i need to stop sitting in front of this computer

another html reference link:

html code tutorial

i've spent way too much time working on my compsci site for the past couple days. and i still have to do homework.

um... i'm confused...

now, i got my 1300. but not in a good way. seems i upped on the english, but went horribly down on the math (first: 620 math 660 verbal, second: 580 math 720 verbal). i wanted the 1300 because it looks better than a 1280, but it's not good to have a low math score when my major is going to be math related.

damn.

i'm debating giving berkeley the 1280... well, in their estimation a 30 on the act's is equivalent to a 1340 on the sat's. bah.

oh well. this just means i have to do super well on my satii math test. maybe i should study for that one...

three day weekend, one third over. i spent pretty much the whole day adding flickerstick lyrics to my compsci website yesterday, and now i have to finish. and do homework, but when do i ever do homework on a saturday.

maybe i'll have today be a movie day.

time heals but i'm forever broken

when did this happen. when did life pass me by and in a fit of rage i just let go. when did everything go wrong, and in my disillusionment i convinced myself i was out of it, when really i never left, just got more bitter as time went by.

when did i stop being enthusiastic. i can't remember the last time i was really, genuinely enthusiastic about something, so into life that my mind was full of smiles and happiness. can't remember.

it's been a long road, getting to who i am in this moment, and i can't tell if i was always this way, truely, or if something happened to make me snap. i remember so little of who i was when i was a kid. just that i was always terrified of people, of getting yelled at, of meeting new people, of straying from my routine. terrified. she's shy they'd say. always quiet and shy. why? why quiet and shy? why not she doesn't want to step into shit that'll get her in trouble. why not she can't handle us because we don't understand her? why. things would've been better if people had just left me alone. at least i like to tell myself that.

who was i? i was someone who hated yelling and screaming so much, thought it so painful in any situation, that i internalized it, making it so that i physically can't scream or yell. that's who i was, and who i am now.

i was someone who found out that no matter if you did something wrong or not, you're always gonna get shit for it. damned if you do, damned if you don't, my childhood mantra. avoid getting blamed for shit you didn't do as much as possible, but in the end it doesn't matter anyway. children have no power. children are never right. children need discipline, because they are all guilty. just stand there and take it, until you master being able to block out the words and actions of your accusers. that's all you can do, take it, because you have no power, and if the shit really hits the fan, where are you gonna go?

i was someone who distrusted everyone. don't share your feelings or thoughts, 'cause that shit will come back to haunt you in the end. everyone you think might possibly be worthy of your trust, really isn't. you've already been down that road too many times before, you don't have to prove it to yourself again. don't give them an opening to your soul just to have them beat it down. it's not worth it.

i was someone who didn't have anything to say, because children aren't meant to say anything, really. no one cares, and you'll most likely just get hurt by voicing your opinion anyway.

so i kept to myself. it worked, for the most part.

when did it happen. when. the moment i left all my friends and everything i knew, against my will (because children don't really have any will, adults have to make choices for them), and went to and eternal hell as i knew it. was it then? i don't know. i became angry at my situation and that i couldn't change it (damned if you do, damned if you don't). anger turned into sadness, turned into not caring. if i can't live my life, i might as well not live at all.

right there.

a genius thought that made perfect sense to me. it still makes sense to me. the first time i had the fear of god to keep me from it, along with another perfect thought: things will be better. you have no idea how much that logic pissed me off. now, i have no fear of god, and i still think that things will be better (they were, but with a price), but it just doesn't seem worth the "better" anymore. not really. but i made a (stupid?) promise to myself then that i'd never go through with it, ever. and i make it a point to keep promises i've made to myself.

not caring is a wonderful thing. i don't know if you've ever experienced it. i did, in the time after that. i figured, the cause for all my pain, all my stress and unhappiness, was the fact that i cared. about anything. caring about doing good in school. making friends. obeying to avoid punishment. anything. take away all your cares, about your well being, other people's thoughts of you, your parents expectations or whatever crap they're pulling with you now. death. life. love. hate. just stop caring. let it all go. nothing affects you then, because whatever happens, you don't attach yourself to it, to the consequenses.

it was my release. my chance to block out the world, and just focus on myself. what i'm feeling at any given moment, my thoughts, my questions. i streamlined my "logic of unhappiness" to one statement: you care about things because you're thinking of the future, what implications your actions have on your future. you're attached to your future. let it go. what is the future, really? you can't predict it, because every choice you make changes it. you can't be in it, because everything you experience is the present. you can never know what the "future" holds. so why do we hold to the thought of a future? it didn't make sense, so i made it make sense for me. there is no future. there is only your thoughts and emotions at the moment, your present actions, and the knowledge you have from the past.

that, my friends, was an epic thought.

but was it always there, or did one moment in time spawn all that came from it?

that can go two ways, depending on how i view time at this moment. and i don't want to get into it, because that theory is big enough to fill it's own post.

my beliefs, my views. when? it began then, but it didn't really happen until right now. when i realized i'm behind. behind life. other people can hold on to time, consciously move with it, and they never get passed by. they've done what's expected of them, they're ready to move on. and since i never cared, i lost track of time. no, not lost track. i could see it moving by, vividly, i just couldn't bring myself to grit my teeth and bare it, letting time take me with it. a sort of deviance, i guess. i see you passing without me, well then just go. i don't need you anyway. you've never done anything for me, so why should i follow you.

and it's me. right now. bitter and angry, pessimistic and broken by time. when. why. i try and pinpoint it, but i know i'm still wrong. things just happen when they happen, and you don't ever think of taking note to slight changes in your personality, if they're even changes at all, or just something being brought out that you've always had in you.

but the fact is now i'm behind. and i don't know what i want more, to try and catch up, to go with the flow and see where time takes me, or to defiantly stand my ground, cussing out time as it goes by.

"i try to fool myself in believing things are gonna get better, but life goes on"

i knew i liked that album for a reason.

i'm tired of caring. and i do, now, unfortunately. i've cared for three years (consequently i've also felt this way for three years). and caring has brought me some great people, but in awhile they'll be gone, what is there to care about that's worth it when they're gone? them, of course, because you can't just stop loving someone.

when isn't a time, it's a state of being. why isn't a valid question, just an excuse to explain away who you are. you are never who you were before, no matter how much you think you are. you can't pinpoint change, change is relative. and i can't do anything but ramble for an hour, and get back to nowhere.

i just need time.

how ironic.

mmm frank

i needed something to brighten my day, so i searched out this picture again. you'll especially like it if you're into rocky horror.

and transvestites.

"the mind of god is music resonating
through ten dimensional hyperspace"
- michio kaku

the sad thing about me understanding what we were talking about today in physics is that it only happens once per quarter. all the good theoretical, "out there" physics, we don't do. no, we may mention it, but then we go back to our century old equations.

physics should not be a math class.

large amounts of homework this week. i did manage to get out of the cruces trip, since i didn't want to go see state any time soon. now maybe i'll have a day to chill this weekend.

i need to get ahold of a mac. and a dvd burner.

maybe sometime this weekend i'll post my theory on time and parallel universes. fun.

out of the blue

time is such an odd thing. minutes, days, years of your life behind you before you even realize it. one day you wake up and you're 18 years old. is it different from every other day? do you feel the time change with the day? or do birthdays make you think of time in a totally different light?

i don't dwell on time, i dwell on feelings and thought.

i hope that wherever you are, you can find and cherish the day's moments of happiness. that you can reflect on your life, without dwelling on the past or thinking of the future, and feel content with the moment you're in right now. that at any moment you can close your eyes and know that you will never be alone, that no matter where you are, someone is always thinking of you. that for every birthday that you feel important, you know that you are just as important every other day of the year. that at whatever time, you will stay true to yourself and do what makes you happy.

