s mentally unstable. In other words, I feel really safe with him having access to nukes. Uh huh. Can you smell the sarcasm in this paper…

I feel that we should not go to war with Iraq. I don’t see why we should attack them because they “might attack us”. Even with all the information (and misinformation) about Iraq having huge nuclear capability or barely any nuclear capability, we shouldn’t go off and start a war with them. It’s like if some guy in your neighborhood was mad at you and started collecting guns, you wouldn’t buy yourself a handgun and go shoot him in the head because he might come after you. Well actually, I guess that’s exactly what Bush is doing, now isn’t it?

mmm transvestites...

i really want a pair of 6 inch heels like he has. they're great.

so yeah watched rocky horror yet again last night. i can never get enough of it.

i was surfing through the other blog's archives, looking for this link. it's almost plan your epitaph day! i encourage everyone to do this. even if you do plan on being cremated.

that's all.

nothing really matters...

so i'm a little worried about myself. i'm actually considering starting to journal. the one thing that i vowed i would never do -- due to my extreme paranoia. i don't know, sometimes it's easier for me to actually write things rather than type them, so i might actually do it. i mean, i have like 5 journals that people keep giving to me... i guess that i look like the journaling type or something.

i don't want to take my glasses off. i've gotten used to them the past week. i'd forgotten how nice wearing glasses is. i don't want to put my contacts back on. ah well i'm wearing contacts for 2 weeks, throwing them away, wearing my glasses for a week, and then continuing with a new pair of contacts.

i really have to start memorizing. this is the shortest time we've ever had to rehearse for a play, and that's really not a good thing. usually the veteran thespians get their lines down with a week to go, and the day of opening night the others get their lines memorized... but then we had them every day, harassing them to learn their lines. now it's like once a week. for what, 2 and 1/2 weeks? wow. wow wow wow i didn't realize it was that close. well, i'm not worried about my guys. they're actually motivated. surprised me a little. serves me right for threatening people to join drama. it's just that with dan and andy and catte and saraphia gone, i feel like there's a huge part missing from the club. like when tim graduated. and i still miss tim. oh well so much for moving on. at least i still have scar and matt and peter and alex. not to mention kyle and daivd, my recruits... oh i feel sort of bad... they had no idea what they were getting themselves into. but still i think it's better than them getting mixed up with the *cough* speechies. i mean... uh... no really, i really like... most of the speechies. it's just, well, ok alex back me up on this one: drama is WAY more tame than speech. bah i should shut up while i still have some friends...

halloween this week. and i, i am going to dress in the regular black getup that i always say i feel comfortable in. it was weird... i don't know if i should feel offended or shocked... jansen was asking people what they were going to be for halloween, and when i said i was just going to wear black she said "i could see you doing that" or something to that effect. totally caught me offguard. like when the rat insinuated that i'm "not good enough to get into a college like berkeley, or any other college like that". bah i wanted to scream at her "do you know that i've been getting stuff from harvard and yale and notre dame and colleges like that since TENTH GRADE!"

but i stifled my compulsion yet again. i've been very good on recognizing my compulsions and stopping them, or at least consciously trying to stop them. of course there is that little fact that i'm getting more and more bugged when things aren't perfect. ah well lose one symptom of ocd, gain another more prominent one.

so much for seeing a movie with alex today.

more good news, bad news

good news:

so i got on last night, borrowed my dad's check card, and bought the cd. which cd? flickerstick's original cd. the cd they put out in like 2000 with 226 records, the original "welcoming home the astronauts". after epic picked them up last year, they re-did WHTA and re-released it, and stopped making the original. that means that there were NO COPIES TO BE FOUND... except used ones on ebay and amazon.com. they just put it back on sale at the connextion, and since i knew this was the last chance i had to get it, i got it. well, i don't exactly have it yet... they said they usually ship within 24 hours, but it could be two weeks. either one is dandy (damn daniel) to me: if i get it next week, i'll have the cd really soon! if i get it in 2 weeks, i'll have the cd for my birthday! win-win situation.

