behold my technical difficulty

so... anybody have an lcd screen they'd be willing to give me...

starry night of missed days

i have a ridiculous headache right now, and no one's around.

i have to buy books, and shoes, and more school stuff.

i have to do homework, and reading, and practice dance steps.

but mostly i need me time.

it's been such a long time since i had anything worthwhile to say here that i mainly just didn't bother saying anything at all. but i've wanted to, wanted to write and update and so much. i just don't really have the energy or desire to do much of anything most of the time. i had planned in the beginning of the summer to quit my job early so that i could code for my sites and fix css and put a whole new look to this page, along with changing it to be more information-oriented. turns out i not only worked the whole summer, but worked two more weeks than i had ever planned on. so i had no real me time at all, much less time to do computer things. ah, the irony of my major.

anyway, as i've said many times before, i hope that i'll have the time to get to this site and fix what i've wanted to for three years as well as start everything else i've wanted to start.

but right now my head hurts, my joints hurt, i'm really tired, and i still have much, much more to do before tomorrow.

but some links to tide you over. or maybe it's tide me over. whatever.

new blogs:

• wills4223
• hiphopvoterproject
• duke city fix

body mod:

• zentastic
• modblog
• needled

what did i do to deserve

well i guess i'm obligated to update now.

my brother got his ipod yesterday. that's one week from when they said he would get it. we are in the process of getting more people involved. please if you are going to do this or another free whatever from gratis sign up from someone's referral instead of just starting your own. if you want a place to start, just contact me and i'll tell you who needs referrals.

tattoo. bigger. i like, a lot of people don't. but of course they don't say it to your face it's like when i outed that i was an atheist you know people hate you but they don't want to look like intolerant assholes. i do have pictures, they're going on facebook first, then maybe here. possibly. going back august 2nd for fill-in of the sanskrit letters, then after everything's healed a last touch up of the entire thing.

having a family reunion is really, really fucking tiring.

writing at 1am does not work out well.

believe in me as i believe in you

well, my brother is getting his free ipod. no shit. seriously. and so now i can start on mine (yay!). i don't know if anyone has heard of this thing, or if anyone actually reads this, but if you want to help me out (and have a chance at getting a free ipod yourself) you can sign up under my referral here. if you call me when you sign up i'll talk you through the whole thing, but the basics of it are that you sign up for an offer that you get instant credit for, that gives you either a free trial or very small (under $5) sign up fee, and that you can cancel with no extra charges. then you call the next day (or when your freeipods account says that you have been credited) and cancel whatever you signed up for.

so far i've had bryan do the rhapsody offer ($.99 for 1 month 5 "free" downloads) and kassi did the videoprofessor offer ($3 for 5 day trial) for my brother (she was his last referral he needed for the ipod). so yeah, this really is legit, if you are wanting to help me out i can tell you all about it and/or have my brother tell you about it (he researched it fully, and is now getting his ipod).

i know i don't do endorsements like this, but i want this ipod, and you can easily get one also. the hardest thing is getting people to actually believe you.

in other news

so much for posting again. no web stuff done, i actually took some of the week as an actual vacation and had a pretty relaxing time. that and now we have a slight carport (can't be on the concrete yet and the roof isn't finished), but i got stuff downloaded onto my comp and snagged daivd's bass, so i should be good for a while. set my tattoo plans and handed them the deposit so now i just have to sit back and wait.

sometime last week i realized that i'm taking 6 classes this next semester. and i think i'll have time for things. sure. i'll be napping on saturdays as usual again, but this time i need to find a new room to sleep in since i won't be able to frequent the other one anymore.

and i don't like wearing skirts. i almost decided in my haze last night that i would never wear skirts again. now i'm just limiting it to not wearing short skirts again. it's not like i need to impress anybody.

damn i need to sleep.

friends don't let friends use IE

before i start ranting, let me just say (as i find it extremely cool) that now, apparently, you can post images without having to host them yourself! this is a huge thing for me because i remembered something about how they weren't going to have this kind of support for mac for a long, long time, if at all. but again, the google buyout of pyra has given us loads of new cool things, and the nice people there seem to actually care about their customer base (even if it is free). that said, i don't know how long we've had this feature... i'm not the most regular blogger anymore and when i do come in here i usually don't check the updates or the layout of the post page. another one of the many things i have to get into in the upcoming days.