cherish your feelings, your memories, your beliefs, and your experiences. they have made you who you are in this moment.

i love you
=======
kristin

and again i say oh fucking fuck

i have this really huge urge just to go outside and smash the windows that are in the back yard. i'm all twitchy and pissed off and i can't tell if it's a blood sugar thing or hormones or what the hell's wrong with me today. bah.

added people to the blogroll. if i added you, and you don't want the link, just leave a comment and i'll take it off.

i was really fucked up last night when i was working on the net. i think it all rolls down to the fact that i really hate eating. not for weight issues, if i wanted to lose weight i'd get off my lazy ass and exercise. i just don't like eating. especially since i feel sick most of the time. but then again it's my own damn fault.

it's a vicious cycle i tell you. vicious.

i don't want to leave right now. and i don't want to have to be home by 12:30. maybe i just won't. it's not like i get grounded anyway. or that getting grounded would have any effect at all on me.

fucking fuck.

if you wrap yourself in daffodils,
i will wrap myself in pain

and it's over. maybe now i can get some rest. i'm sure my teachers would've given me homework this weekend, they were just caught offguard by exams.

have you ever wanted to tell someone close to you how you really felt, but the consequenses of doing so are too scary to imagine? i wish it could be done without having to take a risk. i'm not one for taking risks. i've been burned too many times, and like i've said, i'd rather regret something i didn't do than something i've done. it's childish, it's stupid. i'll never get anywhere in life with that mindset. you can't always shelter yourself from hurt, that's not life.

do people ever want to willingly walk into being hurt? sometimes i'd rather keep my feelings inside than risk messing up my relationships with others, 'cause they're all that i have right now. other times... i just want to out and say it. i believe in being truthful to the people you love (not a moralistic thing exactly... i find i have very few morals), and keeping my thoughts and feelings from people almost seems like being untruthful. and then there's the flip side to that: it's not really a lie if no one ever asked you about it. which i can agree with. i'd be truthful if [the right people] asked me my thoughts/feelings. it's the volunteering information thing i have a hard time with.

i don't think i'm strong enough to handle being rejected. is anyone, really?

i don't name names, i don't put a pinpoint on my feelings. i don't state my beliefs with conviction. i don't stand up and say this is who i am. not even in this blog. ah, the dilemma of the blog. it's public, and that's why i liked it. public means other people can read me, maybe feel that they're not alone sometimes. it also means that my friends can see this, and although i'm perfectly comfortable with some people, i'm not comfortable with others. and it shouldn't matter, but in a small way it still does. i can't come out and proclaim myself. not because i don't know who i am, but because i'm scared. to death.

but i can never be hurt or scared if i keep things to myself. it's not the ideal life, but right now, for my life, it's better than some of the alternatives.

love is a promise

and i know i just used a really good title on a bad post, but hey, at least i'm writing.

yeah, i haven't had any time to post for the past week, what with exams and homework and all. and i still have to study for sociology and physics, but i still have a couple of hours to waste.

recap:

sat's on saturday. all i can say is, i hope i didn't get a lower score than the first time i took them. it's really up in the air.

sunday: alex's surprise party. and she was really surprised. her dad came in the day before, and i thought that was awesome. alex, you've got a lot of people who love you. happy 18th birthday (a couple days later), and remember, now you're legal. go do something 18ish now.

the rest of the week has been school. i've been feeling like crap since tuesday, and yesterday i came home after exams and slept for three hours. today i had a latte, so i'm still awake.

weekly stupidity on my part: so the ep/dvd order number? apparently it was in the subject of one of the emails the connextion sent me. i didn't see it til yesterday though. and it confirms what i already knew: they won't be shipping my cd until the 28th. secondly: apparently my initial thinking was right, my english teacher didn't remember that i was in the class, so he didn't even know that i never did that ap prompt. so no zero in the gradebook, and if i got an 85% on my exam today, i got an A in the class. and it's really sad how much that worried me.

i have to update my websites again, and fix my blogroll. hopefully i'll get some time to do that this weekend, but i have to start filling out applications and type up my resume (even though i have no work experience). we're going to cruces next weekend, so these things have to be done soon.

my next huge project: figure out how to put pictures on a slideshow on a cd-r, if people need to have a certain program to run them, if slideshows work on dvd players. i really want this to work, and to be good. it's my big project for the year, and i don't want to have to put it up on the net for people to see. they should be able to have their own cd's. anyway, i have to calculate the number of pictures i can fit on my cd-r's and -rw's, see if i have to scrap that whole idea and find another way to store the pictures.

i've been so busy the past month. i just want a day or two to catch up on life, catch up with friends. i haven't written a good post in forever, mostly because i don't have the time.

speaking of not having time, i have to scope out a template for britt.

tomorrow. tomorrow will be better.

international eyes are wide awake

so. i emailed the street team yesterday about my little order number dilemma, and i got a reply. unfortunately, this reply informed me that i will not be getting my cd any time soon. yes, i'm in the group that ships the 28th, so bah. oddly, i always receive flickerstick cd's on or near my birthday. which is good i guess, a nice little birthday present. i'm thinkin i might need it around then anyway.

i have to... finish? my physics project now. or, later than now. before tomorrow. and do sociology.

i hear people are ditching tomorrow to study for sat's. that strikes me as sad. plus they're going to be way behind in classes. well, maybe not gov. or religion. or soc. or english. but if they're in calc and physics, they're going to be way behind.

hopefully i won't have any homework this weekend, so i'll have time just to chill. get on the net and fix all the code i've been meaning to fix for the past month or so. and clean my room.

i just had a strange vision of a star tattoo on my wrist. i oddly liked it. definitely a lot easier to do than the one i'm going to get. in a year. unless i'm really pissed off around my birthday and don't care if i get kicked out of my house for getting a tattoo. and for some reason i keep thinking that i could totally hide it. which i can, i can just never take off my watch. the only real thing keeping me from getting it (besides the whole kicked out of the house thing) is that i don't trust tattoo artists to do it right. and i really don't want them to mess it up. i don't want the sanskrit saying something completely different than intended. not that other people would know (unless they can read sanskrit), i'd just feel really bad about it. and for all the money i'm spending on it (plus the fact it's there forever), well, i want someone really good doing my tattoo.

that said, i have been ranting way too much and i really must be off to do homework.

"i died. and this is hell."

I came home in a perfectly good mood. it turns out i now understand this chapter of physics, and there's a good chance i won't fail the test tomorrow. and look! it's the 8th of october! the ep should ship today!

but wait. it sold out. MAJORLY sold out. and only people who's orders are before #61586 will have theirs shipped today, everyone else the 28th of october. i'm still ok at this point. i wrote down my number on a post-it right here by the computer. but look, your mother decided to clean the solar room today, and throw out everything! yes, this includes the order number! how she didn't throw away my physics research is beyond me.

fucking fuck.

now i don't even know if my cd will be shipped today or the 28th. if i KNEW when it was shipped, even if it's the 28th, i would only be mildly pissed. but now that i know i wrote down the number, and it has been tossed out, well. and i spent 10 minutes looking through the 3 trash bags my mom managed to fill up. joy.

the one good thing coming out of all of this: the ep sold out! i mean, it sold out twice! twice! (... and now the word 'twice' has no meaning to me. twice. rhymes with mice. anyway.) which means that everyone and their brother bought the ep. which means wonderous things in the world of flickerstick. and the guys get paid this month. which is always better than waiting tables.

and now my computer just disconnected from the net. i really really REALLY hate my computer.

bah. other than that, i'm getting a B in english (a C if i didn't do the math right), and i'm barely hanging onto an A in calc. but hey, only one more quarter and i can transfer out! and if he doesn't let me, then there will be hell to pay. hell i tell you.

i have sat's on saturday, and i don't know how to get to capital. i don't get to sleep in on saturday. that hurts. but there's always sunday.

