i really hate committing

so i kinda feel bad that the one of the only reasons i still go to church is to check out all of the hot guys that sometimes come to nambe. i just can't help it. i mean i'm not gonna tell my parents that i really dislike the catholic faith (and oh by the way i'm now an atheist) until i'm well aware that they can't throw me out of the house. so i just go to church now as my weekly routine... i mean it's sorta weird just to stop going when i've been going every sunday (and all other holy days) since i was born. so on sundays i get up, get dressed, and go to church to contemplate life. and as a plus on the first sunday of every month i get to see lee and listen to him sing. mmm.

oh sorry i got distracted there. so yeah so today i was sitting there not listening to fr., and i was looking at this guy i used to go to school with. he's a senior now, and today he brought his baby girl with him to mass. i just found it so funny, last year we were sitting in confirmation class listening to all their bullshit about pre-marital sex and all that, and there he was just sitting there... and we all knew that he was gonna have a kid in a few months. it was really too surreal. i just can't get over how fucked up pojoaque is. i mean, if i was still going there, i am sure that i'd be really messed up... or dead. i would be addicted to drugs, i'd probably would've had a couple of abortions by now, and i'd have absolutely no desire or hope to get out of the state. and it pisses me off. i really really didn't want to leave pojoaque, i didn't have any desire to make myself any better than i was, i was just content to be with all my friends i knew since i was six and go to a school where you didn't even have to show up to get an A. i was totally fine that the kids in my class were doing drugs (and not just a little harmless pot). i was totally fine with the fact that in a couple of years almost none of the girls in my class were going to still be virgins. i was totally fine that most of the kids in my grade couldn't even read at a fourth-grade level. i was completely fine with the fact that we were all going to be majorly fucked up in the immediate future, and for the rest of our lives.

and that makes me worry about them. my 3 best friends and my one frenemy (add that to my dictionary). i'm terrified for them. i wonder if any of them are still virgins... i remember in 1999 the girls were having a contest sort of thing... who could get pregnant and have their baby the closest to the millenium. i never heard who won, but i know we sure had a lot more babies in the community that year. i wonder how many times they've been busted for drugs, how many accidents they've been in because of drunk driving. these last ones especially for my frenemy. his mother an alcoholic, his oldest brother convicted for vehicular homicide after his girlfriend died when he crashed his car into a bridge... because he was drunk. his favorite brother, the one he was closest to, the one who took care of him... the one who died of a drug overdose at 13 years old and left him no hope for his future. he was getting better, he was caring about himself and what became of him, but when pat died when we were in fifth grade... and then his mother came back from rehab, obviously not rehabilitated, he just stopped trying. he turned back into the fucked up kid that everyone knew was gonna go to prison or kill himself. there was a rumor a few years ago that a member of his family was gonna try and get him into st. mike's, but that never happened. and i suppose he's still alive, i haven't heard of a funeral for him or anything. but it just makes me wonder. i wonder how many of them still hate me because i'm a traitor and left them for st. mike's. i wonder if mario and shaun still remember me. i saw alicia summer of 2001 'cause we were in the same drivers ed class in spaña. she was exactly the same, but i realized i was completely different. little to no words were said between us... i regret that. haven't see or talked to her since. i haven't seen mario and shaun since that last day of sixth grade. and i never will. i'll never even try to find them.

it's a vicious cycle. the moment my parents plucked me from everything i ever knew and put me in st. mike's i knew i could never go back. i knew how the order went, hell i lived it. when someone left us for another school (unless they were moving out of state) we totally disowned them. they were dead to us. and if we ever did see them again, they weren't our friends. they never could be, because they left us. i knew that would happen when i left, and so i didn't even fight it. i still don't. if i see someone from pojoaque, i turn the other way and leave. i don't go into places where i know they'll be. and if i am near someone from pojoaque, i keep close to my mother... because no one ever fucked with my mom. she knew almost every parent in the valley, and if you fucked up in front of her, you knew that your parents were going to hear about it. which sucked double time for me, because everyone in the valley knew my family, and were always so ready to attack us if we messed up. i contribute my superior lying skills to that fact.

god, i was such a different kid back then. i can't believe i even survived. damn i didn't think sitting in church would make all that come back to me.

last night i was trying to write, and i just couldn't. i can only write when i'm in that particular state of mind that i hate and love. so i read over all my old stuff, and damn, i had it right all along. stuff i wrote back then, and forgot, i'm feeling like that now. i'm thinking like that now. same words, same phrases even, the same darkness and hatred for the world. and you know what? i didn't cry at all yesterday. that is definitely something to mark on the calendar.

i've rambled enough for today. i always start out with a plan for my rants, and always get off of it and never make any sense. but that's ok, just writing this makes it so much easier.

go hug someone today. or whenever you read this. just get up and hug someone. it really makes a difference. thanks.

"he was taking prozac... apparently it didn't work."

so ethan embry's character's remarks were the best part of that movie. that and oh my god that chick has a long neck...

so the results of movie day: met up with jess at one, got me another pair of jeans at dillard's (they were on sale), and got... non-lunch. i don't think i'm eating lunch anymore. but that's another post. so there it was, 1:50, and no one to be found. kyle said he was going to the movie with us and maybe bringing daivd, but we didn't see them, and they didn't come into the movie. hope they didn't come and look for us... so anyway we saw "they", and it was, um, lacking. i mean i like creepy weird shit like that but it had nothing. it was lifeless. i could probably take that script and whip it into a kick ass movie, but alas they didn't have me write the script. so yeah i was pretty much only going to see what kind of characters and plot and such was in it... and it did make me think of some things... but the ending totally sucked. not as bad as A.I. sucked, but close. and ethan embry's character was worth it. and now he's gonna be on dragnet... such a far throw out from freakylinks (3rd greatest show in the world to be cancelled). ah freakylinks, how i miss the freakyness. so as for "they": some people say it sucks, and i don't totally disagree with them, but i still liked parts of it because i was looking forward to it. so if you want to see it, go see it, but don't blame me if you think it sucks.

after laughing about that movie, we went and saw "8 crazy nights". priceless. absolutely priceless. surprisingly funny and great. i don't think anybody in the audience was laughing as much as we were... but the laughter was genuine. if you want to go see a good movie, go see 8 crazy nights. i'd even pay to see it again, and i'm a cheap ass so that tells you it's good.

ah movie day. well it got me out of the house and got me to blow $50, but i got a pair of jeans and some nice laughter out of it. this gets me ready for StarTrek X (or StarTrek Nemesis for those who prefer) on dec. 13. and then, what we've all been waiting for... The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers on dec. 18. i just finished reading The Two Towers last weekend, so i'm ready for it.

so i'm tired now. and it's barely 7:30. ah i've been listening to the new cd all day, and it's still wonderful. now i have 3 cds that are pretty much the same except for a couple of songs on each cd, and i love every single one of them. i couldn't just have the epic release of WHTA, i had to have the indie release of it too (and it is really exceptional... but then i'm biased). and i couldn't just have those two, i had to have the live cd too, and since their live shows always kick major ass the cd kicks major ass. it makes me so happy that they've had sold-out shows for (i think) the whole tour. that's why my cousin couldn't get me the live cd in LA... they sold out the roxy. i don't know it's just weird... it's like i have some personal tie to them, and that is definitely something that i don't feel with any other band i listen to. with the other bands it's just for music, for music to alter my moods (i think music does for me what drugs do for others). but with flickerstick it's more... on the level of my soul. the very first time i heard them play "direct line" on BOTR... it was like time stopped. i started shaking, and all i could hear was the music and brandin's voice. brandin's voice just cut right through my soul, and from that moment on i was hooked. i think some of my best emotional experiences have happened in the presence of a flickerstick song. no matter what i'm going through, or what condition my soul is in ("HOW IS YOUR SOUL?"), listening to flickerstick always makes it better... at least for an hour or so (enough for 13 tracks). so on the question of why i like flickerstick so much... that's why. damn just thinking about it... i could write some epic poetry right now, in the state i'm in.

i think i shall.

i haven't cried at all today... maybe things are looking up

movie day

so i'm going to see "they" at south at 1:50pm. if you guys wanna come, then by all means come! if not oh well not like i care i'm just going for ethan embry...

with love we will survive

oh. my. fucking. GOD. it's so amazing. i've died and gone to flickerstick heaven. ah no seeing them live would be flickerstick heaven. aaahhh i've been waiting for this since the end of this summer. and sayings have it that they're gonna be in the studio like in february. i was almost going insane waiting what, 10 days for this live cd? bah it doesn't matter it's here now and all is right with the world.

well actually the world is still pretty crappy but with flickerstick i will survive. mmm "with love we can survive". so true so true. ah for the past week i've just been living off of 3eb and flickerstick lyrics. let me tell you not the best week i've had here, no sir. no sir. should i get into specifics? i think i shall. i mean i know how worse it can get and at this point speaking my mind will not take me there.

so depression sucks. being extremely lonely sucks too. being depressed, extremely lonely, and feeling like you're slipping away from your friends ALL at the SAME TIME sucks even more. bah to clarify... so for the past couple of months i've been getting deeper and deeper into this big ugly monster and my social skills have really declined. a lot. i'm pissy to the few people that i love, and i don't do anything to make up for it. it's not that i don't want to apologize to them, it's just that... i don't see how i can apologize for something i can't control. and sometimes i don't want to apologize or even act nice to him. i just can't stand being around people lately. i just can't stand being around him when i'm feeling like such a failure and he's there to remind me of everything that i love and hate. he's there to remind me why i'm so fucking messed up. and i can't handle it anymore. which just makes it oh so much worse.

ah i didn't clarify at all did i? that and i just threw in another "him" into the mix. ah bah ha that's what people get when they want clarification.

