tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36936942024-03-07T20:49:04.596-07:00pyromanialife and life and life<br>and onUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger511125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-78522813341267373512007-03-19T19:42:00.000-06:002007-03-19T19:42:42.439-06:00Daylight Savings Time? Totally messing with my head.So needless to say the time change is seriously affecting my sleeping/eating/going outside and doing things schedule. It seems like forever since it was light outside past 6pm, and so now my body thinks that everything has just shifted but I should still be relying on visual cues to say, eat dinner and whatnot. That and it really doesn't help that it changes the week of spring break, when my body is all messed up from no routine and staying up late and getting up even later and eating whenever I remember to...<br /><br />As a consequence we've been eating anywhere from 7:30-9:30pm, which really isn't good. I won't go into details, but I <em>really</em> need to get back into a routine and stop eating meals that consist mainly of starches. And now that the weather is nice I can finally go outside and walk around in the sun! Now I just have to worry about the skin cancer...<br /><br />I'm not a hypochondriac, I'm just cautious.<br /><br />Weeks of papers and studying for midterms and finding out that I'm now getting sick from coffee (NOT a welcomed realization), followed by a week of lounging, watching movies, watching the Sopranos, playing Perfect Dark, and raking leaves. And then of course back to writing a paper and doing homework for this week, but hey, there are much more unpleasant things than going to school.<br /><br />But it's so beautiful outside! It's like spring has finally come around bringing all the budding trees and flowers and greenness (and allergies) with it. I hope that this time I'll have more motivation to get out and experience it like I used to, and not just sit inside in front of a computer all day (I'm doomed!). <br /><br />Things that need to be done: get worms from family and set up compost, look into prices on plants and such for xeriscaping, washing the floors/general cleaning of the house. Flamenco performances this weekend, flamenco paper, evolutionary psych paper, reading... the usual.<br /><br />On more of a constructive note, I've really gotten into <a href="http://lifehacker.com/">Lifehacker</a> as a general good-stuff-to-know blog, and damn if those people don't find awesome workarounds for things that normally drive me crazy. Until I convert that Wordpress template into straight HTML I won't put any links up, but when I do there will be a lot of useful links on the sidebars. Trust me.<br /><br />And now it's time for the lazy but oh so good dinner of tamales and rice! (yeah, college meals... so shoot me (or give me cooking lessons!))Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-25395890859634858512007-02-28T12:14:00.000-07:002007-02-28T15:06:50.135-07:00What's Your Gender?I'm currently dealing with being very cold and trying to get rid of a headache, the product of me being very dehydrated for a few <s>years</s> days. So I'm drinking lots of water, which in turn makes me colder, and the vicious cycle begins again. Maybe one of these days I'll learn.<br /><br />Topic of the day: paper and art project addressing the above titled question. Due tomorrow and starting it today, thanks to having tests the past couple days and being quite unmotivated before that. It brings up the question of recycling papers, but I only seem to do that for personal statements for scholarships and whatnot, so here I am having to bring up the gender question again. Art project? Perhaps decoupage, maybe using some of those Classico jars we have around, maybe something with duct tape? Alas, the one time where it would actually work to do a collage (actual art collage, not high school type collage), they tell us that it's the only form of expression we can't use. If only I can relate my gender to stars or duct tape wallets, or tattoos and piercings (although I don't think they would necessarily want pictures of pierced vulvas to be turned in for this project. Then again...).<br /><br />So I'm going to do this out of order (because technically we're supposed to create the visual piece first) and do a semi-writeup. Hopefully I can incorporate any explanation of the art piece into the paper without any huge gaps.<br /><br />. . .<br /><br />It's an all too frequent occurrence: I put on a skirt, or a dress, or just a cute pink/red top, and my friends make a big deal about it. Not necessarily a big deal in a good way, more like "So you've actually decided to be like a girl today" or "Come on, you definitely <em>can't</em> pull that off". Now I could understand this if I was oh, say, male. But the fact that I am female and my friends laugh at me every time I try and look recognizably "feminine"... well, that just makes things complicated.<br /><br />Not that I can uncomplicate my life by dropping most feminine ties and acting more masculine either, mind you. Those same friends that laugh at my attempt to "look like a girl" also chastise me when I wear slightly baggy pants and a sweatshirt, pointing out that no one will take me serious as a female if I routinely walk around like an androgynous (or <em>slightly</em> feminized) guy. I'm constantly caught in the crossfire of "Oh, she's trying to be like a guy! Well, you can't deal with this can you! (and my male friend picks me up off the ground and shows that I am not as strong as men are)" and "Oh how cute, she's trying to look like a girl! Now if only you could look like this (holds onto his girlfriend) then you would be a bit more believable! (note: said girlfriend is stacked, has curly hair, wears makeup and short skirts, and girlishly giggles at all the right times)".<br /><br />On the one hand, I feel kind of cheated because no one really "taught" me how to be feminine. When I look at other girls, I wish that I could look as pretty as they do with their hairstyles and makeup and cute tops and short skirts and coordinating heels. But on the other hand, I really hate how makeup feels and how fake it makes me look, I can't really stand wearing skirts or dresses because you can't do anything physical in them, and I'm pretty sure that I would break my ankle if I tried wearing high heels. Since my appearance hinges directly on me being comfortable (how many women you know that wear heels are actually <em>comfortable</em> in them?) the result is my looking less feminine and more like "one of the guys". Who just happens to have boobs.<br /><br />How did I start out this way? Well, the way I look at it, it's simple. I have an older brother, so when I came along my parents were already used to raising a boy child. Since we were always together, I just started doing what he was doing: playing outside in the mud, wrestling, playing sports, and generally running around. My parents were of the mind that girls could do anything boys could, and so they let me play around with my brother, seeing that that's what made me happy at the time. My brother was my only playmate up until I got into school, and even after that we were each other's primary play friends. So I grew up learning boy things. Sure, I was well aware that I wasn't a boy, that I was biologically female and inherently <em>different</em> from boys, but it seemed that boys were always the ones having the most fun. Because of this "fun factor" (and the fact that growing up with my brother gave me more of a boy mindset than a girl mindset) I had much more boy friends than girl friends, was always playing in one of the boys' games at recess, and generally (since I hadn't reached puberty yet and so looked pretty much like a little boy if you disregarded my long hair) regarded myself as "one of the boys". Oh yeah, it really helped that my clothes were hand-me-downs from my brother and that I was better at sports than most any of the other girls. I guess