so help me jesus

ah yes, and the song that is a song. and now i have the whole toadies album on my mac. which i'm typing on now. ah, if people only knew.

happy pagan sun god feast day turned "jesus' birthday" by constantine so he could keep both gods! but that's a different story. i'm not into that sort of stuff anymore, but jesus was one cool kid. word to outcasts of society.

but anyway.

no one posts anymore! and yes i'm more than guilty of this, i blame long hours at work not being able to do anything but look at cnn on the net (when i'm on the net). that and the usual weirdess that is/has been me. but hey, more extreme ups than downs lately, which should be good...

the reason i'm posting is to exclaim the awesomeness of programmers yet again. i mean, what other geeks can do something like this... i mean i think that's just awesome. picture compliments of ernie, the local blogosphere webdev that i check out.

anyway. again.

sent my powerbook off to get fixed on wednesday of last week, got it back at 11am that friday, fixed. holy crap batman, apple even rocks when they're sending packages! and the best part is i don't have to spend money on it, since it was a non-recall recall. i have to check my battery's serial number again to see if i actually did get in on that other recall. but it's all good, seeing as how i only had to use the windows pc for 2 days.

watching all of the blade movies in the last 2 days makes me want to fish out my unused vampire fangs (the good ones this time) and make ipod playlists. even though i don't have an ipod. hot vampires == goooood. which reminds me, i haven't done any programming in like four weeks. that's harsh. i still have 3 weeks of semester break, over which i must work, sign up for orientation/go to orientation, be creative and make some art, and torment people about getting piercings. so much to do, so little time to procrastinate. i have next week off though...

maybe i'll hang around here some more in the coming days. who knows with this one. see you people when i see you. and remember, don't piss off the flying elephants. by the time you hear the big fwooping sound of their wings, it's already too late.

old revelations haunting like ghosts

no big surprise here. home for five days and the same tiredness, same frustration, same aches and sleeplessness.

i can't get by like i used to... i don't really know who i am anymore, who i'll become, who i want to be. everything should work like it's supposed to. people should be helpful and friendly, people should care. and i don't care anymore. after being enthusiastic about everything imaginable, life, love, school, the future... i'm back at the beginning. everything seems so unreal except this is reality, this is how it's been for years and it's not going to change just because you need it to. clear everything out, throw it all away. why keep things on your walls and tables if they're just material crap that mean nothing. i guess they meant something for a brief second, but now everything is just not right again. all birthday presents laying on the floor untouched. i haven't taken pictures in months, and i don't know if i ever will again. you stop doing the things you love, one by one they slip away and you don't care if they go... things fade and you let them go because being enthusiastic has gotten you burned every single time. i don't even care if something's wrong. everything's wrong. nothing's wrong. nothing changes anyway.

when you're young and naive you want to change the world. you want to help people and become something. now you just want to survive doing what will hopefully make you happy.

there's so much that i know, so much information, just tucked away for those few times that someone is willing to listen. but everything is wasted when you're looking for ways to get out. i'm tired of being let down time after time after time, always. and i answer 567 questions just to be told exactly what i know, like it's supposed to be a revelation that will kick me out of this. it's just a waste of time and energy. that'll all be the same, and i could try time after time, but the outcome will be the same. i can help others, but i can't be helped. at least i don't see how anything can help. there's no trauma, no damage, just there, and how can i compete with anyone? the irrationality of rationality. things make sense, things don't make sense. i'm confused past the point figuring things out anymore. and now i live my life purposely giving myself and other people an out. if you work and get money, you can pay back your parents for the year that you've wasted. if you taper off talking to people, it'll be easier to disappear. encourage your significant other to hook up with other people so when you end it they can keep on living life like that was never a bump in the road. i know my motives are fucked up, but until people show me otherwise, this is the way my life will be. so who am i? honestly, i'm not sure. i don't know. i can't be here, but i can't be anywhere else. there's a countdown that's started, i don't know exactly when, or what exactly it's counting down to, but i'll know when i get there.

bored 2

do this before reading the below. maybe.

take my quiz and then check out the scoreboard!

yes i stole it. from brian and kyle. this shows you how extremely bored i was. and the questions are really really bad too. so, yeah.

ps. this is an attempt to see who actually reads this thing anymore. since, you know, comments are a thing of the past i guess.

bored

001) What time did you start this? 4:20pm
002) Name? kristin
003) Date of birth? 11/06/85
004) Sex? f
005) Height? 5'6", even though on my driver's license it says 5'10"
006) Eye color? dark brown
007) Weight? 135 i think... maybe 140... depends on if i gained any weight from my "i don't really want to eat more than a meal or two a day" binge a month or so ago
008) Location? las cruces, nm, for another 5 days
009) Where were you born? espanola, nm
012) Do you have crush on someone? sure
013) Do you have a bf/gf? amazingly yes
015) How long have you been together? honestly no idea
016) What are you wearing right now? blue/black striped tube top, black pants, and a jacket type thing (it's raining)
017) Would you have sex before marriage? isn't this pretty much a religion based question? yes
018) Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers? no, i can safely say i have not
019) Are you a virgin? no
020) Do you smoke? no
021) Do you drink? no, reasons being that 1) i'm sick enough as it is and 2) i like to stay in control of myself as much as possible
022) Are you ghetto? no
023) Are you a player? no...
024) What are your favorite colors? blue, black, and grey. in that order.
025) What is your favorite animal? kitty
026) Do you have any birthmarks? yes
027) Have you ever gotten your ass kicked? no. i was a scrappy fighter
028) Who are your best friends? 3 or 4 people. not quite sure as of late
029) Have you ever beat someone up? i think it's called self defense
031) Have you ever been slapped? a couple times
032) Do you get online a lot? just about every second that i'm not in class or eating
033) Are you shy or outgoing? shy. not so much shy anymore, more like tired... but i'm working on it
034) Do you shower? yeah
035) Do you hate school? actually, yes, i do
036) Do you have a social life? no. none at all. honestly.
037) How easily do you trust people? i've gotten a lot better on the whole trust thing, so a lot more than ever i'd say
038) Have you ever lied to your best friends? i don't think i have. of course i don't remember half of the things i tell people or half of the things i hear, so i don't really know
039) Do you have a secret people would be surprised knowing? i think i've pretty much outed all my secrets in the past year
040) Would you ever sky Dive? sure.
041) Do you like to dance? i actually do like to dance. when i'm awake...
068) Have you ever been out of state? like 3 times. wait this goes from 41 to 68? wtf?
069) Do you like to travel? depends on how you define "travel"
071) Have you ever been suspended from school? no i'm too much of a suck up
072) Do you want to get out of your hometown? not really. then again i don't really have a hometown
073) Are you a brat? no
074) Have you ever been dumped? not yet
076) What's your favorite drink? milk. then orange juice. coffee is good too.
077) Do you like Snapple? never had it
078) Do you drink a lot of water? nope. almost none. it's amazing i haven't been in the hospital for dehydration...
079) What toothpaste do you use? why does it matter...
080) Do you have a cell phone or pager? yes
081) Do you have a curfew? i think i have an informal curfew for work. but i've always broken any curfews i've had
082) Who do you look up to? people who love life
083) Are you a role model? i hope not
085) What name brand do you wear the most? victoria's secret. hey, it's the truth.
086) What kind of jewelry do you wear? earrings, bracelet, choker, anklet
087) What do you have pierced? 3 pair lobe piercings, 1 pair helix/cartilage piercings, used to have my vch but i lost it due to not checking the tightness of the jewelry. i have such a bad piercing itch right now though...
088) What do you want pierced? lip (left side/bottom), eyebrow, vch maybe, thinking about dermal punching for another pair of cartilage rings... but actually i want labret studs in them so cartilage... piercings... punches...
089) Do you like taking pictures? yes
0090) Do you like getting your picture taken? i do now. there are almost no pictures of me in the last 6 years. i want a good picture!
091) Do you have a tan? no. i'm not supposed to anyway
092) Do you get annoyed easily? depends on my mood
093) Have you ever started a rumor? only for the purpose of seeing how fast something can get around school (which turned out to be less than a day). let's play the mono game!
094) Do you have your own phone/phone line? cell phone. but i never talk on phones anyway
095) Do you have your own pool? no
096) Do you have any siblings? yes
097) Do you prefer boxers or briefs? boxers. or boxer-briefs.
098) Have you ever been played? i don't think it counts as "played" if you intend to be used
099) Have you ever played someone? no
100) Do you get along with your parents? for the most part yes
102) How do you vent your anger? i don't. apparently it's a huge problem. and they said something like i'm in denial about my anger... blah blah blah
103) Have you ever run away? amazingly no
104) Have you ever been fired from a job? nope
105) Do you even have a job? yes. i start work again in 9 days
106) Do you daydream a lot? if i'm not paying attention, i'm daydreaming
107) Do you have a lot of ex’s? no. no chance to have an ex
108) Do you run your mouth? no
109) What do you want a tattoo of? the heart mantra, "love" in sanscrit, i like stars but they're a bit overdone...
110) What do you have a tattoo of? nothing. apparently i have really bad timing.
111) What are your favorite flowers? cala lilies (black roses rock too...)
112) What does your ex bf/gf look like? n/a
113) What does your most recent crush look like? johnny depp.
116) Are you rude? no
117) What was the last compliment you received? something along the lines of i'm awesome... from bryan so yeah
118) Do you like getting dirty? no. not at all.
119) Is your bellybutton an innie or outie? outie
120) Are you flexible? i'm getting there. i'm gonna take yoga next semester
121) What is your heritage? 3/4 spanish, 1/4 german
123) What does your hair look like right now? long, straight, the same it's been for roughly 6 years
124) Could you ever be a vegetarian? no. never.
125) When was your last real heartbreak? not quite sure...
126) Describe your looks? plain jane. who likes black.
127) If you had to completely dye your hair it'd be what color? completely: red or black. partially: blue or red in the front
128) Would you ever date someone younger than you? sure
129) Would you ever date someone older than you? sure
130) When was the last time you were drunk? never. and i intend to keep it that way
131) When was the last time you went on a date? last friday?
132) Would you rather give or receive oral sex? receive, of course
133) Have you ever given? yeah
134) Have you ever received? yeah
135) Have you ever had an eating disorder? i think i stopped it before my eating behavior became more than questionable.
136) Do you have one now? nope
137) How many rings until you answer the phone? if i'm going to answer the phone: 2
138) Have you ever been skinny dipping? i don't really remember
140) Do you look more like your mother or father? neither. but i do look like my cousin
141) Do you cry a lot? yes
142) Do you ever cry to get your way? never
143) If you had to amputate one limb, what would it be? none. oh, left pinky toe. but i think that's a digit and not a limb...
144) What phrase do you use most on the phone? uh-huh...
145) Are you the romantic type? yes...
146) Have you ever been chased by cops? no. i value the fact that i'm not an idiot
147) What do you like most about your body? most? nothing really
148) What do you like least about your body? shaving. honestly, i hate it.
150) When was the last time you threw up? i can't remember
151) In the opposite sex, do you prefer blondes or brunettes? red heads of course. then brunettes.
152) What do the shoes you last wore look like? grey new balance
153) Do you ever wear shirts to show your belly? no. all belly showing is completely unintentional.
154) What about cleavage? actually i have a shirt that i wear specifically because it gives me cleavage.
155) Is your best friend a virgin? ha, ha ha ha. i don't think any of us have any morals about that kind of thing.
156) Have you ever fucked someone up? in what context...
157) Have you ever been fucked up? i want to say yes but in what context...
158) What color are your underwear right now? grey. (c'mon. there was a 1 in 3 chance you would've guessed it anyway. am i right?)
159) What theme does your room have? none.
160) What size shoe do you wear? 10ish
161) What jewelry are you wearing now? earrings
162) What is your screen name on AIM? pyro1065
163) Would you pick a wedgie in public? aren't girls used to that sort of thing wearing thongs...
164) How are you feeling right now? tired. and sick. i'm still coughing. but my throat almost doesn't hurt at all anymore!
165) When was the last time you were at a party? does august count?
166) Have you ever given a lap dance? i think i might have. can't remember...
167) What do you sleep in? pajamas (spaghetti strap top and shorts)
168) Has there ever been a rumor spread about you? considering everyone still thinks i'm a lesbian...
169) What is one of your bad qualities? depression
170) What is one of your good qualities? good listener
171) Would you marry for money? depends on how low i am at the time
172) What do you drive? honda civic (standard)
173) Are you more of a mama or daddy's child? neither... i'm kind of an anomaly...
174) When was the last time you cried in school? you know, i totally made it through 13 years of school just to be conned out of a good cry at senior retreat. damn them for getting me on one of my overly sad days.
175) Do you wear Chucks? no
176) For two million dollars, would you pose for Playboy? of course
177) What time are you finishing this? 5:12 pm

