station

so my compsci site is just about done. all i need to do is upload a picture from salazar, finish the links, and un-clutter some paragraphs and some of the notes. oh the things that i could talk about today. he's making us take the compsci exam that he's giving the seniors, and the exam's over third and fourth quarter, so who knows how that'll end up. bah.

so turns out pojoaque is having their prom saturday too. which means i have to deal with pojoaque girls when i go in to get my hair done saturday afternoon. yes, i'm having someone professional deal with my hair, because i can't do crap with it, and i certainly can't just leave it the way it is, since it's the straightest, thinnest crappy hair ever that'll probably just cling to my head, with my luck and all. so i'm gonna try and have them curl it so it's in waves (like i wanted to do that soft-wave perm thing, but since i hate stripping my hair i won't get it permed). hope it works.

bah. this is too much crap that i have to deal with. first and last time that i ever do this.

i've been tapping for the past few days. it might be a sign...

now that i'm done with the compsci site, i'll be able to start that tatu skin for kyle's blog. hoping to get that done before we go to cruces.

alex get on the net so i can try to cheer you up

does it look like i give a fuck?

bah. you know what i hate? spam. it really really pisses me off when i get spam at my yahoo account. mostly because yahoo has a crap system for blocking emails. regular spammers i can usually just block, but the stupid people who use my address as their sending address, or this one INVALID_ADDRESS@ .SYNTAX-ERROR. that really pisses me off. and i can't block that last one, 'cause it's not a real address. DAMN YOU SPAMMERS!

i keep getting this spam - mail order russian brides. i was tempted to forward it to daivd...

we had our assembly performance in guitar today. i don't know how it turned out, if they could hear us. as it is i could only hear myself, jess, and dorothy when we were all playing together. bah. oh well last time i'll ever have to do that.

got my prom ticket/invitation today. or rather my mom did. i was gonna wait till thursday that way i could still have an out, but this way i can't not go. which brings up a whole nother argument between kyle and alex: who am i going to dinner with. i'm thinking of staying completely clear of this one, and let them fight it out. i don't think i can handle someone making me cry again...

oh! (wow i just realized i never use exclamation points... it doesn't seem like me...) crazy pregnant lady isn't pregnant anymore. had her little girl this morning. which means we won't have to deal with her anymore, makes my life easier, and it means that my mom is subbing for us now til the end of school. rock on.

speaking of spam, if you ever email me from reading this blog, could you please put the subject as something like "hey kristin" or something, 'cause if i don't recognize your email, i block it. i don't even bother opening the email anymore. if any of my friends are emailing me, use my yahoo account. thanks.

oh so much drama going on with prom.

i've been spending a lot of time the past couple of days uploading/typing up all the stuff we did in compsci this year to my site. it really rocks for the kids who're in compsci next year, 'cause i'm putting all the notes, papers, and homework that he made us do up on the site. and i don't think he cares about them using it.

tired tired tired of school. today was seniors' last day. tomorrow they start their exams and then they're done. lucky bastards. now there'll only be four people in my guitar class and seven in my compsci class. next week juniors get to start off-campus lunch. which is apparently a big thing. i probably won't go off campus... it wouldn't be very good if i got back late for sixth period with my mom subbing for us.

there was a big, loud, other post that i was thinking of doing today. but as it is, today was a pretty good day, and i'm not all that pissed off right now, so i'll save it for... tomorrow maybe.

twins!

why is it that i always have a great day until i walk into sixth period? i freaking hate my afternoon classes. mostly because of the teachers, but i do hate english and history, so that adds to it.

so first news of the day: looked at my SAT scores at collegeboard.com, and i got a 1280. spendiferous. it's 50 higher than chris got, and that was pretty much my only goal, so i'm happy. considering i thought i got totally raped by the SATs. i'm hoping ACTs will be a 30. have to beat 28 at least.

second: i've been working on my compsci site since last week. i really like the fact that i know what the hell i'm talking about, and that i can help other people with their sites. still haven't learned tables yet, but i'll get there before school ends hopefully.

thirdly: they always screw our class. always. so next year they changed the schedule so that seniors don't get out early like they do now. no, we have to go to school right up until graduation pretty much. bastards. and that's not it. they're getting rid of homeroom. so what they can add two more minutes to each class? double bastards. i'm so fucking glad i'll be out next year. my parents would've taken me out like last year if it wasn't my sophomore year. well that and there are no decent schools around, and prep doesn't count 'cause we certainly can't afford $9000 tuition per year.

bastards!

i could go on ranting about how much i hate school, the teachers, the classes, etc... but then i'd be on the net for two hours. and i actually have some homework tonight.

oh who am i kidding when do i ever do homework at home.

my new project is making a tatu skin for kyle's blog. i'm pretty sure i can figure it out, i just need time to do it. time which i certainly don't have now that i'm practically being forced to go to prom.

everyone and their brother is getting a blog. i feel gypped. slightly. but it's ok. at least i don't have to explain "blogs" to people anymore. oh wait, i do.

now i'm getting pissed off and increasingly pessimistic. which is a cue for me to stop writing before i piss someone off that i don't mean to.