few things can make me as happy as flickerstick can.

bad news:

i don't know if this is really happening, but i've been pissing people off frequently this week. people who are really important to me. the only reason i'm saying anything about it is that after i say something... or tell them to fuck off... i feel really bad. i've just been feeling like everyone is being really mean and weird to me this week, and i really didn't feel like sucking it up and taking it like i always do. so here's what i say: to everyone that was truly being a dick to me this week, fuck off. to all of you who were being your regular selfs and i just got way too moody about it, i'm very, very sorry.

even if you don't know it, you all are very very important to me.

i just spent a good hour and fifteen minutes on the road because of stupid construction, so i'm off surfing... make me relax and not be so pissed off at people who won't let you change lanes...

yeah

so it finally posted. i don't know what's going on with me and people lately but i have the vague feeling that i'm pissing a lot of people off. and i'm not even trying to. bah life. bah people. can't live with 'em. can't live without 'em.

why aren't you posting???

blogger is being stupid. won't post my last post. damn you blogger!!!!

damn

have you ever read something written by a complete stranger that just totally captures you? i mean, you read it, and then say, out loud, "damn". well, i just did. totally one of my new blogs to read often.

that said, i have nothing else to say, except that my mouth hurts.

OH YEAH flickerstick's original cd, the one they released with 226 records, is on sale online!!! the second my dad walks in, i'm going to ask him if i can use his check card...

as the days pass by, i subconsciously become more and more excited

those people amaze me

so i had another hour long ortho. appt. today. fun. i almost fell asleep, and i would have had it not been for that lady sticking the top wire in my mouth and taking it out and fixing it and putting it back in and taking it back out over and over and over for damn near 45 minutes. after that she had dr. hernandez come over and see what the hell she was doing wrong... nothing, except that they should take off 2 of the brackets on the top so they could fit the wire in. them pulling those brackets off was a lot nicer than when they took my expander off. i felt like my teeth were going to rip out of my mouth then. definitely not fun. but then again i didn't have to deal with an expander anymore, which is really really nice, so...

so now i have to wear a rubber band on the right side of my mouth. they practically threatened me that i always have to wear them. i was calculating on my way back home, and that would be close to 220 bands from now til dec. 3, my next appt. well, actually 221, counting today. that's crazy. just crazy. but they tell me to do something, and i do it to the bitter end. i mean my god, i'm actually flossing every day. now you tell me that you floss every day regiously. chances are real high that you don't. now that's crazy.

so tomorrow i'm gonna be in a lot of pain, which sucks. hmm, maybe my mom will let me take a mental health day... bah i doubt it.

i've given up on downloading that song from mp3.com. it's just toooooooo slow. and every time i've tried to dowload it, it cuts me off. so yeah. i just realized today that it's about 2 weeks til my birthday. i would say that that's crazy, but i think i've overused that phrase enough in this post. maybe later.

so now i have to go do homework...

life's my bitch

i just had a revelation. that was it.

so for the past couple of days i've been trying to download flickerstick's song "believe" off of mp3.com. word of advice: if you can get a song anywhere other than mp3.com, do it. first off it takes too damn long, and then like halfway through downloading the song, it says "connection lost" and so there's no more downloading. and i'm left with half a flickerstick song. slightly pissed me off but i think it might be a good thing, keeps me anticipating their live cd...

and on that point:

so from all the talk and re-talk and takebacks and misquotes and official press releases, i've concluded this: yes, the cd is to be released for retail in november. november 26, to be exact. at that time, it will also be available on the net. they were going to have the cd on sale at their shows as of november 1st, but now that's in question. my thought is that they'll have it at the shows. they'll have to. they know how many people are pissed that they won't get the cd till like january or february, so they'll have to have it available.

so: i must stop procrastinating and email my cousin in LA and ask him to please go to their show at the roxy on nov. 7. but i'll do that later...