fall into winter

leaves all over the ground. bright green. yellow. red. piles and piles and you wade through them as you go to class. big fluffy pillows, and if it wasn't so cold you'd want to lay in them and imagine a time when things were innocent, the laughter was pure, and every day was exciting. watching the moon out from behind grey clouds while driving back to a place that seems so unfamiliar. getting lost in the stars and the perfect shades of grey, the light off the moon and remembering how you look in that moonlight. feeling good and alive and even police officers with too much time on their hands won't get you down. singing at the top of your lungs because you can, words that are so chilling yet so perfect at the same time. crying every night again, but it's back to a release instead of just something that will prolong that feeling of nothingness, the darkness and the cold, hunger and confusion. maybe it's gone on holiday.

and so many babies! little buddha and beautiful girl, just right where they're supposed to be. one with so much energy and already such personality, the other still feeling out the world, but making everyone else smile anyway. and then another one come yesterday. so small and so fragile, she couldn't wait to see the world. but she's got something that tells me she'll stick around. and she gets to be in an incubator like me, except i came right on time. the babies! i fear babies and all that they hold. a new life in the world, a thing that at times seems so beyond my grasp. and what if i hurt it? there's so much that comes into play when you're responsible for the creation of a person. i fear them. but they are beautiful little creatures... especially when they smile.

and more rushing and doing unwanted things. sometimes it turns out well, other times not so well. a feeling of wanting to be safe totally corrupted by the knowledge of danger. knowing i need to be safe, safe from myself, and finding it in the arms of a love. falling asleep knowing with absolute certainty that i am loved, and knowing that one day i will be better. and try to carry that through.

times are different, and yet so much the same. i don't know people anymore, although i think others know me better now, if at all. we all have so much, so much, and i take it all for granted. every single piece of it. if you really think of what you have, what life is, every little thing. cold milk. clouds. turning fall leaves. falling leaves. water. hugs. smiles. understanding. fire. that feeling after focusing completely on your form in martial arts. that little flutter in your stomach when someone says "i love you".

there's so much to look forward to. so much. i don't know why i can't always see that, or why i sometimes want to get away from it. but things happen. optimistic? not exactly. just... ok.

Newton's Laws:

Gravity = Love
Motion = Karma

Athol Fugard
Notebooks 1960-1977

i didn't think that i'd have to be back here so soon. i thought sunday that i was going to break. all weekend that i was going to break. but i didn't. i held on and kept it together. i thought i was going to die sunday night. but i didn't, i made it back in one piece, and i kept myself together. good days, finally, later. there are sirens outside. they've been going steady for the past week. wonder if it's real, someone lying in the back of an ambulance holding on for their life... or if it's just another alarm pull by the children here. there was a girl lying on the floor in corbett today. the emt's were working on her. blonde hair all mussed up and flying everywhere, matted against her head from the elastic cord they have on the oxygen mask. writhing, crying. four people seemingly darting to get things done, to help her, to do their jobs. woman on a cell phone, long black coat, disconnected look. i thought she might be calling out for food, with how disinterested she looked. but everyone takes it differently. i just glanced and walked by. ten feet away people were going on as usual, drinking their coffee and reading newspapers and talking with friends. having a good time. so disconnected from the world. that could be anyone. an everyman, everywoman. no one cares anymore. we just keep going with our lives. no one else matters.

i went back to my room and slept.

"friends don't let friends go to unm". who says that to a person. certainly not an adult that's supposed to help you. someone who says "well you can't handle two maths" or that "unm isn't the same caliber as here". people are supposed to help. i could've tape recorded her and no one would believe me. that red sweater. horn rimmed glasses. voice of superiority. no one believes. when you say the same thing time after time, no one will believe anything you say, even if it's true every time.

and they made me talk to the counselor. they made it sound like they figured i'd kill myself if they couldn't get me an appointment, i tried to say that was fine and hang up, but they transferred me over to her and she sounded like she knew me already. "right, i got your email. actually, i have an opening wednesday. i'll sign you up for then". it's gonna be the same. all i wanted was medication, but have to go through the motions again. no one seems helpful there to me. they just all treat you like you're going to kill yourself.

and meanwhile no one notices the people who sit alone in taos everyday. same table, same food. same distant look. that desparate glance when someone walks by their table... maybe... just maybe they'll sit down... and i? i've made an art of being alone. it comes with the attitude, the belief. closed body language, right foot up on the chair. don't make eye contact. don't make any contact. and eat because now you're forcing yourself to. i don't have anything to talk to people about anymore. "maybe if you're not so lazy...", "maybe if you didn't whine...", "well, if you got out once and a while...". so why bother. i say "yeah, my favorite band is in town tonight at hurricane alley, but it's 21+." "who?" "flickerstick." "oh. never heard of them." and i wonder why i'm enthusiastic about music anymore, so i just let it pass.

no one really cares.

in a world where we're all so selfish, it's a wonder that more people haven't killed themselves. people say that suicide is the most selfish act anyone could do. my view, aren't you being selfish by saying that? i've always viewed suicide as the most powerful thing you could ever do. not murder, murder isn't power because the other person doesn't have a choice. with suicide, you're telling the world that you give up on it, not the other way around. the ultimate in power. the ultimate in control.

two people remembered my birthday. one was obligated. one was a day late. and all i wanted to do was sleep.

and so, the self fulfilling prophecy has been, well, fulfilled. and i didn't just hit the floor. i broke. it hurt this time. it never hurt before, at least i don't remember it. dull. could've at least snagged some blades. and now i've broken a promise, and that won't heal. and if it does... knowing me i'll feel worse. does it count as a slip up? i don't know. i wasn't going to get the tattoo anyway. i'll never get it.