i hate enetation

i've spent the past hour looking for a decent commenting system for kyle. alas, all the good ones (yaccs, haloscan) aren't accepting new users, and all the other systems suck... so i had to sign him up for enetation.

i felt like crap the whole day. i managed to write a really terrible english paper in an hour. and now i'm tired.

bah i can't post now. my head feels like sleeping.

blue moon

so today was a good day. why? i'll tell you why:

one: i didn't feel like crap for most of the day. only for the past hour or so have i been out of it, but that's only because of low blood sugar. but we're gonna eat soon so it's ok.

two: went into santa looking for navy blue pants so i can have something else to wear to school, drop off my dress at the dry cleaners, and get fabric for a shawl sorta thing that i can wear with the dress. so we walk around the mall, looking for pants. we go into mervyns, fail to find pants, but find this blue fire belt instead. in the little boys section. question: why do guys always get the cool clothes? so anyway we buy the belt and a little something for jansen's baby.

walk down the mall some more. go into american outfitters, because i've never been in there, and they might have navy blue pants. but no, i get something better: "hey, flickerstick!" (whenever i go out anywhere anymore i wear my flickerstick shirt. ask people. if they've ever seen me outside of school uniform, 9 out of 10 times i'm wearing that shirt. go ahead, ask.) i turn around and there's this guy working there, who actually knows about flickerstick. not only does he know about them, but he saw them play in ohio. and he likes them. it was the most amazing thing that's happened to me in a while. and it doesn't hurt that the guy was hot.

walk down the mall some more, go into dillards, and see all these girls getting those free makeovers. smart girls: they get their makeup for prom done for free. walk out of dillards, run into katie, irena, and rebecca. go into fye, buy alex another keychain since she lost hers (alex i have a keychain for you... and if you already got another one that's ok i can keep this one). walk out of fye, and my ma says "well we could always check out jc penny's." yeah, we could do that, even though we usually never find anything in there. but i say sure, ok. we walk in and look at the prom dresses (looking for a throw/shawl that might go with my dress), and i find this one. this blue, size 12, skirt and top prom dress. for $30. holy. fuck. batman. i try it on. it fits. but look, there's a tear in it. no wonder it was on sale. i told you that you couldn't find a decent dress in size 12. but look, there's another one, and it's size 8, and why don't you just try it on? ok. i try it on. holy. fuck. batman. it fits. it's $40, but we take it anyway. get to the register. oh look, penny's has a saturday one day only sale. make that $30. it's like when i got my guitar for $75. amazing.

so, i have a prom dress that my mother bought me. which means, yes, i am going to prom.

didn't see that one coming, did you?

"bitch-slap him!"

now that it's not late night i'm a little more awake and able to put full sentences together.

overview

this week half-sucked, and was halfway good. finally starting html in compsci: good. finding out that we lucked out and she didn't check to see if we had done the ap essays (one we were supposed to do last week): good. beating the computer again: good.

feeling like emotional crap: bad. getting shit from my parents on applications, and me being a pessimist: bad. there was something else bad having to do with that, but i blocked it out of my mind i guess.

talking about prom with kyle: good. me feeling like shit afterward: bad.

so i guess it all evens out.

last night was fun. being able to spend time with my friends outside of school is always fun. so that's another plus.

ok, and now i'm gonna try something, having to do with blogshares. see, it's not picking up that i have a link to gut rumbles, or wwdn, or blogchalking. funny, they picked up some of my others that i have on my blogroll...

i think i'm going to santa today with my ma. looking for pants for school. and... getting my dress dry cleaned. just in case. i still think that me going to prom is a bad idea, but if my friends are so adamant about it, i guess i really have to consider it.

i have an english paper to write this weekend, and i don't have the story that i have to write it about. fun.

ok my ma is throwing me off now. gotta go get ready to go to santa.

late night

i'm tired. sleepy. and surrounded by teenagers. oh joy.

you know what else is nice? posting late at night. from someone else's house.

watched swing kids. and dogma.

good day. i beat the computer again. good day.

can you tell i'm tired...

ok i really have to go now or i'll fall asleep.

oh, and i'm a freak

so i finally broke and got a blogchalk. see, it's that thing over on the bottom left sidebar. right after the blogshares button.

i'm thinkin hey, now the value for my outgoing links will go up at blogshares. sweet. not that it'll help me any...

"she says i'm lazy"

so i just got my results from by bloodwork back. seems i just have "spring fever". funny, guess i've had spring fever constantly for the past 5 years.

i distrust primary physician doctors now. never will i go back. she's a snippy little one too. you know i'll probably die sometime of cancer or some really horrible disease and they'll just say "we just thought she had spring fever..."

bastards.

so i find out today that we're fucked. the internship thing is only open to seniors. would've been nice of him to tell us that before. so the only way we'll get in is if he doesn't fill all his senior spots (like that'll happen). so we got an application for the lab, that should've been turned in months ago, instead of the day of the deadline. ah, another reason why i dislike st. mike's so much.

let's see, what else...

oh yeah. crazy pregnant lady made us swing dance in class. in a history class. dancing always adds to the fun of my life at school.

whatever happened to that idea about a sarcastic font?