"in the end the dreams you dream were all you ever were"

mmm black

fuck i just remembered i forgot my guitar. and i told myself yesterday not to forget it again. ah oh well not like it's too terribly important.

AAAAAHHHHH it just came in!!!!!!! oh my fucking god now i have to get off and listen to it so SEE YA

fuck reality

that did no fucking good. no fucking good at all. FUCK. bah.

i love my wood

i really love hanging around with all my thespians. they're so great, makes me smile. inside jokes are great too.

so anyway... i've said things have been weird lately. i've said that i don't like that they're weird. i've said that we're falling away from each other. all of which i still hold to. so yesterday was the first step. granted, it felt like hell and i felt horrible horrible horrible, but i couldn't sit there any longer.

i don't know what to do now. bah, like that hasn't been said a gazillion times before. it's been pointed out to me many times that i always say "i don't know" and that i never take a firm stance on most any subject. apparently it's annoying to people. but you know if i said out loud how i really felt, i'd have about 2 friends left, and i'd probably be happier that way.

so on for the semi- vow of silence. i'm damn quiet most of the time, but when i do talk... i don't know nothing comes out right, and when it does i get ripped by somebody who has a different view than me or who wants me to explain my unexplainable feelings. bah if they only read this blog maybe they'd chill on the kristin-hating. bah.

and now i just realized that i did it again. "i don't know". it's amazing how that little phrase can get so many people pissed at me.

so bah. i'm about two steps away from taking the plunge and telling them everything. which will pretty much be an end to our friendship, but what else can i do.

super bah

so i'm sitting here feeling totally crappy: with a headache, feeling really cold and hungry, my neck and back hurt, my contacts are being stupid, i had a major depressing day at school, and my emotions are totally out-of-whack. ah stupid emotions, sometimes i think i liked it better when i had none.

so when did i post last? ah yes saturday. pants and car kit day. so yesterday we took my brother to burque to my aunt and uncle's new house... weirdly i think they live close to mona... and the other thing: ok, i knew they were pretty loaded, but holy shit that house is... damn. i mean, damn. so yeah, that was interesting. and so now he's gone for LESS THAN TWO WEEKS! i have no idea how i'm gonna survive christmas break with him around. it's worse than this stupid shit i've been going through at school.

so that was yesterday. today... i was late getting out to school so i was speeding the whole way. it's been deathly cold out (deathly cold for this time of the month in northern new mexico), and of course i only wear my little excuse for a jacket every day. i get to school and who do i see: everyone except for alex. great. seeing daivd cheered me up though. run to locker. run to homeroom before the bell rings. listen to crazy people while filing nails. go to trig where i realize i didn't finish the stupid homework we had. oh well. screw that. go to guitar in which i have started to dislike that woman. but seeing daniel makes up for stupid teachers. go to religion and look: another stupid project. oh freaking joy. go to art and sit on our collective asses the whole period talking about the usual... drugs sex and rock and roll. seriously you should listen in to some of our conversations. then lunch... ah lunch. the only redeeming quality about lunch is the little remarks daivd and kyle make, and i'm the only one that hears them. priceless. then history, and history always sucks, as it did today. random talking with claire when we're interrupted and sudden depression mode kicks in. are we seeing a trend here? on to english and satan. bah english and it's stupid rules. i like spanish much better. again, random remarks by daivd made class semi-endurable.

oh yeah secret santas. we drew for secret santas at lunch, although i always hate doing secret santas. it's not that it's not fun, because it is, it's just that the little presents i give to my person are always soooo pathetic. and then i end up giving them duct tape and a lighter, so they automatically know it's me. aw fuck it i'm just gonna give him/her duct tape and matches and get it over with.

just fucking great. now i must finally finish research paper to turn in tomorrow.

if anyone knows how to get rid of emotions, the information would be greatly appreciated.

it's only saturday?!

bah i just remembered i still have to do homework. damn. oh well.

so i have no idea when borders is gonna get the cd, they don't even have any idea, so i broke down and asked my dad for his credit card so i could buy it at the connextion. two good things come from that: it's flickerstick's merch place, so they get the majority of the money from sales, and i get my cd in a relatively short amount of time (last time it took about 4 days counting sunday). so *hopefully* i'll have the cd by the end of the week. but it could take up to 2 weeks. i'm hoping no, but hey i've been able to wait 5 days without going totally insane, i should be able to last that long.

so i guess i was enjoying my being a single-child too much, 'cause it's complete hell with him here. i don't think i have any problem at all saying that i hate him, because i truly do. that was one thing that i was thankful for this thanksgiving... that he's gone for the most part.

i'm going to go absolutely insane for christmas break. i can't even think what it'll be like for summer.

ah well

'cause your his cheeseburger

so thanksgiving was pretty typical. pretty much the same relatives came over to my gram's, and we had lunch. i was feeling abnormally antisocial (and claustrophobic), and i think pretty much everybody there could tell. they sounded more pissed off at me than concerned... but as it is i like my mom's side of the family better... even if they are mentally unstable (and i'm not kidding on this one). my dad's side of the family (minus 3 cousins and a few great-aunts and uncles) drives me insane to the point that i have to leave the room... which is what i did yesterday. it really helps that i live two seconds away from my grandparent's house. just a little "um i'm gonna go get something at the house" and not come back for half an hour helps to calm me down.

so yeah yesterday was not the best. it probably could've been a lot worse. i meant to post something on the lines of what i was thankful for... but i never got to it. i couldn't really do anything yesterday. i didn't really do anything today. i want to go see "they" at 7:30 at villa linda south, but who knows if i'll actually do it. i'm just waiting around for something to happen. i'm waiting for the flickerstick cd, but right now i'm at the point that i'd go and buy it from whatever cd place has it. that will be my goal for tomorrow: go into santa, try to find the cd, get myself a much needed pair of jeans and whatever other sale clothes item i can find, and go see a movie (if i don't do it tonight).

things are getting worse. today i got a potential-offer-that-i-can't-refuse, and i might just take it.

i need you right now, but you're nowhere in sight. why can't you ever be here when i need you?

the greatest tragedy of all

27 Nov. 2002

only certain things can be healed with time. a soul is not one of them. when the soul is damaged, the whole person is damaged. every aspect of that person has been ruined, twisted around, beaten into compliance. the soul cries for help, cries to be healed, for the hardships and hell to be taken away. it cries to a god, but god is not there. god does not answer prayers, or help you in your need. god is not there for the soul. it cries to time, to take away its suffering. to renew its life and heal its blemishes. it cries to time to fix all things. but time does not listen. time is not a friend to the soul. time does not care, it has but one purpose… to keep going. the soul is restless. it cries out in pain. it cries out in despair. and finally, it just cries. because only one thing can heal the soul. the keeper of the soul searches for this one thing in vain. he searches ceaselessly. she searches in the wrong places. the keeper stumbles through the world, cursing god and cursing time, though the soul slowly deteriorates away. the keeper falls down, gets up, and falls again. lying on the floor, the keeper finds meaning. in darkness, the meaning of life becomes clear. and it cannot be searched for. no, and time cannot be cursed. time does not meddle with the affairs of the soul. lying on the floor, face-down, in darkness, the keeper finds meaning. and in this revelation, the keeper finds comfort. lying on the floor, the keeper finds logic, yet the soul remains crying. the keeper is reborn into the darkness, into the endless knowledge that it holds. the keeper rises up, and moves on. but a transformation has taken place, there, lying on the floor. the keeper found knowledge, and in this knowledge the keeper ceased to be a person. for the keeper cannot live without the soul, the soul cannot live without that which cannot be searched for. the soul is dying.

only certain things can be healed with time: the keeper, in time, will heal its wounds. the slashes made with the razor blade will heal and fade. the friendships that keeper has made will be mended and broken, mended and broken, and mended again. physical health will be achieved, although mental health will take longer. yes, in darkness the keeper will heal, yet he ceased to be a person long ago. she tried to move on, and failed. the soul is dying. the soul is dead. the world is hell, the keeper’s mind in ruins. nothing is well, nothing is as it should be, because he stopped searching. she found the knowledge in the darkness, and in that knowledge she stopped searching. the keeper receded into the mind, that which connects the keeper with the soul, and stayed there, refusing to try. the keeper stopped searching, stopped trying, stopped living. for what is the use of searching for something that cannot be searched for? what is the use of trying, when time and god have abandoned you? what is the use of living, just to be dead inside anyway?

the soul that cried for help was never heard. the soul that was dying was never cared for. the soul that is now dead lingers in the world, waiting for time to carry it away.

the dead soul is the greatest tragedy of all. all this torment and pain, surrender and death could have been avoided, if only the soul had felt that which cannot be searched for. just for one brief moment, the soul would live again, would thrive, and in that moment (since time does not meddle in the affairs of the soul), a lifetime would pass. the keeper would be whole again, the soul would be healed. he would be seen as a person. she would be seen as a person. they would be fixed, be uplifted, be seen as individuals. but only if that which cannot be searched for would come to the soul willingly.

yes, time may heal many things, but only that which cannot be searched for can heal the soul.
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ten imaginary dollars goes to the person who knows what the "something that cannot be searched for" is.