i felt so good this morning. so perfectly good. and i wanted to write. maybe if i had just gotten on here sooner, i wouldn't have to be apologizing so much.

please... not again...

bye

i'm leaving for a while. maybe i'll get back here when i absolutely need to... i don't know.

bye.

devil's night

it's devil's night. i'll be watching the crow and getting mentally and emotionally fucked up, but it's the only time in the year when i allow myself to do so.

hm... and i didn't even watch the full moon this time.

fading.

i'm crashing... after 3 days of being ok i'm not anymore... and i was more than ok i was happy... now... i can't sleep after being so intensely tired for the past few days... tired beyond the point of sleeping anymore? it's been an hour and i'm wide awake but now i'm crying 'cause i tried not to think about it and yet everything just comes flooding back and i can't help it. i can't make it stay away and all i was thinking is how i need something to make me go to sleep... i wish someone was here to sit with me... anyone... i just don't feel safe... i never feel safe anymore. i just need to sleep that's all i want is sleep... why is this so hard? i can't do this... i have to sleep...

you're never there

thoughts racing that make me start to crash, to break in two and just sit where i am hyperventilating, crying... thinking where where where i have to do it now, but something or someone always keeps me from it. i've been trying to trigger myself the whole day. i even went to house of sins, but i scared myself by doing so because i got it through my head that i really was at a pro-ana site. and that i had gone there of my own free will. there are no pro-si sites. i looked for a while. why? i wanted to see it again. i don't have a bme membership anymore, i can't see the ritual cutting gallery more than the first few pages. a few weeks ago they scared me. i would barely glance at them and i would get so freaked out... but now... things always happen. they haven't replied to my email. should i go back to a crappy counselor just for the purpose of getting medication? i said i would, but they haven't emailed me back. and i'm sure i was supposed to do something for my scholarship this week, i just can't figure out what. i have weird dreams now, and weird daydreams... seeing things how they should be. plans. i made plans. just the phrase itself is so loaded. plans. plans never work, and how many times have i said that? that plans and dreams and hopes are just crap? now i don't know what i'll do that weekend. if the play isn't that week, then what's the point of going home and being humiliated once again, going just so i can please someone else. and i don't know i can never make decisions, not anymore with these two different people coming out at random times and fucking everything up. and i think if i lose six months i won't be able to get my tattoo. but as it is that changes with what person i am. feeling good, lower back. feeling bad, left forearm. how will i know? how will i know what mood i'll be in on that day? will i have to get two to satisfy both people? and what if i just stop all body mod, who am i then? who am i now? i don't know anymore. i don't have drama. i don't have my old mannerisms. all i have is this... thing. and i think i'm getting an ed. i don't know. my stomach hurts. my head hurts. i took ibuprofin but it's still here. maybe i could go to sleep... and every time i have a really bad urge i can't tell you. i've misused you so much already. when i did it to him he had sense enough to drop me before i could hurt him. i don't see him anymore, i don't think i ever will. no one sees me anymore. how could they? they look right through me. and that's how it should be. it would be easier. and more people die... she was a little sweet girl and now she's murdered and she left behind a two year old. i told my mother i didn't remember her but i do, of course i do i remember everyone. everyone that dies... everyone dies. empathy. sometimes i hate being so empathetic, feeling what others do. it makes me go crazy because they aren't even my emotions, they're someone else's. someone else's fears and sadness, why do i feel them? why do i have to feel them? all i ever wanted to do was just watch the moon and the stars. that's all...

the past. revisited.

"the future doesn't exist. all you have is the past, the present, and your memories. and doesn't that just suck?"

i'm in a weird place right now. all last night i tried not to think about being back in this room today, tried not to remember that i had to step back into the real world. but then i woke up and we were doing everything separate again, getting ready to leave to our different schools, different lives. i drove back in a fog... slightly reckless but it's not like that doesn't happen all the time. back and tired and teary eyed and i tried to sleep and not think of tomorrow, not think that i'll be here until thanksgiving and then dec 10th and then back in january and won't be free until may. i had two things to look forward to, to keep me going. one was this weekend, and the other was getting out of here at semester. now this weekend's gone, and i can't leave. and it's not like i ever get a choice, i should've known that by now... but at the same time i was still hoping...

everything just feels so much... worse now. and it's not, it's the same as it was a month ago or even last tuesday. classes are the same, homework's the same, same labs and tests, same routine. but now there's no out.

i started this in seventh grade: live for the weekend. because whatever happens during the week can temporarily fade away with sleep on the weekend. back then living till the weekend seemed like such a stretch, but the weekend would come, and i would sleep, maybe even without crying if i could distance myself from reality enough... and i would start another week. and that's how i survived seventh grade.

sure, i could say that it was the logical arguments i set up for myself: you can't be this miserable for the rest of your life. this is only temporary. you'll get friends. you'll find someone who understands. you'll get to a point where everything isn't so hard. because you have to. life always gets better, if even for just a moment. and you live for those moments don't you? you'd live for those moments... i was very persuasive, but at the same time i had this underlying feeling that i was just telling myself these things so i wouldn't have to bother with being ultimately misunderstood in suicide.

i was, and am, greatly misunderstood. which is my own fault, i know. if i actually said what i felt, said what i thought, said what i wanted... ah, but i learned early that people don't listen to me. when you don't listen, you'll never understand anything about another person.

and the funny thing is i could write a much better suicide note when i was in seventh grade than i ever could now. i don't think i've ever gone a year without mentally writing some sort of suicide note. back then i wanted to explain every single facet of my mind and my emotion, my motivation behind the act. i wanted them to be ripped apart by my words. i wanted them to realize that they ignored the wrong person. i wanted them to be so confused about life that they'd rethink everything. i wanted them to hurt. and what now? last time i thought on it (last week? the week before?) it was just emailing my best friends and telling them that i love them and i'm sorry... and then calling my boyfriend and just telling him that i love him. that's all. no explanation anymore. i've given up all desire to explain myself because no one listens anymore. when i was younger i figured i could make them listen. now i'm older and more resigned. my point was proven perfectly this last wednesday. people wonder why i have such low self esteem. it's from being basically told that i'm an idiot and don't know how to live my own life (not in so many words, or with that exact connotation, but i've been through it so many times that i get it perfectly by now). as perfect as i've tried to be to prove them wrong, to prove everyone wrong, i'm still seen as the stupid little girl who can't do anything for herself. and so ok then, if that's what you think, then that's how i'll be. i've always been a firm believer in the concept that if you're unjustly punished, might as well do something that the punishment could account for. and so yeah, i'm not eating, not drinking water, not walking, not getting out and doing anything social. it's kind of like my revenge. i've been doing it in one form or another for years now. as long as i can remember, actually. somewhere around summer junior to senior year it switched to cutting. but the problem with that one was that it actually worked, did it's job. one of those epiphany kind of moments. i don't remember how i stumbled onto it... only that i had been thinking about it for about 3 years but never done it due to the social stigma placed on cutters, among other things. i don't even remember why i finally did it. then again i can't remember much of anything over the years. and then i had to go and write that story for creative writing last semester. and then ooh look she's depressed and suicidal we must help her she's second in the class and we can't look bad if this gets out we must help her to make us look good! we must save her! i was too tired to argue with them. i was too tired to lie anymore the whole last year. i was pissed off as all hell because i was 18 and as such not a minor anymore, they didn't have to put me through that shit. but i understand why they did it. i flat out refused counseling. they were going to force me to go into therapy, because that's their policy. but, since it was the last quarter of school, time didn't allow them to carry out any disciplinary actions if i didn't get therapy. i planned it all well. yes, i planned it that way, just in case something went wrong (as it did) i'd have an out. i wouldn't have dared to turn in something like that any time before then, because of what they could force me to do. and no one wants to be known as the crazy person in the family... we never talk about such disfunction in my mother's family. and oh, is there tons. i don't blame them, i don't blame any of them, because i think i inherited a little more than just hair and skin color from my mother's side. i think i got the crazy gene. i can pick out a few people actually. but no one speaks of such things. no one talks about the obvious bipolar traits in certain people (not me... i still insist that i'm never high enough or reckless enough to be considered manic)...

it's funny how much you pick up by just listening and watching people. this is how i learn. i listen, and i watch. so much so that i feel much more comfortable listening to a person for hours on end and never saying a thing about myself. and, by listening to everything a person says, you also find out everything they don't say. i made a comment a few years ago that i would tell anyone anything they wanted to know about me, as long as they asked. they have to ask.

and, to my great relief at times, no one ever asks.

it makes things easier. i tend to alienate people unintentionally when i talk about myself, my life.

ha, another thing: i can't write when other people are in the room.

tired now.

free download

not much to say, except flickerstick's teenage dope fiend is up for free download at itunes. apparently i was a week off in what i thought it would be, so it's only up until tuesday.

check it out. or not. whatever.

decisions, decisions.

hi.

um, i'm not quite sure what to say... or maybe just how to say this.