it really was one of those things where it didn't matter if I was a girl as long as I could keep up with the boys I was playing with: "It appears that for girls to be fully accepted in the boy's sports games they need to be physically fit and skilled. There were no exceptions to this unwritten, unspoken rule. (Boyle, et al, 2003)"<br /><br />Of course all of that changed when we got into midschool, when boys started looking at girls as sexual entities, not as playmates, and when the only thing on girl's minds was to impress the boys. It was then that I finally figured out that I didn't fit in - I wasn't girly enough for the girls and I couldn't hang out with the guys because, well, I was female. So I found the next best thing: drama club. "Don't fit in anywhere else? Don't worry, join Drama Club, we're all as confused and left out as you!" The best part was, since we were all playing characters of all types and genders, it didn't matter how we looked or how we decided to display our gender. If you wanted to do drag, you could. If you were a male and wanted to act super masculine, or a female and wanted to act super feminine, you could. Everyone could mix and match and it was perfectly ok to do so. Well, a lot of the kids not in drama club thought we were all just a bunch of queers, but their approval didn't matter to us anymore. We gave each other encouragement, became best friends, helped each other when needed, and stood up for each other. To me, it seemed that each group in school was painting it's own picture: the jocks' was pretty much full of blue, the cheerleaders' was pretty much all pink, but our picture was by far the most colorful. What we liked most was that we <em>were</em> so colorful, that we weren't all just strictly masculine or strictly feminine. It was like what Fausto-Sterling said at the end of <em>The Five Sexes, Revisited</em>: "Sometimes people suggest to me ... that I am arguing for a pastel world in which androgyny reigns and men and women are boringly the same. In my vision, however, strong colors coexist with pastels."Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-70546591759269643742007-02-26T22:03:00.000-07:002007-02-26T22:20:28.322-07:00Drifting by but leaving no traceToday was so beautiful! Nice weather for a change, getting warmer, sunny and oh-so-good feeling. I really wanted to take a walk but what with procrastinating doing work and studying for tests and helping make dinner it didn't really happen. I need a walking buddy, someone who's actually willing to go out and just stroll around the side streets.<br /><br />I spent most of last week writing papers and drinking coffee, then looking at Bull Terrier puppies and trying to find a breeder anywhere close to here. Now that I have this urge for a child/child equivalent, baby pets have become a thing of great desire. And besides, $2000 is vastly less than one will end up spending 18+ years on a child.<br /><br />So here it is, another week, a week closer to spring break and tests and projects and (hopefully) new mods. I've already enquired about <a href="http://www.bmezine.com/news/pubring/20061106.html">microdermals</a> at <a href="http://evolutionpiercing.com/">Evolution</a>, but I was told that they wouldn't do anchors anywhere on the hands. I can understand why they would say that, seeing as how a lot of people that get piercings are people that get them on spur of the moment and don't take care of them. I wouldn't want my name coming up when a kid with an infected or rejected piercing is bragging to their friends, but at the same time <em>I'm not like those kids</em>, and I've put a <em>lot</em> of thought into this. So I'm going to try and bring it up one more time and explain myself, and if they still don't let me then it's either going to be some sort of sternum/clavicle surface piercing or faux navel piercing.<br /><br />Oh and now we're watching <em>This Film Has Not Been Rated</em>. This should be really interesting.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-29509442181202229742007-02-14T11:38:00.001-07:002007-02-14T12:22:16.041-07:00Candy Mountain Charlie!It snowed. Again. There was a time when I loved the snow. It meant getting to stay at home and drink coffee and hang out with mi Ma, getting a day off from homework and then possibly having decent snow to ski in if I could convince anyone to take me out to Taos.<br /><br />That was before I had to move out of the apartment into the new house in the middle of a frickin blizzard. Seriously, snow in New Mexico is awesome when it happens, but 6" to a foot every weekend for 3-4 weeks is a bit much for people who have no infrastructure to deal with snow that actually sticks.<br /><br />But it is beautiful when it comes down all soft and fluffy, covering trees and rocks and lights (and roads before people actually try driving on them). I wonder how the roadrunner that lives around here is dealing with the snow? I always see him perching on planters and roaming around the neighborhood. We were wondering how he got here, why he stays, and why no one believes me when I tell them that a roadrunner lives on my block. But he's super cute!<br /><br />Anyway, I plan on making brownies for the house to celebrate Valentine's Day, possibly changing a Wordpress template into straight html (since Blogger doesn't handle PHP and whatnot), and avoiding writing papers before heading off to class at 5:30pm.<br /><br />Ah, snow days.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-29818957767348038472007-02-12T21:17:00.000-07:002007-02-12T22:39:48.962-07:00So far from typical...I feel the need to write. I know, I know, almost a year passes and I write a couple posts, then do it again a year later. In all honesty I've been waiting until I wrote up my own code for the face of the blog before writing again. Then I find that the free time I thought I would designate to this blog turned into craft making or packing or drinking coffee and living. And now (amazingly) I'm actually <em>doing all of my reading</em>, so I have even less time to waste on setting together a template and coding it all up.<br /><br />Excuses aside, there just hasn't been much of a need to write.<br /><br />I went through a time last year when I felt anything I would write would hinge on the lamenting of a teenage sexually-confused clinically-depressive girl who was trying to break previous notions of herself. Yeah, so I'm not a teenager, but from the way I was conducting myself you wouldn't know it. Plus the privacy thing. As much as I say that I'll tell people anything they want to know about me if they just ask, there are still things that I don't want future employers looking at. <br /><br />I wanted this space to get back to being productive in my life, but I didn't seem to need it in the same way that I did when I was fifteen or so. As I've mentioned before, I've become much more vocal about things that affect me, specifically things that I would normally just write to a blank screen about. Instead of writing the same (old) things that come back around in my life, I wanted to change my approach. Photography, <a href="http://lifehacker.com/">tech musings</a>, opening others up to the culture of <a href="http://bmezine.com/">body modification</a>, contemplating a more adult life and getting into more <a href="http://dukecityfix.com/">geographically based</a> topics. Things that matter more to me now that I'm not so focused on whether or not I can keep it all together.<br /><br />So what's the deal? I've been reading a ridiculous amount of literature on gender/sexuality/power/queer, as well as social control and the history of the Romani people, and throw evolution into the mix to tilt how I look at all these things yet again. Even though all my classes are different, they all tend to have overlapping themes - and it's really odd how these themes come up on the same days in all of the classes, how one professor will almost continue the sentence of another with a slightly different focus, but when it comes down to it they're talking about the same things.