they lock you in a room and throw away the room

i can't really remember what i was intending to write about tonight. probably something to get white space filled in. to speed up the time until i can be somewhere else, being productive. but this is just as productive as anything else, even if i'm not being paid for it.

i've been wanting to buy the crow for a while now. the full moon's on friday, and i fully intend on spending some time just watching it. it's something that i haven't gotten the chance to do in a very long time, and like he said, i don't know how many times i'll get to see it again.

Because we do not know when we are going to die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well and yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number really. How many times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood? An afternoon that is so deeply a part of your being that you cannot conceive of your life without it? Perhaps 4 or 5 times more. Perhaps not even that. How many times will you watch the full moon rise ...... Perhaps twenty and yet it all seems limitless. - brandon lee in his final interview

that's all i'm thinking on right now.

enjoy the rain and the full moon. and if you don't catch it this time, there's a blue moon later on.

water signs and falling under the stars

life just kicks you upside the head sometimes when you're not paying attention, you know?

life and life and that feeling that just won't go away. it's like as much as you try, that urging and failing, the stressing and pushing past everything that in essence is so inconsequential, that after everything you find that you're just the same as before, before when you weren't really aware of any of it at all. things change, people change, seconds pass and a new being stands in front of you, with the aura of a familiar soul pulsing (or dying) in the void that is a body. every singe thing is different, yet so much the same. you're a different soul and people don't even know it. most don't recognize. most never take the time to recognize. it feels so weird approaching someone and feeling a completely different aura come over you. it's scary and refreshing at the same time. knowing that you don't know them as well as you did before. and sometimes being able to get to know this person all over again, even if it is only after a span of a month.

so much happens but do we ever realize it before we realize ourselves? it's something to be connected with other people, see the change in them, and yet not see it within ourselves. it's like, a lack of being. just time passing and then waking up a lifetime later. where did everything go?

i want to think that i've changed. that things have changed. that everything's changed. that a change of living space and new friends and responsibilities that i can handle if you don't push me, a new old look and a lack of fresh scars, days filled with class and work and commuting, that everything that i've been supposed to be doing for years, that it's all changed me into that person who could maybe be the stepping stone to real life. i don't know where it goes. when i come back to a house of noise and yelling and suppressed anger, come back to a city where getting drunk is the main focus, hiding and lying and doing stupid things for stupid reasons... everything i feel i've gained just drains from me.

and can i talk about what i really think about? if i start doing that people will run away from me like i'm some disease. it's already happened once, when i said what i really thought people wouldn't touch me for weeks.

i keep talking and thinking why am i telling you this, more importantly why are you still around me even after knowing all this, hearing it directly from me? it's amazing. truly, it is. and for once i've felt like i can actually say what i'm really thinking, without hesitance or regret, without worrying if people will leave me. i guess it helps to know that people are leaving me, but even then, some things don't matter anymore.

i get these little glimpses of what life could be, what it could be but probably won't be... it's just enough to give me an awesome high and then feel horrible afterwards.

but still not enough of a swing to satisfy me.

have i gotten better? better how. i haven't cut in one month exactly. i wanted to a few times, more out of the mindset of a habit than an actual need. but then i just think of you and remember what you said, and i'm ok.

it's easier to make promises to others and stick to them. i've only ever made two promises to myself, and the past year i found myself wanting to break them, just so i wouldn't have to deal with life. but now... and yeah, i don't know what's going to happen in august. i don't know what's going to happen once my support system virtually vanishes, when there's no one to come check on me to make sure i'm still around. but at least i know people are around.

i have more responsibility now. i have to take care of myself. really, truly take care of myself. i have such a contradiction set up in my head that sometimes i don't know what i want. right now i want to rest, and be free from expectations, and be my old new self again.

welcome back to the land of the living. it's been years child, but you've made it. sit down, stay awhile.

insert string of bad writing here

i suddenly had an urge for stream of consciousness. hasn't happened in a while. go figure i would get a kick after reading something talking about depression and fucked up lives...

i'm ok for a while. in the midst of all the driving and walking and yearning to be somewhere that feels safe. the looks from my parents and knowing that they know something but they don't tell me... knowing i know something but i don't tell them? i leave them alone to their own business. it's not my life, not my deal. so why can't they just leave me alone? i don't like the looks and the treating me like a child. i haven't seen them practically for three weeks, and it's been good. and that's odd.

i want to keep writing, writing doesn't come often. kicking people out of computer labs and into a campus where everything closes early and no one really wants to help you with things. i'm tired i want to be back already.

i wrote two pages on sunday before i talked to you. i think i'm going to burn it now... i hate writing on paper because that makes it real, and some things i don't want to be real. i don't want to admit things and have them become real... even though they've probably been here for this whole six years.

scary thoughts, remembering back. remembering emotions and situations and thinking how far i've come, and yet how much i keep myself in the past. the past is the past is the past. i like being in the present.

cold. it's cold in the buildings. sitting here... i want to watch the stars and be alive again.

miss you.

sorry... wrong trajectory

i haven't listened to flickerstick in a forever. he sounds so good...

i'm tired and i want to be home. being away is good to make me see how much i miss. just the little things. the places. the people.

ah, the people. so much has happened. so much has changed in the past six months, did we ever see it coming? i've always felt like i'm just sitting on the sidelines watching it happen, but then i look back and see that i'm in a different place too.

i scared myself badly last night. it was one of those times when i was just letting life take me as it passed by, but then i wanted to get out of the slipstream... freaking about things i can't control. thinking that the only time i feel safe is when i'm with you people, when i'm with you, and when august rolls around... it scared me. every time i think i'm doing ok, i think about something like that again.

it's so weird when it just creeps up on me. one second i'm ok, the next i'm thinking damn why didn't i bring those blades with me. but i know why. it's because i don't want to have to do that again. i don't want it to become a habit. i've been good for three weeks (which doesn't say all that much considering it was five months before). i've got someone else to keep in mind. it's... easier now.

don't mind me. i'm just still trying to figure everything out.

cripes, i have so many things that i have to think about, but right now i'm just letting myself rest. stop freaking out for a few days.

real posts to come. i promise.

hippy dippy do

i'm just on the edge of being broke and being a functional adult. how... frustrating.

i'm home for exactly one day. saturday. as in tomorrow. the fifth of june.

i'm tired, and wired, and finantially stable...ish, and really really out of it. shit i meant to write an actual post tonight but i'm just too tired.

please, i need to see you people tomorrow.