i'm... tired. and infinitely confused, but what's really new with that one. i'm shaky today, which only kind of scares me. i have started to, decline shall i say, in my eating habits again. figured i did it a couple years ago, also being on copious amounts of caffiene, except right now i'm about 15 pounds lighter than i have been in what three four years? that would scare me, except i can't be brought to freaking out about health things anymore. told yesterday i was looking frail. can't really argue with it. ha, i guess it's just si in another form now isn't it. ah well. so, the tired thing, pretty much accounted for. i was offered antidepressants after 45 minutes of my "counselor" mumbling her way through the intro session. which pissed me off greatly. granted, i've been seriously thinking of getting myself on meds, but on the other hand i've also been seriously thinking of just taking up smoking pot. right now it could go either way. but the one thing is you don't ever get the urge to overdose on pot, while if you're taking pills... and what? suicidal ideation? i didn't know i wasn't supposed to talk about that one. no one tells me these things. but you know, on tuesday night overdosing on pills sounded like a really novel idea to me. which in turn made me think i was even crazier the next morning when i woke up and thought, "what the FUCK?". (clarification - overdosing not really my thing. i've always preferred slitting my wrists. i think it's the combination of something i'm used to and for me it would be a lot more likely with success if i slit my wrists. you always hear of people getting found after an overdose and getting saved.). but really, it sounded quite good. and while we're on the subject of my new checklist of things: had 3 panic attacks tuesday night, in the span of 4 hours. two were while i was in a theatre, in between two people who i don't know, watching a play that has become notorious of fucking with my head (by the way, it's amazing. i wish everybody could see it. then again maybe some people aren't into expressionism as much as i am). didn't help that i'd been "manic" (i use the term loosely) for the previous 24 hours. so, after freaking out indoors, i practically ran out of the theatre and started walking, thinking that would help. it didn't. proceeded to go back to room, alienate boyfriend, cut off all possibilities of anyone getting a hold of me, and have 3rd panic attack. and i must say, i wasn't really expecting it. considered throwing out 4 months yet again, realized that i still didn't have razor blades, spent another hour on bus, and then cried myself to sleep.

um, and now i realize that everyone's run away. everyone being the 2 people that read this. hm. that's ok.

what to say... so i'm miserable at school. came home for the weekend, don't really know why now that i'm here. maybe i thought that i wouldn't feel that i'm dying in this house. didn't really think that one through. it's kind of funny, now that i think of it. 2 different people, emerging at totally random times, just to make me thoroughly confused and make it so i can't make any decisions or plans at all. case in point: kristin 1 wants to transfer to unm, be with friends, get out of this shit, get into theatre, and have a chance at living/being happy. kristin 2 wants to cut herself off from everyone, break up with bf so he won't have to put up with her, stay at nmsu, stay miserable, drag my way through the next 4 years and at the same time fill my arm and hip with scars. now, on any given day kristin 1 and kristin 2 can switch off one to oh, say, five, six times. having a good day means staying with one personality consistently the whole day. so, depending on the moment, i can make up a plan for my future, and then totally contradict that plan. back and forth and back and forth and it's really amazing that i get done what i get done. i'm honestly amazed that i haven't ditched class. wait... i'm not, because that would mean that i would end up getting something less than an A in class.

fuck. me.

now, all that being said, you can imagine why i haven't been so keen on posting lately. because do you really want to hear this type of shit again and again and again... i mean, i could go on, but i realize i've already said too much. which is a funny thing in and of itself.

ah, but the matter at hand. i'm, how shall i say... quite convinced that i will not have the support of my parents in the "plan" of transferring to unm. which, you know, i could still do. i mean i have money, i have a promised job, i can get loans... but the thing is (oh and i just love this one), my parents have successfully planted a seed of doubt in my mind. and let's just say that the plant produced by that seed will be a weedy kind. the fucking thing just won't go away. (fatal flaw of living in this house and voluntarily coming back: this kind of shit happens all the time. somehow i keep thinking things will be different now. how sadly wrong i was). and so, with that said, i'm at a quite interesting conflict. it seems that kristin 1 and kristin 2 have now temporarily merged. they're kind of both starting to agree with each other.

i don't know. seriously, i'm just as surprised when my mood changes as everyone else. i don't know who i'll be tomorrow or even the next hour. i'm not sure about anything. and yes, i do mean anything.

you don't understand that. then again, you don't have to.

fuck it

it's always good to feel that you are an intelligent person.

although, it is not good when you feel infinitely superior to a person who is supposed to be your counselor.

now how to get out of the next appt...

i won't do this to you anymore.

i'm going back to my old self.

i'm sorry.

tarantula

i just got tarantula.

it's like this every single time. so... perfect.

i could die and be fine.

go!

the highs and lows

i'm here again, the same place that i always find myself, time after time. it's too faniliar, and yet i won't get out of it. sometimes i try, i really really try, harder than almost anything i do, harder than resisting the urge to cut or forcing myself to interact with people or making myself just get out of bed. everything gets that much harder. eating seems like a task... talking on the phone is someone squeezing the life out of you, words blur together in anything meant to be read for homework. i can't understand anything anymore. i have a huge cs test tomorrow (huge because you only have something like 3-4 tests in a whole semester) and i don't even care. this is my major and i don't even care about learning or doing well. yeah, maybe it's unconscious wanting to fail out, do badly to have an excuse, but i... i don't know anymore. i spent too much energy on being perfect for the past 12 years. i can't do it anymore. and yet i can't tell them that i can't do it anymore. "are you ok?" "yeah, i am". and i'm not. i'm really, really, really not. but everything would be so much more easier for everyone else if i stayed here, because everything revolves around money. $3k per year and that's everything payed for. no loans, no debts, everything school-related paid for. and how can i compete with that? how can anything i say possibly compete with 4 years paid for? i can't say that i'm miserable, that i'm sick, that i'm... they wouldn't believe me. they never do. and now i'm swinging again, after months of being even i'm back to one moment up the next down the next up. a period of days being down and then out of nowhere it's gone, and i'm on top of the world. then as quickly as it came it goes, and i'm left tired and alone. so tired. but everything has a responsibility. on and on and on and... and i almost lost 4 months wednesday, because i wanted to, wanted to more than anything. i wanted to feel horrible because i deserved it. everything's so much easier that way, i deserve to be miserable so i can stay in this situation which will make things easier for all. and i'll go to class and eat sometimes and do homework and cut and be fucked up but that's the way it's supposed to be. the world keeps going and i stay in this pit, fading, fading, fading... everything's easier at the bottom. at the bottom it doesn't matter if you have no friends around. doesn't matter if no one sees you. doesn't matter if you do good or bad. doesn't matter if you get out of your room at all. doesn't matter if you eat or not. doesn't matter if you get a job. doesn't matter if your arms are filled with scars and you wear sleeves just so people won't pester you, not because you're ashamed of them. nothing matters. i wanted nothing to matter so badly on wednesday. but i can't even do that anymore. why does everything have to be so hard all the time? i go from wanting to be better to wanting to be completely immersed in this thing. being happy or being me. everything is in extremes: black or white, up or down, happy or depressed. there is no middle ground, no middle path. and i don't know what to do from day to day... just because i make plans to get better and go see a counselor today doesn't mean that when that day comes i'll feel like i can do it, i won't, i'll just feel like staying in bed and staying in my situation. ups and downs and i want medication and i don't want medication. sometimes i want everyone to stop caring so that i can disappear... all this would be so much easier if people didn't care. but that's not really what i want, that's just the darkness talking. people are the only reason i'm still here... and as much as i have to make the future about me, for me, i still do things only because of others. why can't i just fade away...

waves of being

i'm not really motivated to do much of anything right now, let alone post. so to tide you over i present:

the white sands excursion

public service announcement

yes the psa is on the .mac page too, but i'm gonna lose that in 29 days. so have your fill.

she will be loved

town full of beer, but no razor blades. brilliant.

screw charAt returns

when i said that i always get up at 2pm on weekends, i didn't really mean it... it kinda scares me when i wake up and even though i want to go back to sleep decide to look at the clock and it's 1:30. woah.

i had some... really disturbing dreams last night. and i don't know if it was because i spent a good 6 hours doing java programming yesterday. i mean, usually when i program for that length of time, my dreams actually have code in them, but not last night.

they scared me. and not how i was scared when i had my first nightmare again after years of being over that sort of thing. scared me like my subconcious was getting pissed at me that i am temporarily feeling ok. maybe they were my mind's cries for attention, saying that i can't get past what i was, what i am. i dreamt about suicide. i dreamt about rape. i dreamt about being stuck in a situation i couldn't get out of (actually i think that one was there more to piss me off than anything since the basis of the dream (religion) doesn't exist anymore). i dreamt about everyone leaving me. i dreamt about razor blades. and every few hours when i woke up i wasn't sure where i was, in what city, in what state of mind. i wasn't sure whether i was in someone else's bed or my own. i wasn't sure if i actually did want to hurt myself.

the dreams confused me greatly. and when i woke up and found myself back in this room, in this city, i felt kind of sad. it's all so hard to explain, but it's like part of me was disappointed that this didn't happen to me...? i don't know. when i was truly awake i shook myself out of it. and now... now i'm ok again.

wednesday, thursday, and friday were all good days. it kind of amazed me, and made me feel really good too. and it was to that point of "i don't care if i fail, because i feel good", and i've been there before, so i have a vague feeling that it's just one of my high points before i crash again. but, i'm getting things done and feeling good about it. even if i never figure out how to do that one program for my cs lab, it won't really matter, because i've learned so much this week in terms of programming because of that problem. messing around with code... i missed it. i'm kind of thinking that i'm using java as a supplement to web dev instead of actual programming... which is ok, but more pure programmers get jobs than web devs do. but right now i have a weird outlook on the future...

so yes, i've been tremendously busy. wait, scratch that, i've supposed to have been tremendously busy. my old procrastinating self thought "well i'll do it this weekend", and so that's what i'm doing. everything. this weekend. but i still allow myself a good couple hours on the internet right after i wake up. it contributes to my sanity. so does walking, which i've been doing every night now. it makes me feel good.

so with any luck now that i'm on a programming bug that means next week i'll update all my sites (and get alex's blog done...). i was thinking of posting all my notes on the internet. that's not a bad thing, is it? i know i had a certain view of... helping others... when i was in high school. but now that i'm in college... eh. it's still an elective. might as well boost your gpa while you can.

anyway...

i should get going on everything i need to do.

i now have, besides AIM (because shockingly not everyone uses aim. wtf?), yahoo IM, and MSM (that i don't put on my dock since i don't know anyone who uses it...). and i'm on the net something like 6 hours a day. so if you want to talk, go for it.