<br /><br />Sidenote: I'm going through all of the free songs that I've downloaded from iTunes trying to find ones that I might actually like (because when I downloaded them, I didn't actually listen to them, just got them because they were free. Never pass up free stuff, someone somewhere will like it). Consequently when I'm listening to different songs I think of different things, and therefore it may seem that my writing jumps around a lot.<br /><br />PS: I really hate how punk/pop crap has managed to get a genre title of "Rock". Just... bad.<br /><br />All of these themes bring up different internal conversations that directly question who I am (and quite often who I am trying to be). It's good to think about these things, to question yourself in terms of power, leading vs. following, asserting who you are even if others disagree with you. To be in a place where you can take what you find after those questions and apply them to your life as you're living it is a lot harder to achieve. It's one thing to acknowledge something in your self, but another thing entirely to let that show through to others without hesitation. It's that hesitation that keeps so much of us from doing what we actually want to do, express ourselves in a way that's comfortable to use and gives us joy, to <em>be who we are</em>.<br /><br />And that, my friends, is why we are all in the closet.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-1142669159288116272006-03-18T00:47:00.000-07:002006-03-18T01:08:22.283-07:00<h4>only heaven knows</h4>cripes, i just spent the entire day making stars, and now i'm really wired sitting in my room on the internet and i don't know what else to do...<br /><br />i picked out my old creative writing journal the other night. it's interesting to go back and read what i wrote at that time in my life. just to remember things, see that i really did know what i was talking about, knowing that my beliefs didn't just all of a sudden spring up (and i can now prove things to people)... views on love, death, friends, and pretty much just general rambling on my part that again only i know what the hell i'm talking about. being able to pick out the he's and she's and know exactly who i was talking about at the time, remembering what concern and love and true warmth feels like, and seeing that i haven't really changed all that much, even though it seems that i have.<br /><br />and oh, how things have gotten complicated, in almost every facet of my life. my life, other people's lives, probably just life in general. i love how everything gets turned around just when you planned the next couple years of your life (see: sarcasm). the type of complete mindfucks that just leave you wondering "wait, <i>what just happened?</i>". and remembering that only you control you, and that metal and scars and ink are a part of you, and that everything really is beautiful, even if you can't see it at the moment because it's too dark out to see anything.<br /><br />how about going to spain, or transferring colleges yet again? what exactly is the limit on that, four times, three different schools? i'm going to have to look into that, if for nothing else that my parents think i'll never do anything in my life with a sociology degree. funny them, who said that i'd ever actually use a degree in life?<br /><br />i need to write more on paper, or maybe i'll end up posting some of the things that i found from that journal...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-1140648404148318382006-02-22T14:51:00.000-07:002006-02-22T15:46:44.190-07:00<h4>"you met me at a very strange time in my life"</h4> all i want to do is quote awesomeness and bathe in music.<br /><br />hey there, long time no write. i had some major technical difficulties earlier, which doesn't exactly excuse five months of silence, but i have such a connection to writing on my computer in my own space, in a way that i can actually read it... as you could see from the previous post, my screen asploded at the beginning of the fall semester. i'm not blaming anyone anymore, and i'm well over it by now, but the gist is that it slid off of my bed and hit on the power cord, and (i'm guessing, since i've dropped it from about 4 feet in the air when it was open before) it surged and cracked the lcd screen. awesomely that was the only thing that was broken, i still had a completely functioning computer, except that i had to change everything to one side of my screen (and move my dock and make it tiny so it would fit). user error! if i'd have gotten it fixed through apple, it would have cost me a good $1200, which is slightly over half of what the computer cost in the first place. so, i took the chance and bought a screen through ebay. long story short, didn't get it fixed until december, then wireless was broke, just got it back again now in february. <br /><br />sheesh. yeah, now i have a new background and all of my folders and my dock are back in order. i was on the verge of deleting all the pictures on my comp, so i uploaded a good few hundred pics to <a href="http://facebook.com/" title="the facebook">facebook</a> in the hopes of letting others pick what they wanted to keep and then i could delete them without feeling bad. i need to wipe my harddrive, but i have no idea when or even if i'll get around to doing that.<br /><br />school school school and drama. we shant speak of fall semester. beginning of january my quarter-life-crisis started. i say started because apparently i'm still in the midst of it. i changed my major. yeah, i couldn't deal with not having a life and being miserable all the time just because of programming classes. i still have my love/hate relationship with computers, that'll never change, and if my parents yell at me enough i'll probably try to get some sort of graphics design training so that i can do what i originally wanted to do (web design). on that note, i am now a full-fledged sociology major (and psychology minor because i can get it done in the 4 year period). i probably will never get a job that uses my degree, but right now there are more important things to think about.<br /><br />like life.<br /><br />it's a funny thing you know, when you realize that you actually don't want to die, when traveling and creating and opening minds means so much more than getting an education. when you wake up one morning and realize you can add another person to the list of people you love. yes, i'm in a quarter-life-crisis. i've been happier for a longer amount of time than i can ever remember, and it feels so good, but my dual nature is craving that other side of my life to come back again, and frankly i can't wait to be out of control again. redefining friends, the nature of friends, the meaning of best friends. i still mean what i say when i tell you that i'll love you forever, no matter who we both become or are. and i can feel auras again, opening myself up to people other than the one i've been with for some time now. and coffee and hugs and touching feels oh so good. social butterfly, getting my teenage years out when i'm twenty, being with friends and going to random places late at night and <i>doing what i want</i>. tattoos and piercings and jewelry and stars and coffee and talking so sincerely and concerts and gazing at planets... <br /><br />so much to say, but how much can i say to a screen when i've been away for five months? i've tried to think of where my focus could shift, tech blog, photo blog, shutting down, starting over, becoming new. i'm up in the air about it right now, i'd like to take more photos and (if i like them) put them here so that i can share them with others. i still have to redesign, i know what i have in mind but finding the time is so hard these days (except when you ditch class apparently, as i'm doing now (or did, rather)). i have a bunch of projects i should be in the middle of right now, mostly stars, but one day things will get done. hell, i finally read Mutant Message Down Under, so i know that i'll get around to everything eventually.