anyway, i just had the best day i've had in a very, very long time. and as a bonus it was the best day i've had at work (of all places!). i was fortunate enough to attend a workshop/seminar given by molly holzschlag, hosted by the big entity that is my employer (honestly, these kind of things happen all the time and i only get to go to one the whole summer. you know how much their css class was? $700. and i get this one free. freaks.). anyway, i heard from some other people that it was kind of a summary of what they already knew, but for me who's really just starting to be serious about css (and the whole xhtml/xml thing), it was very, very, very helpful. it was exactly what i've been wanting to do all summer. exactly what i've been wanting to learn. and validation! i mean, huge stuff when you look at it from standards, which was the point of all this. standards are awesome. you might hate complying, but it helps so much. seriously. in anything really, standards are great to use. anyway, i get to go back tomorrow for the hands-on part of the class (hopefully some people won't show so i can actually sit at a computer and do the hands-on rather than just listening to her, which still isn't bad at all), which will no doubt be just as awesome. and tomorrow is all css.

karma. just, karma man. for as shitty as i've been feeling, being good to others really comes back to you.

now i don't know if come noon tomorrow when i go back to my usual job i won't still want to quit at the end of the week, but this definitely makes things at least a little better.

quick notes: i've been meaning to get opera for a while now to add to my browser list (to check css layouts and such, web dev stuff), and now i'll finally have to do it. if you don't [have a mac and use safari, or] use firefox, i would say check out opera. i've only heard good things about it.

must spend ridiculous amounts of time at the w3c and learn, learn, learn. also must look into bbedit, that or finally learn how to use project builder as it was intended. hell i could write all my java in textEdit for all i do with project builder right now.

ok, it's half an hour past my bedtime and a little kitten is standing on my bed next to me, waiting for me to get off the computer. hopefully more tomorrow!

little one

got tiger on wednesday, installed thursday, played bejeweled all night friday. spent all of saturday cleaning cars, and a good part of today doing that also.

the rest of my time has been spent playing with a little kitten who now resides in my room. she's beautiful, and the first kitten i've had in a couple years. i missed it immensely.

more of an update later this week, will be starting web stuff and adding onto the site.

fear the closed-minded

so it's time again for another (or maybe the first) update.

in work news: i forgot to say that i'm working in a pseudo microsoft base camp. all .NET, all the time. i've concluded that i like neither C languages nor visual basic, and that visually (no pun intended) i wish VB would just die. replacing brackets with END IF is just wrong on so many levels. on that note, it seems that i'm slightly learning how to program in VB. and by slightly i mean not really programming, just converting C# into VB. personally, i'm still sticking with java.

on that note for the past couple weeks i've been intending on updating my original informational website with my past couple years experience. i've needed to go through that code (and god damn is there a lot of code, just because i didn't want to use frames), put the template css into it's own file like it should be, and streamlining some of the standards there (ha. ha. ha. the sad thing is, as super organized as i like to be, i actually like standards.). that and i haven't updated the "updates" file in two years, and programmatically i've learned a lot since then. on that note maybe i'll start adding java based pages on there.

i ordered tiger (finally) the other night. should be in by wednesday, unless the freaking fedex guy can't find my house again. this means i'll finally be able to use some of my hardware and other things to their fullest potential. that and i'll be able to play bejeweled again and actually see those handy mouse-over tips that i love. i think my battery is almost to the end of its life cycle, so i may have to start actually turning my comp off every day instead of sleeping it. but tiger does have a greatly improved loading time, so maybe it won't be that much of an issue anymore. i still feel gypped about the whole not really new thing with my computer, would have much rather payed $100 more to get it new from sacramento than already in cruces for 9+ months before we bought it. and that it didn't have panther on it. ugh. all soon to be remedied.

speaking of mac software, i've found an alternative to ichat. with bryan moving to linux, he found a lot of good open source software (linux being an almost totally open source community), including gaim for his online chatting. so now i'm going to probably be downloading adium and using that for all my chatting needs. but i really like the whole speech-bubble thing with ichat...

mmm. open source. mmm.

ugh. someone PLEASE tell me to stop eating ice cream sandwiches. i swear if i wasn't borderline diabetic before, i sure as hell will be soon.

i'm not one for a 40 hour work week, but here i am doing it all summer. due to this fact i'm usually really unmotivated when i get home to do anything, let alone code for my sites. but i'm exercising two days a week (maybe i'll start making it three), which is a hell of a lot more than i've been doing since i stopped playing sports four, five years ago. i have to get in major shape for my flamenco class this next semester. and it really helps with the whole endorphins making me feel like i can actually live and do things. i should probably start jogging next semester just to keep the big black cloud from taking me under so much.