(yes i know i didn't put my sn but i don't want to get spammed yet again. ask for it in the comments if you really want it.)

oh yeah, if you want to see what 3 of the 6 hours yesterday was spent on, go here. not guaranteeing that it will work for you, as i know of one pc where it wouldn't. macs should be ok. if you can see java things, then it should work.

and up

i felt good today. all day.

that's all.

breaking rules

i feel like i should say something.

this last week held the biggest extremes that i've felt in a long, long, long while. i wanted to get into it, to say how i felt like every ounce of energy left me the moment bryan went back last monday. how i felt so extremely good and proud of myself after i wrote my theatre paper, felt like i could function again. tuesday comes and as much as i'm looking forward to the day it just always brings me down. tuesday night seeing rehearsal for machinal: up. wednesday not being able to focus and write the other theatre paper or do homework: down. wednesday at precisely 6pm when tickets for incubus were won: up. wednesday night incubus concert: it felt like i was high i was so happy (the pot smoking right next to me might've helped...). i could've been floating, somewhere else, just so extremely up. thursday morning easy soc test that took me 10 minutes to do: up. theatre quiz that makes me feel like an idiot afterwards: down. thursday night... after not seeing zozobra due to my actions: down. and then down, down, down, so that i was rifling through my purse on the way back to albuquerque looking for a safety pin to dissipate the overwhelming urge to cut, even with bryan right next to me and kristen in the back seat... not finding one and proceding to slip further and further down. exact contrast to night before. friday, down. didn't recover from the night before. saturday: down until sometime in the afternoon when the bad energy was pulled from me and i felt ok again. saturday night: flat.

sunday, 12:30am: breakdown.

everything that i'd been holding in for such a long time just came out. and it was the best thing that i could've done. i said what i felt, what i thought, what i believed, even as illogical as it all was. and is, to an extent. saying that i want this to stop, but i don't know how... i don't want to talk to a therapist, i don't want medication. but i want it to be over. and i don't know. everything of last week was just too much for me. too much, and i couldn't get out of it.

and i don't know. now that i'm back here, i don't know. i know it'll come back, that i will slip back into it, because i always do and i think i always will, i just have to be better about trying to get myself out of it. i say all these things now, but once it comes back i don't know what i'll be saying. i just know that i don't want to hurt anyone... and at the same time i don't want to hurt myself.

i should be tired and sleeping now. i should keep writing. it helps. talking helps. and that's what i think i need now. help.

karma

it seems now the world outside me is reflecting how i am.

won tickets to the incubus concert 1.5 hours before it started, because i was procrastinating doing work and aj told me to go win tickets for us. whoda thought. awesome wednesday night contrasted by last night. and i didn't have any safety pins around.

six months is going to be so hard.

right

there are few places where i feel right. one just happens to be a theater. i was sitting in the zohn theater tonight, watching rehearsal of a play that i feel that i know now, i've read and thought about and internalized, almost going crazy in the process... but seeing the actors, tom's setup and interpretation of it... i missed being onstage immensely. and to think, a real stage, in a real theater. lights and sound, backstage, having the option of changing sets. direction, being able to take a character apart and build them up as someone real, react to everything around, the situation, the emotions, blocking, frustrations and accomplishments. sharing inside jokes with fellow thespians. being able to say thespians and be understood. i miss it all.

i want to be a part of that again. it won't happen soon... i have too much that i can't handle already. but next semester, i'll have things at least halfway figured out. i'll be able to spend 4 hours every day at rehearsal. i'll be able to focus on my job. i'll be able to feel good after the production's over. and then i'll belong somewhere again. all i ever did was drama... and even then i didn't do it well. i want to do it well.

which has a better theatre scene, nmsu or unm?

everything passes

better. finally got it written... now i feel like i might be able to get through the rest of the week without just staying in bed all day.

short weekend. it always goes so fast and i feel so bad for being so sad most of the time. and i try to make myself stop being so sad... so out of it... but sometimes it just doesn't work that way. sometimes no matter how much i'm told that things will be better and that i'm gonna be ok, i just can't see past the fog and the feeling and the tears. and it's so easy to just curl up under the covers and not look out into the world, not let anything in. if nothing comes in then nothing can hurt, i can't let myself down or let someone else down. i just keep remembering that i'm loved, that at any point in time if things really did get bad, that i'd always have somewhere to go. and that everything does pass.

i get frustrated when i can't write here, but i get even more frustrated when i can't write something for a grade. because then things just spiral downward... fail class, lose motivation, go under 3.5, lose scholarship, lose college, and then what the hell am i supposed to do... yeah, i am still a pessimist. i do still think that the worse will happen, i'm just better at trying to lie to myself now. i guess i'm still in the way of thinking to downplay everything, that way when something good happens, it's even better, and when something bad happens well i expected it so life just sucks anyway. there's a psychological/sociological name for that, but i've forgotten over time.

passes. it passed enough so i could write. passed enough so i could walk back to the cafeteria and see people and feel ok. passed enough so i could come back to an empty room and not feel lonely... one step at a time. one hour, one day, one week. then a month, then a semester, and then to look back and see that everything passed...

it's still hard though.

daze

i feel like all my energy has been drained from me.

i have no idea how i figured i'd be able to write that paper now.

i'm sorry.

sometimes i don't know

bad day. bad, bad day.

at least i got a tetanus shot out of it.

wait, that's a bad thing too.

spending way too much time on bus.

i have to write. why can't i write??

we'll try each other on to see if we fit

so... not here. just a state of zoning out and wanting to sleep again, drift into that place where i dream and everything goes away. where everything feels peaceful and right and i never need to wake up to be someone else. songs like dreams and the feeling of sleep. how do you describe feeling... the same way you feel it. soft and smooth and warm all at the same time. moving in a swaying vibe, back and forth with closed eyes and perfect rhythm. because it's so much better than where i am now. cold, sharp, noisy room, bright light without warmth and an aura of tension. tight muscles and cluttered spaces and night that's just on the other side of the door. known responsibilities and tasks that just can't be done, no focus except on the made up feeling of sleep. guitar and bass and a steady drumming... does anything ever get explained? good intentions and actions distorted into something unfamiliar and creepy. getting jolted back into this reality of made up realities by the steady beeping of the alarm clock, pushing past another day. happy and sad, optimistic and tired, wanting to do everything possible yet too tired and unfocused to actually do it. make it easier, make it sleep, make it dream. just sit under the fading sunlight and the coming darkness, under the stars and the moon and the clouds, freeze in the moment of sleep in reality. existing while not existing. everything comes back to you in the end, nothing goes unnoticed or unanswered, karma and regret, they all just flood back when you just want to fade out into the warmness of not being. focus and focus but i'm back to all those late nights where the specific words won't come. writing for assignments never starts out well. the base thought of whoring words out for an unwanted purpose. and this feeling that i can't shake for now, don't want to shake it off, just stay in the space where things don't happen forever... i miss the world of contentment and sleep. do you dream when you're dead? lights just can't shut off and everything ceases. energy can't be destroyed, so where do you go... out, around, off to an eternal dream state. we wish. i don't think about it anymore. not heaven or hell or god or angels, life having a greater meaning and people having a purpose. it all just... faded. cynicism and finally waking up to my real world, putting my life in my own hands instead of some unknown creator. nothing exists until we say it does, and even then... filling out scholarship applications and having to think about the future. and i say it doesn't exist. but i can't let it go anymore. the same four years of getting through, following a set plan without breaking out and doing what matters. fading and fading and waiting for someone to come and wake me up again. why? why not. life ends after you stop waking up. it's all different now, different and new... what to do besides, and i don't feel like doing it again, after three months and off and on and still wanting to be a part of something, i don't feel like it anymore. reading and reading and not being there. no scars. i have no scars, and no one knows until i tell them. no one would have ever known, and i'd probably still be doing it. millions of realities and i had to pick this one. some things outweigh others. respect for the body means not defiling it... and for a second there i understood perfectly and felt guilty for everything i do, but then my mind went back to the laws created by men on behalf of an entity that doesn't exist. but i still don't know. i understand now, but i don't know. do other people understand why they do the things they do to their bodies? sometimes i wonder, but i never forget. taking it all back would be like taking back those other people, the past people. they existed, they existed to create me, to change and develop and all of a sudden i'm here. sometimes i hate the other people, but most of the time i think "how can i get that one back, how can i bring her back"... i can't. she's faded away into the infinite parallel universes (universi) and now i stand here in this one. circles and cycles, everything comes back around.