i never realized how much of a pessimist i am. this whole prom thing just brought it right up. well that and school crap in general. well, and life in general. but lots of people are bitching about prom. ok poll: how much money do you say on average someone would spend on prom (for guys the whole thing, girls just a dress). i say it's average for you to spend $150+ on prom. actually i'd say more, considering people usually go all out for prom.

i'm really tired. i want to sleep all this weekend. no stupid english paper, no homework, no worries. just sleep. well, and the net.

no worries

i should really do that whole write quotes on my wall thing. i mean, my parents are gonna cover it up anyway as soon as my dad gets the money and time to finish drywalling.

i sold all 1000 of my shares in my blog stock yesterday. turned a nice profit, especially since they were given to me when people could buy my blog. shares get wiped out may first, and you only get to keep your balance, so i figure i'll buy up a bunch of little stocks, wait until they go up a cent or two, and then sell them all. that way, i could get a nice little profit, or get royally screwed.

why am i being so random today? i usually always have a thought about what i want to blog about when i sit down here, but after surfing other blogs i just get totally offtrack and end up talking about randomness.

psychosomatic addict insane

so after all that time i spent yesterday messing with my compsci site's html, i end up changing it all today in class. figures. it really looks like crap. really, i have no idea what to do with it, since i don't have a digital camera and the template kinda sucks ass. but at least it gives me something to do.

people at school are sick. makes me think that i'm sick. well, i do think that i'm sick, but i always think that i'm sick so that's nothing new there.

we had our last drama meeting today... the meeting that everyone usually waits for. jess got pictures of people with their crazy makeup on, so maybe she'll post them and i can snag them from her. post it in the thespian section of my old geocities site.

thankfully, skeeter (the person formerly known as scar and peter) was asked to prom. and it wasn't me. so now that's one less thing that alex can harass me about.

i shouldn't post when i'm in a crappy mood. and cold.

html

we finally started on html in compsci. i was antsy all class. he says put text, i put link on text. he says put picture, i put comment on picture. ah i love this year of html experience. a whole year, and he's gonna teach them all in a week. ah.

i checked out scaryduck yesterday. found an awesome reference to weebl and bob. i would post the picture in here, but i don't post pictures on this blog. i did so once, and only once, and i still regret it. this blog is for content. CONTENT.

aw who am i kidding.

now i'm off to build my website.

gratuitous linkage

last day of break. can't say as i'm terribly sad. i woke up at 11:15am today and found out that my mom got the oil in my car changed. nice surprise. so now i won't have to worry about it dying.

i've been doing a lot of nothing today. spent the last little while helping katie put comments on her blog. i don't know what the heck this new everyone blogging thing is, but it slightly scares me.

if you want me to link to your blog, you have to tell me. like leave me a comment or something. i don't post links of friends' blogs without asking, 'cause they might not want anyone to know about it. so yeah tell me if you want linked.

and by the way, i always want linked. although i'm not officially a link whore, i could be.

bah. off to re-tune my guitar and listen to ben folds.

cougars transvestites and hit men, oh my!

i miss human contact.

speaking of contacts, did my perscription change majorly. my eyes get worse every time i go back there. but the good thing is that now i have contacts that i can actually see out of, and my glasses are still good. maybe it's because i spend so much damn time on the computer. or maybe i'm just going blind. very slowly. oh well.

i ended up spending the night at alex's last night. apparently i was supposed to anyway, but i just get so damn confused unless you tell me specifically what the hell you want me to do. but it's ok it was better that i stayed. one: broke and got the ben folds live cd, which i've wanted since kyle made me listen to it. i see a trend: listen to one of kyle's cds, and buy it shortly after that. i have $12 to my name. it's ok ben folds live was well worth it.

we watched the birdcage (it was on tv), then road to perdition (after which i decided that i should write a book on movie symbolism. eg: never paint a whole room in your house white), then the dangerous lives of alter boys. that one started out all cute, but turned twisted about half an hour into it. all and all the twisted-ness was pretty good, except for that twisted slut. that was not cool.

i woke up this morning like at 9:30 and played with milo for about 45 minutes before getting ready to go home. i didn't end up leaving until 11, but it was fun.

got back from lunch at my gram's a while ago. and so here i am now, with nothing to do again.

reasons for me not to go to prom:
dancing.
formalwear.
teenagers. a lot of them.
bad music.
overlypriced prom tickets (or invitations or whatever the hell you call them).
couples.
and last but certainly not least, my brother. is going to prom.

so this is what people have to overcome if they want to see me at prom. there. i set the challenge out for you.

i feel like falling asleep again. symptoms of the week: i can't eat. again. like the whole november/december thing. shit it is coming back again. damn me. i think i blanked out again when i was driving home this morning. it was damn weird.

i feel like getting away, but not actually going anywhere. it's just whatever's going on in my head. it's always whatever's going on in my head. that's ok, at least if it would let me get to sleep more than one day a week. maybe i can get some sleeping pills. or just whatever allergy crap that knocks me out. mmm that stuff is nice.

movie moral #1: don't kill people.

movie moral #2: don't fuck around with cougars. even if you do have angeldust.