so eventually i should be rehauling this page, i need to delete some blogs off the blogroll as it seems some people have dropped off the face of the earth. i have to add shannon's page (off of zentastic, not his direct iam page) since i've been reading it daily for a year or so, probably more. and he does a lot more research on headlines than i have energy to do, so that's always a plus. also i feel kind of obligated to put the infamous lanl blog link on here as well. haven't really kept up with it, i'm a student so i'm pretty much invisible over there. the tommy hook thing: personally i believe the government has him almost killed scenario, but i'm also really, really, really jaded about anything having to do with the government. that said, i now work for the government, and they pretty much know/can find out whatever the hell they want about me, including drug tests, searches, and all the other information finding things they use. scary stuff. if i didn't need a job i definitely wouldn't try to be caught up in a government facility. but enough on that.

wanting more mods in the immediate future, still have to do some convincing though... but as long as i can find a good black work artist and my back looks good, i'm planning to go through on the tattoo at the end of the summer.

we need to start following through on the whole neo-hippie lifestyle thing. and i'm not kidding about the peace corps.

ok, now it's my bedtime, must try and sleep now. more to come after tiger gets in.

pulls her hair back as she screams
i don't really want to live this life

i don't know if it's the hormones or the depression or a mix of both, my insecurities and my fears, my friends leaving... but i'm on the edge way too much lately. i was seconds away from slicing my arm up on sunday night, but he threw away my blades (after i gave them to him last summer). but that was bad, harder than most days like that. it got me thinking about p docs again, and how i really would go if it didn't cost so much. that's the thing about hospitalizations, good for the situation, bad for the wallet. but adults still scare me out of my mind. my mentor scares me just because he's older than me. i have an extremely hard time with age groups that aren't mine. i would try to get over that but i still don't think i'm smart enough or aware enough. i'm still just a stupid little girl and i can't stand up to them in that capacity. bad.

i still can't see myself living past college. i don't know if i want to or not, i can't see myself holding down a conventional job. i just find it so hard to hold together for that long of a time and feel like i'm doing something productive. i can't visualize taking care of myself, doing everything on my own, going places and talking to people by myself. living on my own, getting a place, being responsible. it hurts in a conventional life to sleep in every day, be randomly creative, take time off to just be. to live like that you need money, to have money you need a job, and to have a job you can't live like that. i don't know what i'll do.

what i do want to do is webdev. all summer, just work on cleaning up my html, integrating more css, learning flash and javascripting, becoming familiar with webhosting and server load. just everything. all i've been doing at work is googling sql server stuff and c# stuff and while i understand that sql server is a very useful application, i just can't get behind coding in c languages. i'm java minded now, i can't handle things that don't have brackets. but i want to do website coding so badly right now, and i know that staying at my job will kill any desire and energy i have towards this learning project. all i want to do when i get home is tune out and snuggle (usually both of which i can't do). and no one could understand that because you're expected to have a full time job that you go to every day for the entire summer, to get money that you'll never use because it'll be put in a savings account forever. but if i'm choosing to live, i want to actually live my way.

it doesn't help that i want a back piece done the end of this summer and a few more piercings too. good work costs money, good jewelry costs money, school costs money, gas, food, fun... you can only live a green life so much, but even then you need something to start out with. why can't i just become a hippie and leave this all behind. maybe i will end up joining the peace corps just because it's something to do that isn't an 8 to 5 job.

sometimes i feel that this is the only place i can really rest, other times i'm certain that it contributes to all the crap running around in my head. home is a safe place... but what if it made you like this in the first place. i don't know if i can stay in your house anymore after sunday night, that was too hard, too much for me. you ask too much when i'm in the wrong state of mind, and i'll always regret anything i say in states like that. but i don't want you ever to hurt, and i don't want to hurt you, even though that's becoming harder the more i go on like this.

and do you have any idea how much i miss you? the french boy is leaving in less than two days. he was like you when you weren't there, a friend, someone who listens, someone who cares. and now everyone's gone and didn't you know how much you meant to me? we've always tiptoed around the big issue, but i don't think i can do that anymore. i love you, you know i love you, but i can't do this on my own. four best friends has almost shrunk down to one, and so help me if i lose him. but you... you were always different. now what?

no one reads this anymore. maybe that's a good thing. i've almost lost all sight of what i once thought i could be. everyone's struggling, but the thing is that the struggle never ends, just changes. it seems like we're all breaking apart, the ones who broke sooner are getting better (or are better) and maybe that really was good. maybe everyone needs a suicide attempt now and then to get things in perspective. to get help. old problems come up with new people, more people on medication and more people doing crazy things. it doesn't worry me, just sometimes i think it's sad. decisions are always around, but they never matter until you make them.