i never sat under the stars and just... was. i've always wanted to do that, but things get in the way. i wanted to tell you everything and yet shield you, so that we could both be on our separate ways and never look back. just end before anyone could get hurt... when did i change...

loners and republicans and jesus freaks, oh my!

so, it should be about time that i post about this whole ordeal rather than how i'm freaking out so much.

generally... i've had a lot of time to myself. too much, maybe. so much that the first weekend i was here i stayed in my room the whole time, sleeping and just staying under the covers, sometimes crying, sometimes just waiting to sleep. being anti-social, as usual. not the best thing i could do, but it wasn't like i cared at the time... move into a room that's not mine, and yet it is. white walls, new carpet, new desk and bed and dresser, and yet it feels like i'm in some hotel. nothing on the walls, no pictures, no posters, because sometimes i feel like i can't get attached. and yet...

spent that whole weekend thinking. about the past, about where i was then, about where i wanted to go, if i even wanted to get there. if i even had a there in mind. between feeling totally hopeless and completely independent, knowing that i can finally do what i want yet i can't ever do what i want... it just throws you for a loop sometimes. it was the past repeating, but i had a few years to look back on the last time and see what went wrong, if anything went wrong. and i thought that i couldn't go through it again. it's such a contradiction, and yet i keep going. i kept going. things will be better, things will be better, if only for a moment, one blue moment, everything's worth it. and so i get up at 7am and take my shower, wash off the day before and all the feelings that cloud the day, the shadow that clings on me. walk to breakfast, walk to class. listen to one awesome woman in the midst of so many bland stupid men (minus tom, but actors can never be bland). get really excited and then proceed to go through the motions, putting in time. internet and meals and internet and sleep. lather rinse repeat. meet new friends, connect with old ones. half hugs and laughs and going to ihop at 2am. new inside jokes and no one knows who i am... i could be anyone... they don't know where i've been... and it can be kind of refreshing. and at the same time i'm thinking i would be with my friends right now, laughing and joking and the only thing that's different is that they know me. love. friends for social things vs friends i can always count on. then class and class and i should do homework but i won't, i don't care if i fail but i want a 4.0. if i never go anywhere i don't have to spend money for gas, if i eat at the taos i won't spend money on food, more money means more choices for the possible future. books and notebooks and dropping an easy class. waking up to an awesome sounding song on the other side of the wall. emails and talking and being scared and lonely and happy and optimistic and out of it. reading a play and getting so fucked up that i wanted to si after three months free and days of not even thinking about it. waiting it out and waiting it out because i need to, i have to, i want to. another day waking up at 12:30pm and not getting out of bed until 2:30. getting out of old mindsets and opening up to the world. take it in a day at a time and just feel good. it'll come back, that feeling of before, but now is good. starting routine over again and being better, going to tae kwon do (whoda thought) and writing two programs that actually work. easing into the night and laughing with new friends and homework and writing...

the sun is nice. warm. feels so good when i just sit in the sunlight... i'm getting back my emotions, finally. at least i think i am... i must be. my moods are starting to jump back and forth again. i'm getting through though, because i need to, have to, want to. i'm not exactly where i want to be, physically, geographically, and emotionally, but right now i'm feeling ok. getting through a week at a time, the same strategy i used in seventh grade. it works.

things are different. things are weird. things are scary. but i'm going to be here for a while... and maybe more than just a while.

and now i'm ok. make it last. fill every moment with this... peace.

i'm ok...

machinal

and it's never the same, is it? never the same as the time before, everything's just a little different, just a little different as to throw you off, off the edge and then who knows where you'll go, what'll happen... quien sabe... and it's true like the pressing of bodies and the noise and the people, everything's so scattered and misplaced, head swimming like you're drunk when you never even do that sort of thing, for that very reason, and i can't find a bible because i left them all two years ago, all five of them and not one to be found. a bible. people just don't understand. how could they understand? i don't even understand. twelve days and what brings it out? a play. a fucking play. and i cried for understanding, for thinking the same way and wanting to be free just the same... the routines and the monotone voices and the zip zip zipping of everything across your mind... my mind... sometimes it just won't shut up... and no one has a bible... there's a whistling outside my window. it makes everything seem unreal. and i'm dissociating. i gave all my razor blades... stupid girl. i can never stop this. over and over and over and everything just repeats itself. time just repeats itself. and i want to get out but i never can, never can just get out. damn my rules. and no one needs this. god knows i don't need this. god knows. psalm 139 was always my favorite, at least til the end. i can't find the other. it comes and goes... this wave of being. comes and goes. it goes. murder. nothing makes sense. does it ever? love. love makes sense until life gets in the way. too tired to argue with it. it all comes around again. a big circle. that's what time ever is, a great big circle. the same things happen over and over and over. i can't fathom eternity. there is no eternity. there is no future. there was never any future. the present. millions of possible presents. millions of presents. no future. god why don't they just shut up. no one's happy. everyone's happy. what is happy? feeling like you could die... no, that's contentment. death. is this what death is like? i never found out. but it felt so good, it must be. if fire engulfed everything... fire... haven't tried that before oddly... so easy. but everything's so hard. i love the cello... and this song... could have been easier on you, couldn't change though i wanted to. everything's so bright here... and i could just sit in the darkness and watch the moon forever. full moon. i'm tired. i'm... wrong. wrong about so many things. i scare him too much. wrong. i was getting through until last night. and now... i should just let go. let go.

let. go.

'cause you're always running out

oh, oh, oh, the dilemma.

i really like one class. in fact, it's the only class that i actually like. this class is sociology 101.

i really hate one class. i dare say that i hate it more than my uterus, which is a lot. this class is university 150.

i've toyed around with the idea of double majoring. computer science, and physics.

and the result of all this is:

i went to see an advisor to drop univ 150, and mentioned that i would like to see if i could double major and what physics classes if any i could take. she says "go to the physics dept and talk to them". i go, and the next thing i know i'm filling out drop/add slips. no talking about why i want to take physics, or if i can handle it. but there's no phys 213 on mwf, so the only time i can take it is tr at 8:55am. this happens to be the same time as my soc class. to take physics, which the advisor is assuming i'm going to do, i must drop the only class i like, pick up a lab on friday at 12:30, and pick up a history class (east asia since 1600) on mwf right after my cs class.

i have all the slips filled out to do this. but i don't know if i want to do this.

all i know is that i'm dropping univ 150. when i do this, i'll have one class on wednesdays and 12 hours. i need more hours than that, i can't deal with that much free time.

i don't know what to do.

i wanted to start taking physics next semester. i figured that i would be used to everything by second semester, and maybe i'd be able to handle physics better then. i took physics last year, a high school physics class, and barely survived (and that was with daivd explaining things). i already have about the same load as last year (cs and calc being the equivalent of phys and calc). if i get physics, i don't know if i'll just be screwing myself over.

and i really, really, really like sociology. briefly considered majoring in that instead... if i transfer. i didn't even touch that issue with the first advisor. people really don't like to help you around here.

this is a time-sensitive issue. i have to do this today by 3:30 at the latest.

maybe i'm trying to ask for advice on what to do. but i already know the answer i'll get. maybe i just want someone to validate what i want so i won't feel like such a failure when i do it.

i know no one's on. i was just hoping...

bah.

[edit] time more than up... interesting turn of events... [/edit]

send me all your vampires

all i remember is me being so nervous about seeing you again. thinking what would you do, what would happen... i dressed all in black and felt good, good because i knew that you think i'm beautiful, knew that if i felt good i would feel beautiful. and i set off for a night that i knew i'd never want to end.

letting you drive, walking with you, talking, looking at you smiling... it all felt so right. it felt lilke we'd been together for longer than a couple of months, and i felt safe again. safe and sane. driving to the sanctuary in the mountainside, finally relaxing and letting stress go, being at peace in your arms. but underneath it all was always this sadness. sitting in the car after getting back to the parking lot, resting my head on your shoulder because i knew if i looked at you i would start crying. holding your hand and your shoulder, not realizing how fast the minutes ticked by. but nights have to come to an end, and i watched you linger at your car door and i wanted so desperately to fall inside your arms and keep you, but instead i just got in my car and put in the cd and tried not to watch you pull away but i saw you as you waved goodbye and all i could do was just press my hand against the window. driving back home crying, trying to sing along to music with lyrics that were spot on, trying to not forget the way you looked at me when we were both leaving. getting in bed and crying softly, and in the middle of the night waking up and thinking i was in your bed, safe and perfect, wanting you to put your arm around me and calm me down and say that you love me.

but you weren't there.