don't hire me as a babysitter

so my mom stepped out for like an hour so far, and left me with my little 5 year old genius cousin. he's everywhere. learning to read, so of course he has to read everything to me. they cut his hair... he doesn't like it short (and neither do i). he is definitely a genius.

so i love the science channel. that and desserts with jaques torres. ah the food network.

so i'm debating calling ALL of the cd places in santa and seeing if any of them has the flickerstick cd. i know i ordered it from borders, but i don't think they'll mind all that much if i get it somewhere else.

so i have absolutely no plans for this break. none at all. he is going to take my car... and they're going to let him. BAH! thank god ruben's here too, or else i think i'd go totally insane.

well children, i must be off. not that i have anything to do, but i just remembered... they might be trying to call me to say that they got the cd in!

so take a look in my direction

so today was... cold. and weird, but they've all been weird recently. so yeah. aside from jess' dream home (and the hidden basement... priceless), this school week would've been a complete waste of my time. i'm glad it's over, because everyone needs a break. and i need a break from... um... certain people. or shall i say certain person.

i never expected my bout of atheism to bring up that response. i really did not need that from you today, and frankly it shocked the shit out of me that you said that.

but not as much as this shocked me: SCAR CUT HIS HAIR!!!! we have a theory, that someone with high authority (aka the SS or hitler herself) thought his hair was too "unruly" or something to that manner, and made him cut it (because in our stupid dress code they can regulate things like hair being too "unruly"). that, or he had a bout with insanity and actually wanted to cut it. but yeah, it totally caught me offguard this morning.

besides that, today was pretty... typical. for what typical is recently.

i have this sort of half planned out plan for this weekend, and i've been thinking about it a lot, but the thing is we have to use my car for everything (because my mom's van is still wrecked), so i can't use it. AND he comes home tonight. oh joy. like ripping my fingernails off and eating them for dinner.

and hell begins

remind me to bitch-slap god

i've been insanely cold all day. it doesn't help that i have a flimsy little sweatshirt jacket thing that doesn't really keep me all that warm. bah. bah today. bah everyday.

i have no idea what it is. i just come in, sit down, and then promptly want to leave. get away from everyone and everything. even the people that i really like being around, that i really miss when they're not at school, i want to get away from them. i just... can't stand it anymore.

no one's true anymore. something's happened to all of us, and we aren't true to each other anymore. it's an underlying anger, or sadness or something. whenever we're together... it's never like it was. and that pisses me off.

old friends and lovers (minus the lovers) are brilliant things to keep around for a rainy day, but it's not like i'm contributing or feeling the benefits from the relationships. there was a time that i did, i felt loved and cared for, but now it just seems that we're keeping each other around only so we won't be alone. i don't know if it's just my *cough* depression *cough* that's making me feel this way or if it really is happening. i've been thinking about it for a few weeks now... i don't know, was it before drama? during drama? sometime during that time period, a dramatic subtle change happened, and none of us have been the same since.

i really haven't been the same since. i know that for sure. something really crappy happened inside my head, and now i can't go a day without feeling this shit.

"so let it rain, rain on... i'm causing a catastrophe..."

only flickerstick can calm me down. ah, flickerstick can never be too loud.

i really need to write some more epic poetry like i used to, that really used to work well with my moods.

i will not say anything more about the live cd. if it comes in tomorrow, then it comes in tomorrow. if it doesn't, well, oh well.

my head hurts

ah, that's why i don't wear my hair up... coldness gives me headache... aaahhh

so apparently hastings is being stupid, because they still don't have it in their computers, but borders does, and i special-ordered it from the new borders on zafarano. i had no idea there was a borders there. so now i will use my $12 something left on my hastings card for the car kit, and get causing a catastrophe from borders.

if they don't have it by tuesday, i'm gonna be pissed.

i've been listening to 3eb a lot lately... i forgot how much i loved them. it really is an exceptional cd. if i had a cd player in my car i would definitely be listening to it nonstop.

wow this is really weird i'm sleepy and my head hurts, and my neck is cold because i still have my hair up. wait a second... ok ah there i put it down. feels better now.

i apparently don't have that much to say so i'm gonna go now.

a good day

today was a good day. i felt good (getting 12 hours of sleep really helps). i don't really have any homework at all this weekend, and i got new nail polish at superwalmart. ah by the time i die i'm gonna have five billion different colors of nail polish. also, we went to church at 5:30, which means i get to sleep in tomorrow. got home, had spaghetti for dinner.

yes, today was a very good day.

hastings has causing a catastrophe on their site, so that means they should get it in for tuesday's release. i must call them tomorrow and make sure that they'll have it, because if they don't i'll have to go over to borders and get it there, which is sort of a bummer because i have a gift card for hastings. but then again i think i'll have to use that money for the car kit. ah well i have to get that figured out before tuesday.

things i have to do tomorrow: paint my nails with my nice new nail polish. find out if/when i'm going into santa to do that stupid history project. while i'm in santa i have to go to michael's or the mall to get a t-shirt for silk screening. then sometime between then and monday morning i'm gonna have to work on editing the research paper and doing the works cited page. bah.

and then TWO DAYS OF SCHOOL! ah i love 5 day weekends. and then what, 3 weeks until christmas break. ah i can't wait... and yet i can. weird things have been happening lately. days just keep getting weirder and weirder...

ah well i'm done for the night.

almost as confusing as the language of northern new mexico

not that laura needs any help, she sounds pretty boston-ized to me, but...

To All You Old Bostonians (a language guide)

could i be you

bah. so i guess i have to blog now about the past couple of days huh.

bah.

well they haven't been the best days ever. pretty weird and not all that nice to me emotionally. so yesterday was bad. really bad. i was chilling at school like usual, trying to be me, and all of a sudden at lunch it hits me. and it hits me hard. sitting, not really talking 'cause i was eating (or trying to), and listening to everybody else at the table, and this wave of fucking depression just fucking kills me. just takes the breath from me. and i'm just trying to stay calm because i'm sitting with my friends and i don't want to just go off right there, but it was really hard for me to stay sitting there. i just wanted to go find some dark place and lay down and die. but noooo, i had to go to 6th period with the psycho substitute.

i just can't function when i'm in depression mode. there are a few things that i want to do when it hits me: sleep, cry for a really long time, get as far away as possible from all people, blow up and tell everybody off, run away (like pack up get in my car and go). and recently, since i'm trying really hard no to think about suicide (because in seventh grade after i almost actually did it i said i would never come close to it again), i think about cutting. yeah i know, what a pathetic person she is you're saying. but believe me, if i could change it (without medication) i would.

so yesterday was not nice. i totally just pushed away and pissed off pretty much everybody but claire (thank you claire), which made me feel so much worse than i already did. and then today was pretty much feeling the backlash from everything from yesterday. still in depression mode, just not as bad as yesterday.

how i know that it was the same shit that i felt for the worst 2 years in my life: my little bout with ocd came back. when i start tapping, it is really not a good thing. ah, i love self-diagnosis.

sad part is i know exactly what set it off. but i am not going to get into it because that is way too personal for me to feel comfortable with talking about on the blog. actually, at all, but i never talk anyway.

good thing: got my research paper pretty much done. and i didn't procrastinate at all.

ok. done. listening to matchbox 20. i really like this.

um... woah.

damn. that's the one thing about becoming attached to a blog... you feel you know the person, when you really don't. i have no freakin idea. i just want to reach out to these people, and talk to them, and... i don't know, feel closer to them than just reading words on a blog. but damn.

i know that pretty much no one knows what that is in response to, but... i can't explain now. i still have my headache from last night. i feel useless and worthless and very very tired. life gets to be too much to walk through sometimes. this week, i'm going to sleep through it. screw school. it doesn't matter. only my sanity does.

i need to talk to someone. i just need to sit down with a certain someone (and no i don't know who that is) and just pour my freakin mind out. talk therapy only works when somebody cares. i only work when someone cares. and i right at this moment i feel like no one cares about me. which is a load of shit because i know that they do. i'm well aware that i have people who care about me around me every day... i just can't seem to feel it. i hate feeling alone.

i just need to get away from everything. i need to get away from my family... it's killing me. this house. this town. this whole fucking state. kyle's right. this place is a total hell-hole.