mmm. off to do physics.

if i leave here tomorrow

home a day earlier than expected. and i have too much to get done.

waste of time? yes and no. i heavily needed to do school stuff this weekend, and like i've said before, missing one day of school has now fucked me for the next week. and it just so happens this week is the week before exams. joy. i should've stayed home and gotten everything done, but it really wasn't my choice, again.

csu is ok. i like the town more than the school. it just didn't feel right. we had a tour and all, and they were nice. i'd get in-state tuition because of wue, which is the only reason i agreed to look at the school. but with all that, i'd rather just go to state.

cu is beautiful. i couldn't get over the architecture of the place. we didn't get a tour or anything, but it just felt better. of course it costs 30k to go there, so i'm still counting on berkeley to be awesome.

and if not, state it is. i don't need all this shit in my life that comes with worrying about college. i'm almost ready to drop out and get my ged. but of course, it all depends on berkeley.

i missed school. i missed homecoming. i wouldn't have gone to homecoming if i'd have been here except for alex. and even then...

drama starts this week. i haven't read the play yet, and it has me worried. if i do drama (and i am doing drama), then one of my classes has to go. i would say calc, but i don't do anything in calc anyway. so physics it is. and i had such high expectations for that class this year. ah well. so no more life for the next month (a month of rehearsals for a three act. we're fucked). and apparently i have to tutor some kid in spanish for exams. i'd hate to have me as a tutor.

i wouldn't work on homework at all today except that i have one other person relying on me to get the gov project finished. that's ok. i know what i'm talking about. and i like yao. i'd never bitch out on her.

i need time that i don't have.

too tired to live

the physics project is a lost cause. totally and completely. and now i'm seriously considering dropping that class at semester, just because of this shit he's pulling with the projects. they're all a bunch of assholes.

speaking of which, the only way i could possibly get out of calc this quarter would be if i was failing. not gonna happen. i'll die before i fail an asshole's class and fuck up my gpa. so in the meantime, i'm fucked.

i haven't been paying attention in calc or physics for the past two weeks. and now i have no idea where the hell they expect the class to be.

going to colorado state on friday, university of colorado at boulder on saturday. i'm guaranteed nmsu, guaranteed colorado state. berkeley's always up in the air, but i honestly don't care. if i'd have figured this whole calc/physics/colorado state thing out three weeks ago i would've saved my parents the money of registering for the three damn satii's. which reminds me. i have sat's on the 11th.

and yeah, i have no time to be on the net, but there's only so much shit i can put up with in one day. and i'm ready to pass out right now.

three projects hanging in the air. 2-3 tests this week. homework. stupidity, stupidity, stupidity. i would ditch tomorrow if i thought i could miss physics. oh wait, i can miss physics. i don't know what we're doing in that class anyway. but alas, the only way i'm ever getting a mental health day is if i'm in a mental health hospital.

speaking of hospitals, i've had a headache the whole day. hopefully something is terribly wrong with me and i'll die within two months.

and on to my real world issues. i have to get ahold of mr peralta about the state internship thing. i have to update some templates and html, clean up a lot of stupid tags that don't do anything. i have to talk to sunseri about the lab foundation scholarship. i have to get my transcripts for this weekend. i have to clean out my room, organize my things, throw out a bunch of shit, and then start on the house, since i know they're not gonna do it until the day my dad wants to start the work. i have to find some alternative to this medication, cause it's a pain in the ass and i'm not getting any anyway. get my appointments in order for my orthodontist, get my eyes checked again in november so i can change my prescription in my glasses. cut my hair. get a jacket for winter. donate money for aids walk since i can't do it this year. clean out my mind so i don't go insane in the next week.

spend time with alex for her birthday. and kyle. and everyone else.

i'm too tired of this. bah.

i'm on fire

you know, there's a reason i don't go out into the sun. and no, i'm not a vampire. even though that's a really awesome idea.

even with me being so freaked out about the sun, and dying of skin cancer when i'm 20, it didn't stop me from getting a sunburn yesterday. and oh, how much i'm regretting not being freaked out yesterday.

yeah. i don't like that sun.

government project just about done. sociology project almost halfway done. physics project, now that's something else entirely. that i am completely, well, screwed on. but hey what's new.

and now i have to get off and do physics homework.

bah.

ascii is very gooood

after weeks of google searches, i finally find an ascii chart that has what i need. at lyd. in ernie's comments. go figure.

misterjustin.com.

yes, you can find many useful things in ernie's miniblog.

many odd pictures taken last night. i especially like the ones by paula. definitely... artistic.

i have to get myself ready so i can go into santa and do my sociology project. hopefully they won't kick me out of their stores.

countdown to fiesta is on. i think i'm actually going to be able to go later than 7am tomorrow. weird. and i won't have to help out everyone setting up and running errands throughout the day. super weird. now marj has that job. for some reason i don't see her as doing as much as i did in the past years. but you never know. all i have to do this year is work the jail for about two hours and maybe take some pictures.

off.

ascii is gooood

and i just bit my lip again, for the 52nd time this week. bah.

friday. finally. it seemed like this week would never be over. but here it is, and now i'm faced with everything else i have to do this weekend. but today is for jessica, tomorrow for projects, sunday for fiesta, and monday for alex. so.

why can't the colleges i want to go to send me applications? things should be easier. i should just fill out three applications and send them out, and get it over with. best friends seem to be going to college across the country from each other. this shall be quite a new experience.

i think i'm gonna try and start from now to get into the cruces bridge engineering thing, now that i'll be 18. it's awesome money, college credit, and a chance for me to hang out in cruces after i graduate. my mom said she doesn't know if they'll accept me, since i'm not planning on going in state for college, but i don't think it should be that big of a problem.

i was just thinking, thinking about things that i want to do in my life. preferably my near-future life. like go to a yo-yo ma concert, an andrea bocelli opera/concert. go watch cirque du soleil. care more about guitar to practice and play classical. build a house. become a photographer and have work that i'm proud of.

mmm. off to play with my camera.

the blue screen of death

ugh. i had to take out a hard drive from our computer. what a bitch. especially when i have to twist myself around and almost break my hip trying to plug everything back in.

the damn computer froze 3 times on me today. crashed once. failed to boot up once. i swear, i have a love/hate relationship with computers. but usually it's more hate than love.

i've only experienced the blue screen of death once in my life, and it wasn't by my own doing. that was my dad killing the hard drive. but the nice people at dell understand such things, and gave us a new one free of charge (warranties are awesomes).

i'm really close to wiping everything off this damn computer. just keep word, notepad, explorer and aim, and the stuff for the camera. it's that horrid.

we optimized the c drive fully (finally) a little over a week ago. but it seems that getting that damn extra hard drive out of the computer fixed whatever the hell was going wrong. of course i usually speak too soon on these sorts of things. so naturally it'll freeze on me in the next ten minutes.

i preordered the ep. finally. the connextion is really good about getting stuff out on time, so i expect to get it by the 10th or 11th of october.

together, yao and i have exactly two free days to work on the government project: tomorrow and friday. so that is what i will be doing. that and the physics project. and then the sociology project on saturday.

i have no time for my computer to be acting stupid. i put up with enough stupid people and things during the day.

and now i'm bitter again.

days from hell

i have so much to get done between now and exams.

a sociology project. a government project. start of a physics project.

not to mention do all my homework, try and understand calc, limp my way through the physics tests, and not want to kill my teachers.

oh wait. don't we all have some sort of understanding on that last one?

seriously. i shouldn't even be on the net right now, i'm so swamped.

the ep/dvd gets shipped october 8th. which is crap, but it's not like i'm not going to preorder it tonight. i just hope they get the lp out when they say they are.