ah drugs. they should just legalize them already.

ok randomness #52: when the hell did people catch onto blogs? or a better question would be, why the hell now? i mean yeah, blogs are more publicized now, but i seem to remember the whole "blogs are stupid" mantra going around with conviction. shit people looked at me like i was even more of a freak when i got my first one february 2002. and even then i'd been out of the loop for 2 years or so. whatever.

i hate the stereotype of me. i saw it again last week with butler. adults should just leave me alone to be me. same with everyone.

i really have to stop now. i'm trying not to cuss as much as i usually do, and it's not working very well.

is it just me, or did reality just throw me out last week...

seraphine

i had another dream last night of me being a vampire. i really enjoyed it. and i was wearing red. that's something you won't see often.

so i lost my password for a game i play... so i had to sign up again as Seraphina. go ahead check the game out if you haven't already.

i have an eye appt. today at 1:30, so my contacts will be the right perscription. maybe now i'll actually be able to see better with them than my glasses.

going over to alex's at 5 or so. note to alex: the only movie i know that i wanted to see was "the core", so anything you want to see is fine... i don't know what's on i haven't checked the moviephone link from the santa fe new mexican link i have over there. i really need to fix that.

i really need to fix a lot of stuff with my links, but right now i have to get off.

everybody dies alone

i couldn't help it.

donniedarko.com

drop d

so yesterday after writing a horrid post i went and got about 10 songs in tab. i learned how to play bodies. i'm really happy with that. except that now my fingers hurt due to all of the barring and sliding and such.

i have nothing to do! i should clean my room today, because it really needs it. oh what to do what to do what to do. on that note: what the hell do i do with this prom thing? beginning of the school year i really wanted to go, but then something happened (that i don't remember... typical) and i decided that i wouldn't go. not even next year. now i'm in between wanting to go and be with my friends, and wanting to keep my money and save myself from the horrid experience of going.

i went over to collegeboard.com 'cause kyle said SAT scores would be available today. and they are. if you want to spend $13 to see them. you can see them for free after the 28th, because that's when they're being mailed out. so i have to wait another 10 days to find out what i got. please just let it be above a 1200. ACTs i don't have to worry about. all i have to get is something like a 20 or 25.

hey people i'm free tomorrow, if you guys want to hang out or something. or maybe i could just crash at alex's and admire her periwinkle blue room.

let it snow

wow talk about bad posts. i'm on a roll.

why is it that hbo has some really good movies that i've never heard of? every time i'm about to do something, i turn to hbo and get hooked on some movie that i didn't know existed. it's crazy. especially 'cause they're awesome.

i don't know what the hell i'm doing today. or any day for that matter. i have no idea what i'm doing with my life. sometimes i have a glimmer of a hope that i actually am going on some sort of plan for the future, but i always end up fucking that up two minutes after i think of it.

the net is being stupid today. or maybe it's just my connection. or maybe it's me.

i'm off to do nothing with my life.

wha? huh?

so for one: they changed blogshares so that you didn't have to be insanely popular for your blog to be able to be traded. which means that anyone can now buy stock in pyromania. right now for the low low price of $.20, you can be the proud owner of stock in my blog. go for it. of course you have to be signed up first, but that's nothing. if i counted all the stuff i'm signed up for on the net... well that's a lot of stuff. the thing that was surprising to me is that my outgoing links are valued at $137.50. don't know where that came from, but it's fine with me.

for two: my dad i think is finally going to buy a digital camera. it's a nikon, valued at $1,500. it was top in the consumer reports magazine. i asked "isn't that a bit much to pay for a digital camera?" and then he told me that he's invested $3000 in his camera that he has now. and it's really a spendiferous camera. but if he does buy the digital, he'll sell the regular film one. he'll keep the flash though, so he can use it with the digital.

for three: i should be doing something with alex today, and was waiting for her to get on AIM so i could talk to her, but since she's not on, i'm getting off. alex if you read this call me. or i'll call you at 12:30. or something. yeah.

TROGDOR!

so today was pretty good, after i left school that is. i walked into first period this morning and was told that we had a test, that i didn't study for, and i had no idea what we were studying this week, so needless to say i think i got 5 out of 15 questions right. go on retreat for a day, get screwed in trig. oh well. the rest of the day was pretty decent-ish, what with stations and shortened classes.

then after school i went to alex's. we surfed our blogs and i showed her trogdor. then i went out to eat with her, her ma, and sister, and grandparents at luby's. i think if i hadn't gone with her, she would've gone insane. i have to remember to give you back your t-shirt.

ok rant for today: so i live in a double wide trailer. i refer to it as a double wide mansion, because we've added onto it. so we have a gas stove, and whenever the propane tank gets to a certain level, it smells really bad so you know that you need to get more propane. well i walk in the house and smell this and my fist thought, "holy shit did you guys LEAVE THE GAS ON??!" second thought "holy shit you guys really need to get more propane. i can't breathe in here!". so yeah. i think i've gotten used to it by now, but it still is making me feel kinda sick.

easter break! yay for catholic private schools who give 5 day weekends for easter break! people aren't leaving either, so i'll have friends to hang with.