"you're laughing aloud at just the thought of being alive... and i'm just wondering could i be you tonight"

so i went to hastings and got matchbox twenty's new cd. it's great. i've had them in my head for the last month. that and staind and my own prison. music is wonderful. absolutely wonderful.

i want to email him, but i have nothing to say. i don't want to sound fake, made up, routine. i want to be real. but real coming from someone you don't know isn't all that easy to pull off.

i need to sleep.

and no alex, i'm not ok. i'm never ok. i never have been ok. i don't think i'll be ok for a long time yet.
.
.
oh yeah, and comments are always appreciated.

i really dislike...

so i was sitting in history today, getting verbally bitch-slapped by the raving psycho, and thinking, dumbass... why can't you just shut up... we're not gonna change the way we do things, and besides you're making yourself look like a complete ass, not to mention using a lot of energy over this, so why don't you just shut the fuck up?! i honestly hate it. she bitches at us for "complaining" and then she goes and fucking complains because teaching us is soooooo hard.

aaaaaahhhhhh. my head hurts. you know what i dislike? mood swings. they fucking suck. i'm surprised anyone can stand to be around me now. i'm such a freak. ah yes i was thinking about that what, yesterday, and how very true it was. ah... it makes a lot of sense... sort of like how me and david had the revelation that we're a nazi society (or something like that). ah, friday was a good day. anyway yeah i've been having a bunch of little epiphanies lately, and they all make perfect sense.

at least, to me they do.

that's the other thing: i'm well aware that most of the time no one knows what the hell i'm talking about. before i was more... profound in my out-loud revelations. now i keep half of my out-loud revelations to myself, so people only catch my last apocalyptic phrase, and think i'm insane. sometimes i think i'm insane. but sometimes it really pisses me off, that none of my friends understand me. and who knows, maybe they really do, like really really do, but i'll never be so close to them as to find out.

that's another think that i've come to dislike: people leaving. so i know that in about a year and a half all of us will go off to different colleges, and i'm pretty sure that once they leave, i'm just about never going to see them again. which is really extremely hard for me, because this is the first group of friends that i've had that i actually love. that's right, i said it, love. i'd do just about anything for them. i can't handle people i really care about leaving. thinking about it, i can't handle a lot of things. but what always pulls me through whatever shit my head decides to throw at me is my friends. fuck, if it wasn't for them, i would be dead right now. i don't think i ever thanked you for saving my life... i don't think that you knew that you did, but you did. in a time when all the shit i was going through got too much for me, you kept me from killing myself.

wow. pathetic rambling turned into something i don't usually do... open up...

bah. i'm too tired to bother.

meats of evil...

so yeah. it's sunday morning. got home at 11:25 last night, 5 minutes before curfew (haHA). now i have to do research paper. thankfully i started it on friday in class, so i at least know where i'm going with it. now, i still don't know how long it'll actually take me, but at least i'm being hopeful for once.

so hopefully this week will be very very good, and will go by very very fast. gotta go into hernandez's again tomorrow because my tooth is being stupid again. then sometime this week, like thursday or friday, we're gonna go over to... um... like baillos (or ballios... whatever) and see if we can find a cd player for my car. go price things and such. i would say we'd go to audio express but the last time me and chris went there it looked a little shady... and we're from spaña so we're used to that sort of thing, so if we don't like something because it's shady, that's a big sign that we should stay the hell away from it.

so yeah. damn i don't want to get off the net. oh well. i'm tired of hearing my dad say "are you working on homework?" that totally pisses me off. so i guess i shall get it all done by 1:30 so i can say haHA. bah.

while surfing the regular waves i caught this post. i think it's a pretty accurate description of what depression feels like. among other things, but it's still pretty accurate.

damn now i'm gonna be thinking about invader zim all day.

the drama. ah the drama.

so once again it's over.

but not without a few stories to tell.

so for one: thursday rolls around. ok, opening night, we've never had a full run-through, i just totally fucked up our duo the day before, and life fucking sucks. my mom got majorly pissed at me thursday morning, yelling, all the regular shit i have to put up with, and of course i just sit there being silent because i really didn't want to get into it then. didn't want to tell her everything about me... how i'm fucking depressed all the time and how i'm now an atheist and everything else. while i was ignoring her (she starts yelling i tune out) i was thinking "wouldn't you fucking be sorry if you being mad and yelling at me and acting like a complete ass made us get into a wreck and i get hurt and you'd feel SO FUCKING BAD?!!!". so yeah. then of course i thought no no that would be sooooo terrible for so many reasons.

sometimes i think i should just make my mind shut the fuck up because for two:

same day after school we go to run errands and get food. i've cooled off by now, just chilling. but she's raving... upset about everything she has to do for opening night and such. and guess what. we get in a fucking car accident. our fault too. well not "our", but "her". we rear ended this SUV, so of course no damage to them, but our van is fucked. we had it towed home. i had to go with the tow guy to show him where our house was, so at 6pm we get home, i pay the guy, get my car, drive to the station to get gas, drive like a maniac to santa, get subway for my dinner, and get to school at about 6:55. five minutes before curtain. so yeah. the great thing though was that it was a great performance. everyone was wonderful. my guys were absolutely great. i only minorly messed up once, and show closed... it timed at about 1 hour 15 minutes. wonderful.

my dad wasn't mad about the van at all. he's so great. he's just like "it's only a car. as long as you guys are ok." a real relief for me because i cannot deal with arguments in this house anymore. not that i could to begin with, it's just i don't really expect them any more now that chris is gone. which is something different. so.

so yeah. yesterday was pretty chill, schoolwise. missed homeroom and first period on account of the insane amount of ice on the highway. thankfully i got to school in one piece.

after school was fine, no incidents like on thursday. at least, not by us. got food and went back to school to eat and chill a bit before people started showing up at 5. it was regular play experience, minus all the wonderful people that left us because they graduated. but catte came and watched us, so that made me really happy. again, the show was great, except that me and david messed up ours. i was really mad at myself for fucking up so badly, with everybody there in the audience, but just as before we kept going and it played out nicely.

i met owen for the very first time ever last night. four months after first hearing about him, i finally meet him. but that's ok, as long as alex is happy i don't mind if i never get to meet the guy.

cast party was typical. if not a little... small. all i can say is that i'm very glad that it's over with. i love drama and being with everybody (minus the children... bah i hate the children), but i'm always so relieved when it's over.

so that's pretty much it. i'm sure there was a lot of other things i forgot to mention, but i've been on the net for 2 hours, and i have to get on my homework if i expect to go to david's tonight.

more blogging later when i have more energy.

fuck this computer

i really truly hate this computer. HATE IT! bah stupid thing has already froze twice on me in the past hour, it just totally freaked out and now the sound is up full and can't be changed. i was listening to a cleavage song and it just started blasting and I COULDN'T TURN THE FUCKING THING OFF! i really really really hate this computer. i would hit it if my parents weren't sitting 5 feet away from me.

so yeah. fuck this computer. a perfect fucking ending to a fucked up day.

I HATE THIS!

nas ne dogonjat

i have a bad feeling about this week. so far, so crappy. hopefully everyone will get their act together tomorrow and we'll have a real kick ass rehearsal so i won't have to kill someone on thursday.

i really hate those little sevies.

so i've been driving the olds for about 4 days now, and i think i might run out of gas tomorrow. the gage is off i think... when i accelerate, it goes up. when i slow down, it goes down. i have like 1/8 of a tank left, and i have no idea if that's enough to make it into santa. but oh well i didn't go fill it up tonight so i guess tomorrow i'll be really lucky or really thankful that i have a cell phone for another month.

i don't like adults. i've been thinking about that a lot lately. i really don't enjoy being in the presence of adults. especially my friends' parents. i mean, they don't know me, they have no idea about teenagers (and i know they use the argument that they were teenagers once but really it doesn't work... no teenager is the same, and the times have definitely changed), and they treat us like kindergardeners, if not worse. in their eyes, we have no idea what the fuck we're talking about. we don't have the right to make our own decisions, behave like ourselves. now i know that there may be a few cool adults out there, but i'm speaking from personal experience with the adults i've been around. i don't enjoy being near adults. i don't like hearing what they have to say about the world, about what teenagers are like and how we're gonna have a tough time in the future. i don't like getting advice from them. i don't like hearing them give other teenagers advice. i don't like listening to them say that the way we dress or present ourselves or talk or think is disrespectful. i hate when they ask me about "how things are going". but above all, i hate it when they think they know me. when they talk about me like they know me, like they know what i'm going through or how i feel. if you really want to piss me off, just do that. i'll guarantee you it'll work every time.

because of all these reasons, i am usually always silent or near silent when i'm in the presence of adults. when i go over to my friends' houses and their parents are there (with the exception of michele) i'm always quiet. antisocial. ungrateful. angry. all of the above. so i just keep to myself, follow around my friends and take cues from them until we're away from their parents. it's not that i have something against that specific parent, i just dislike adults as a whole.

if i just pissed off any adults (or others) that might have stumbled across this blog, oh well. this is my blog. go get your own and say something about it.

terrible.

so today was a weird day. i think it's because last night was a weird night. ok, so you know how when you have a really amazing dream, when you wake up you can never remember it? well, the dream wasn't "amazing", but i remembered it. a lot, if not most of it. and so when i got to school i wrote it down in the jounal that i have yet to really start using, because they say you're supposed to write down your dreams (or do they? aw, oh well). anyway, so here it is, as i wrote it down. the things that i'm adding now to further clarify it are in parenthesis. amazingly, i can still remember it:

so we were standing in the lobby at school, waiting, afraid. (we, being me, a couple other girls, and a lot of other teenagers.) it was like prison... it felt like prison. (now you have to understand, ever since the nazi came into power at st. mike's, we all feel that the school has become a prison. so it's not hard to imagine us being imprisoned in the lobby.) there were about... 7 guys (also teenagers) standing around, sort of guarding us. they were sorta... superhuman. i know, weird. so the thing is, there was this one guy/guard that i noticed. immediately i was attracted to him. he was wearing a red shirt/sweater with a stripe across the center. (i know that details are important in dreams, so i'm trying to remember it all.) i remember the shirt/sweater, but not his face. anyway, me and a couple of girls decide to make a break for it, so we run out the door into the gym. we're running top speed, one girl in front of me, one girl behind me. i glance behind me and i see that girl about to be picked off by the "guards", so i keep running. we get outside, she (the girl in front of me) runs straight, i turn to my left and try to hide behind something, try to lose the one guy that was chasing me. i do, he runs off to get the other girl, and so i think that i'm safe. but i keep running. out of the corner of my eye i see Him (red sweater guy). somehow i know that i can't outrun him, so i just give up. i sit down on the ground with my head buried in my hands. he has this red blanket. like, outstretched in front of him, you know like when you're trying to catch something? so i was feeling all doomed, well not doomed but like helpless. thinking it's all over. but he comes over to me, puts the red blanket on me, and just holds me. and then i'm not afraid anymore. i feel really safe. (safe, and loved. like he knew what i was feeling. like he knew me, knew inside me, and loved me.) and then I WAKE UP! isn't that so typical. but yeah. it was amazing.