and don't even get me started on the sex thing. that just makes me even more depressed.

i think maybe i need to sleep. more non-work tomorrow, saying goodbyes, writing letters. maybe i'll start cutting again, who knows. but i won't let them run my life again. i hope.

what do i have to be to make you stay

i think i broke last night.

old memories come haunting me like truths that i keep trying to run away from. streams of tears cloud my vision and i think i'm in some dream state. not really there... this isn't really happening. and it's like i'm swimming in some body, disconnected from everything around me. but i have to make everything right, even if i'm exhausted, even if i'm miserable, even if i hate myself for what i do. i'm not worth making demands. i can't say listen to me, be with me for once. i can't make myself be happy. i don't know how to be... ok with being somewhere i don't want to be. i'm too confused again.

will you please just stay with me...

peather fillow

torki tiches

life out of the corner of your eye

sometime during the early evening the realization hit me: it has been one year since i graduated. for the first time in my life, i can remember almost the exact events that happened a year ago (all the way from may 1st to when i left for state in august). i can remember what i did every single day of this week a year ago too: sunday was daivd and kyle's graduation party, i drove for pretty much the first time in my civic, and stalled pretty much every time that i had to try and get started from first gear. monday i had to put together some kind of speech for senior awards that night, ended up writing an intro paragraph and then getting my brother to write what i figured i was trying to say. tuesday graduation, after graduation dinner, and then the after afterness in where no one called me about parties/get togethers after i specifically asked them to (but in all honesty it worked out for the best...). wednesday i attempted to dye irena's hair red, thursday go into santa and find a party going on at kat's, get thoroughly depressed, have an episode, and cut for the second to last time ever (to date that is). friday go into town shop for shorts/skirts, meet up with irena, go get my hood pierced (and she her nose), paula and samantha's graduation party, more party at kat's house, spend the night with alex. saturday get my computer (wonderful).

i have never, ever been able to remember a time as well as now.

big things. big, big things happening before and after graduation. i was thinking today, while driving home from work (it's that time again boys and girls, the dreaded 40 hour work week), that i was more afraid last year at this time that i am now. and then i had to promptly correct myself because i was actually not very afraid at all a year ago. school had just ended, i had almost no responsibilities anymore (except work), and i was getting into a relationship. i had almost nothing to lose. and now... it's not that i have a great deal to lose, it's that i have almost nothing to gain if things go wrong.

bah.

finished the semester. didn't have any time to rest and unwind, back into work and remembering after two days how much i dislike being in los alamos, hoping that by the end of this week i won't be only wanting to work there part time (or not at all). i haven't seen my best friends in forever, and i don't know if i ever will. but i still have my love, and i still have at least a glimmer of hope for the upcoming present.

i don't know if i understand what i'm thinking...

bare walls

i don't know why i'm back on here except that i felt some need to type. long day of sleeping, and i'm still tired. and i know why i slept and why i still need to sleep, but i still feel like such a failure to even get out of bed and do anything today. eleven whole hours to study and program, and i don't think i'll do much of anything for more than an hour, if that. it feels like another of those bad weeks where i just don't care and my grades take a plunge because of it. i keep on reminding myself that if i'm happy then grades don't matter at all. if i was 4.0 and miserable it wouldn't even be worth it because i'd be so messed up nothing would matter. the trade off sucks, considering my past, but it's something that i have to live with now. i am not going to obsess over something that in the end won't really matter. can't even obsess over money anymore since can't get any scholarships, just have to keep up a 2.5 overall, and if i can't even do that then something bigger is wrong.

i'm in a huge cuddly stage and am being very unfulfilled in that area. which is more than reasonable since i feel like cuddling every moment of the day now. i saw american beauty for the first time last night and cried. my blood tests came back. they say i'm fine. i officially give up on doctors... which is sad because now that means that everything really is in my head. i have this primal urge to refuse to go to a therapist/psychiatrist. it's not even a question in my head, just someone says go and my mind spits out "no". i just don't want to get burned again by doctors who don't understand me. i don't want to be put on medication that will kill the few highs that i get. but i think most of my relationships are hinging on this whole me going thing. aren't breakdowns the kind of thing you're supposed to get out of your system when you're still in highschool? it's a year later and i still feel the same, except maybe less energetic with the highs. and i never burn anything anymore. it's been such a long time... so much to burn but it's like the fire has mellowed out with me. i want to go back to berkeley and walk through the eucalyptus forest and lay on the grass and hang out on telegraph. and then i want to ride in cars with my friends in santa fe for the entire day, hang out and eat and watch movies and just be us again. and i keep saving money for some silly reason even though i still don't see myself living past college. and i want to make things. and read books. and i want to visit las cruces even though every time i think about it it makes me cry. i don't want a roommate next semester (who can handle me?). i want to be able to stay me even if that means sleeping all day. six months in eight days. i did it only twice in all of last year. more out of guilt than strength. but i guess that's still good, it's what everyone wanted.