i really need to drop a class. i have two choices: calc or physics. i hate calc, i like physics. i don't understand calc, i usually do understand physics (amazingly). calc teacher doesn't teach, physics teacher teaches... more than calc teacher. i like physics, and if i understand it well enough then i'd really like to go into something physics related in college. but no, i want to be in computer science or engineering. which requires calc. solution: i'm going to take either class again in college no matter what (calculus really no matter what). i'd rather take physics now than take calc now. it's just the matter of how dropping calc honors will look on my transcripts. apparently colleges don't like that sort of thing. i say fuck it.

of course, i often say that, and don't mean it five minutes later.

no time for life.

senmodnar?

it's weird not having any metal in my mouth.

i'm pretty sure i aced the gov test.

the physics test raped me.

the calc worksheet will rape me.

and i have to study for soc.

i need to be able to UNDERSTAND, damnit.

confusion

i want so much to be able to help you, to be there for you. i want to tell you that you are important. you've always been important. that even though life can feel like it's gonna kill you, you always have people that love you, and you always will. you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

i want so much to tell these things to you, to tell you that i consider you a good friend, and i always have. to tell you that i'll always be there for you if you need me. to say that even if you feel you don't matter to people, you matter to me.

i'm sorry for whatever happened, and i hope you know how i feel now.

life, death, and the meaning behind grief

a couple nights ago i caught the last part of the first episode of carnivàle. it's awesomes. yeah, i'm probably biased since i like nick stahl, but it seems like a really awesome show. oh yeah, and it's on hbo, so if you don't have hbo (i'm still not quite sure why my dad signed up for hbo), you'll have to catch it sometime else.

i'm swamped in homework this weekend. i can't do my soc project since she didn't look at our proposals today, so that's one less thing to do. but i still have to study for gov and physics tests, do the calc worksheet, and figure out how i'm gonna write the english essay (that i have to go in at 7:15 on monday to do). ah, fun.

but i'm taking the rest of the day just to chill.

i've been meaning to write a couple decent posts for about two weeks, but i just haven't gotten around to it yet.

i'm completely pressed for time until quarter exams. and we haven't even started working on drama yet.

i don't know. i feel like i haven't really spent any time with my friends in ages, but it's not like i volunteer to get together with them. i just feel so stressed with school, having to keep a 4.0, getting everything done, not going insane in calc, and then everything with SATs and colleges and that whole mess. maybe i'll get a break the 18th. i hope so. a week of people's birthdays. which reminds me... anyway, the point is i need to get everything done and make some time for me, for my friends. for sanity. i'm off.

i'm ready.

apparently st. mike's is in SANIA fe

ah yes, today was senior ring ceremony. and it was actually really cool, for being mass and all. i got some really nice pictures of people afterward (i only got the backs of people when they were going up to get their rings). i really like my ring too. except for the little fact that they messed it up. not bad, not anything you'd catch if you just glanced at it. but i think everyone knows that santa fe doesn't have an i in it. now that i look at it again, it looks like they just didn't do the "t" impression very well, so it looks like an "i". either way, i'd think that's something you would check, if your expecting to pass them off as "hand made". apparently a lot of other people's rings were messed up too. which sucks, considering how much they probably spent on it. oh well. i'm happy. just have to call josten's and make them fix it.

i should really have come right home after the ceremony and started homework, but i can't pass up a chance to go to burque and eat at olive garden (when olive garden opens in santa i'm gonna go there for everything). so now i'm still procrastinating. and i have to leave at 5:30 to go to calc study session. i have to do calc, read the rest of the book for english, type up my proposal/plan for sociology, do physics homework (which i now realize is two days of physics homework since i didn't do yesterday's) and the lab. and hope i don't fail anything. why am i still typing? i should really start that work.

the ep wasn't up for order today, which means that yes, they did move the date to next week. still ok though. i'm not freaking. i know i'll get it eventually.

other things to talk about, and so on, but i really must get the hell off the net and do my homework.

damn you wee bull

bah. and so today i have to do homework.

i finally started sea salt soaks for my piercings, as it seems that they are not getting better.

i did... a little upkeep on my compsci website yesterday, until my computer froze. twice. things like this make me hate my damn computer.

mbah. have to go start doing work.

website upkeep day

now i have that damn homestarrunner.com song stuck in my head. everybody! everybody! so addictive.

so yeah. today is website upkeep day. it was originally "get off your lazy ass and do all your research for school projects" day, but again, i'm really lazy. and i have a day i can be on the net. and a new digital camera. that can take black and white pictures. and it's awesomes. no, not just awesomes. it's spendiferous. speaking of spendiferous, did i ever put pseudodictionary on my links? i don't think so. so then it's a perfect day for website upkeep day.

i'm thinking my glasses are what's giving me headaches. i remember i jumped a whole -1.0 on my prescription between my glasses and my contacts the last time, and it doesn't seem like that much of a difference, but i know it is. but alas, can't go back to the doctor's to get a new prescription until after october so insurance will pay for it. which reminds me, i have to throw my contacts out today.

now i have only one thing to look forward to this next week: senior rings. which would make me a lot happier if i got to miss calc for it, but the mass/ceremony is after second. at least i get to miss religion and english. i won't get the chance to order the ep until the 18th, it won't ship until the 25th. or, wait. they sometimes ship cds earlier for preorder... did that mean they originally were going to ship them for preorder a week early, so now it's shipping on the 18th? that would be awesome. maybe i can look forward to getting it sooner then. if not, it's still ok.

and now the other thing. the whole i might get my braces off thing. the thing that throws me off with that is the might. they seem pretty enthusiastic every time i go in for an appt, but i also know he can say "let's wait another month". which wouldn't be anything. i mean, i've only had braces for a little less than two years. other people have theirs for much longer than two years. and they haven't really been a bother at all. i mean, my one pound of weight loss was probably contributed to by me not being able to eat certain things (that and me not eating at all. but i've gotten over that. for now). i've never had a problem with them, and any discomfort was easily treated with ibuprofin (i could be on commercials toting the spendiferousness of ibuprofin). i don't know. my braces aren't a really big bad thing with me. of course i was the one who was wanting braces in fifth grade. so i might be biased.

so anyway, i hope i get them off. but if not, hey, it's not the end of the world.

i've been meaning to update my compsci site for about two months now, and i haven't gotten around to it. after i switched my old geocities site to frames, i haven't done anything to it. but i have to get back on that. i have... an angelfire site i use for blog picture hosting, another tripod site i use for... well i don't remember what the hell that site has on it. i should probably look into that. maybe more picture hosting. oh wait, you can't link pictures hosted on tripod. that's why i got angelfire. now i remember. and there's always this blog's template i have to fix.

and i have to figure out what college i want to see more of when we go on our colorado college trip: colorado state (which i hear is just like nmsu, except in colorado), or university of colorado. i'm thinkin of not going to see berkeley until next semester, since we only get two excused absences for college purposes.

too many things.

i have to register for SATIIs, start filling out UC application, do homework for school, and help clean the house for when the work starts.

oh yeah, and start looking for scholarships. i actually should start doing that right now.

staying busy is good, going insane is not. so, internet is my downtime.

my saturday morning post complete, although it still didn't say much of anything at all. oh well. writing something is better than not writing at all. off.

everybody! everybody!

this ibuprofin isn't kicking in fast enough. hurry up and work damnit.

(bad?) news: the shipping of the ep was pushed back a week, which means it'll get here after the 25th. i figure, like usual, they didn't have enough inventory before they put it up for preorder, and now that everyone preordered (everyone except me that is. and i was trying to be courteous) they have to push back the shipping date to fix the mess up. it's still ok though. flickerstick in the next month. new studio music in the next month. apparently they're done with the lp... and is cory getting married??? i mean, i know he can be a crackhead when he writes in the journal (wait... that's dom...), but that's just odd.