i know that i've thought this before, but i've never verbalized it: i never feel so safe as when i'm in the arms of a guy who cares about me. i don't know what it is, but yeah. the feelings in that dream were intense. intense fear, the exhiliration of trying to escape, the terror of almost being caught, the sadness and fear of giving up, and then the intense love and warmth and safety i felt with him. bah. why can't guys like this actually exist, and not just in my head?! i don't know. so if anybody that reads this knows what dreams mean, you mind trying to decypher mine? i'd try to myself, but i think i'd be biased, me having the dream and all.

so yeah. wow. so now i have to get off and do english. oh joy.

every little thing you do is tragic

so today's full dress rehearsal was all in all pretty bad. not the worse that we've ever had, i don't think, but it was definitely up there. the worst part is we have a bunch of sevies in the one act, and they don't know how to ad-lib. i was pretty disappointed at peter too but he did a lot better than little ryan. but hey i have to remind myself that he is just learning. he isn't used to having to make something up off the top of his head when he forgets a whole part of his lines.

so yeah. 4 days. not a lot of time. and i haven't practiced enough with david to know if i'm forgetting a lot of lines. but as it is i can always skip through the script... it's pretty much the same thing over and over and over.

and now this DAMN COMPUTER threw me off AGAIN!! after it already froze TWICE TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! computer, i hate you.

meaningless words

so i'm feeling better than i did last night. 12 hours of sleep can really calm me down a lot. i don't know how the fuck i got into depression mode then, but i do know that i really don't like it. makes me feel like complete shit. apparently trying to talk about it doesn't help either... just makes me sink deeper (thanks though, i know you were trying to help). so yeah a new day, and so far i'm just mildly pessimistic. which is a step up from how i usually am.

so news of the day: dad got the car up and running. he wants me to drive it today, to see how i like it. i have a feeling that i'll like anything that doesn't run like the '88. i haven't checked to see if it has a cd player (i don't think so), but if it doesn't - that's still ok. if it has a tape player i'm gonna have to go buy a car kit, 'cause i don't know what i'd do without music.

i'm supposed to go over to kyle's place at noon to do that stupid history project. history is terrible terrible terrible. but as it is now, i could never forgive myself for getting under 4.0 because of that stupid class. so of course, i'm going. i don't know if i'll actually find his damn house, god only knows how people can get around in el dorado. but getting minorly lost again really doesn't appeal to me. but the directions sound sort of simple, so hopefully i won't have to use my cell today and look like a dumbass calling because i'm lost.

but enough of that. what i actually got on the net for was to say this:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX!

different alex, people. a guy alex. it's scary, i always look at him and think that we're the same age, i forget that he's 2 years younger than me. but it's all fine. hope you have a great day alex, and come visit us once and a while.

well i have to go, to be able to leave at 11:15ish to go to el dorado. so bye all.

and again

elise:

You have a need to communicate and express yourself. You are inclined to over intellectualize, and hate to be misquoted. You have a diplomatic flair to your nature. Equality and fairness are important to you. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You try to be prudent. You have good business acumen. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood.

this still freaks me out.

ah life

i don't know what to say. i feel totally lost without them, yet they're DRIVING ME INSANE!

i miss my friends who could get where i was coming from.

thinking of going to atzlan, blowing my money, and getting myself royally fucked up. that or buying myself clothes that actually fit. all black. heavy mascara/eyeliner and piercings wouldn't hurt either. while we're on the subject of what would make me feel better, i must find a razor blade. if not for actual cutting, then for a nice reminder of how fucked up my head is.

fuck life and fuck school. i'm getting out while i'm still slightly sane.

that is all

ah poor things... they have to be at school in half an hour for NHS inductions. such a waste of time. i was so mad last year that i had to go on my birthday, that now i'm just not going at all. they didn't say that it was mandatory to be there, so i'm not going. yeah.

so now that i have money i want to go to borders or somewhere and get the new tatu cd. kyle said that it was awesome. so maybe this weekend when i'm not working on the research paper i'll run into santa and pick it up.

where is everyone today? i've been on the net for 45 minutes and NO ONE is on AIM. bah i think i'm gonna get a new screen name... and i'm still intent on finding out who has pyro165 and asking them if i could have it. but that would cause some confusion to all their friends, now that i think about it. oh well maybe i'll just use some alias that's not pyro. like... um... oh who am i kidding that is my only alias.

i was really tired this week. tired tired tired. horrible. bah. so because of my tired mind and my on-and-off bouts with stupid sickness i haven't been able to get through the whole script without having to look at it. kyle quoting david's lines doesn't help much either, but that is something that i will just have to look past. bah but it's so much harder... he starts talking and i listen to him and i get LOST in the script. why do i always feel that i have to listen to my friends when they talk? i mean i can block out a lot of other people (this causes great confusion when they're actually trying to carry on a conversation with me), but i can't do it with my friends. oh well.

so tonight's the flickerstick show at the roxy. *hopefully* my cousin found someone to go and get the cd for me. if not, then i'll just have to wait til the 26th and get it in hastings or somewhere.

thank you alex for the duct tape and flickerstick lighter. i love them. but you knew that already.

so yeah. i'm tired. and hungry. gonna go now. byebye.

it's my party and i'll cry if i want to

ok so yesterday's comment was over the top. i really meant it at the time, but thinking back on it, i know that it really wasn't a nice thing to say... even if i do feel like saying it to that person often. well, the past week, but i think i've been overly moody and such, you know with the drama thing and all. i mean, 6 days people. 6 days of rehearsal and we haven't even gotten through the show once. ah but that's something that i'm not going to worry about now.

so yeah. seventeen. i can get into R rated movies now... without having to get laura to pay for me. AAAHHH my wrist really hurts right now but i'm determined to keep blogging. so yeah it's scary... to think that in one year i'll be 18... that's just crazy. wow i really need to use better vocabulary... i just noticed, have i been spelling scary wrong for the past year?? is that how you spell it? wow so much for using a dictionary.

so the surprise of the night: I GOT A FLICKERSTICK T-SHIRT! and here's the kicker... guess who it's from... chris!!!!! that totally caught me offguard... but in a good way. i don't know what i'm gonna do/say about that, but i suppose i'll write him an email and thank him continuously for it. sorta makes me feel bad that i didn't get him anything for his birthday... but then again he is the older one, he's supposed to be more mature than me. i still have a couple more years. oh well i can't think about that anymore, it's just... too broad of a topic for me to get into.

so yeah. birthdays. pretty nice. i still love when alex gives me little notes to cheer me up... the birthday note/card was priceless. made me so happy this morning. of course she always makes me happy. except when she's sad, when she's sad it makes me sad. a sad alex is not a good thing. most people will agree with me on that.

so yeah i've found a couple of blogs that i've been reading regularly. one i've already mentioned before. definitely a must read. and the other one is pretty good too. of course, i'm biased... he's got a link to wwdn and he talks about startrek theory. ah gotta love it. so yeah... adding them to the blogs on the left of the screen. that way i won't have to type in the address every time, just point and click. that's how i get around the net... i do enough typing here on the blog.

bah. i'm all out of interesting things to say. of course i could go on and on and on about green jello... ah speech class, such a joke.

but anyway... since i'm too lazy to write you guys emails tonight, i'll just say this generally:

I LOVE YOU!

there alex, that phrase deserves more than 12 point, doesn't it?

bye now.

what're the odds...

you know sometimes i just want to tell that child

FUCK OFF

but then again i'm way too non-confrontational. oh well.

6:42 and nothing is well.

that is all.

i know who i want to take me home

so we saw jackass:the movie. i'll just leave it at that. still want to go see the ring, though.

bah now it's monday night, and i have to do my english homework that i didn't do yesterday. oh yeah and

THEY FIXED ME! went into hernandez' office after the movie and they fixed the wire, so now my tooth doesn't hurt anymore when i drink cold things! ah the pain was horrible horrible horrible but now it's ok. yay for people who know what they're doing! i really am an abnormal child... i don't like to talk on the phone, i don't like to drive, i don't like to just go out and party, and i actually like having braces.

wow i don't know if my parents should be proud or really concerned...

i think my car's about to die... it's really scaring me... i hope my dad gets the papers signed so i can have the other car. just think how much i'm not gonna want to drive if the '88 dies on me.

ah well i'm actually going to do english when i get off.

no really, i am.

now i've seen it all...

kristin:

You have good recuperative abilities and strong mental determination. You are very private and dislike others prying into your affairs. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You are relatively demonstrative in your affections. You enjoy being stroked verbally and physically. You try to be prudent. You have good business acumen. Your privacy is important to you. You have a rich inner life. You need to learn to give and receive love for love's sake. You have a need to be assured of affection. You can handle details well. You have a methodical mind.

pyro:

You don't fair well under inharmonious conditions. You are very peace loving. You can get very upset when you are frustrated. Your independence and freedom are important to you. You have a lack of confidence in your mental abilities and do not like being forced into giving your opinion. You have a great deal of loyalty to those you love. You have much inner strength.

-------------------------------------------------------

ok that was scarey. go here and check it out for yourself. see if it scares you like it did me.

now that that's over with...