things are... different.

end of an era

cory left the band almost a month ago. i didn't find out until just now when i finally went to the site to check it out for the month. cory left and i didn't even know.

they have more kids, not that that's necessarily something i should be keeping up with in the first place. but a lot's happened in the five years since i first stumbled upon them. families and growing up always seems to kill rock bands.

but they're not dead, wanting to record this summer (yeah, like we haven't heard that one before).

brandin, rex, fletcher. three left.

i never even got to see all of them play live.

i haven't listened to tarantula a fraction of the times i listened to whta. but i still have all 5 cds.

this is just weird. when flickerstick is gone, who will come after to fill the void?

(brandin, i still maintain that your voice sounds like an angel's in the right moments)

that is all. back to programming.

made my day

you just made me ecstatic.

yeah.

sometimes the inevitable happens

eh. just... eh.

you know, there's so many things that i wouldn't have changed in that school. things that i liked, that i wanted, structure and security, knowing everyone in your class (and in turn most of the school). but the things that are wrong throughout the years have just overshadowed all the good. immensely.

i wish i could be around all the happenings there now, just to take it all in and see how people are truly reacting to it. whether it's out of selfishness, cover-my-assness, or people really taking it to heart. i guess i am pessimistic, or just really realistic in this day and age, but 9 out of 10 says that no one had any idea what she was thinking, and now they're making it about them.

and maybe i am a bad person when the first thing that comes to my head after hearing it was "good for you". maybe i'm a sick, horrible person, but part of me really holds on to that she did what she wanted, she ultimately had the control. the other me, knowing what i know now, still standing on the threshold of what i should be going through but refuse, thinks that maybe if someone could've understood her, maybe she would want help and get it, and be better for it. but ultimately, it is your own choice. i still maintain that your body is the only thing you really have, the only thing you have true control over. do what you want with it. (i also maintain that suicide is the most powerful act you could ever commit. i know some (most) people would say that i shouldn't respect someone because of that, but i do, and i suppose i always will.)

but the thing that's been throwing me off is that for every person who actually succeeds, there's at least a handful (or more) people at that school who haven't been successful. and they do nothing about it. there isn't really any safe area kids can go to, no counselors that actually give a shit (except for sunseri, but only seniors are allowed to see her, so what about everyone else?), no one people can truly talk to without the threat of extra adult and parental intervention. what about all the kids that are pushed into the shadows because of what they tried to do? i don't know, there's just so much that's still very wrong with this picture.

how do people know. people never know unless they take the time to care, and even then you only know as much as the person wants you to know. before senior year i only told my 2 best friends of my suicidal... tendencies... and that's because they were the only people i felt truly cared about me. after i turned 18 i didn't really care what happened, i wasn't scared of adult intervention anymore, so i became open with what i'd been struggling with all of high school. then shit went down and (because of where i was at the time, and where i figured i was headed) i shut up, because my suspicions at the time proved to be correct... on a base level, they were just covering their asses. but the bottom line was this: i had been depressed the entire time i was at that school. i had seriously seriously considered killing myself a handful of times (as i'm sure a lot of other people had/have), and no one ever noticed, at least not enough to ask me about it. they were all busy keeping their eye on the "stoners" and people with bad grades, people who tried to fuck with the dress code, people who they thought were delinquents. and, while i think that some people who act out are doing it for different motives (that need to be watched/looked into), i truly believe that they were focusing on the wrong people.

i didn't know her. i'll say that right now. i never took the time to really talk to her outside of drama things. i was the old drama bitch by the time she came around, and she (as well as most of the other new girls) made that clear to me. maybe if my role had been different in the context that we were all in then maybe i'd have gotten to know her better. maybe if people really could wear their lives on their skin she would've talked to me. but that's all what-if's, and it gets us nowhere. in all truth i was more worried about her sister and a handful of other girls in the club than i was about her. if i had more than a few months? maybe. and then again maybe not. who knows what happens when you look back on it with the eyes of death.

my mother called and told me that she loved me. i still find that ridiculously funny.

and to the point? it's sad that the people around her have to have this jolt in their lives. it's sad that they didn't see it coming, in whatever little sense anyone could've. it's sad that it takes this for some people to rethink things, and it's sad that this will spark a wave of suicide attempts.