<flickerstick rant>
speaking of the only creepy fan-ness that i know (mostly from botr): so i guess rex got divorced, since they talked about him and rayshele being together... unless his wife was somehow cool with it... fletcher, i don't know. married? maybe. he's got a kid with her, so i'd like to think they worked it out after the show. dom, nothing to guess about there. dom's the slut of the band. brandin: no idea. he wasn't with anyone when the show ended (or he wasn't telling...), but you can't really figure out brandin. which makes him all the more awesome. now cory, i'm wondering, did he get back with his girlfriend that he had during the show, or is this someone different (counting on the fact that he's not just playing an internet joke. don't think he is though). now i must say, it's been what, over two years since the show aired? and they stopped shooting months before that. a lot of stuff happened since then, and i have no idea about the guys' personal lives. knowing the personal relationships of a band's members is kinda creepy, but all that i know about the guys anyone who watched botr would know. it just so happened that i liked them better, and have followed them since the show. so yeah. all of this is just me wondering. i'm odd like that.
</flickerstick rant>

so anyway. the half day senior retreat was pointless. it did get me out of english though, i will give it that. but everything else was just... well, pointless. i'd much rather've been in sociology and physics. good thing: i got so far away into the running for class song. apparently someone else requested it too, so i didn't have to give them my cd. now they have to "screen" the songs (take out all inappropriate ones) and then send them to administration. and they'll pick the "acceptable" ones. ...bastards... and then maybe we'll have more than one song to "pick" from. ah false democracy. so sickening. so we didn't talk about anything important like i thought we were going to do (class motto, colors, etc., and senior week). instead it was "getting to know your classmates better". i could rant about what crap that is, but i'll spare you.

i don't think i bombed the calc quiz this morning, which is really odd considering how lost i was yesterday. that class just continues to piss me off. i'm considering dropping it at semester, but i know once i get to semester i'll just want to ride the thing out. stupid stupid girl. at least i'll learn it in college, with whatever science major i'm picking.

my extreme mood swings have been raving lately. i went from being fine, to being a crying wreck, to being fine, to crying, back to being fine again. but who knows, the night is young. i think i've said this before, but just as a reminder: i can go from fine to extremely emotional in a matter of moments. if you haven't seen it happen yet, wait around. it'll come.

in other news, i got my camera today. my dad's opening it now, so i'm off to play.

tomorrow's a better today

i either got a 95 or a 97 on my physics test. which totally rocks. now if only i could do that good on my calc test tomorrow. which reminds me i have to teach myself the whole chapter tonight.

tomorrow is some half day senior retreat, and i think it's just about picking class songs and mottos and stuff. and talking about senior week, 'cause i heard we have something like $3k in our class account. i think they should distribute that money to the seniors... but that's just my idea.

senior songs: i know it's not gonna matter what we think or say tomorrow, since only about 10 people are going to be listened to and pick all the things in the end. but we can still fool ourselves into thinking we matter. the only songs i can think of are

angels or devils - dishwalla
muzzle - smashing pumpkins
so far away - staind (except this is more of a later in life song, but it's still good)

they won't approve muzzle, i know that for sure. angels or devils i have a feeling they won't go for (they wouldn't let people put the drama faces on a shirt 'cause they're "gang signs", anything with any sort of religious tone i don't think they'll go for). i don't know.

i think i just said i'd go in for the calc study session. oy.

yaccs comments are back. hopefully that'll never happen again.

bah. must get back into santa. off.

fuck me

they took the cd off preorder. and that was the one thing that was going to make today ok, preordering the cd.

mental health day

i've been on the verge of tears the entire day.

i don't know how much longer i can do this. no choices. no outs. nothing except for miserable days and nights filled with excrutiating thoughts. and it wouldn't matter if i didn't care. and sometimes i don't. i don't want to care. i want to go back to when i knew myself and my place in the world and was ok with it in my anger. i want to go back to black days and indifference. when i could actually write. when i didn't care if i passed or failed. when i didn't care about following rules. when i didn't care. 'cause what's the point in bothering with all the stupid power trips and all other shit people put me through if i don't even plan on being around for when it supposedly matters.

i can't deal with it anymore.

and i won't be able to deal with it ever.

coming home last night in a fog. i listened to brandin's voice and i was taken into the music again. everything that i ever felt in it just came flooding back. a blue moment. and then i get home and bawl my eyes out. again. and it wasn't the pain. i can handle that. it was everything else that i won't be able to handle. getting through the last year of school. picking a college. leaving everyone i've ever loved. forever. everyone goes off and builds a life, moves on, grows stronger and smarter and better. and my soul just dies in the black days, waiting for my body to give up. all the little things i think of. not being able to control any of it. sure, you can try to direct which way you want to go. what you want to do. and eventually you're your own keeper for everything. but i can't get there right now. i can't see the future. all i can see is now, and right now the tears are rolling down my cheeks. and right now i love a very few people. and right now i want to be in their arms. i want them to understand me. i want to out of this place and i want to be in this place.

pain makes you remember that you're alive. but there's only so much pain you can take before it's not worth it anymore. i'm holding on 'cause i can still feel the life beneath the pain. and i'll hold on for as long as i need to. but one day it just won't be worth it anymore.

i anticipate that day with eagerness and fear.

please don't confuse me any more

and so since when has it said "kristin" in the bylines?

blogger is fucked.

what? huh? of course i don't feel like shit. wait, wha?

this has been my thought process for the day. except for that i didn't use as much sarcasm as usual, 'cause i was feeling so bad. hell i still feel like shit. i could fall asleep now and sleep til morning. mmm sleep.

hypochondria aside (i do not have west nile virus. and it wasn't even me who broght that one up), i got this big fucking bug bite on my ankle on... friday i guess. i didn't really notice it until yesterday though, so it might've been yesterday... anyway, i forgot how allergic i am to bug bites. and it's pretty big. and swollen. but at least it's not red anymore. allergic reaction? i'd like to think so, but i know it's not.

anyway. i was really planning to not be on the net at all this week. but of course once i understand physics, he gives us a really insane problem to do and turn in. and i can't do it. i've worked the problem out the way he told us to. twice. but i keep getting a negative inside a radical. which can't happen. but the answer is supposed to be 52.

and why i didn't notice the answer is 52 and i didn't make some sort of comment about it until now shows me how really fucking out of it i am. you know, since my favorite number is 52. or, at least, it's the first number that ever pops into my head, so i just figure that means it's my favorite.

anyway.

brooks railed on our class today about not doing homework, when me and about 4 other people are the only ones who seem to attempt the homework (since he teaches us how to do the homework the day after it's assigned). i don't know. i'm doing more than fine in that class. and i think i'll do pretty fine on the test on wednesday. but this problem is bugging the shit out of me.

other than that, um, yeah. i have to do gov since i can't do it tomorrow. i really hope i don't feel like this tomorrow. and i already took ibuprofin. shit.

i have to register for the SATIIs this week. and preorder flickerstick's cd. and figure out how i'm gonna get through morning classes without passing out.

how do you program the quadratic formula into your graphing calculator (ti)?

bah. must. stop. rambling.