i've been really insanely tired since last week. i hope i'll sleep good tonight.

since this post is apparently all about random thoughts, i'll keep going.

ms. sunseri came into fourth today and called me out. i guess getting a 90 on my psat's and being hispanic is super good, 'cause i got whatever national hispanic scholarship thing (i want to say national hispanic merit scholarship finalist, but i wasn't listening to a damn thing she was saying. certain adults start talking and i just blank out). all she needed to know was am i at least a quarter hispanic. yes, yes i am. three quarters actually. would be full except for my german grandma. i love being a quarter german, except for the fact that i'm built like a german, and look german, and don't look all that hispanic at all unless i'm with my dad, and then it's just hispanic by association. but hey you know the way i see it is i know that i'm a quarter german, but the 3/4 hispanic thing could be a lot of stuff mixed together. i like to claim it's spanish blood, 'cause that's what my elder people (grandparents) say, but you know there's gotta be some native american and mexican and all that other good stuff mixed in there too. but yeah. you'd never know i was hispanic, except for my last name, and since i lost my accent within a year of when i came to st. mike's, and you only hear me speaking spanish (more spanglish) when i'm with family, you really wouldn't tell. at least i don't think you could.

so yeah, that's interesting...

other thing: the guy emailed me and joe back, saying that he put our names on the list all we need to do is fill out an application. the only expense will be transportation, and you know money that we can spend while we're over there. which rocks. now all i need to do is get off my mooching ass and learn how to do my own laundry. hmm... i could always mooch off my family in cruces... hmm...

weirdness. things are looking up.

ok i'm starting to fall asleep, so i think i'll get off now.

contrary to popular belief,
hell is quite chilly

so. yeah. junior retreat. so cold. so many things i could say.

i first got the hint that it wasn't going to be all that great when i heard the nazi death camp reference. so that got me a little on edge. and then we get up today and it looks like it's gonna pour down on us, what with big black rainclouds. we get up there, and it's pretty cold. and then it starts raining. more cold. and then it starts hailing, and then snowing. and we had our shoes off in a building without heat. i was freezing my ass off.

we didn't get to do the ropes course, due to weather. that in itself would've saved the day. so i get put in the rat's group, which includes carver. all the little scenario things she gave us to do, we solved them in a flash. which she got mildly annoyed at. when we kept doing them fast, she got really pissed. oh well, that's the rat for ya. and then we did the trust fall... and dropped carver. funniest damn thing ever. i mean, we didn't mean to drop him, but you try to have 5 people catch a over 6 foot football player.

the topic for this retreat: teamwork. they had this whole idealized "be a community, work together" thing going on. totally didn't work. at least i don't think it did. a lot of people really liked the retreat, saying that it's been the best one we've had. and i'd have to agree, but marginally. heck, everything's better than the sex retreat we had last year.

all in all, the cold wasn't nice, and i didn't really like the tone the day took.

other thing of the day: The Letter. yes, i did it. and my mother doesn't seem that pissed about it, but who knows how my dad will react. i don't care though, today's been so crappy.

and i did send my name to do that cruces thing. don't know if i'll get in, but hey at least i followed through.

i should get off the net, but i really don't want to. bah.

i need someone to talk to

why are people never on AIM when i need to talk to them?

i'm so uncertain. about everything. about the whole internship at state thing. and i have to email salazar about it today, 'cause if i don't, the place will be filled and there's no way i could get in. FUCK! i was so sure about it at school. so sure about it when i was talking to joe about it. so sure. then i tell my mom about it and get shot down. like i always do. every time i mention something that i really want to do i get the "well... " answer and know that it's never gonna happen. once that word comes out of their mouth i know i'm fucked. and it's not like this time it's any business of theirs, except that i'm still a minor. i mean, listen to this:

Santa Fe Community College and New Mexico State University Pre-Engineering Bridge Program
This program will give you:
Summer internships with civil engineering industries
3-week paid Summer Technology Bridge Program
Industry-sponsored tuition and book scholarships
Comprehensive advising
Real and relevant technology work experience and training that will make your resume "stand out"
Preparation to begin work with first-hand experience in new civil engineering areas such as information and telecommunications technology, construction metrology, and "green" technologies

i mean, holy fuck batman. three week internship/class thing at state. getting paid $400 per week. getting 3 hours of college credit. and they're gonna teach us the stuff, it's not like we have to know it going in. and i need to get a job this summer. perfect.

except, not. just thinking about this is getting me pissed off. which makes me even more determined to write The Letter, except now it's gonna take on a tone of revenge. but bah, i don't care right now.

oh yeah, recent newsflash again: my mother is apparently making me go to prom. i say apparently because i learned this from alex. my mom told them that she was gonna make me go to prom. which pisses the hell out of me. i mean, there's a reason i do not want to go to prom. actually there are a handful of reasons, all of which i've told her before when she said i should go to prom. but no, i have to be completely miserable at some stupid dance because she thinks it's a "life experience" that i need to have. fuck that. just because she ditched her prom doesn't mean that i have to pay for it. now things i have to consider: one, getting out of the fucking house that week so she can't find me to make me go. which could happen after The Letter. two, actually planning to go, and having to find a dress (and finding a dress in size 12 is like trying to find a no u-turn sign in española. you won't, and if you do it's got bullet holes in it). not to mention the all too essential "prom date". fucking fuck. three, not being the fucking downer of the night because i'm so miserable about it all. but you know what, i'm not gonna have to worry about that, because it's not going to happen.