but, in all, ultimately, i'm happy for her.

creo que necesito cambiar

so, yeah. things have been... hectic. my own fault really, as usual, but still. i was thinking yesterday, on my way to class, that i could just up and go to spain, maybe come back a couple years later, and somehow magically be better. and if not be better, than just more interesting. because why? i can't seem to be convinced that this traditional education and traditional carreer path will work. i keep thinking that there's something better, more creative, more on my terms, if there's anything out there at all. and now people remind me daily "you could have gone anywhere... why on earth are you here?" and when i tell them i didn't think i really had a choice, they don't understand. parts of me don't understand either, but the majority of me still knows exactly what i was talking about in the first place. and so i suppose i'll trudge along and make things work out, if only because that's what you have to do nowadays. and taking up guitar again and wanting to be creative won't fix things, just make you more restless.

who would have thought that failing would be so easy? getting stuck in a routine where you don't actually do anything but wait to sleep again. where mood swings are a daily occurrence, and now i can't even remember what bed i'm sleeping in. get sleeves and full piercings and long hair that flows freely. sandals and skirts and being warm. if i was just warm, how much better things would be. leave a hot place that makes me cry yet i get good grades and learn, to come to a place where i have a social life, but am cold and struggle through everything. it was the trade off i was willing to make at the time. it's still a good trade off, i just put on more sweaters and jackets and make myself go to class, gain new friends that will leave. tired's got nothing to do with it. i just need to be away from this all.

and doctors are the same, i don't think i'll go to get bloodwork done this week, i can't bring myself to do it just to be let down again. someone upset because they're healthy. and if i did still belive in god things would be a lot worse, i'd be even more of a failure than i already at times am. stars and peroxide. cuts like the soul. five months and i'm restless again. go figure.

maybe one day i'll get to go somewhere. my creativity will come back. right now i need to figure out a way to convince people that things will be alright, even though i know that they won't.

I am currently party to one sugar high. And by sugar high I mean more sugar than should be in one’s body at 12:50am. I thought it was a good idea, if thirsty then drink the rootbeer that you left in your friends’ fridge. I mean it’s caffeine free, so everything would be ok.

WRONG!

Lesson learned children: stick with the v8 you were originally going to have. It’s good for you, and I’m gonna bet that it won’t keep you up at midnight playing guitar in a room that has a purple fur rug that looks like a pimp jacket when one crazy French boy puts it on.

So now I’m a slacker, eh? Half of it feels really good, doing something that I really want to do in the moment like watch a movie or take a nap or some other sort of extra curricular activity that doesn’t include much activity instead of actually going to labs or doing your homework. On that note, I have officially fucked up my latest program, and my grade in that class I’m guessing, but the good thing is that I have no idea how to fix the program to make it work. Yay for confusion and bad teachers!

Sarcasm is totally lost on me when I’m in this state. And to think this was previously a very, very, very bad day.

Maybe I am diabetic. Hm…

I even did laundry. I never do laundry. Our basement looks freakishly bright and shiny due to the hideous paint job one of the ra’s did on it. Well, technically it’s d2’s part of the basement, but if there’s a basement, usually all of it is basement. Usually.

I want to be a hippie. Yes, I want to be a hippie. I could make a song out of it and play guitar and have the pasta sing and then we can all play perfect dark because n64 is teh roxors. And now that I have actually used that phrase in real life I think I will have to rewash my brain. Or maybe just my pajamas. Jammies!

It’s really quite horrible that I’m still wide awake. Maybe some late night war chalking? Ninja training? Squirrel fishing? Damn squirrels. Cold now, off to big fluffy blue blanket land where everything is cozy until the alarm radio goes off or some people come knocking on my door.
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i wrote this at 1am-ish on word because blogger wasn't letting me into my account, hence all the random capitalized words (and by random i mean things that are usually supposed to be capitalized. damn autocorrect.

can't think right now

i found my first white hair today.

finally getting use out of my curved barbell i found again last month. in other words, i can't cross my legs for another few days.

my head is going to asplode.

unreal

sometimes i think that i've fallen off the face of the earth.

back to the old way of writing, meaning that there is no writing. there hasn't been any writing for over a year now, a year proper, and days like this make me think that it will never come back again. going through these cycles, just like everything else in my life nowadays, writing about how i can't write, or writing about how low i am at the moment. and so what if neither is true?