<br /><br />but check back in a while, 'cause i think i'm back this time, at least until this quarter-life-crises comes to a close. i'll have things to say, whether they're anything remotely important or interesting is something completely different. <br /><br />and i am definitely looking forward to coffee tonight.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-1125901100541990742005-09-05T00:16:00.000-06:002005-09-05T00:19:13.163-06:00<h4>behold my technical difficulty</h4><a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4568/63/1600/IMG_0005.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4568/63/320/IMG_0005.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />so... anybody have an lcd screen they'd be willing to give me...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-1124835633715497872005-08-23T16:21:00.000-06:002005-10-15T15:07:00.623-06:00<h4>starry night of missed days</h4>i have a ridiculous headache right now, and no one's around.<br /><br />i have to buy books, and shoes, and more school stuff.<br /><br />i have to do homework, and reading, and practice dance steps.<br /><br />but mostly i need me time.<br /><br />it's been such a long time since i had anything worthwhile to say here that i mainly just didn't bother saying anything at all. but i've wanted to, wanted to write and update and so much. i just don't really have the energy or desire to do much of anything most of the time. i had planned in the beginning of the summer to quit my job early so that i could code for my sites and fix css and put a whole new look to this page, along with changing it to be more information-oriented. turns out i not only worked the whole summer, but worked two more weeks than i had ever planned on. so i had no real me time at all, much less time to do computer things. ah, the irony of my major.<br /><br />anyway, as i've said many times before, i hope that i'll have the time to get to this site and fix what i've wanted to for three years as well as start everything else i've wanted to start.<br /><br />but right now my head hurts, my joints hurt, i'm really tired, and i still have much, much more to do before tomorrow.<br /><br />but some links to tide you over. or maybe it's tide me over. whatever.<br /><br />new blogs:<ul><li><a href="http://wills4223.blogspot.com/" target="_blank" title="will">wills4223</a></li><li><a href="http://hiphopvoterproject.blogspot.com/" target="_blank" title="julia">hiphopvoterproject</a></li><li><a href="http://dukecityfix.com/" target="_blank" title="abq">duke city fix</a></li></ul><br />body mod:<ul><li><a href="http://www.zentastic.com/" target="_blank" title="shannon">zentastic</a></li><li><a href="http://modblog.bmezine.com/" target="_blank" title="modblog">modblog</a></li><li><a href="http://needled.com/" target="_blank" title="needled">needled</a></li></ul>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-1122188428427415882005-07-24T01:01:00.000-06:002005-07-24T01:00:28.433-06:00<h4>what did i do to deserve</h4>well i guess i'm obligated to update now.<br /><br />my brother got his ipod yesterday. that's one week from when they said he would get it. we are in the process of getting more people involved. please if you are going to do this or another free whatever from gratis sign up from someone's referral instead of just starting your own. if you want a place to start, just contact me and i'll tell you who needs referrals.<br /><br />tattoo. bigger. i like, a lot of people don't. but of course they don't say it to your face it's like when i outed that i was an atheist you know people hate you but they don't want to look like intolerant assholes. i do have pictures, they're going on facebook first, then maybe here. possibly. going back august 2nd for fill-in of the sanskrit letters, then after everything's healed a last touch up of the entire thing.<br /><br />having a family reunion is really, really fucking tiring.<br /><br />writing at 1am does not work out well.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-1121564590162573132005-07-16T19:42:00.000-06:002005-07-16T19:43:10.170-06:00<h4>believe in me as i believe in you</h4> well, my brother is getting his free ipod. no shit. seriously. and so now i can start on mine (yay!). i don't know if anyone has heard of this thing, or if anyone actually reads this, but if you want to help me out (and have a chance at getting a free ipod yourself) you can sign up under my referral <a href="http://www.freeiPods.com/?r=9165091" target="_blank" title="my referral link for freeipods.com">here</a>. if you call me when you sign up i'll talk you through the whole thing, but the basics of it are that you sign up for an offer that you get instant credit for, that gives you either a free trial or very small (under $5) sign up fee, and that you can cancel with no extra charges. then you call the next day (or when your freeipods account says that you have been credited) and cancel whatever you signed up for.<br /><br />so far i've had bryan do the rhapsody offer ($.99 for 1 month 5 "free" downloads) and kassi did the videoprofessor offer ($3 for 5 day trial) for my brother (she was his last referral he needed for the ipod). so yeah, this really is legit, if you are wanting to help me out i can tell you all about it and/or have my brother tell you about it (he researched it fully, and is now getting his ipod).<br /><br />i know i don't do endorsements like this, but i want this ipod, and you can easily get one also. the hardest thing is getting people to actually believe you.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-1121057098484906982005-07-10T22:45:00.000-06:002005-07-10T22:44:58.490-06:00<h4>in other news</h4> so much for posting again. no web stuff done, i actually took some of the week as an actual vacation and had a pretty relaxing time. that and now we have a slight carport (can't be on the concrete yet and the roof isn't finished), but i got stuff downloaded onto my comp and snagged daivd's bass, so i should be good for a while. set my tattoo plans and handed them the deposit so now i just have to sit back and wait.<br /><br />sometime last week i realized that i'm taking 6 classes this next semester. and i think i'll have time for things. sure. i'll be napping on saturdays as usual again, but this time i need to find a new room to sleep in since i won't be able to frequent the other one anymore.<br /><br />and i don't like wearing skirts. i almost decided in my haze last night that i would never wear skirts again. now i'm just limiting it to not wearing short skirts again. it's not like i need to impress anybody.<br /><br />damn i need to sleep.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-1119933148125027522005-06-27T22:32:00.000-06:002005-06-27T22:32:28.133-06:00<h4>friends don't let friends use IE</h4> before i start ranting, let me just say (as i find it extremely cool) that now, apparently, you can post images <i>without having to host them yourself</i>! this is a <b>huge</b> thing for me because i remembered something about how they weren't going to have this kind of support for mac for a long, long time, if at all. but again, the google buyout of pyra has given us loads of new cool things, and the nice people there seem to actually care about their customer base (even if it is free). that said, i don't know how long we've had this feature... i'm not the most regular blogger anymore and when i do come in here i usually don't check the updates or the layout of the post page. another one of the many things i have to get into in the upcoming days.