just like many things aren't going to happen.

i don't care anymore. i just don't care. so they get pissed off. tough shit. they've never let me be who i am, and chris did the whole "when i'm 18 you can't fucking touch me" thing, so why the fuck can't i?

i need someone to talk to, but you're never there.

yearly revelations

the one good thing about being sleep deprived: when i do lay down, i fall asleep within minutes. which is something that i haven't been able to do in months. but then again there's always that late night revelation thing.

so last night i finally confronted in my head what i've been saying for months. it was between the time that the drill girls got there and later when i was talking to bryan that i realized that they wouldn't notice if i just up and left. i mean, i've felt that way before, it's just that before i was so terrified of being without them that i would just brush it off. but in light of recent revelations, i can't just brush it off anymore.

this is how my friend relationships go: if there's no one else around, kyle pays attention to me. if there's no on else around, daivd pays attention to me. alex always notices me, i do have to say that. you always remember me, but the thought of me gets smaller when steph is around. and i know i bring that on too, but since i'm using these last 40 days to be truthful, i figured i'd just out and say it. the bottom line: for everyone except alex, i'm the safety friend. i'm the one who you know will pay attention to you when all your other friends aren't around. and i get that friends can't devote all their time to one person, i do. i just don't like the feeling that i'm the one you settle for when there isn't anyone more fun around.

i always get this revelation at parties. at school i can ignore it, but whenever i go to parties, i feel like i'm completely invisible. last year at katie's i went and sat in a corner for two hours, and no one noticed i was gone. last night i was sitting in plain view, and the only time people (aside from alex and bryan) noticed that i was still there is when i started talking to them. bah.

i've always been invisible. i was always so quiet, shy. i didn't like interacting with people because people who i didn't know scared me. i didn't see the reason why i had to converse or even be in the presence of someone who i didn't know, and more importantly didn't know or give a shit about me. there's no point to it. i'd rather be all alone in a corner somewhere than be an invisible statue that my parents could show off. or that my friends could ignore, my being the safety friend was all they needed me there for. that's why i'm "antisocial", because if you don't give a fuck about me, why should i care about you? the only person i'm completely comfortable with being around all the time is alex. i never feel the need to get away from her, because i can feel that she cares. i'm never "antisocial" when i'm with alex. it's the same with kyle because i know that he's sincere, but his extreme energy gets to me sometimes, and i just need to have a little break from all that energy. i don't know. i've never really known daivd, and he doesn't really know me. i always want to talk to him, but with him it's always humor, joking, scenarios made up just to get a laugh. i rarely get anything serious from him. and it's not just that that's making that friendship break down, it's the fact that he's a different person with other people. i see it all the time. and the fact that i'm only acquainted with one little personality of him is what's creating the rift. and i'm not even that pissed off about the rift, the eventual break, because how can i get mad at someone that i don't even really know? it's the same thing like how everyone asks me about melissa, do i hate her because of chris? do you like her? are you friends? and my answer is the exact same thing every time... i don't know the girl. i don't know her, so i have no judgement on her. i'm finding that it's the same with him, i don't know him.

and i know this post has slowly turned into a daivd post, but it was on my mind last night when i was at his party, and that's why i post about it now. and really i've been meaning to think this all out for a few months now, i've just been pushing it back, thinking that if i ignore it long enough it'll go away. but that's never the case. and i've figured that out now. i don't know. bryan was the one who really pointed it all out to me last night (although he didn't mean to). it was like last night he was the safety friend too, even though most of the ignoring was because he dumped abby just before that. but we talked a little bit, and now i made my 40 days of truth. one thing talked about: my being an atheist and being afraid to tell my parents. so the second thing done in my 40 days (this post being the first) is The Letter. i figure that i'm never gonna be able to verbally tell them unless i just get majorly pissed, and i know that that's something i'm trying to steer away from. so tomorrow i'm gonna write a letter, and on tuesday (since i'm on retreat that day and she can't find me) i'm gonna give it to my mother. and then run. that's as far as i've planned out, but it's time.

i don't know what's gonna happen in the next week, but i'm glad that i can write it down here, because i know that at least one person understands.

lo.

i'm TIRED again. ACTs were a hell of a lot easier than SATs. even though the time restriction on the math part still screwed me.

now i have to do my history project... shh... secret squirrel. which would be a lot more fun if i didn't have to do it on the weekend. i plan to almost finish it today, and then do my english paper tomorrow, along with study for the history test on monday. fun.

i have exactly 3 hours to do the project, after which i am going over to alex's to watch harry potter 2, and then take her to daivd's party. i don't know how long i'll stay... i'm so tired now already i don't know if i'll be able to drive home at midnight.

bah. i'm off to be a german spy.