i've always reported that i hate being this thing that no one wants to touch, and yet when i'm just ok, not good not great not fantastic, just kind of slowly walking through life being just ok, it's like a whole new sort of death. nothing desirable, nothing that gets away from anything or solves any problems, just being stuck in the same mindset and same body for days and months on end.

and i hate this even more than i hate my uterus.

but as much as there was once a time for me, that time has long passed. now instead of wondering how i will get through the day, the week, the month, i fear for everyone else's mortality, their sanity. teenagers with cancer and family in jail and death and surgeries and best friends breaking, flirting with ana and feeling what i've seen before, no one should be able to understand me, on any level. having a feeling that once you leave a room something very bad will happen, and not to you. and i wished so badly that i could have taken it all from you, taken your pain and your confusion and everything that was hurting you, kept it in me because i was the one that was tired, and it wasn't supposed to happen that once i get happy you have black days of your own. and i could see, i could feel, all of a sudden your aura was different, and it scared me that i couldn't be there to assure you of anything except the fact that i still loved you, and i would always love you, and just as i had done before every time i thought of you i sent you all of my love, hoped that it mingled in with the other one's love and kept you secure, let your mind rest for a while. but then what do i do now? love is something that will never go away, no matter the situation, no matter the consequences, it will still be there. where are the people? i don't want you to starve yourself to death because america has a fucked up view on body image. i don't want you to feel as uncertain or scared as i ever have, to the point where just seeing people is hard to do. i want you to be happy, be loved, and live your lives on your own terms. i want you to have the best emotional and physical relationships as possible. i want you to always feel loved (because you are, and always will be), as well as love others. to know that wherever you are, someone is always thinking about you.

i want you to see yourselves as the beautiful, wonderful people that i see you as.

i wish i could show your your auras, and how much they've changed over the last few months.

i wish so much for you, but right now all i can do is say i love you again, and hope that you will remember that when you need to.
. .

days go by and sometimes all i want to do is lay there and hold you while you sleep, somehow convince you of everything i've ever said. maybe things would be easier that way, if you could understand. and i want to talk to you about everything in the world, and how fucked up everything was when this started, and how i regret using you, misleading you about who i was. and i will admit that you've probably saved my life twice over, but i won't lay my soul and my being in your hands if you can't do the same with me. i cannot remember life being different than i have been in the last few years, and now i wonder if i haven't been this way my entire life. but... i can't feel your life. i can't feel your aura. and as much as that's a bunch of spiritual shit to you, it means a great deal to me. and you worry me. sometimes i look at you and you're not there. and there's something beneath that, something that i won't ever be able to touch because you won't let me. and i'm ok with that. i'm ok that i won't ever be able to see the storms and the leaves, the tears and the oceans, blood red and dark blue. i'm ok that the only sunbursts i will ever see from you will be your eyes. i will love you despite your lack of color and scent, lack of defining energy cloud. i will love you in every present, every moment that ever was or ever will be. i will love you past this life, into the time and space beyond which you say doesn't exist. i will love you, but i don't think i will ever be able to find you. and if you won't let me in, if you will let me go on searching a forever to find you, i'll have to let go. you'll have to let go. but i'll always love you.

i never got to sway with you in the perfect light.

it's all i ever wanted.

a day in the loop for today's tomorrow

words flying from fingertips like some sort of rain, just dropping dropping down until a light drizzle becomes a full on storm. anyone caught in the rain gets wet, gets cold, gets down. grey droplets rolling over skin, soaking in, spreading out. and all of a sudden you look out and realize that you're stuck in the rain, your path is obscured by a fog and a doubt. panic sets in, or just resignment? try to fight through the clouds and find sunlight, or just keep walking in the rain? and which would be better... after getting caught in the rain time after time you just get used to it, where the cold urgentness to change goes away and you're just left feeling numb. get to a dry place. warm and gentle under blue covers, soft and perfect. drift into slumber in a way that feels like love - arms wrapped around you and whispering in your ear, holding you so that you know you can never fall again, because you're in the arms of happiness. and nothing matters. not the rain pouring down outside, not the sun shining above the clouds, none of it.

and so why does any of it matter?

hold me now, i'm six feet from the edge and i'm thinkin
maybe six feet ain't so far down...