IT'S A SNOW DAY!!!! yay for snow days. my mom was gonna keep me home from school anyway, 'cause it really snowed a lot here. it's quite amazing. good thing too... i never finished my english.

i don't know what i shall do. i suppose i will get back on the net roughly 5 more times today.

now i'm being summoned to go see a movie. bah but i DON'T WANT TO DRIVE. ah well i guess i can suck it up and go, given that i never go...

damn that name thing is still weirding me out...

closing time

i was gonna make sugar skulls for día de los muertos, but alas, i forgot. next year i'm gonna skip halloween altogether (except for rocky horror) and just do día de los muertos. much cooler and it has more cultural background. i can totally get into it. plus i get to be a little weird about it too.

"every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"

so i finally got all of "believe" downloaded. apparently mp3.com got a format change or something, but i can actually download whole songs now, instead of only 51% of it. so yeah i did that. while doing that i also said that i'd only listen to the song once a day so i wouldn't play it out... like i did with beautiful. but all that changed once i got the cd, i mean how can i not like a flickerstick song? exactly.

with that said, i finally sent out the email. stupid me, sitting here looking at the calendar: if he does get the cd for me and bring it for thanksgiving, i'll have it the last week of november. guess when it gets released for retail sale... november 26. but hey this way i might get the cd signed and get some more merch, added onto that i might get flickerstick some more fans...

but that all depends on that he can go (or get someone else to go) to the show. ah well again with the win-win situation.

my parents are going to set up the set today, and i'm being summoned to help. i have homework so: if i get it done before they leave, i must go with them... if i don't get it done before they leave, i'll have to stay up and do homework (cause i probably won't finish for a couple of hours knowing me). ah the dilemma. bah i might as well just do it and get it over with.

going to mass on saturday nights is nice. i get to sleep in on sunday. it is very interesting though, to hear father talk about all this god stuff and see everybody around me hanging on his every word and agreeing with him and being so... religious. i can't get it anymore. it's just too weird.

my new unlogical idea: stupid me believes in ghosts. now doesn't this just fuck up everything i said before. i'm just gonna retract everything i've said about what i believe, because really i have no finite idea of what the hell i believe. i'm still leaning toward there being no god though. ah won't my family freak when they find out i've turned atheist.

that is, if they ever find out...

bah on to homework

all souls day

it's plan your epitaph day, and i couldn't think of one. nothing clever. nothing at all. but then again i didn't really try all that hard. bah i'm still tired, and i did mostly nothing the whole day. oh well.

bah. nothing to say.

think i'm slipping back into depression. that's never good. ah well what can i do.

bah... to clarify

i love what brandin said about the lyrics to the songs... he tries to make them as vague as possible. i do that constantly when i talk to people about personal stuff. try to be as vague as possible. which is a good thing (it keeps my paranoia down) and a bad thing (i don't think my friends really know me). but being now that i have more than one reader, i guess i'll have to clarify some stuff that i say on this blog.

which is, in itself, quite hard for me. oh well.

soooooo... it has been pointed out that i speak about a "him" on and off in this blog. i still won't give any names because i don't want the "him" to know it's "him". well, in the case of one "him" ("him 2"), i haven't seen him in 4+ years, so i guess i could talk more about that. but in the case of the first "him" ("him 1") that i spoke of (directly after i started this blog back in august), i've stopped posting anything about him because, well, i figure it's not healthy for me to constantly talk about him. that and i'm determined to "get over him", although there has never been anything to "get over". again with the vagueness. oh well in this case i will always be very, very vague.

ah, i have 10 minutes, so i guess i can keep going.

so. ok. in the case of "him 2" that i haven't seen in 4+years: so for my last 3 years of school in pojoaque, i had 3 best friends, alicia, mario, and shaun. god, just writing about them makes me remember them. so anyway, mario, shaun, and i were always together at school. always. our teacher actually called us "the trio" or something similar to that. they could always make me laugh no matter what crappy mood i was in. when everyone else was stabbing me in the back, they were always there by my side, defending me, being what best friends should be. they are the only people that i really regret not keeping in touch with when i left pojoaque. we were all in the same class, but shaun was a year younger than us. and you could tell. i mean, like now, when people are saying their age, you can really tell the 15 year old from the 16-17 year olds. their just not on the same level as the older people. that's how it was with shaun. i loved him dearly, but if it was him or mario, i always felt closer to mario. we just clicked better. i mean, as much as a 10-11-12 year old boy and girl could. so anyway yeah. i've been thinking about mario for a few months now, wondering whatever happened to him. wondering what would happen if i ever happened to meet up with him again. i'll never know. i'll never ever go up to one of my "old friends" from pojoaque and ask them.

so now that that's over with, i will make the same vow with "him 2" as i did with "him 1", but for slightly different reasons. i will not speak of him in this blog again. except of course to clarify things, that is.

update: there alex, does that help, or not?

waiting

so here i am, sitting, surfing blogger, waiting for anything to happen. so yeah it's halloween. i'm sitting here doing nothing just as i have most all other halloweens. but hey i'm used to it by now.

so writing in that journal wasn't as fulfilling as i thought it would be. granted i only had 15 minutes to write in it, but still... it was pretty sad. if i had written a first post like that on a blog it would be worthy to delete. but alas, that's what happens when you write on unlined paper. i really think it's the fact that the jounal isn't lined that's making it so hard for me to write. ah stupid me but i've already started writing so i've already ruined the book, might as well keep on trying.

i was thinking today... i have great friends. really, truly, wonderfully great friends. i wish i could've had them forever, instead of going through all that back-stabbing and unloyal crap. bah I MISS HIM!!!

more on that maybe never.

"that was a very sarcastic paper, little one"

so yeah. i don't know what grade i got for it but the fact that she commented didn't make me feel any more at ease.

so the news of the century: well actually it's the only prominent thing that's happened to me recently:

I GOT IT! that's right children, i got flickerstick's original Welcoming Home The Astronauts. it's just as wonderful as the epic release. except that it's the original, which makes it extra special. you can really tell the difference in the songs. for one: they have some background noise in it, which makes it really cool. i was driving in my car listening to it this morning and like a kid screamed in "sorry wrong trajectory" and it scared the shit out of me. but it was really cool. aaahhh i love it. for two (for two? only i could use these phrases in my everyday speech and think nothing of it): the lyrics are different. like, in some places they have the full lyrics, in other places they just have instrumental where in the epic release they had another lyric... aaahhh it's madness i tell you brilliant madness!!!

really this is so exceptionally wonderful. it has "coke" with the naked lyric still intact, it has the good version of "beautiful", it actually has "right way to fly", and yes, the intro in "sorry, wrong trajectory" does go on for an exceptionally long time. the good thing about the epic release is, well, it's a "professional studio" sounding release (but is that better? hmm...), it's actually available at music stores, and it has "smile" and "execution by x-mas lights" on it. minus "right way to fly". but that's ok.

so yeah, 2 cds down, one to go. now i just have to actually write that email...

aaahhh i was talking to matt yesterday and i remembered why i love drama so much.

the possums.

so since david is apparently a really quick memorizer, i'm going to have to actually memorize some pages tonight. i haven't yet started to write in the journal, and i don't know if i will. i'm still too paranoid to actually keep a journal, but i figure i can always buy one of those fire-proof little safes that they have at superwalmart. that or take it with me everywhere so certain people won't get their hands on it...

ok, here's a problem that i'm having... have you ever had this friend within your group of friends that, um, isn't really your friend? like, in the group you can stand being with them, but you wouldn't volunteer to spend any more time with them any other time? so yeah, that's kinda what's going on. kinda. my moods change really frequently lately, so i don't know how i'll feel about it later. chances are that it'll pretty much be the same. i don't know. i try not to dwell on that very much.

ok, cd just ended. i'm off to do homework.

sarcastic much?

ok, so i'm debating actually turning this paper in for a grade. see if it's a little too sarcastic... comments are welcome ONLY if they're about if i should turn it in, not about what i actually wrote. i know that i have no knowledge on political things and this whole US/Iraq issue. i'm very aware that i have no right to say anything 'cause i don't know a damn thing about it. it's just that it's an actual assignment, and a 20% is better than a zero. just remember: this is a very sarcastic paper.

Question: Do you think we should go to war with Iraq?