<br /><br />anyway, i just had the best day i've had in a very, very long time. and as a bonus it was the best day i've had at work (of all places!). i was fortunate enough to attend a workshop/seminar given by <a href="http://molly.com/" title="molly.com" target="_blank">molly holzschlag</a>, hosted by the big entity that is my employer (honestly, these kind of things happen <i>all the time</i> and i only get to go to one the whole summer. you know how much their css class was? $700. and i get this one free. freaks.). anyway, i heard from some other people that it was kind of a summary of what they already knew, but for me who's really just starting to be serious about css (and the whole xhtml/xml thing), it was very, very, very helpful. it was <b>exactly</b> what i've been wanting to do all summer. exactly what i've been wanting to learn. and validation! i mean, huge stuff when you look at it from standards, which was the point of all this. standards are awesome. you might hate complying, but it helps so much. seriously. in anything really, standards are great to use. anyway, i get to go back tomorrow for the hands-on part of the class (hopefully some people won't show so i can actually sit at a computer and do the hands-on rather than just listening to her, which still isn't bad at all), which will no doubt be just as awesome. and tomorrow is all css. <br /><br />karma. just, karma man. for as shitty as i've been feeling, being good to others really comes back to you.<br /><br />now i don't know if come noon tomorrow when i go back to my usual job i won't still want to quit at the end of the week, but this definitely makes things at least a little better.<br /><br />quick notes: i've been meaning to get <a href="http://opera.com/" title="opera web browser" target="_blank">opera</a> for a while now to add to my browser list (to check css layouts and such, web dev stuff), and now i'll finally have to do it. if you don't [have a mac and use <a href="http://www.apple.com/macosx/features/safari/" title="safari web browser" target="_blank">safari</a>, or] use <a href="http://www.mozilla.org/products/firefox/" title="firefox web browser" target="_blank">firefox</a>, i would say check out opera. i've only heard good things about it.<br /><br />must spend ridiculous amounts of time at the <a href="http://www.w3.org/" title="w3c" target="_blank">w3c</a> and learn, learn, learn. also must look into bbedit, that or finally learn how to use project builder as it was intended. hell i could write all my java in textEdit for all i do with project builder right now.<br /><br />ok, it's half an hour past my bedtime and a little kitten is standing on my bed next to me, waiting for me to get off the computer. hopefully more tomorrow!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-1119243497055084852005-06-19T22:54:00.000-06:002005-06-19T22:58:17.060-06:00<h4>little one</h4> got tiger on wednesday, installed thursday, played <a href="http://popcap.com/gamepopup.php?theGame=diamondmine" title="bejeweled" target="_blank">bejeweled</a> all night friday. spent all of saturday cleaning cars, and a good part of today doing that also.<br /><br />the rest of my time has been spent playing with a little kitten who now resides in my room. she's beautiful, and the first kitten i've had in a couple years. i missed it immensely. <br /><br />more of an update later this week, will be starting web stuff and adding onto the site.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-1118635326450342722005-06-12T22:02:00.000-06:002005-06-12T22:02:06.456-06:00<h4>fear the closed-minded</h4>so it's time again for another (or maybe the first) update.<br /><br />in work news: i forgot to say that i'm working in a pseudo microsoft base camp. all .NET, all the time. i've concluded that i like neither C languages nor visual basic, and that visually (no pun intended) i wish VB would just die. replacing brackets with END IF is just wrong on so many levels. on that note, it seems that i'm slightly learning how to program in VB. and by slightly i mean not really programming, just converting C# into VB. personally, i'm still sticking with java.<br /><br />on that note for the past couple weeks i've been intending on updating <a href="http://pyro1065.tripod.com/" title="station" target="_blank">my original informational website</a> with my past couple years experience. i've needed to go through that code (and god damn is there a lot of code, just because i didn't want to use frames), put the template css into it's own file like it should be, and streamlining some of the standards there (ha. ha. ha. the sad thing is, as super organized as i like to be, i actually <i>like</i> standards.). that and i haven't updated the "updates" file in two years, and programmatically i've learned a <b>lot</b> since then. on that note maybe i'll start adding java based pages on there.<br /><br />i ordered <a href="http://www.apple.com/macosx/" title="OS X Tiger" target="_blank">tiger</a> (finally) the other night. should be in by wednesday, unless the freaking fedex guy can't find my house again. this means i'll finally be able to use some of my hardware and other things to their fullest potential. that and i'll be able to play bejeweled again and actually see those handy mouse-over tips that i love. i think my battery is almost to the end of its life cycle, so i may have to start actually turning my comp off every day instead of sleeping it. but tiger does have a greatly improved loading time, so maybe it won't be that much of an issue anymore. i still feel gypped about the whole not really new thing with my computer, would have much rather payed $100 more to get it new from sacramento than already in cruces for 9+ months before we bought it. and that it didn't have panther on it. ugh. all soon to be remedied.<br /><br />speaking of mac software, i've found an alternative to ichat. with bryan moving to linux, he found a lot of good open source software (linux being an almost totally open source community), including gaim for his online chatting. so now i'm going to probably be downloading <a href="http://www.adiumx.com/" title="adium" target="_blank">adium</a> and using that for all my chatting needs. but i really like the whole speech-bubble thing with ichat...<br /><br />mmm. open source. mmm.<br /><br />ugh. someone PLEASE tell me to stop eating ice cream sandwiches. i swear if i wasn't borderline diabetic before, i sure as hell will be soon. <br /><br />i'm not one for a 40 hour work week, but here i am doing it all summer. due to this fact i'm usually really unmotivated when i get home to do anything, let alone code for my sites. but i'm exercising two days a week (maybe i'll start making it three), which is a hell of a lot more than i've been doing since i stopped playing sports four, five years ago. i have to get in major shape for my flamenco class this next semester. and it really helps with the whole endorphins making me feel like i can actually live and do things. i should probably start jogging next semester just to keep the big black cloud from taking me under so much. <br /><br />so eventually i should be rehauling this page, i need to delete some blogs off the blogroll as it seems some people have dropped off the face of the earth. i have to add <a href="http://www.zentastic.com/bindex.html" title="disclaimer: bme made, frequent pics of mods, NSFW (at least certainly not where i work), and not for the conservative" target="_blank">shannon's page</a> (off of zentastic, not his direct iam page) since i've been reading it daily for a year or so, probably more. and he does a lot more research on headlines than i have energy to do, so that's always a plus. also i feel kind of obligated to put <a href="http://lanl-the-real-story.blogspot.com/" title="i wonder if i could get fired for this..." target="_blank">the infamous lanl blog</a> link on here as well. haven't really kept up with it, i'm a student so i'm pretty much invisible over there. the tommy hook thing: personally i believe the government has him almost killed scenario, but i'm also really, really, really jaded about anything having to do with the government. that said, i now <i>work</i> for the government, and they pretty much know/can find out whatever the hell they want about me, including drug tests, searches, and all the other information finding things they use. scary stuff. if i didn't need a job i definitely wouldn't try to be caught up in a government facility. but enough on that.