"also a tender lover."

and now i'm getting antsy for the cd. one more week and then i can ask.

my piercings are doing a whole lot better. which makes me think i might not lose them or have to go to a smaller gauge when i do have to take them out for x-rays. it's been two months, and if i can get them to being healed (or at least appearing to be healed and they don't hurt when things brush against them) in three months, i might get another pair for my birthday. since the tattoo is definitely not happening anytime soon. higher up, like how you usually see helix piercings. that and i think my next july 4th piercing is going to be the last space i have on my lobe. but i have to get it with a gun, and that scares the crap out of me. i haven't been pierced with a gun since i was six, and guns are so bad for you... but it's either pay $20 for a pair with the gun, or $40-$70 with a needle. i would have my aunt do it again, like she did the my last two lobe piercings, but it's gonna be so close to cartilage i don't know if i'd feel safe with her doing it the old ice and cork way. but i have ten months to figure that out. and if i fill up my fallen angel frequent visitor card, i get a free piercing/tattoo. i'm thinking i'll save that for the tattoo.

speaking of piercings: what do you think is the most attractive piercing on 1) you and 2) on the opposite sex? this could potentially tie into a sociology project. which reminds me i have to start working on that.

oh yeah yesterday. so: my dad sold the other computer we had, so we thought it was a good trade to use the money to buy a color printer and a scanner. really super awesome, i'm gonna set them up later today. i got a cell phone (or as my dad likes to say an "electronic marker" so he can keep tabs on me. which is better than an ankle bracelet), and my mom got a new cellphone (so now we have the same ones). it's good, since these phones have better reception for where we live, and it's the flip open kind, so it's like my mom's using a regular phone (you might remember her old school phone was a flip open one. she likes it better. so do i). that and i can set my ring tone to canon. i have to get everyone's number again, since i had them all in my mom's old phone (that we gave alltel when she got this new one).

things to look forward to this week: half day on tuesday, half day for seniors on friday (and i think that retreat is just what we're gonna do for senior week, and i'm thinkin maybe starting to think of class songs and such things. if it's anything like last year though, i'm gonna snap).

things to look forward to next week: we finally get our senior rings on the 18th, and of course the flickerstick cd is available that day.

note to self: do not stay out til midnight for two days in a row. it takes you three days to recuperate. shit, and i didn't even party.

i have to get the whole SAT thing sorted out by the 9th, since that's the last day for regular registration for the october testing date. if i can't change the SATI to the SATIIs, then i'll just take the scheduled SATI (i really want to get a 1300), and register for the SATIIs in november and have them sent straight to UC. but now i'm oddly interested in colorado university at boulder.

i'm trying to post in bulk on weekends, since i don't know if i'll ever get the time to post on weekdays, what with my homework and all. so you might not hear from me again until friday or saturday, depending on if blogger dies again.

tired now. ibuprofin is my new best friend. off.

open your eyes

and so he was right. as much as i hate to admit it, it's getting quite good. go check it out. he likes feedback.

we got new toys today that i'll be playing with tomorrow. tell you about it later. the past two nights just caught up with me, and i feel like shit.

i have to sleep for 12 hours now. off.

seriously

firstly, blogger was being stupid yesterday, so i couldn't post when i wanted to. which really sucks.

second: i know my comments haven't worked in over a week. yaccs' server died, and they had to replace it, which takes time with all the zillion users they have. it's not a huge problem for me, since i've only posted twice or so since then. and guess what? a week after i check and see that haloscan is accepting new signups, they close. which slightly sucks, 'cause i was gonna sign up for an alternate commenting system for when shit like this happens. good news: when i was manic making alex's blog, i signed her up for 3 commenting systems, one of which is no longer in existense, one that she uses (enetation), and haloscan. so for the next few days (hopefully only a few more) i'll use her haloscan account for commenting here.

the net can't find blogspot blogs at the moment. bah.

things like this remind me why i want to change to moveable type.

anyway, on to previous things.

this week started off like shit. first i registered for SATs again on monday, and then find out that i have to take/register for 3 SATIIs by october 30 for UC. (ok, so i knew that i'd have to take at least one SATII, but berkeley's site never gave any concrete info on this subject. that and i have to do this before oct. 30.) this wouldn't have pissed me off so much except that for the huge site berkeley has, it's really hard to find certain information. bitching aside, now i have to figure out how to change my SAT registration for oct 11 so that i take the SATIIs then, and not lose the $28.50 we paid for the SATI registration. which, i realized, i'm pretty fucked on that subject, seeing as how they make you agree to a disclaimer before registering a second time saying that you pretty much don't get the money back if you don't take the test. ah well. if it comes down to it i'll just pay my dad back for the $30 i wasted for not checking UC again before i registered.

monday night i barely ate anything at all, so of course tuesay morning i almost passed out because my blood sugar crashed. i had been really good about actually eating for about four months before this (which is amazing), so this kicked me in the head again that i really have to eat every meal even if the thought of food makes me sick. i really don't want to be diabetic when i'm young. that's the only thing my anticipated hypochondria is raving about lately (i finally got over my mild hypochondria. i got it into my head that i have to stop worrying and do something about it (so much for me and thinking logically)). so for the most part i've been good about my excess sugar intake, and i finally got over my 16 year caffeine addiction. i've been trying to take a lot of vitamin c to help my piercings too. now if i can only get off my ass and get some exercise.

school this week was pretty decent. i actually understand the physics we're doing right now, which is super good since we have a test next week. all in all (except for calc) i'm doing pretty good. i have to start working on quarter projects soon, and reading, and looking at plays for drama. bah. and homework.

highlight of the week: i finally went to zozobra. in all my almost 18 years of life, this year was the first time i actually went. and now it's my new favorite holiday (oh the fire, the pretty pretty fire). while i found it pretty funny that the two big catholic holidays are based on pagan holidays, it's really hilarious how pagan zozobra is (and really fiestas are pretty sketchy if you think about it, the whole spanish "peaceful" re-conquering and all). they can't even start to give any catholic explanation for this one. there was other talk about how zozobra resembles... um... racism and hate crime... but hey, we're just burning a huge puppet! no harm there!

i handled the crowds pretty well, which is odd considering how many people were there. if i'm still home for zozobra next year, i'm totally going.

think i'm getting the cell phone today. my dad really liked the whole pre-paid idea, so we're buying something like $25 worth of minutes for my grandpa to use, upping my mom's minutes to 300, and adding a phone for me and i can share minutes with my mom. now i won't have to worry about running out of gas or getting caught in traffic jams (they're starting tesuque corridor construction this month) and not being able to call someone.

it might not seem like it, but i'm really getting better about not worrying so much.

i've been really good about not pestering my dad for his credit card so i can preorder the ep. i have til the 18th, so it's ok to wait awhile. and i know the connextion will have them in stock, seeing as how that's the only way most all the fans buy flickerstick merch. plus i'm really happy that i can pay my dad back for the cd on the spot, since i still have money left. which reminds me...

oy, apparently after i left the party last night they had a bonfire. and they all didn't get drunk. the one time i anticipate the results of a family party, they end up having a kick ass time. with fire. go figure. that's ok though, i'm sure that there'll be more parties in the future with more than just three of the eight siblings there. next august daniel's getting married (unless some really bad shit happens between now and then). that's sure to be an awesome party.

random thought that isn't really that random: people, if you plan on getting drunk and need someone sober to drive you home, or make sure you don't go kill yourself doing something stupid, or whatever, call me. while i don't enjoy being around drunk people, i'd much rather be around if you happen to need me.

and now i think i've ranted enough to make up for a week of not posting.

the net still can't find any blogspot blogs. bah.

i'm off.

when you're not around

it's out for preorder at the connextion.