No, I don’t think we should go to war with Iraq. It’s a stupid idea. So ok, crazy Saddam has nukes. Who cares? We’ve got nukes. I’m more worried about our mentally unstable president with nukes than I am their mentally unstable president with nukes. I mean, their whole thing is (besides hating us in general) that they hate Bush/Bush administration. So I say ok, get rid of Bush. It’s not like we were overly-thrilled when Florida got him into office in the first place. Get rid of Bush, put someone else in charge. Someone who will actually think before going off and killing everyone. Hasn’t Bush done enough damage already? I mean, just because he followed through with the whole “War on Terrorism” thing doesn’t mean anything. Whichever person got elected (*cough* Gore *cough*) would’ve responded pretty much the same way to the whole September 11 episode. Just because Bush didn’t majorly mess up doesn’t mean he’s a great president, or even one we can trust. He’s mentally unstable. In other words, I feel really safe with him having access to nukes. Uh huh. Can you smell the sarcasm in this paper…

I feel that we should not go to war with Iraq. I don’t see why we should attack them because they “might attack us”. Even with all the information (and misinformation) about Iraq having huge nuclear capability or barely any nuclear capability, we shouldn’t go off and start a war with them. It’s like if some guy in your neighborhood was mad at you and started collecting guns, you wouldn’t buy yourself a handgun and go shoot him in the head because he might come after you. Well actually, I guess that’s exactly what Bush is doing, now isn’t it?

mmm transvestites...

i really want a pair of 6 inch heels like he has. they're great.

so yeah watched rocky horror yet again last night. i can never get enough of it.

i was surfing through the other blog's archives, looking for this link. it's almost plan your epitaph day! i encourage everyone to do this. even if you do plan on being cremated.

that's all.

nothing really matters...

so i'm a little worried about myself. i'm actually considering starting to journal. the one thing that i vowed i would never do -- due to my extreme paranoia. i don't know, sometimes it's easier for me to actually write things rather than type them, so i might actually do it. i mean, i have like 5 journals that people keep giving to me... i guess that i look like the journaling type or something.

i don't want to take my glasses off. i've gotten used to them the past week. i'd forgotten how nice wearing glasses is. i don't want to put my contacts back on. ah well i'm wearing contacts for 2 weeks, throwing them away, wearing my glasses for a week, and then continuing with a new pair of contacts.

i really have to start memorizing. this is the shortest time we've ever had to rehearse for a play, and that's really not a good thing. usually the veteran thespians get their lines down with a week to go, and the day of opening night the others get their lines memorized... but then we had them every day, harassing them to learn their lines. now it's like once a week. for what, 2 and 1/2 weeks? wow. wow wow wow i didn't realize it was that close. well, i'm not worried about my guys. they're actually motivated. surprised me a little. serves me right for threatening people to join drama. it's just that with dan and andy and catte and saraphia gone, i feel like there's a huge part missing from the club. like when tim graduated. and i still miss tim. oh well so much for moving on. at least i still have scar and matt and peter and alex. not to mention kyle and daivd, my recruits... oh i feel sort of bad... they had no idea what they were getting themselves into. but still i think it's better than them getting mixed up with the *cough* speechies. i mean... uh... no really, i really like... most of the speechies. it's just, well, ok alex back me up on this one: drama is WAY more tame than speech. bah i should shut up while i still have some friends...

halloween this week. and i, i am going to dress in the regular black getup that i always say i feel comfortable in. it was weird... i don't know if i should feel offended or shocked... jansen was asking people what they were going to be for halloween, and when i said i was just going to wear black she said "i could see you doing that" or something to that effect. totally caught me offguard. like when the rat insinuated that i'm "not good enough to get into a college like berkeley, or any other college like that". bah i wanted to scream at her "do you know that i've been getting stuff from harvard and yale and notre dame and colleges like that since TENTH GRADE!"

but i stifled my compulsion yet again. i've been very good on recognizing my compulsions and stopping them, or at least consciously trying to stop them. of course there is that little fact that i'm getting more and more bugged when things aren't perfect. ah well lose one symptom of ocd, gain another more prominent one.

so much for seeing a movie with alex today.

more good news, bad news

good news:

so i got on last night, borrowed my dad's check card, and bought the cd. which cd? flickerstick's original cd. the cd they put out in like 2000 with 226 records, the original "welcoming home the astronauts". after epic picked them up last year, they re-did WHTA and re-released it, and stopped making the original. that means that there were NO COPIES TO BE FOUND... except used ones on ebay and amazon.com. they just put it back on sale at the connextion, and since i knew this was the last chance i had to get it, i got it. well, i don't exactly have it yet... they said they usually ship within 24 hours, but it could be two weeks. either one is dandy (damn daniel) to me: if i get it next week, i'll have the cd really soon! if i get it in 2 weeks, i'll have the cd for my birthday! win-win situation.

few things can make me as happy as flickerstick can.

bad news:

i don't know if this is really happening, but i've been pissing people off frequently this week. people who are really important to me. the only reason i'm saying anything about it is that after i say something... or tell them to fuck off... i feel really bad. i've just been feeling like everyone is being really mean and weird to me this week, and i really didn't feel like sucking it up and taking it like i always do. so here's what i say: to everyone that was truly being a dick to me this week, fuck off. to all of you who were being your regular selfs and i just got way too moody about it, i'm very, very sorry.

even if you don't know it, you all are very very important to me.

i just spent a good hour and fifteen minutes on the road because of stupid construction, so i'm off surfing... make me relax and not be so pissed off at people who won't let you change lanes...

yeah

so it finally posted. i don't know what's going on with me and people lately but i have the vague feeling that i'm pissing a lot of people off. and i'm not even trying to. bah life. bah people. can't live with 'em. can't live without 'em.

why aren't you posting???

blogger is being stupid. won't post my last post. damn you blogger!!!!

damn

have you ever read something written by a complete stranger that just totally captures you? i mean, you read it, and then say, out loud, "damn". well, i just did. totally one of my new blogs to read often.

that said, i have nothing else to say, except that my mouth hurts.

OH YEAH flickerstick's original cd, the one they released with 226 records, is on sale online!!! the second my dad walks in, i'm going to ask him if i can use his check card...

as the days pass by, i subconsciously become more and more excited

those people amaze me

so i had another hour long ortho. appt. today. fun. i almost fell asleep, and i would have had it not been for that lady sticking the top wire in my mouth and taking it out and fixing it and putting it back in and taking it back out over and over and over for damn near 45 minutes. after that she had dr. hernandez come over and see what the hell she was doing wrong... nothing, except that they should take off 2 of the brackets on the top so they could fit the wire in. them pulling those brackets off was a lot nicer than when they took my expander off. i felt like my teeth were going to rip out of my mouth then. definitely not fun. but then again i didn't have to deal with an expander anymore, which is really really nice, so...

so now i have to wear a rubber band on the right side of my mouth. they practically threatened me that i always have to wear them. i was calculating on my way back home, and that would be close to 220 bands from now til dec. 3, my next appt. well, actually 221, counting today. that's crazy. just crazy. but they tell me to do something, and i do it to the bitter end. i mean my god, i'm actually flossing every day. now you tell me that you floss every day regiously. chances are real high that you don't. now that's crazy.

so tomorrow i'm gonna be in a lot of pain, which sucks. hmm, maybe my mom will let me take a mental health day... bah i doubt it.

i've given up on downloading that song from mp3.com. it's just toooooooo slow. and every time i've tried to dowload it, it cuts me off. so yeah. i just realized today that it's about 2 weeks til my birthday. i would say that that's crazy, but i think i've overused that phrase enough in this post. maybe later.

so now i have to go do homework...

life's my bitch

i just had a revelation. that was it.

so for the past couple of days i've been trying to download flickerstick's song "believe" off of mp3.com. word of advice: if you can get a song anywhere other than mp3.com, do it. first off it takes too damn long, and then like halfway through downloading the song, it says "connection lost" and so there's no more downloading. and i'm left with half a flickerstick song. slightly pissed me off but i think it might be a good thing, keeps me anticipating their live cd...

and on that point:

so from all the talk and re-talk and takebacks and misquotes and official press releases, i've concluded this: yes, the cd is to be released for retail in november. november 26, to be exact. at that time, it will also be available on the net. they were going to have the cd on sale at their shows as of november 1st, but now that's in question. my thought is that they'll have it at the shows. they'll have to. they know how many people are pissed that they won't get the cd till like january or february, so they'll have to have it available.

so: i must stop procrastinating and email my cousin in LA and ask him to please go to their show at the roxy on nov. 7. but i'll do that later...

woah, i just remembered, tatu's cd is out tomorrow. mmm, but i've gotten used to the russian. oh well.

so yeah i didn't go to homecoming. obviously. and again i am glad i didn't go. i could go into detail, but the truth is i don't really know the details, just a foggy outline of what happened. that and i have a really bad memory, so the vague info i'd give would be wrong anyway.

apparently i look good in glasses. well, at least in these glasses. i guess people forgot that i wore glasses for all of eighth grade before i got contacts. but i really like these glasses. my eyes aren't all messed up like they were with my contacts. ah glasses.

what to say, what to say. oh yeah i want to go see the ring on saturday or sunday. heard that it's great. um, what else, what else...

bah i don't know i have nothing else to say.

cleavage

no, not that cleavage.

this cleavage.

i found their song "trust me" by pure accident, and i love it. now i'm downloading some of their other stuff. and guess what...

they're canadian!

canadia. always a plus.

at least i'm older than daivd

happy birthday to you

happy birthday to you

happy birthday dear kyle

happy birthday to you!!!!

here's to another year of life. hope that (despite certain things and *cough* people) you have a great day.

oh yeah and yesterday was bryan's birthday. so happy birthday bryan!

i'm off to somewhere now, although i don't know where that is...

they read my mind!