un taco

i just spent the last hour going between homestarrunner.com and this game at rubik's online (as in rubik's cube. but alas i'm still to stupid to solve the rubik's cube on my own). now i feel like sleeping, or practicing guitar, or getting some of my homework done. which means i will only play the guitar. mmm how nice it would be to have an electric.

very very tired. i bet that sometime during ACTs tomorrow that stupid circus song will pop into my head. with the bear riding his unicycle. bah i really need to sleep.

pure potentiality

just found an awesome blog. heartfire. i love finding blogs.

i'm sitting here wondering why i'm still wearing my krisna medal. i know why i got it, but that was before. i still have something to believe in, but... it's not the same. it's not a god, it's not krisna. but it's what krisna stands for. divine presence in each of us, in everything. if i could find a medal that had fire on it, i would gladly wear that. if i could find a medal with the heart mantra on it, i would wear that. but as it is, krisna is fire. krisna is just another form of everything i believe in. krisna is only a god as everything is god, everyone is god. god is just another name for energy.

and yet you can't use the name "god". god stands for a one, a one being that is higher than all. nothing is higher than all. and the conflict comes into play again... everyone is their own creator, destroyer, healer, self. everyone is completely different, but everyone has the potential to reach the same place. there isn't a need for anything to be above you, to control you, because you control your reality, your life, your self. the idea of fate would be demeaning to your self. the idea of a higher controller would be demeaning to your self.

everything is in existence. everything that ever was is in existence. everything that ever will be is in existence. at this very moment, and billions of years ago. because they're both the same. you can't see everything that has passed, but if you reached your potential, you could feel everything that has passed. life as you know it could end this second, but you will always be connected with the universe.

gate gate para gate parasam gate bodhi svaha

i think i'm sick... again.

i've been feeling sick the whole day. don't know if it's the fact that they took my blood this morning, or cramps, or psychosomatics, or just me being a hypochondriac. well actually no, i know it's not me being a hypochondriac, i actually did feel like shit for about the whole day. i wish that i could actually take a day off of school without being royally screwed for a whole week after. stupid english.

that said, i didn't do trig homework, and i didn't do english notes. both are probably due tomorrow, but right now i can't seem to care. about an hour ago i got back from the guitar concert. it was actually pretty decent. highlights of the show: robert and kyle. kyle and eztrella. eztrella. eztrella. eztrella. she totally rocked. joe and brian's thing would've kicked major ass, except that joe's guitar wasn't tuned, so it sounded like crap. bah. marcos and peter's thing was hella cool too. and badgers spoons and sandwiches' one minute funk, that really isn't funk, and really isn't a minute long, was... ok. good. as good as a minute long four chord song can be. and quacky was pretty damn good when she played the flute and us playing our guitars.

i love music. if someone had played the cello, i could've died. which reminds me i have to make a list of things i have to do before i die. that and a will-like thing. and my own eulogy. yeah, i'm morbid. whatever. death is a major part of life.

[rant]
it's over. it is totally over. i think when i got up on saturday and didn't think of him, it was over. i hate stupid crushes. and hormones. and i think the whole november/december thing is coming back, except with him, and not with him. except this time it's different. final in a way. and i'm not even that upset about it. shows how good a person i am.

alex, if i ever get another crush, slap me upside the head. honestly.
[/rant]

now i'm tired. oh yeah and i made up a new game... the mono game. ask me about it when i'm not about to pass out.

mono

everyone's doing this thing with posting in a different language. which, i must say, is quite confusing to me when the language is something other than spanish. i try to translate them with freetranslation.com and the translator at dictionary.com, but it just doesn't work very well. if i remembered more of everything spanish i've learned, i'd gladly post in spanish. mostly because spanish is ten times easier than english. but since i've forgotten verb conjugations, and vocab, all that nice stuff that you need to know to carry on a lengthy and semi-deep conversation, i will not post whole posts in spanish. no, no escribo todo de este en español.

bah. i should be reading, taking notes, and studying for the psych test tomorrow, but alas, i'm still a lazy procrastinating teenager. these next two weeks are so jam packed with stuff, i cannot afford to get sick. at all. projects, papers, guitar thing, ACTs, tests, and the ever present question of "will i tell them of my heathen ways before easter". oh yeah and daivd's party. damn i already forgot. i have no time this weekend, and i need all the time this weekend. but that's how it goes.

and i have to get the oil changed in my car! every day i see that little sticker they put on your window telling you when your next oil change is, and i say this weekend i must do that, and yet i come home and forget.

i just had to put this link on this post. now i know how to easily make napalm. ah, gotta love a guy who appreciates fire enough to make his own napalm.

i have to go check out the new strongbad email now.

BAH! news like that should not be given to a hypochondriac. bah this post is crap. maybe i should've written in spanish.