<br /><br />wanting more mods in the immediate future, still have to do some convincing though... but as long as i can find a good black work artist and my back looks good, i'm planning to go through on the tattoo at the end of the summer.<br /><br />we need to start following through on the whole neo-hippie lifestyle thing. and i'm not kidding about the peace corps.<br /><br />ok, now it's my bedtime, must try and sleep now. more to come after tiger gets in.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-1117773040866812682005-06-02T22:30:00.000-06:002005-06-02T22:47:42.296-06:00<h4>pulls her hair back as she screams<br />i don't really want to live this life</h4>i don't know if it's the hormones or the depression or a mix of both, my insecurities and my fears, my friends leaving... but i'm on the edge way too much lately. i was seconds away from slicing my arm up on sunday night, but he threw away my blades (after i gave them to him last summer). but that was bad, harder than most days like that. it got me thinking about p docs again, and how i really would go if it didn't cost so much. that's the thing about hospitalizations, good for the situation, bad for the wallet. but adults still scare me out of my mind. my mentor scares me just because he's older than me. i have an extremely hard time with age groups that aren't mine. i would try to get over that but i still don't think i'm smart enough or aware enough. i'm still just a stupid little girl and i can't stand up to them in that capacity. bad.<br /><br />i still can't see myself living past college. i don't know if i want to or not, i can't see myself holding down a conventional job. i just find it so hard to hold together for that long of a time and feel like i'm doing something productive. i can't visualize taking care of myself, doing everything on my own, going places and talking to people by myself. living on my own, getting a place, being responsible. it hurts in a conventional life to sleep in every day, be randomly creative, take time off to just be. to live like that you need money, to have money you need a job, and to have a job you can't live like that. i don't know what i'll do.<br /><br />what i <i>do</i> want to do is webdev. all summer, just work on cleaning up my html, integrating more css, learning flash and javascripting, becoming familiar with webhosting and server load. just everything. all i've been doing at work is googling sql server stuff and c# stuff and while i understand that sql server is a very useful application, i just can't get behind coding in c languages. i'm java minded now, i can't handle things that don't have brackets. but i want to do website coding so badly right now, and i know that staying at my job will kill any desire and energy i have towards this learning project. all i want to do when i get home is tune out and snuggle (usually both of which i can't do). and no one could understand that because you're <i>expected</i> to have a full time job that you go to every day for the entire summer, to get money that you'll never use because it'll be put in a savings account forever. but if i'm choosing to live, i want to actually live <i>my way</i>. <br /><br />it doesn't help that i want a back piece done the end of this summer and a few more piercings too. good work costs money, good jewelry costs money, school costs money, gas, food, fun... you can only live a green life so much, but even then you need something to start out with. why can't i just become a hippie and leave this all behind. maybe i will end up joining the peace corps just because it's something to do that isn't an 8 to 5 job.<br /><br />sometimes i feel that this is the only place i can really rest, other times i'm certain that it contributes to all the crap running around in my head. home is a safe place... but what if it made you like this in the first place. i don't know if i can stay in your house anymore after sunday night, that was too hard, too much for me. you ask too much when i'm in the wrong state of mind, and i'll always regret anything i say in states like that. but i don't want you ever to hurt, and i don't want to hurt you, even though that's becoming harder the more i go on like this.<br /><br />and do you have any idea how much i miss you? the french boy is leaving in less than two days. he was like you when you weren't there, a friend, someone who listens, someone who cares. and now everyone's gone and didn't you know how much you meant to me? we've always tiptoed around the big issue, but i don't think i can do that anymore. i love you, you know i love you, but <i>i can't do this on my own</i>. four best friends has almost shrunk down to one, and so help me if i lose him. but you... you were always different. now what?<br /><br />no one reads this anymore. maybe that's a good thing. i've almost lost all sight of what i once thought i could be. everyone's struggling, but the thing is that the struggle never ends, just changes. it seems like we're all breaking apart, the ones who broke sooner are getting better (or are better) and maybe that really was good. maybe everyone needs a suicide attempt now and then to get things in perspective. to get help. old problems come up with new people, more people on medication and more people doing crazy things. it doesn't worry me, just sometimes i think it's sad. decisions are always around, but they never matter until you make them.<br /><br />and don't even get me started on the sex thing. that just makes me even more depressed.<br /><br />i think maybe i need to sleep. more non-work tomorrow, saying goodbyes, writing letters. maybe i'll start cutting again, who knows. but i won't let them run my life again. i hope.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-1117509428310661552005-05-30T21:05:00.000-06:002005-05-30T21:17:08.316-06:00<h4>what do i have to be to make you stay</h4>i think i broke last night.<br /><br />old memories come haunting me like truths that i keep trying to run away from. streams of tears cloud my vision and i think i'm in some dream state. not really there... this isn't really happening. and it's like i'm swimming in some body, disconnected from everything around me. but i have to make everything right, even if i'm exhausted, even if i'm miserable, even if i hate myself for what i do. i'm not worth making demands. i can't say listen to me, be with me for once. i can't make myself be happy. i don't know how to be... ok with being somewhere i don't want to be. i'm too confused again. <br /><br />will you please just stay with me...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-1116728750286834402005-05-21T20:25:00.000-06:002005-05-21T20:25:50.293-06:00<h4>peather fillow</h4>torki tichesUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-1116389728975561362005-05-17T22:15:00.000-06:002005-05-17T22:15:28.980-06:00<h4>life out of the corner of your eye</h4>sometime during the early evening the realization hit me: it has been one year since i graduated. for the first time in my life, i can remember almost the exact events that happened a year ago (all the way from may 1st to when i left for state in august). i can remember what i did every single day of this week a year ago too: sunday was daivd and kyle's graduation party, i drove for pretty much the first time in my civic, and stalled pretty much every time that i had to try and get started from first gear. monday i had to put together some kind of speech for senior awards that night, ended up writing an intro paragraph and then getting my brother to write what i figured i was trying to say. tuesday graduation, after graduation dinner, and then the after afterness in where no one called me about parties/get togethers after i specifically asked them to (but in all honesty it worked out for the best...). wednesday i attempted to dye irena's hair red, thursday go into santa and find a party going on at kat's, get thoroughly depressed, have an episode, and cut for the second to last time ever (to date that is). friday go into town shop for shorts/skirts, meet up with irena, go get my hood pierced (and she her nose), paula and samantha's graduation party, more party at kat's house, spend the night with alex. saturday get my computer (wonderful).