Black Panne Lace Up Top

i saw this at hot topic today. fell in love with it instantly. the catch: it's $52. that is the second/third thing i'm buying when i get some money.

yay.

woah i'm dizzy

i forgot how weird it was wearing glasses. my eyes were going all crazy, trying to adjust with them on. it's weird, whenever i move sorta quick my eyes go out of focus a little and i get a little... not dizzy but like just my eyes are dizzy. i don't know it's weird. but nice because my eyes don't dry out like they did and i can actually rub them and taking off glasses is a lot easier than taking out contacts.

ah glasses.

this whole week was... weird. i don't know if it was just 'cause it was weird with homecoming or something different... or maybe it's just me. which could be totally possible.

that is a phrase that i use much too much... i don't know. but it's true.

i don't know

my head is confusing me

so to live in the past is to have regrets. as long as you live in the past, you can't live in the present. you can never be content or happy if your mind and emotions are linked to an episode in the past. good or bad, it doesn't matter. so as long as i think of what has happened, how miserable i was or how happy i was, i will never be able to feel connected to my life right now.

on the other hand, if i try and think about the future, i'll be even more stressed and unhappy. the future sucks. it doesn't even exist. it will never exist, so why think on it. why even bother with the future. life is crazy, so anything can happen. anything. you could die next week. you could become a famous movie star. you could be a homeless person or the richest person in the world. you could be anything. the thing is that you have no idea what's gonna happen to you. there's no sure way of knowing. you can't even really plan for life.

so why bother. why not just live in the moment and do whatever makes you feel happy, regardless of rules and adults and all the stupid stuff people throw on you every day. screw them. it's not their life. they have no claim on you.

how much easier would life be if everyone just got off your back and left you alone? how much better would you feel if you could just get out of an unhealthy relationship with someone without worrying if all your friends would leave you? how would your interactions with everyone around you be if you could just leave behind whatever happened in your past?

how much easier would it be if you could love someone without worrying about getting hurt?

someone's a year older...

happy birthday to you

happy birthday to you

happy birthday dear person-whose-name-i'm-not-gonna-put-here-due-to-privacy-issues

happy birthday to you!!!!

you know who you are... have a wonderful day (or what's left of it)!

oh yeah and thanks again for the dress! i love it!

ah weekends

i can't believe i'm downloading a tommy lee song. but it's a nice song. and it's blue. blue is always a plus.

have i told everyone that if you're getting a blog, just email me or IM me and i'll help you with everything? i haven't? well, now i have. really it took me close to, what, 4 months to figure it out... and i still have problems with the html. that and teaching is fun. especially when you can see that they learned by looking at their blog (enter link to alex's blog). makes me happy : )

so i'm feeling much better than i did yesterday. no more headache. no more nausia. no more wanting to burn things. well, i don't know about that last part. i was just thinking that it would be really cool if flickerstick had lighters for merch. i'd buy 20.

wow, i just got up and i'm already talking like an idiot.

oh yeah, announcement: i'm thinking of changing the address to this blog... it seems to me that i didn't want it very publicized, and now it is. but don't fret, i'm just thinking about it. which means i'm probably too lazy to do it and then go into alex's blog and change the code.

it's 11am, and i'm feeling fine.

well my day's been just fucking dandy

if they freakin move the release date back even more i'm gonna kill them. i mean i love you guys, i do, but THIS IS DRIVING ME UP THE WALL!!!!!!! bah ok so i do have to call my cousin and get him to go so he can get the new cd for me.

< hypochondria alert >
my head hurts. it's been hurting since yesterday. i think i'm sick. no, really, i do. i felt really bad this morning and i couldn't focus when i was driving... which doesn't help when i'm driving in rush hour traffic. and then i take deep breaths and it helps a little. at least i don't feel nausious like before.
< /alert >

and then exams. killer. exams. killer. well i have to face the inevitable: i will be getting something under a 4.0 this quarter. and for all those who just said "oh, poor thing"... fuck off. you have no idea. so just fuck off.

aaaaaahhhhhh. why can't i BURN SOMETHING right now. it would make me feel a lot better.

fuck it nevermind i'm gonna go sleep.

DAMNIT!!!!!

from the street team leaders:

"Looks like retail distribution on the CD will be pushed to December or January. Our CD will be available at shows starting Nov 1."

FUCK!!!!

sorry, just had to do that. damnit now someone really has to go to the show and get me the cd. i shall call my cousin and ask him for a favor.

oh yeah, and school sucks.

word.

staring at the sun

"now you're handing me harsh reality, i'm standing still -- you're flying away from me"

i've had that in my head for days now, and i can't get it out. and i don't even LIKE soulcracker. soulcracker: flickerstick's arch enemy. but no really i like the guys (or 3 of them) and a few of their songs, but i think they threw out beastie and that pisses me off. yeah.

so anyway...

exams start tomorrow. i'm not studying today because i have trig and guitar tomorrow. ah i love a nice schedule. that and a 100% average in class. that can never hurt.

i would've posted yesterday except i felt really bad and tired. i'm surprised i didn't pass out driving home from school. it wasn't fun at all.

so my weekend is a question right now... on friday our guitar sub is playing at ore house, and katie and kyle are going to see him, and i should come too. well yeah, that would be nice... but i don't know if it's gonna happen. and then bryan's party is on saturday. and i haven't seen bryan in a while (since state fair) and i won't see him for a while after that, so i should go but i don't know... i don't really feel like driving home at midnight... ah choices choices. damnit alex where are you when i need you?!

people are right, this blog is crap.

:-)

Flickerstick
Causing a Catastrophe - Live in Deep Ellum
226 Records
Release Date: November 5 2002

i've never considered myself an athiest before...

why do i feel bad/weird by thinking that there is no god? it's really pissing me off. ever since doyle had us write that stupid who is god paper i've been feeling that there is no god. every time i think about it i come to the conclusion that there is no god. WHY WHY WHY CAN'T I THINK GOD EXISTS??!! damnit this is really getting to me. and going to church doesn't really help either.

will someone please talk to me about this so i won't go insane? i mean really, athiest or not, i have to believe that i'm not doing something totally wrong by thinking god can't exist.

or show me how god does exist. i don't know... DAMNIT!

enchanting devil

read the one by brooke jacobs

dude, where's my car?!

ok, brief rundown of today:

got up at 6:30. drove 80 all the way there. almost hit this guy's dog. well not really i saw them in the middle of the road and i'm like "that dog is sooo gonna run in front of my car" so i slowed down. good thing 'cause he did run right in front of my car. the guy didn't even thank me for not hitting the dog! so much for being greatful...

still got to the plaza late, which actually turned out to be really early

walked a short distance with kyle and david before they decided to jog... i couldn't handle that, walked the rest of the way, felt good about it

bumped into fel and laura at the end of the walk, turned out they needed a ride sooo...

went to get david's car & drive them to laura's, but wait... "um, dude, where's my car?" yep, david lost his car...

so i drove laura, fel, david, and kyle to laura's car, then proceeded to laura's house. after a time we went back to the plaza to find david's car...

found it a block from where we were looking the first time. went to david's...

watched "run lola run". priceless. definitely priceless. DEFINITELY.

left to get some stuff for my water bed... went to subway 'cause i was starving, went home.

got home, saw they moved my waterbed a full 90º. pretty cool.

went to eat at roadrunner.

came home, got on the net.

posted on blog.

oh. my. GOD!

so here's the deal...

i've known that flickerstick was going to put out a live cd for about 2 months now. but the thing is that no one on the street team knew when exactly that was going to be. now we know...

so their live cd, "causing a catastrophe - live in deep ellum" is coming out now in november. it has all the songs from WHTA on it except "you're so hollywood" and "talk show host", and it has 2 new songs, "believe" and "telling all the world". thankfully they put direct line and execution on it.

the GREAT thing is that it's live... and i have to say that when you see them live, well it's an experience that you'll never forget. their live shows are killer rock, absolutely mind blowing, and completely amazing. so to have a cd of it, well, let's just say i'd pay good money for that cd.

but then again i'd pay good money for anything flickerstick.

i think everyone knows that i love flickerstick. and if you don't, well then you do now. i would try to express to you why flickerstick is so amazing, but (to break the english rule and use clichés) words can't explain what i feel. honestly. i've tried, and i just end up stuttering. last year, their cd welcoming home the astronauts (WHTA) was released on my birthday. MY BIRTHDAY! that's not the cool part. the cool part is that MY MOM GOT ME THE CD! ON MY BIRTHDAY! THE DAY IT WAS RELEASED! you have no idea how great this was for me. especially since my birthday really sucked last year. until i got the cd, that is...

so for this live cd they're going back on tour. so far they've skipped new mexico, went from dallas straight to cali. the thing: ok so on nov. 7, the day after my birthday, they're playing at the roxy in LA. i'm going to try and plead and beg my brother to go to the show and buy every piece of merch they have (except for the thongs... that's just weird) and bring them to me at thanksgiving. i'd pay for the ticket AND all the merch he bought, but the thing is that he HATES flickerstick. and we're not on the best of terms either. or maybe it's just that i hate him. hmmm...

so that is my goal: get him to go to the show and buy me stuff, and find out THE EXACT DAY the live cd is out so i can buy it on that day. i would pre-order over the net, but my parents don't like to use the credit card and i don't have a bank account to use a check card for. mmm... i should get one...

ok i've been on for a long while. i should get off now.

i'm so happy :-)

what the??

what the hell is up with blogspot?! i can get to the other blog, but i can't get to alex's blog or ben's blog. i haven't tried looking for my other other blog... but i haven't written on it in weeks so i don't think it counts anymore. aaahhh but they usually never have stuff wrong with their servers and stuff, so i guess i should be happy about that.

aahh so on monday i had 'all the things she said' (english) stuck in my head, and today i had the russian version stuck in my head. very amusing because i was mumbling all day, so i couldn't understand a thing people were trying to tell me, and i was totally talking to myself, and i had a russian lesbian pop group's song in my head. in russian.

and to think that was amusing...

he's gone!! it was instantly calmer after he left. i love it. he even left me a little gas in the car. yay. aaahhh but i'm not giving up the car when he's here for christmas. hell no.

anywho... i have to make a collage sometime today... hopefully before 7 so i can eat dinner and watch buffy in peace. i know i know, but don't hate me because i watch buffy. tv is amusing to me. especially when it has hot vampires on it. mmm hot vampires...

and to think that i vowed not to post for an entire month...