and i never thought this would ever happen. even in the beginning, i tried to tell myself it was only a summer thing. but then i couldn't wait to hear you, to see you. it all just... happened. what was it... i wasn't expecting you? but everything fit right into place and everything felt so right. and you helped me so much, so much, even if you didn't realize it. you made me feel that i was alive again, alive and happy. i couldn't remember the last time i was truly happy, but with you i was. blue moments. just the little things, the little looks, feeling your hand on my hand, arms around shoulders and waists and tiptoeing to kiss you... finally seeing eyes and the way they twinkle and shine, sharing warmth and coldness and chapstick, subliminal messages and a promise that i never want to break with you, sudden "i love you"s and knowing that it's not just a passing phrase, late night movies and some people just don't understand, don't understand, sharing beliefs and beds and changing my view of myself, losing a piercing and wanting to be washed clean, being healthy for you, and love and love and love...

i always saw you as an amazing person, this best friend of best friends. so beyond what i was used to. so truthful. so real. so... right. and now it's hard to see myself without you, this entity once dubbed "b-stine". and i kept thinking why does life have to get in the way... it never felt like anything else existed when i was with you. and i say i want you to go out and live life, have a good time and meet people, other girls, when really i want you all to myself. i want to be selfish. throw logic out the window.

now if only i could either turn back or speed up time.

i love you babe. i love you infinity plus two, and i'll love you forever. thank you for everything.

the plans i make still have you in them

i just had half a post written down, and safari ate it.

i don't have energy for this anymore.

i can't do this for very long. i'm back to where i was six years ago. worse? right now, where i am right now, yes. last time i was being torn down from a full person, and now i'm already broken. last time, last time. i hate saying that. "back, before i became this". back when life was set and i didn't have these thoughts or feelings, i had regular feelings where i was normally happy normally sad cried when i was hurt or yelled at and that's all, when i was healthy and active and laughed and created and created and created, when i could stand up for myself and wanted to learn everything ever in the world, when i had three best friends and i made friends because everyone knew everyone and everyone's family, and santa fe was a once a month trip that i sometimes got to go on. before when school was free even though i didn't learn anything except how to write cursive and my multiplication tables.

it's all before. then, then, now.

only one person was truly honest to me about college. it's miserable. it's school, you have to start all over, have to pay for everything, and it affects the rest of your life. i'd like to give all those adults who keep telling me "it's different" a piece of my mind.

and i realize i'm a stupid crying little girl for writing this, but if i don't write these things they'll add up and it'll get that much harder for the little number on the left to keep growing.

i don't want this to become another "before". i don't want to cry myself to sleep every night for an entire school year again. i don't want to be so close to the edge that i can feel the razor blade against my wrist and taste the words i'm sorry off my tongue. and i can't stop taking care of myself. no anxiety attacks or not being able to enter a crowded room. no noise in my head that makes me want to scream except i can't. no anger, no anger. and i can't stop writing about this 'cause then i'll just crawl under the covers and stay in my bed all day long.

i had a path to all this, i did. things just get scattered the second time around.

and on

just view it as multiple three-week stretches.

it can't be this hard again.

not again.

those little things

i've spent who knows how long looking through si message boards. they don't help, and i can't even find one that seems like it could...

god why can't i ever talk about this

because no one would care

recent deterrants: driving really fast and slightly reckless, stereo blasting, crying harder than i ever have before

scared me bad

but i still wanted to

still want to

2 months, 23 days

had the urge almost every day

give it a week

i'm too tired not to do it anymore

physics is all in the mind

focus and focus and nothing exists in the world except for what you want. ten billion possible things floating around all at once and all i want to do is look into your eyes again, because i can, because i can finally look into someone's eyes and not shy away, not feel scared or not good enough, the eyes with the green on the edges in a starburst slide into light brown and glimmer even when i know they're looking right back into my eyes. lost in something i never could look at before. i wonder how much i've missed, missed eyes. i don't know, but i don't want to miss them anymore. catch a look and save it for me, save it right there in a picture, save that world so i can go back in my memory and conjure up that reality again. nothing really exists when you think about it, nothing except for us and our thoughts, memories, our ability to change anything and nothing at all. we exist because we say so. create anything you want. maybe that's what epiphanies are. get lost in a forever in a moment, time doesn't even exist.

it all makes so much sense. i understand it, more than people would think.

i've had so many blue moments this summer i can't even count them anymore.

keep it forever.

forever in a moment.

some things are never real

as much as time passes, as much as you're present in the moment, some things just never seem like they should be happening. people let go or grab onto certain things, doing what isn't natural, because why? life happens, and everyone, at one point or another, gets fucked by it.

i'm not ready. but i'd rather go somewhere else and disappear than stay here any longer.

everyone's got their tattoos and piercings. and i just feel like i'm stuck in limbo.

scrap everything, start a new life. it's been done before.

... funny, i finally find a place i could stay and i have to leave that world behind ...

figures.

fall to pieces

weeks and weeks and weeks, days pass by and all of a sudden you realize that things are never going to be the way they were. you spend too much time thinking and opportunities pass, the things that you really want pass.

how ironic.

everything is new and old at the same time. i've been spending my time thinking of the next year and a way to get out of this place forever, seeing as how i feel so much... worse... when i'm in this house. but of course i'm just setting myself up for disappointment yet again.

why don't i just stick to my almost-rules. so far, in the past six years, i've created three (or two, considering which way you look at it) rules. and i've stuck to them, no matter how hard they've been at times. i have to set up base guidelines for myself, or else i wouldn't be here. one, two, three done. four... now that's the near breaking point. the possible four was set up so that i wouldn't have to break one through three. it's ok more than not now, but i don't know what's going to happen in the next months. it's just this thing hovering over me, and it'll never go away, not really. i can't be around you forever. and when i can't drink, when i can't take drugs, when i can't entertain the idea of killing myself, and i can't even cut to get rid of everything, what then? when no one's around for the backup-backup, what then? ... if i can't abuse myself... would i get someone to do it for me... i was edging on that as a backup-backup before. if i couldn't take control over me like i used to, i would let someone else do it. "use me, abuse me, do anything you like".

why do i have to go there. but i do. some things will always seem too good to be true. i've analyzed myself before, over-analyzed. i know why i do what i do. i know that i shouldn't. i know i have irrational thoughts, but sometime irrational thoughts are the most rational ones. i'm aware of all these things, but it's like learning how to live all over again.

the past few days have had the two extremes right after each other, every day. maybe that kind of confusion is what's getting me down. that, and everything else.

i'm not scared, i just don't want to let anyone down.

the way you look tonight

i had forgotten how easily i could switch moods, going from indifferent to angry and frustrated to elated back to that familiar empty moments feeling. and all about things that aren't. i always wondered and enjoyed how i could conjure up emotions from fictional situations, and share feelings that people around me are experiencing. i've always been more for empathy than sympathy.

and the same kind of wonder. i drove home more reckless than usual, knowing that i wouldn't be able to do what i want, spend every moment possible with the people i love before everyone laves... i drove home and i created this fictional situation in my mind of one year later, when people get back from their new lives. a situation where i was broken, so i could feel how it was and be ready for it. because i haven't done that in two months. because ever since getting out of the "high school life" i've been hopeful. optimistic. thinking that i can survive, i can be successful, i can live my life on my own terms and be happy.

but why. i feel like i'm straddling two worlds, one that is everything i've ever hoped for in life, and the other everything i've been used to and have always thought my life would be like. and i've been saying that i'm not scared. not anxious. i think i believe it. but i know a part of me is still scared out of my mind and doesn't want to believe that things are getting better. that things can get better. it's a gradual thing, but i'm a lot farther along then i ever dreamed i would be.

and why is it that every time i walk into fallen angel i feel this complete sense of calm and security? and i love that feeling, of knowing what i'm talking about and actually being enthusiastic about this knowledge, not like some stupid thing i put all my energy into in school.

i had a moment of hesitance after i got home. thinking "am i sure?". is anyone ever sure about anything except love? i have the same reasons, and the same desire. but...

i have this dual picture in my head. a healthy, natural version, enjoying life and the light and everything pure, in the light sense. and the a dark, pierced, tattooed person who knows exactly who and where she is, exactly what she believes, and exactly where she's going. one soft, one sharp. one light, one dark. one optimistic, one pessimistic. and at times, they're both equally appealing. both equally me. and yet thinking about both at the same time thoroughly confuses me.

it's been two months.

it would have been two months for my hood piercing too, if i hadn't've neglected checking the secureness of the ball. sometimes i miss it, sometimes i don't. it's something i'll have to consider sooner or later i'm sure.

everything has to happen sooner or later.

i believe you now. everything that you always said, everything that i so desperately wanted to believe at the time, but just thought that nothing decent would ever happen to me. i believe you. and i'm sorry for all of the energy you might've felt you wasted on me at the time, and i thank you for never giving up on me. i've never said how much that helped me through the years, how much it meant to me. how much you did for me by just opening the door. and if there's anything i could ever do to help you...

i should talk to you about these things.

sometimes you don't see things until you look at yourself in the mirror.

a face in your dreams

sometimes things go where you never thought they could. you try and keep a hold on them, keep in control at all times so as not to get lost, but you can't keep up with everything all the time. and it's a mixed result. you're somewhere new and exciting, and yet everyone else can't be there with you. does anyone ever really want to go back to the way things were?