<br /><br />i have never, ever been able to remember a time as well as now. <br /><br />big things. big, big things happening before and after graduation. i was thinking today, while driving home from work (it's that time again boys and girls, the dreaded 40 hour work week), that i was more afraid last year at this time that i am now. and then i had to promptly correct myself because i was actually not very afraid at all a year ago. school had just ended, i had almost no responsibilities anymore (except work), and i was getting into a relationship. i had almost nothing to lose. and now... it's not that i have a great deal to lose, it's that i have almost nothing to gain if things go wrong. <br /><br />bah.<br /><br />finished the semester. didn't have any time to rest and unwind, back into work and remembering after two days how much i dislike being in los alamos, hoping that by the end of this week i won't be only wanting to work there part time (or not at all). i haven't seen my best friends in forever, and i don't know if i ever will. but i still have my love, and i still have at least a glimmer of hope for the upcoming present.<br /><br />i don't know if i understand what i'm thinking...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-1115264878977427292005-05-04T21:48:00.000-06:002005-05-04T21:47:59.146-06:00<h4>bare walls</h4>i don't know why i'm back on here except that i felt some need to type. long day of sleeping, and i'm still tired. and i know why i slept and why i still need to sleep, but i still feel like such a failure to even get out of bed and do <i>anything</i> today. eleven whole hours to study and program, and i don't think i'll do much of anything for more than an hour, if that. it feels like another of those bad weeks where i just don't care and my grades take a plunge because of it. i keep on reminding myself that if i'm happy then grades don't matter at all. if i was 4.0 and miserable it wouldn't even be worth it because i'd be so messed up nothing would matter. the trade off sucks, considering my past, but it's something that i have to live with now. i am not going to obsess over something that in the end won't really matter. can't even obsess over money anymore since can't get any scholarships, just have to keep up a 2.5 overall, and if i can't even do that then something bigger is wrong.<br /><br />i'm in a huge cuddly stage and am being very unfulfilled in that area. which is more than reasonable since i feel like cuddling every moment of the day now. i saw american beauty for the first time last night and cried. my blood tests came back. they say i'm fine. i officially give up on doctors... which is sad because now that means that everything really is in my head. i have this primal urge to refuse to go to a therapist/psychiatrist. it's not even a question in my head, just someone says go and my mind spits out "no". i just don't want to get burned again by doctors who don't understand me. i don't want to be put on medication that will kill the few highs that i get. but i think most of my relationships are hinging on this whole me going thing. aren't breakdowns the kind of thing you're supposed to get out of your system when you're still in highschool? it's a year later and i still feel the same, except maybe less energetic with the highs. and i never burn anything anymore. it's been such a long time... so much to burn but it's like the fire has mellowed out with me. i want to go back to berkeley and walk through the eucalyptus forest and lay on the grass and hang out on telegraph. and then i want to ride in cars with my friends in santa fe for the entire day, hang out and eat and watch movies and just be us again. and i keep saving money for some silly reason even though i still don't see myself living past college. and i want to make things. and read books. and i want to visit las cruces even though every time i think about it it makes me cry. i don't want a roommate next semester (who can handle me?). i want to be able to stay me even if that means sleeping all day. six months in eight days. i did it only twice in all of last year. more out of guilt than strength. but i guess that's still good, it's what everyone wanted.<br /><br />things are... different.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-1115096900392759732005-05-02T23:08:00.000-06:002005-05-02T23:11:31.190-06:00<h4>end of an era</h4> cory left the band almost a month ago. i didn't find out until just now when i finally went to the site to check it out for the month. cory left and i didn't even know.<br /><br />they have more kids, not that that's necessarily something i should be keeping up with in the first place. but a lot's happened in the five years since i first stumbled upon them. families and growing up always seems to kill rock bands.<br /><br />but they're not dead, wanting to record this summer (yeah, like we haven't heard <i>that</i> one before).<br /><br />brandin, rex, fletcher. three left.<br /><br />i never even got to see all of them play live.<br /><br />i haven't listened to tarantula a fraction of the times i listened to whta. but i still have all 5 cds.<br /><br />this is just weird. when flickerstick is gone, who will come after to fill the void?<br /><br />(brandin, i still maintain that your voice sounds like an angel's in the right moments)<br /><br />that is all. back to programming.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-1114567364264126542005-04-26T20:00:00.000-06:002005-04-26T20:02:44.263-06:00<h4>made my day</h4> you just made me ecstatic.<br /><br />yeah.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-1113805689953879352005-04-18T00:28:00.000-06:002005-04-18T00:29:35.633-06:00<h4>sometimes the inevitable happens</h4> eh. just... eh.<br /><br />you know, there's so many things that i wouldn't have changed in that school. things that i liked, that i wanted, structure and security, knowing everyone in your class (and in turn most of the school). but the things that are wrong throughout the years have just overshadowed all the good. immensely.<br /><br />i wish i could be around all the happenings there now, just to take it all in and see how people are truly reacting to it. whether it's out of selfishness, cover-my-assness, or people really taking it to heart. i guess i am pessimistic, or just really realistic in this day and age, but 9 out of 10 says that no one had any idea what she was thinking, and now they're making it about them.<br /><br />and maybe i am a bad person when the first thing that comes to my head after hearing it was "good for you". maybe i'm a sick, horrible person, but part of me really holds on to that she did what she wanted, she ultimately had the control. the other me, knowing what i know now, still standing on the threshold of what i <i>should</i> be going through but refuse, thinks that maybe if someone could've understood her, maybe she would want help and get it, and be better for it. but ultimately, it <i>is</i> your own choice. i still maintain that your body is the only thing you really have, the only thing you have true control over. do what you want with it. (i also maintain that suicide is the most powerful act you could ever commit. i know some (most) people would say that i shouldn't respect someone because of that, but i do, and i suppose i always will.)<br /><br />but the thing that's been throwing me off is that for every person who actually succeeds, there's at least a handful (or more) people at that school who haven't been successful. and they do nothing about it. there isn't really any safe area kids can go to, no counselors that actually give a shit (except for sunseri, but only seniors are allowed to see her, so what about everyone else?), no one people can truly talk to without the threat of extra adult and parental intervention. what about all the kids that are pushed into the shadows because of what they tried to do? i don't know, there's just so much that's still very wrong with this picture.