C Em A D

i finally did it! i was able to claim my blog at blogshares. i think the reason why it wasn't working before is they said that weblogs.com (the site they use to find the blogs) had a problem with their xhtml, and i guess they fixed it. so there i am, at the left side of the screen, under the wander-lust button. click. i'd say buy some shares but as it is i don't think this blog would be worth more than $.01, but you can always sign up and buy some shares of someone else (i think gut rumbles is a good bet).


today we had our first rehearsal for the guitar "concert" that's on wednesday night with both classes. it sucked. hard. well, first period class is really bad. kyle and robert are probably the only decent ones, and they didn't play today. so it sounded really, really, really bad, with people off count and out of tune. and daniel, jess, and i still have to do our little 4 chord song. fun. i have a plan, though: since they're taking blood from me that morning (and i think i'm anaemic anyway), i might pass out and miss more than 2 periods of school, which would mean that i couldn't participate in any extra-curriculars, which means the concert. haHA.

mmm the smell of barbequed chicken. mmm. can't wait for dinner.

*sing*

happy birthday to you

happy birthday to you

happy birthday dear daivd

happy birthday to you!

i must be really stupid

that is one complicated process. signed up on blogshares, but i have no freaking idea how to claim my blog. i'll give it a day and then complain to the admins over there. like everybody else does.

if anyone knows how to "claim" blogs, please please help me. thanks.

must. take. nap.

who'da thought that sitting in a desk for three hours and 45 minutes would be so tiring. but here i am, wanting to go take a nap.

SATs were... well just like the other standardized tests out there. the only difference is that i really didn't feel good about it, the whole time i was taking the test. i'm thinking anything over a 1100 would be fantastic. i mean, i was trying to aim for a 1400, for berkeley (and i have to take the SAT II's for them... the only thing going for me is my gpa i think), but i am quite certain that that will not happen. not this time. i was hoping not to have to take them again, but now i don't know...

i have to read and take notes on Mama Day this weekend, along with a multiple choice thing chitwood wants us to do to practice for the AP exam. and yes, i'm taking the AP exam. not by choice. my parents are "making" me. kinda the same way they "made" me get confirmed. and look how that turned out.

i'm debating signing up at blogshares.com. not for my blog, mine would be worth maybe $.01 because i'm linked from alex, and i think that's pretty much it. unless other people are linking to me and i don't know about it. no, i'd buy shares in gut rumbles and zanderkind and watch the imaginary money roll in. also, it would give me one more thing to do on the net, so i don't have to spend two hours over at homestarrunner.com.

i wonder if i could get chris to mention weebl & bob in the column... but then again i don't think that's big press... but it does get read. hmmm...

next thursday we're finally starting on our compsci sites. i was so anxious that i started another just to see how tripod works, and how i'd have to change that blogger template so it works on a tripod site. which is pretty much just get rid of all the blogger code, but still. i've had so many good ideas of what i could put on the comsci site, but most all of them rely on me having a digital camara.

ok enough rambling for today. gotta go take that nap.

google. again.

you know you'd think it'd be easy to find someone on the internet these days. but apparently not. i've googled so much in the past hour that i don't think i can google any more. from one and a half hours, i got one freaking link. well technically two, but i don't count phs' sad website as one.

calling out to all people who read this and don't know who i'm talking about, but maybe by chance someone who does know will stop by: i'm looking for vince rose. because i'm curious. you could try to google some more, i'm just waiting for them to post some mp3's.

wow. i'm writing like crap, my brain doesn't work, and i'm taking SATs tomorrow. not a good sign.

once more, with feeling

sorry i was just over at the buffy site i visit so i had to put a buffy reference in here. wait, why am i explaining this to you? who knows.

revelation one: i hate doctors. well, not those in dentistry or optometry, but the primary physician crap that you go to see if you're sick. i will never go see another again. well, never after wednesday, 'cause i have to go get some blood drawn so they can do stuff with it. finally. i think it was the whole us insisting that since my dad's side has thyroid problems and diabetes it might be a good thing to check out. dr says "okay but i guarantee you everything's gonna be normal". that pisses me off so much. i don't want everything to be normal. i want to find out that something is terribly wrong with me so we can fix it. damn doctors. so yeah, one small victory, but the usual loss in general. bah.

accomplishment of today: I BEAT THE COMPUTER! haHA. had to find a way to change a word perfect document so that you could open it in word, and i did it. i've had a lot of battles with that stupid old computer of my mom's, and both times i have won. granted, the first win took me about 5 months, but it still counts as a win. so haHA. i spent a couple hours on that. felt good to outsmart that damn computer.

bah. blogrolling is down, i don't know what's up with it.

i was in a really really bad mood yesterday because my mouth was really hurting from my ortho appt. on tuesday. so if i pissed anyone off yesterday, sorry. most likely it was because of that. if it wasn't, then i probably meant to piss you off.

i still have to find a way to get weebl and bob in the press. hmm... does getting it all over the blogosphere count?

mmm pie (the original mmm)

i really, really want that weebl and bob t-shirt. a lot. i only need to know how i can get a mention of weebl and bob in the press.

i want that t-shirt, and the trogdor t-shirt they have over at homestarrunner.com.

my teeth got... filed or something today. now they're flat on the bottom, not all weird-like. but damnit they put rubber bands back on, and my teeth are starting to hurt again! bah. ok off to eat dinner.

funfun

so yeah. i just went to this really cool website. it's the most annoying web page. and no it's not annoying. it just says that to fool you. come to think of it, that's a really weird page.

oh well. again, posting at school. fun fun.