woah, i just remembered, tatu's cd is out tomorrow. mmm, but i've gotten used to the russian. oh well.

so yeah i didn't go to homecoming. obviously. and again i am glad i didn't go. i could go into detail, but the truth is i don't really know the details, just a foggy outline of what happened. that and i have a really bad memory, so the vague info i'd give would be wrong anyway.

apparently i look good in glasses. well, at least in these glasses. i guess people forgot that i wore glasses for all of eighth grade before i got contacts. but i really like these glasses. my eyes aren't all messed up like they were with my contacts. ah glasses.

what to say, what to say. oh yeah i want to go see the ring on saturday or sunday. heard that it's great. um, what else, what else...

bah i don't know i have nothing else to say.

cleavage

no, not that cleavage.

this cleavage.

i found their song "trust me" by pure accident, and i love it. now i'm downloading some of their other stuff. and guess what...

they're canadian!

canadia. always a plus.

at least i'm older than daivd

happy birthday to you

happy birthday to you

happy birthday dear kyle

happy birthday to you!!!!

here's to another year of life. hope that (despite certain things and *cough* people) you have a great day.

oh yeah and yesterday was bryan's birthday. so happy birthday bryan!

i'm off to somewhere now, although i don't know where that is...

they read my mind!

Black Panne Lace Up Top

i saw this at hot topic today. fell in love with it instantly. the catch: it's $52. that is the second/third thing i'm buying when i get some money.

yay.

woah i'm dizzy

i forgot how weird it was wearing glasses. my eyes were going all crazy, trying to adjust with them on. it's weird, whenever i move sorta quick my eyes go out of focus a little and i get a little... not dizzy but like just my eyes are dizzy. i don't know it's weird. but nice because my eyes don't dry out like they did and i can actually rub them and taking off glasses is a lot easier than taking out contacts.

ah glasses.

this whole week was... weird. i don't know if it was just 'cause it was weird with homecoming or something different... or maybe it's just me. which could be totally possible.

that is a phrase that i use much too much... i don't know. but it's true.

i don't know

my head is confusing me

so to live in the past is to have regrets. as long as you live in the past, you can't live in the present. you can never be content or happy if your mind and emotions are linked to an episode in the past. good or bad, it doesn't matter. so as long as i think of what has happened, how miserable i was or how happy i was, i will never be able to feel connected to my life right now.

on the other hand, if i try and think about the future, i'll be even more stressed and unhappy. the future sucks. it doesn't even exist. it will never exist, so why think on it. why even bother with the future. life is crazy, so anything can happen. anything. you could die next week. you could become a famous movie star. you could be a homeless person or the richest person in the world. you could be anything. the thing is that you have no idea what's gonna happen to you. there's no sure way of knowing. you can't even really plan for life.

so why bother. why not just live in the moment and do whatever makes you feel happy, regardless of rules and adults and all the stupid stuff people throw on you every day. screw them. it's not their life. they have no claim on you.

how much easier would life be if everyone just got off your back and left you alone? how much better would you feel if you could just get out of an unhealthy relationship with someone without worrying if all your friends would leave you? how would your interactions with everyone around you be if you could just leave behind whatever happened in your past?

how much easier would it be if you could love someone without worrying about getting hurt?

someone's a year older...

happy birthday to you

happy birthday to you

happy birthday dear person-whose-name-i'm-not-gonna-put-here-due-to-privacy-issues

happy birthday to you!!!!

you know who you are... have a wonderful day (or what's left of it)!

oh yeah and thanks again for the dress! i love it!

ah weekends

i can't believe i'm downloading a tommy lee song. but it's a nice song. and it's blue. blue is always a plus.

have i told everyone that if you're getting a blog, just email me or IM me and i'll help you with everything? i haven't? well, now i have. really it took me close to, what, 4 months to figure it out... and i still have problems with the html. that and teaching is fun. especially when you can see that they learned by looking at their blog (enter link to alex's blog). makes me happy : )

so i'm feeling much better than i did yesterday. no more headache. no more nausia. no more wanting to burn things. well, i don't know about that last part. i was just thinking that it would be really cool if flickerstick had lighters for merch. i'd buy 20.