<br /><br />how do people know. people never know unless they take the time to care, and even then you only know as much as the person wants you to know. before senior year i only told my 2 best friends of my suicidal... tendencies... and that's because they were the only people i felt truly cared about me. after i turned 18 i didn't really care what happened, i wasn't scared of adult intervention anymore, so i became open with what i'd been struggling with all of high school. then shit went down and (because of where i was at the time, and where i figured i was headed) i shut up, because my suspicions at the time proved to be correct... on a base level, they were just covering their asses. but the bottom line was this: i had been depressed the entire time i was at that school. i had seriously seriously considered killing myself a handful of times (as i'm sure a lot of other people had/have), and <i>no one ever noticed</i>, at least not enough to ask me about it. they were all busy keeping their eye on the "stoners" and people with bad grades, people who tried to fuck with the dress code, people who they thought were delinquents. and, while i think that some people who act out are doing it for different motives (that need to be watched/looked into), i truly believe that <i>they were focusing on the wrong people</i>. <br /><br />i didn't know her. i'll say that right now. i never took the time to really talk to her outside of drama things. i was the old drama bitch by the time she came around, and she (as well as most of the other new girls) made that clear to me. maybe if my role had been different in the context that we were all in then maybe i'd have gotten to know her better. maybe if people really could wear their lives on their skin she would've talked to me. but that's all what-if's, and it gets us nowhere. in all truth i was more worried about her sister and a handful of other girls in the club than i was about her. if i had more than a few months? maybe. and then again maybe not. who knows what happens when you look back on it with the eyes of death.<br /><br />my mother called and told me that she loved me. i still find that ridiculously funny.<br /><br />and to the point? it's sad that the people around her have to have this jolt in their lives. it's sad that they didn't see it coming, in whatever little sense anyone could've. it's sad that it takes this for some people to rethink things, and it's sad that this will spark a wave of suicide attempts.<br /><br />but, in all, ultimately, i'm happy for her.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-1113328352525328332005-04-12T11:52:00.000-06:002005-04-12T11:52:32.526-06:00<h4>creo que necesito cambiar</h4> so, yeah. things have been... hectic. my own fault really, as usual, but still. i was thinking yesterday, on my way to class, that i could just up and go to spain, maybe come back a couple years later, and somehow magically be better. and if not be better, than just more interesting. because why? i can't seem to be convinced that this traditional education and traditional carreer path will work. i keep thinking that there's something better, more creative, more on my terms, if there's anything out there at all. and now people remind me daily "you could have gone anywhere... why on earth are you here?" and when i tell them i didn't think i really had a choice, they don't understand. parts of me don't understand either, but the majority of me still knows exactly what i was talking about in the first place. and so i suppose i'll trudge along and make things work out, if only because that's what you have to do nowadays. and taking up guitar again and <i>wanting</i> to be creative won't fix things, just make you more restless.<br /><br />who would have thought that failing would be so easy? getting stuck in a routine where you don't actually do anything but wait to sleep again. where mood swings are a daily occurrence, and now i can't even remember what bed i'm sleeping in. get sleeves and full piercings and long hair that flows freely. sandals and skirts and <i>being warm</i>. if i was just warm, how much better things would be. leave a hot place that makes me cry yet i get good grades and learn, to come to a place where i have a social life, but am cold and struggle through everything. it was the trade off i was willing to make at the time. it's still a good trade off, i just put on more sweaters and jackets and make myself go to class, gain new friends that will leave. tired's got nothing to do with it. i just need to be away from this all.<br /><br />and doctors are the same, i don't think i'll go to get bloodwork done this week, i can't bring myself to do it just to be let down again. someone upset because they're healthy. and if i did still belive in god things would be a lot worse, i'd be even more of a failure than i already at times am. stars and peroxide. cuts like the soul. five months and i'm restless again. go figure.<br /><br />maybe one day i'll get to go somewhere. my creativity will come back. right now i need to figure out a way to convince people that things will be alright, even though i know that they won't.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3693694.post-1112720759131475632005-04-05T01:04:00.000-06:002005-04-05T11:08:40.926-06:00I am currently party to one sugar high. And by sugar high I mean more sugar than should be in one’s body at 12:50am. I thought it was a good idea, if thirsty then drink the rootbeer that you left in your friends’ fridge. I mean it’s caffeine free, so everything would be ok.<br /><br />WRONG!<br /><br />Lesson learned children: stick with the v8 you were originally going to have. It’s good for you, and I’m gonna bet that it won’t keep you up at midnight playing guitar in a room that has a purple fur rug that looks like a pimp jacket when one crazy French boy puts it on.<br /><br />So now I’m a slacker, eh? Half of it feels really good, doing something that I really want to do in the moment like watch a movie or take a nap or some other sort of extra curricular activity that doesn’t include much activity instead of actually going to labs or doing your homework. On that note, I have officially fucked up my latest program, and my grade in that class I’m guessing, but the good thing is that I have no idea how to fix the program to make it work. Yay for confusion and bad teachers!<br /><br />Sarcasm is totally lost on me when I’m in this state. And to think this was previously a very, very, very bad day. <br /><br />Maybe I am diabetic. Hm…<br /><br />I even did laundry. I never do laundry. Our basement looks freakishly bright and shiny due to the hideous paint job one of the ra’s did on it. Well, technically it’s d2’s part of the basement, but if there’s a basement, usually all of it is basement. Usually.<br /><br />I want to be a hippie. Yes, I want to be a hippie. I could make a song out of it and play guitar and have the pasta sing and then we can all play perfect dark because n64 is teh roxors. And now that I have actually used that phrase in real life I think I will have to rewash my brain. Or maybe just my pajamas. Jammies! <br /><br />It’s really quite horrible that I’m still wide awake. Maybe some late night war chalking? Ninja training? Squirrel fishing? Damn squirrels. Cold now, off to big fluffy blue blanket land where everything is cozy until the alarm radio goes off or some people come knocking on my door.<br />--------------------<br /><br />i wrote this at 1am-ish on word because blogger wasn't letting me into my account, hence all the random capitalized words (and by random i mean things that are usually supposed to be capitalized. damn autocorrect.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0