Flickerstick - To Madagascar and Back EP/DVD. release date: september 18, 2003.

three weeks. just three weeks and things will be so much better. it has to be better than this.

dagron

first off, yaccs' server is temporarily fried. so that means no comments for... a couple days at least. this still does not prompt me to switch commenting systems (haloscan is accepting new members again, and i still hate enetation). yaccs is up more than enetation (or sadly haloscan), even though i have to refresh a couple of times every now and then to get the comments. it's still all good though.

secondly: i have almost no homework this weekend. a super shock, seeing as how teachers at our school like to make us suffer. so i only have to finish my calc worksheet(s).

this fact, however, does not help my non-social life.

my piercing is still being a bitch, but now i don't know if it really is infected, or just bruised like when i first got them pierced. which would make complete sense, it's just that i didn't remember it hurting this much. maybe that's because i didn't really touch them for a week after getting them pierced. ah well.

having nothing to do yesterday, i spent a hell of a long time over at homestar runner.com. i can never get enough of it. that and weebl and bob.

my new online project is to make a map of The City in the game i play daily. i used all my action points for the last two days trying to get to a certain street, turns out it wasn't at the place i was heading. so, i will try to fix this problem by creating a map to use.

my parents are working concession at the football game tonight (apparently everyone else was out of town on vacation). i doubt i'll go, but who knows. as long as i can get back before 10pm to watch dot hack.

mmm. off.

waitin for you

what do you do when you're emotional? apparently i try to make myself stop thinking about whatever got me that way in the first place, and end up making it oh so worse.

i think my ear is infected. it's been hurting a hell of a lot since last week. and now i know they won't be healed in time (or at least that one), so i'm doubting they'll still be there by october (the piercings, not my ears). not what i wanted, but i can't do much more about it.

lesson learned: probably not the best thing to get both your ears pierced 13ga at the same time.

i think i'm really scaring the little children i have to drive home this week. i made the observation today that i drive infinitely worse with passengers in my car. and it doesn't help that my brakes don't work all that well.

anyone know of a job i could take on the weekends, i might be interested.

patrick stewart was in santa fe last night, at the college's planetarium. and i, of course, was doing homework.

i'm emotionally drained after this week. hopefully the three day weekend will do something to help that.

hold me closer tiny dancer

i've been on the net for an hour and a half. but it's been for a valid reason... i've been doing physics. and i sure hope that brooks got my quiz grade from the net.

much homework to do. no sociology or physics tomorrow, but i still have homework in both those classes that i have to do for friday.

must get off now.

need to vent

bah. BAH. so far it's been one bad day after another, and it's all because of school. fuck it. i'm not transfering out of calc. i'm not changing anything. it's an honors class, all i have to do is keep a C. which will majorly piss me off, but hey, it's better than stressing about the non-teacher.

and so what if senior year is supposed to be the best? it's just like any other year at that school. why on earth should i even think of having a good time?

so i'm taking it like i took seventh and eighth grade. live for the weekends. do it over again. and one day you'll get out of the dazed indifference and see that the year's halfway over.

if you can't hack the 4.0 gpa, fuck it. why does it matter getting out of state for college anyway? nothing really matters except your relationships, when you think about it. and i, i don't have many of those to worry about anymore.

school is overrated. you could teach your kid everything they'd need to know (k-12) by the time they're 10. it's just such a waste of time.

in other news, apparently my english teacher really liked my "college essay".

go figure.

general math hates me

i had a sad realization today. my favorite class is sociology. and i have only one female teacher (hmm coincidence it's sociology? hmm...).

nothing interesting. i can't figure out if we have late start or not on thursday. why can't they ever make up their minds?

i've been thinking way too much about college lately.

wrong to be materialistic?

first, apparently today is bats day. this, my friends, would be the only reason for me to visit southern cal every year. that is, if i had money to get into the park. and school hadn't started yet.

two: senior ring ceremony is september 18 (my mom said 19, but then said that it wasn't a friday, so probably the 18). slightly pisses me off that i have to wait another 4 weeks to get it, but hey it's something to look forward too. then again, i don't think i'll be looking forward to that at that time.

i still have to do my homework and study for the physics test. i am seriously considering transferring out of calc and into erps class. which means i'm insane, but hey i'm going to be doing 2+ hours of homework per day anyway. at least this way it looks better for colleges to see that i dropped the honors class to do the ap class, instead of just dropping calc altogether.

altogether should be a word. is it? why yes, yes it is. thank you dictionary.com.

the google toolbar blocks popups! if i had known that when my dad put it on our computer, i would've used it a lot by now. added bonus: since google bought blogger, the toolbar has blogthis on it. which i probably knew, but just didn't pay attention to before.

my dad got home last night. LA to here in 11 hours.

i went into town yesterday to do some market research on cell phone plans. my grandpa only uses 2 (if any) minutes per month on his cellphone, and my mom never uses all 250 of hers. they're looking to get me a cellphone (for emergency purposes, 'cause you know how much i love to talk on the phone. um, yeah, that was just a little sarcastic), sharing my mom's minutes, but not paying a shitload for it. seems as if that's not really possible. it would be awesome if you could use sam's club phone cards for your cell phone (3.4 cents a minute baby!).

when i get a job, and have about $200 to waste, i'm buying .hack/sign on dvd. such an awesome show.

and then the crow was on last night too. another dvd i must buy... when we get a dvd player.

someone remind me to register for SATs and ACTs soon. i want to get at least a 1300 and 32 this time around.

i'm off to play awexome cross.

52

and like trogdor, i am now addicted to awexome cross. seriously. now all they need is high scores.

i think i'm gonna go into santa today and look to change my parents' cell phone plan. to one that'll let us bank minutes between 3 phones, and let my grandpa keep The Brick (yes, my grandpa has a brick, it's an awesome phone. that and he's pretty much deaf... and only uses 2 minutes a month, at most). so yeah.

i only have to study for physics this weekend (i don't think studying will help though) and i can do my gov homework that's due thursday.

and i have to name the new puppy. i have this urge to just call her bitch. 'cause you know, it's technically correct.

sid hoffman or sid frenchman?

it's finally friday. this week has been... educational, as well as excruciating. all i can say is, christensen's a crackhead.

both weebl and bob and homestar runner have new stuff.

i watched fight club last week, and 25th hour yesterday, and now i'm hooked on ed norton.

apparently, i'm making a big mistake wanting to go into computers in college.

i say to them, fuck off.

we have no more cats. save the wild ones, but they don't count. and nikki was just getting used to ruling the property... when my neighbor brings my grandpa a new dog (sam aka the old man (the dog) died a week ago or so). it's a girl. it's a blue heeler. i don't know if nikki (australian shepard bitch) is gonna like her, or try to kick the crap out of her. should be interesting to watch. unlike when the pitbull from next door was trying to rip pancho (grandpa's other dog)'s throat out. i was really tempted to hit that dog. i hate the next door dogs. all 5+ of them.

my dad's in LA at the moment, he took my satan's stuff out there in a truck so we wouldn't have to pay for shipping.

with that said, as of today i am again a single child. it's so nice.

i'm concerned that my english teacher's gonna turn me in to the rat, since i wrote "i think about death... a lot" on the paper i handed in yesterday (see post below). those damn adults overreact so much these days.

i hate journals.

kinda ironic, seeing.

physics is going to rape me this year.

i had a chocolate shake about two hours ago. made me feel sick, but it was nice and cold and refreshing at the time.

i plan to majorly sleep in tomorrow.

i hate working in groups.

i've been having increasingly weirder dreams lately.

i occasionally write in cut off sentences, like i think.

is that how you spell excruciating?

i have to go now. off.

THE PERFECT EXAMPLE OF A BAD COLLEGE ESSAY

I don’t like talking about myself. I can never think of things to say that will make me sound interesting to people. The only things that pop into my head is that I like html, Star Trek, duct tape, and fire. Then people say “Yeah, but that doesn’t tell me a thing about you.” How do I respond to that?

I’m odd. I’m relatively quiet. I’m boring. I’m morbid, creepy, distant. I’d rather be talking about the state of blogs rather than the state of the world. I’m compulsive about schoolwork mainly because I don’t like thinking that I could’ve done better. I write better just rambling than trying to formulate an organized essay. I know what my set limitations are, and don’t strive to surpass them. I’m sarcastic and sometimes bitter. I’m a pessimist more often than an optimist. I think about death… a lot. I rely on logic in making my decisions. I’m not adventurous. I’m not bold, unless being bold is not caring what other people think of me. I’m emotional about little ridiculous things. I’m tired of oh so many situations, and can’t wait for a change. I value my freedoms. I’m passionate about nothing, save for when I feel I’m being screwed over by the Man taken advantage of. I don’t claim any religion, I don’t even claim a god. I can’t scream, I can barely even yell. I hate conflict, and try to avoid it as much as possible.