wow, i just got up and i'm already talking like an idiot.

oh yeah, announcement: i'm thinking of changing the address to this blog... it seems to me that i didn't want it very publicized, and now it is. but don't fret, i'm just thinking about it. which means i'm probably too lazy to do it and then go into alex's blog and change the code.

it's 11am, and i'm feeling fine.

well my day's been just fucking dandy

if they freakin move the release date back even more i'm gonna kill them. i mean i love you guys, i do, but THIS IS DRIVING ME UP THE WALL!!!!!!! bah ok so i do have to call my cousin and get him to go so he can get the new cd for me.

< hypochondria alert >
my head hurts. it's been hurting since yesterday. i think i'm sick. no, really, i do. i felt really bad this morning and i couldn't focus when i was driving... which doesn't help when i'm driving in rush hour traffic. and then i take deep breaths and it helps a little. at least i don't feel nausious like before.
< /alert >

and then exams. killer. exams. killer. well i have to face the inevitable: i will be getting something under a 4.0 this quarter. and for all those who just said "oh, poor thing"... fuck off. you have no idea. so just fuck off.

aaaaaahhhhhh. why can't i BURN SOMETHING right now. it would make me feel a lot better.

fuck it nevermind i'm gonna go sleep.

DAMNIT!!!!!

from the street team leaders:

"Looks like retail distribution on the CD will be pushed to December or January. Our CD will be available at shows starting Nov 1."

FUCK!!!!

sorry, just had to do that. damnit now someone really has to go to the show and get me the cd. i shall call my cousin and ask him for a favor.

oh yeah, and school sucks.

word.

staring at the sun

"now you're handing me harsh reality, i'm standing still -- you're flying away from me"

i've had that in my head for days now, and i can't get it out. and i don't even LIKE soulcracker. soulcracker: flickerstick's arch enemy. but no really i like the guys (or 3 of them) and a few of their songs, but i think they threw out beastie and that pisses me off. yeah.

so anyway...

exams start tomorrow. i'm not studying today because i have trig and guitar tomorrow. ah i love a nice schedule. that and a 100% average in class. that can never hurt.

i would've posted yesterday except i felt really bad and tired. i'm surprised i didn't pass out driving home from school. it wasn't fun at all.

so my weekend is a question right now... on friday our guitar sub is playing at ore house, and katie and kyle are going to see him, and i should come too. well yeah, that would be nice... but i don't know if it's gonna happen. and then bryan's party is on saturday. and i haven't seen bryan in a while (since state fair) and i won't see him for a while after that, so i should go but i don't know... i don't really feel like driving home at midnight... ah choices choices. damnit alex where are you when i need you?!

people are right, this blog is crap.

:-)

Flickerstick
Causing a Catastrophe - Live in Deep Ellum
226 Records
Release Date: November 5 2002

i've never considered myself an athiest before...

why do i feel bad/weird by thinking that there is no god? it's really pissing me off. ever since doyle had us write that stupid who is god paper i've been feeling that there is no god. every time i think about it i come to the conclusion that there is no god. WHY WHY WHY CAN'T I THINK GOD EXISTS??!! damnit this is really getting to me. and going to church doesn't really help either.

will someone please talk to me about this so i won't go insane? i mean really, athiest or not, i have to believe that i'm not doing something totally wrong by thinking god can't exist.

or show me how god does exist. i don't know... DAMNIT!

enchanting devil

read the one by brooke jacobs

dude, where's my car?!

ok, brief rundown of today:

got up at 6:30. drove 80 all the way there. almost hit this guy's dog. well not really i saw them in the middle of the road and i'm like "that dog is sooo gonna run in front of my car" so i slowed down. good thing 'cause he did run right in front of my car. the guy didn't even thank me for not hitting the dog! so much for being greatful...

