hold me now, i'm six feet from the edge and i'm thinkin
maybe six feet ain't so far down...

walking around, i think i'm going to run into camilo and ann and marsha and aimee and maybe my old ta... but then i look up from the ground and see that everything's so much bigger, so many more people hanging around. new routes to get to classes and having to time how long it takes to get places again. instead of going across campus in ten minutes it takes fifteen. stairs and stairs and stairs. but the people! there's people around. same classness, same apathy and bitching about profs. and i don't want to do class or work or anything involving thinking. i walked in and realized i was so far away... why try to catch up when it's all going so fast? in highschool things went fast but you had something to look forward to. now i have nothing to look forward to, and i haven't taken the time to find something to strive for. just tired again. a highschool burnout. i scare too many people again, and yet... and i retired my helix piercings on friday. i was too far down to really care anymore, i didn't figure i would last for long then. i guess i pulled out of it... i don't know how. i miss being clever and intelligent and good. i miss being able to understand things and be really enthusiastic about concepts. weird dreams, weird waking thoughts. and i need to talk to you more. need more.

and you just don't get it

and so?

what do i do with this same feeling that i always get. what do i do with a new situation and tiredness of it all. what do i do with my head and my body and my emotions. and how do i make it stop. how do i get my best friend to actually talk to me anymore and stop telling other people to stay out of it, shouldn't i be the one telling people to stay out of it? all i've ever wanted to do was just sit down and have a nice conversation with you like we used to. the good conversations. but apparently people don't want to touch me again, so be it, i've been contemplating letting go of it all for a while now. someone has to help but no one can help... not help when i walk into an empty room and there's no one in the hallways, no one outside, no one to see. same thing different place, but this time i'm right across from a hospital, and that's probably a good thing. classes and classes and class hasn't even started yet. too bad i'm so pathetic. ah well. how do you tell doctors that you hate eating and being around groups of people, hate conflict and yelling, how do you tell someone that there's no future, or that the world really is bad, and there really is nothing we can do to change it, short of killing ourselves? no one understands me to the point where they think that i'm just making it all up. where cutting is a problem only because other people say it's a problem. where the only truth that could possibly get their attention is that i do think about killing myself, every single day. but without any previous attempts or visible scars they just will say you're too stressed, go out and get drunk have fun. doctors who really don't give a shit that you've been hormonally unbalanced since they took out your fucking ovary, that everything that happens is all because of your fucked up body. no, no, get out, get some exercise, stop dwelling on it and you'll magically feel better, because we have no idea what we did to you when you were a baby... no idea how it affected you. i just keep hoping that one day i'll have to have a histerectomy.

a mirror reflecting an empty room, a broken person. what is pleasure? what is safety? what is happiness? red lines in skin, like red silk flowing by.

and no one even knows.

is anyone ever really there

so everyone's doing end of the year recaps. if i had been around more physically and mentally in the last week i would've posted more, and posted on this sooner, but as it is i'm just trying to keep myself together. again.

january february march. isn't it all the same? same doubts and fears, but a desire to let everything go and just practice instant gratification and self indulgence. i remember being optimistic, the most optimistic i think i've been in my entire life. and things were good, for a while. ups and downs and ups and downs and a lingering in the back of my mind (which still won't go away).

march/april. the split-second of determined writing, the infamous story, and then the world broke. it was so liberating to write it, not so much to tell people, but to be connected with it without actually physically recreating the act, to write. teacher and counselor involvement, my hatred and fear and confusion being played upon. she saw something that i had convinced myself wasn't there, and opened up a whole new realm of doubt for me.

april/may. after the extreme week of happiness a bit after the incident, i steadily came back down, and continued to go deeper and deeper until i finally crashed the thursday after graduation. a much hated prom that i didn't want to go to, but again did so for other people (who barely talked to me the entire night). so, that night, i just shut down. didn't care. stayed in that state until when... july?

we shant talk about june. or july. no one knew where i was anyway, so it wouldn't matter.

august full of parties and 2am stops to ihop, convincing drunk friends that village inn really was ihop, long talks about nothing in particular with guys that i felt like i knew forever, homework, non-homework, breakdowns...

september. surprised labor day weekend, followed by winning incubus tickets 1.5 hours before the show (which kicked major ass), followed by a non-zozobra weekend and second breakdown.

i can't remember the rest of september, october, or november, except there was a point where i was in albuquerque/santa/home almost every weekend, and the whole white sands excursion. and birthdays, birthdays, breakdown # who knows what on the night of my birthday. and then i cut again 9 days before my six month mark, and the day after i decided to transfer to unm. how... horrible.

i was so happy on the last drive on that day in december. i felt fine for a while. and then parties, get togethers, work, non-fights, and new year's eve.

and now... it's the same. i failed to go to work today for fear that i might hurt myself (which started last night), so instead i attempted to sleep for more than 4 hours and cleaned my room. there's almost nothing visible in it now.

i need this weekend, and i need it to be good, because then it's back to school, and starting all over again... having to manage my time between class and homework and finally getting a life, finding a psychiatrist, finding a doctor, finding a yoga class, finding my old best friends again...

finding myself...