walking around, i think i'm going to run into camilo and ann and marsha and aimee and maybe my old ta... but then i look up from the ground and see that everything's so much bigger, so many more people hanging around. new routes to get to classes and having to time how long it takes to get places again. instead of going across campus in ten minutes it takes fifteen. stairs and stairs and stairs. but the people! there's people around. same classness, same apathy and bitching about profs. and i don't want to do class or work or anything involving thinking. i walked in and realized i was so far away... why try to catch up when it's all going so fast? in highschool things went fast but you had something to look forward to. now i have nothing to look forward to, and i haven't taken the time to find something to strive for. just tired again. a highschool burnout. i scare too many people again, and yet... and i retired my helix piercings on friday. i was too far down to really care anymore, i didn't figure i would last for long then. i guess i pulled out of it... i don't know how. i miss being clever and intelligent and good. i miss being able to understand things and be really enthusiastic about concepts. weird dreams, weird waking thoughts. and i need to talk to you more. need more.

and you just don't get it

and so?

what do i do with this same feeling that i always get. what do i do with a new situation and tiredness of it all. what do i do with my head and my body and my emotions. and how do i make it stop. how do i get my best friend to actually talk to me anymore and stop telling other people to stay out of it, shouldn't i be the one telling people to stay out of it? all i've ever wanted to do was just sit down and have a nice conversation with you like we used to. the good conversations. but apparently people don't want to touch me again, so be it, i've been contemplating letting go of it all for a while now. someone has to help but no one can help... not help when i walk into an empty room and there's no one in the hallways, no one outside, no one to see. same thing different place, but this time i'm right across from a hospital, and that's probably a good thing. classes and classes and class hasn't even started yet. too bad i'm so pathetic. ah well. how do you tell doctors that you hate eating and being around groups of people, hate conflict and yelling, how do you tell someone that there's no future, or that the world really is bad, and there really is nothing we can do to change it, short of killing ourselves? no one understands me to the point where they think that i'm just making it all up. where cutting is a problem only because other people say it's a problem. where the only truth that could possibly get their attention is that i do think about killing myself, every single day. but without any previous attempts or visible scars they just will say you're too stressed, go out and get drunk have fun. doctors who really don't give a shit that you've been hormonally unbalanced since they took out your fucking ovary, that everything that happens is all because of your fucked up body. no, no, get out, get some exercise, stop dwelling on it and you'll magically feel better, because we have no idea what we did to you when you were a baby... no idea how it affected you. i just keep hoping that one day i'll have to have a histerectomy.

a mirror reflecting an empty room, a broken person. what is pleasure? what is safety? what is happiness? red lines in skin, like red silk flowing by.

and no one even knows.

is anyone ever really there

so everyone's doing end of the year recaps. if i had been around more physically and mentally in the last week i would've posted more, and posted on this sooner, but as it is i'm just trying to keep myself together. again.

january february march. isn't it all the same? same doubts and fears, but a desire to let everything go and just practice instant gratification and self indulgence. i remember being optimistic, the most optimistic i think i've been in my entire life. and things were good, for a while. ups and downs and ups and downs and a lingering in the back of my mind (which still won't go away).

march/april. the split-second of determined writing, the infamous story, and then the world broke. it was so liberating to write it, not so much to tell people, but to be connected with it without actually physically recreating the act, to write. teacher and counselor involvement, my hatred and fear and confusion being played upon. she saw something that i had convinced myself wasn't there, and opened up a whole new realm of doubt for me.

april/may. after the extreme week of happiness a bit after the incident, i steadily came back down, and continued to go deeper and deeper until i finally crashed the thursday after graduation. a much hated prom that i didn't want to go to, but again did so for other people (who barely talked to me the entire night). so, that night, i just shut down. didn't care. stayed in that state until when... july?

we shant talk about june. or july. no one knew where i was anyway, so it wouldn't matter.

august full of parties and 2am stops to ihop, convincing drunk friends that village inn really was ihop, long talks about nothing in particular with guys that i felt like i knew forever, homework, non-homework, breakdowns...

september. surprised labor day weekend, followed by winning incubus tickets 1.5 hours before the show (which kicked major ass), followed by a non-zozobra weekend and second breakdown.

i can't remember the rest of september, october, or november, except there was a point where i was in albuquerque/santa/home almost every weekend, and the whole white sands excursion. and birthdays, birthdays, breakdown # who knows what on the night of my birthday. and then i cut again 9 days before my six month mark, and the day after i decided to transfer to unm. how... horrible.

i was so happy on the last drive on that day in december. i felt fine for a while. and then parties, get togethers, work, non-fights, and new year's eve.

and now... it's the same. i failed to go to work today for fear that i might hurt myself (which started last night), so instead i attempted to sleep for more than 4 hours and cleaned my room. there's almost nothing visible in it now.

i need this weekend, and i need it to be good, because then it's back to school, and starting all over again... having to manage my time between class and homework and finally getting a life, finding a psychiatrist, finding a doctor, finding a yoga class, finding my old best friends again...

finding myself...