still got to the plaza late, which actually turned out to be really early

walked a short distance with kyle and david before they decided to jog... i couldn't handle that, walked the rest of the way, felt good about it

bumped into fel and laura at the end of the walk, turned out they needed a ride sooo...

went to get david's car & drive them to laura's, but wait... "um, dude, where's my car?" yep, david lost his car...

so i drove laura, fel, david, and kyle to laura's car, then proceeded to laura's house. after a time we went back to the plaza to find david's car...

found it a block from where we were looking the first time. went to david's...

watched "run lola run". priceless. definitely priceless. DEFINITELY.

left to get some stuff for my water bed... went to subway 'cause i was starving, went home.

got home, saw they moved my waterbed a full 90º. pretty cool.

went to eat at roadrunner.

came home, got on the net.

posted on blog.

oh. my. GOD!

so here's the deal...

i've known that flickerstick was going to put out a live cd for about 2 months now. but the thing is that no one on the street team knew when exactly that was going to be. now we know...

so their live cd, "causing a catastrophe - live in deep ellum" is coming out now in november. it has all the songs from WHTA on it except "you're so hollywood" and "talk show host", and it has 2 new songs, "believe" and "telling all the world". thankfully they put direct line and execution on it.

the GREAT thing is that it's live... and i have to say that when you see them live, well it's an experience that you'll never forget. their live shows are killer rock, absolutely mind blowing, and completely amazing. so to have a cd of it, well, let's just say i'd pay good money for that cd.

but then again i'd pay good money for anything flickerstick.

i think everyone knows that i love flickerstick. and if you don't, well then you do now. i would try to express to you why flickerstick is so amazing, but (to break the english rule and use clichés) words can't explain what i feel. honestly. i've tried, and i just end up stuttering. last year, their cd welcoming home the astronauts (WHTA) was released on my birthday. MY BIRTHDAY! that's not the cool part. the cool part is that MY MOM GOT ME THE CD! ON MY BIRTHDAY! THE DAY IT WAS RELEASED! you have no idea how great this was for me. especially since my birthday really sucked last year. until i got the cd, that is...

so for this live cd they're going back on tour. so far they've skipped new mexico, went from dallas straight to cali. the thing: ok so on nov. 7, the day after my birthday, they're playing at the roxy in LA. i'm going to try and plead and beg my brother to go to the show and buy every piece of merch they have (except for the thongs... that's just weird) and bring them to me at thanksgiving. i'd pay for the ticket AND all the merch he bought, but the thing is that he HATES flickerstick. and we're not on the best of terms either. or maybe it's just that i hate him. hmmm...

so that is my goal: get him to go to the show and buy me stuff, and find out THE EXACT DAY the live cd is out so i can buy it on that day. i would pre-order over the net, but my parents don't like to use the credit card and i don't have a bank account to use a check card for. mmm... i should get one...

ok i've been on for a long while. i should get off now.

i'm so happy :-)

what the??

what the hell is up with blogspot?! i can get to the other blog, but i can't get to alex's blog or ben's blog. i haven't tried looking for my other other blog... but i haven't written on it in weeks so i don't think it counts anymore. aaahhh but they usually never have stuff wrong with their servers and stuff, so i guess i should be happy about that.

aahh so on monday i had 'all the things she said' (english) stuck in my head, and today i had the russian version stuck in my head. very amusing because i was mumbling all day, so i couldn't understand a thing people were trying to tell me, and i was totally talking to myself, and i had a russian lesbian pop group's song in my head. in russian.

and to think that was amusing...

he's gone!! it was instantly calmer after he left. i love it. he even left me a little gas in the car. yay. aaahhh but i'm not giving up the car when he's here for christmas. hell no.

anywho... i have to make a collage sometime today... hopefully before 7 so i can eat dinner and watch buffy in peace. i know i know, but don't hate me because i watch buffy. tv is amusing to me. especially when it has hot vampires on it. mmm hot vampires...

and to think that i vowed not to post for an entire month...