for the first time in a while, i have no idea what you're thinking. and it scares me just a little that i'm not worried about you, about how you are and how you'll be. everyone will go on and be just fine. and if not, well, what can you do.

i wrote an almost complete post yesterday. the problem with not posting it after it's written is that you look back on it later, and since you're not the same person you were yesterday, you don't see what you wrote in the same light. it's all just a little bit tainted. but i haven't deleted it, i don't delete posts or change the date on them, but i don't know if i can put it out there. it's just not... complete.

whoever said being yourself would be easy.

everything falls away

sometimes i wonder why i do any of this. seeing negative reactions from people, and oddly against everything i usually am i ignore them. there are certain things that i won't let other people touch in my life, won't let them corrupt or take away from me. power over the one thing that i have.

the moment i concede to someone else's wants of me, let them take away the only thing that's mine, is the moment that i cease to be.

and for as much as i feel that i'm over the one part of my life, i realize that i will never really be over it. i refrain now because why, because for once i'm bordering on ok. because i don't want to let other people down. and that's still the old mindset, doing things for other people instead of for me.

i stopped wearing safety pins as a bracelet. i stopped wearing my necklaces with the safety pin on it. i haven't needed it as a deterrant from cutting since school ended, but i still find myself thinking "do that again" when something accidentally scratches my skin.

and now instead of 9 piercings i'm back to 8. my own stupid fault probably, and it hadn't even been a full 2 months. i didn't miss it when it happened, but now... it's like i'm missing something that became a part of me. and sure, it didn't do much for me in the "functional" side, but i still liked being more... me. more in control of me.

and now it's july 17th, two weeks after the 3rd, a year and two weeks after i got my helix piercings, and about a year and three months after i first thought of my tattoo. and i still don't have it. what's the excuse now? i need the money for school. and really, when i think of what i need, money for school doesn't come before the tattoo.

i've already been told that i should transfer and go somewhere else. told by another person that i could go somewhere else. and i get the same look from the majority of other people... "she could've gone anywhere she wanted, why is she wasting her life at an in-state school?". but really, i didn't want to go anywhere. you can't go back and say "well i should've done this", because that would never happen. i never really dreamed of what i would be when i grew up, i never planned my wedding, i never thought of how my children would be, i never thought of college or high school. i never planned for anything to happen, so i never lived my life like it would. i never thought that i'd have to get past wanting to kill myself. i never thought that i would find writing, lose it, find it... i never thought that people would actually listen to me. i never thought that i'd ever be in a relationship that wasn't purely for instant gratification.

and yet...

life drifting by and we're back at the ending of the beginning

how many days do i have? i mean really, in everything you do, how much time. walking around in a haze and not enjoying the day. the feeling of warm sun on skin or a cool breeze. the way things look, a sunset, the moon, the mountains, little things, people, yourself. feeling the air rushing into your lungs and all of a sudden it hits you that the whole world is alive, that you're alive. sometimes we forget that we're alive. we get stuck in routines and jobs and unhealthy relationships and houses and cities that just suffocate us, and we forget about everything.

and it shouldn't be like that. we shouldn't have to do things we don't want to, be places that make us die inside. we should be able to wake up in the morning and take a deep breath and stretch out under the covers and just take our time. get out of bed because life is brilliant and awesome and we want to feel and see everything possible. every second should be an experience that we want to remember in one form or another. and think about it. how often does that happen? almost never. i can't remember waking up and wanting to be present with the day. things change, but they don't change enough to shake me out of this... fog. i have to make things change, but i always get intimidated by life. standing up for myself always creates these ripples, and somehow they always touch people i never wanted to include. somehow i'm convinced that if i'm really myself and speak my mind, do what i really want and go where i really want, it'll create this big hole, and a majority of people will disappear. but if people are really that critical, why would i want to associate with them? just because they don't understand and refuse to? it gets to a limit where i stop being understanding about them not being able to handle it.

life is what you make it, when you realize what it is. life? what is this thing except self-discovery and experiencing relationships and learning and feeling all we can and striving to make things better? what is this thing when you don't want to deal with it anymore, want everything to just stop? what is this thing that makes us take a look back and doubt everything we've come to believe? it hits you when you're least expecting it. driving home late at night. noticing something you've passed hundreds of times before. not feeling one damn thing, feeling everything as if it was amplified a hundred fold. laughing for no reason except that something deep inside you was so content and overjoyed that you had to laugh. something that's just on the edge of your memory that you can't get back no matter how hard you try.

and what happens when we do finally wake up? regret or joy? would we take life in our hands and make the most of it, making opportunities for ourselves and being who we really want to be, who we really are, without hesitation or fear. not everything has to be a means to an end. you could do everything that you feel and believe, if everyone else just let you.

i've been conveniently somewhere else for a while, mentally, physically, emotionally. letting others push me and set me on the paths that i've taken in life. what do i have to show for it? more than i could've imagined, in more ways than one. i've always thought too much over the years, over-analyzed everything. took every decision and jumped forward ten steps into the future before i ever made the decision, saw everything that could go wrong and in my mind would go wrong, and so i never did what i wanted. i've been letting other people live my life for me. i've done it for such a long time that it's hard stopping it now, even as much as i want to.

and i'm still here, as much as i predicted i wouldn't be years ago. and i'm glad. i have four people that i truly love, and that would be worth the world. it would be worth lifetimes over, just to be able to love. and i want to be able to spend every second in a state of contentment. i want to always feel safe, and know that no matter what life is worth something.

some people don't know that.

they lock you in a room and throw away the room

i can't really remember what i was intending to write about tonight. probably something to get white space filled in. to speed up the time until i can be somewhere else, being productive. but this is just as productive as anything else, even if i'm not being paid for it.

i've been wanting to buy the crow for a while now. the full moon's on friday, and i fully intend on spending some time just watching it. it's something that i haven't gotten the chance to do in a very long time, and like he said, i don't know how many times i'll get to see it again.

Because we do not know when we are going to die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well and yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number really. How many times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood? An afternoon that is so deeply a part of your being that you cannot conceive of your life without it? Perhaps 4 or 5 times more. Perhaps not even that. How many times will you watch the full moon rise ...... Perhaps twenty and yet it all seems limitless. - brandon lee in his final interview

that's all i'm thinking on right now.

enjoy the rain and the full moon. and if you don't catch it this time, there's a blue moon later on.

water signs and falling under the stars

life just kicks you upside the head sometimes when you're not paying attention, you know?

life and life and that feeling that just won't go away. it's like as much as you try, that urging and failing, the stressing and pushing past everything that in essence is so inconsequential, that after everything you find that you're just the same as before, before when you weren't really aware of any of it at all. things change, people change, seconds pass and a new being stands in front of you, with the aura of a familiar soul pulsing (or dying) in the void that is a body. every singe thing is different, yet so much the same. you're a different soul and people don't even know it. most don't recognize. most never take the time to recognize. it feels so weird approaching someone and feeling a completely different aura come over you. it's scary and refreshing at the same time. knowing that you don't know them as well as you did before. and sometimes being able to get to know this person all over again, even if it is only after a span of a month.

so much happens but do we ever realize it before we realize ourselves? it's something to be connected with other people, see the change in them, and yet not see it within ourselves. it's like, a lack of being. just time passing and then waking up a lifetime later. where did everything go?

i want to think that i've changed. that things have changed. that everything's changed. that a change of living space and new friends and responsibilities that i can handle if you don't push me, a new old look and a lack of fresh scars, days filled with class and work and commuting, that everything that i've been supposed to be doing for years, that it's all changed me into that person who could maybe be the stepping stone to real life. i don't know where it goes. when i come back to a house of noise and yelling and suppressed anger, come back to a city where getting drunk is the main focus, hiding and lying and doing stupid things for stupid reasons... everything i feel i've gained just drains from me.

and can i talk about what i really think about? if i start doing that people will run away from me like i'm some disease. it's already happened once, when i said what i really thought people wouldn't touch me for weeks.

i keep talking and thinking why am i telling you this, more importantly why are you still around me even after knowing all this, hearing it directly from me? it's amazing. truly, it is. and for once i've felt like i can actually say what i'm really thinking, without hesitance or regret, without worrying if people will leave me. i guess it helps to know that people are leaving me, but even then, some things don't matter anymore.

i get these little glimpses of what life could be, what it could be but probably won't be... it's just enough to give me an awesome high and then feel horrible afterwards.

but still not enough of a swing to satisfy me.

have i gotten better? better how. i haven't cut in one month exactly. i wanted to a few times, more out of the mindset of a habit than an actual need. but then i just think of you and remember what you said, and i'm ok.

it's easier to make promises to others and stick to them. i've only ever made two promises to myself, and the past year i found myself wanting to break them, just so i wouldn't have to deal with life. but now... and yeah, i don't know what's going to happen in august. i don't know what's going to happen once my support system virtually vanishes, when there's no one to come check on me to make sure i'm still around. but at least i know people are around.

i have more responsibility now. i have to take care of myself. really, truly take care of myself. i have such a contradiction set up in my head that sometimes i don't know what i want. right now i want to rest, and be free from expectations, and be my old new self again.

welcome back to the land of the living. it's been years child, but you've made it. sit down, stay awhile.