I tell people this, and they would prefer the Star Trek, duct tape, and fire answer. So I tell them. I enjoy scifi and the ideas in the Star Trek universe. I can ponder time travel and alternate realities for hours. I think duct tape is the answer to the everyday problem of broken items. It’s strong, adhesive, and looks awesome. I also know that both “duct tape” and “duck tape” are correct, and can tell you why. I hold fire to be my symbol. I love the look of fire, the necessary warmth, the destruction and creation, and the thought of what fire is. Of html, I like writing code and seeing how it translates into an aesthetically pleasing appearance. I like being able to have the ability to change the look and function of a page. I find it frustrating that I can’t format a document using html in Microsoft Word.

Other people would probably have different opinions on who they believe me to be, but I can only say how I see myself to be at this time. I know that I will change over time, but I will always keep my values and strive to learn as much as I can about things that interest me. For now, I can only be myself.

[um... i don't want to spend another 2-3 hours writing an essay that my teacher would actually like. and i have more homework to do. and blogger just ate my previous post of this, i'm not gonna rewrite what i wrote before. word.]

funny times at this is ridiculous high

i spelled ridiculous right. i think it was how i was pronouncing it that gave me the trouble... the sarcastic "this is so fucking re-diculous". yeah.

now i have to somehow write a "college essay" (i cannot explain to how how ridiculous this is to me) telling them about "me". so, in other words, they want me to say "i'm a bitter pessimistic person. and i don't like you. and i hate writing. screw off so i can go post." yeah, that'll work. i wrote the rough draft rambling on about blogs. i find that when i can't think of anything to write, i either ramble about blogs, or duct tape. i would ramble about flickerstick, but no one cares.

i'm not doing my homework right now. i am going to be seriously screwed in the homework area this year.

i'm off.

and this is when i say oh fucking fuck

new rule: do not hug kristin if you cannot avoid touching/smashing her ears. i do not appreciate the pain or the bleeding that results in this. and i would like to try and heal these things up by january. if i had 18ga (instead of 14ga), it probably wouldn't be that big of an issue. but, for my comfort and so that i won't be in an even more outrageously pissed off mood than i was before, don't do it.

thanks. really.

why do i even bother?

yesterday, after getting another one of those annoying "upgrade AIM?" messages again, i finally decided to upgrade. after it was done, i see 3 more shortcuts on my desktop that weren't supposed to be there, and a downloaded .exe file that aohell put on my computer. like i'm gonna give up explorer. and then i remember, "isn't there supposed to be some super-evil worm around the net, and i just downloaded something from aohell from the net..." so, me not liking clutter (and since i haven't copied my files to disk in about 2 months), i got rid of aim. and i tried to get rid of all the other stupid files they put on my computer, don't know if it worked though. and now i have to go through the process of re-downloading aim. screw the worm, i'm getting my files off the computer first.

i had a really weird dream last night. i don't know where those things come from.

question: in technical terms, what are hiccups?

cripes, i have to do what little homework i have today, and go to superwalmart and get all the school stuff i need.

i actually contemplated designing a physics site throughout this year on friday. i wonder if it would get me extra credit...

i'm off. hope the worm doesn't kill my computer.

"i want pie!"

do we ever realize how much time we have left in life? in our young age, do we ever take the time to think "this could be the day i die"? people don't like to think about death. it's a haunting thought that everyone knows that they're gonna die, but they put it off thinking they'll live a long, healthy, happy life.

but what if you did die today? how would your death impact the lives of your family, your friends? would it matter? would anyone care?

would you care?

the things that you'd miss. the joys, the sorrows, every little detail that you never noticed, would you regret not taking the time to notice them? every painful thing that happened to your body, every scrape, cut, bruise, burn, broken bone, illness or malady, were you ever thankful that you could feel that pain, because it meant you were still alive?

would you be content that when someone gave your eulogy at your funeral, they'd get it right, or would you regret that no one ever knew who you really were?

would you not have any regrets at all?

every single minute in every day, did you live them how you wanted to? and even if you couldn't live how you wanted, were you content and happy with what you did do with your life?

i've thought about death a lot in the past few years. maybe too much. death doesn't scare me, it never did. i was always puzzled when people would cry at funerals when i was little. i was taught that when people died, they went to heaven, that the point of life was to get into heaven. so why wouldn't people be celebrating that? heaven is a complete paradise, where you get to be with god and jesus, so why wouldn't we celebrate that they got to leave earth and go to paradise?

i never planned to live this long. for some reason, i was always convinced that i'd die before i graduated high school. and now that i'm here, i don't see myself as living past college.

i would think about different ways i could possibly die. i'd think about my funeral. i'd think about how my family would react to it. and it completely repulsed me, because i realized that they wouldn't have any idea of who i was. and then there were times that i thought about what it would be like if i did die when i was born, or if zack hadn't died, and they never thought about having a third child. would my family think about me like how i think about him? it's something to think about, you never even existing.

thinking about death now, does it scare me? no. living scares me a lot more than death could ever scare me. with death, you have regrets about what you didn't get to do or experience during life. there was always the possibility where it could've happened if you'd lived. but to live a full life, and still be miserable, and have regrets... you banked on those possibilities, but they never happened... what then? life scares me.

but what if i died today? what would i miss? regret that i did/didn't do in the past, or didn't get the chance to do in the future?

i would miss alex. everything about her. the conversations we'd have that mean a lot in life, friendship, the future, the present. the conversations we'd have with britt, me sitting on the floor listening to everything, speaking up every once and awhile.

i would miss kyle hugs. his views on life and anything else. the insane blast of energy he brings into a room. i'd regret never having all those conversations that i wanted to with him.

i'd miss the groups of friends i'd have around me at any given party or get-together.

i'd regret never speaking my mind, defending what i believe when The Man puts me down.

i'd regret not doing what i wanted to do because i wanted to avoid a conflict.

i'd regret not saying how i feel.

i'd regret never taking beautiful pictures, being the photographer that i've always wanted to.

i'd regret never being kissed.

i'd regret not getting my tattoo.

i'd miss music. i'd miss flickerstick, and regret that i never got to listen to the new music or see them in concert.

i'd miss never skiing taos again, regret not doing all the double blacks that i would enjoy more now, regret not doing al's run without biffing it every fifth mogul.

i'd regret never taking my own advice and writing my own will and eulogy.

i'd regret never using my talents for something useful.

i'd regret never having the time to build up some decent self-esteem.

i'd regret not being myself at all times.

-- yeah, this was about what happened yesterday, but then again it's been on my mind a lot. i'll try to keep this in mind this year, see how much of a difference it makes.

day 0

cripes. i just read a nice fight over in the comments at gutrumbles. ok, i lied. i didn't read the whole thing. one of my contacts is freaking out, and it was a very long thing to read. but i skimmed a good bit of what i didn't read.

anywho. it's lightening outside, so i must try to make this short.

i got a top locker. made my day.

i have mr. spray for english, not br. andre, and have mr. sharer for gov/econ, not mr. garcia. should be interesting.

that's... about all i have to say right now.

oh yeah, my car gets 16 gallons (gas), not 12. which means i can go at least 150 miles more than i have been.

ahok, i'm done.

i like the orange dano template. it's the nicest, simplest one i've seen, not to mention easy on the eyes. the green one, now that's just... well i don't enjoy green.

i haven't gotten around to fixing my template anymore. the only coding stuff i've done in the past, month, is alex's archives. which made me want to fix my archives. but then i remembered that i wanted to look around for a nicer template, preferably in css.

my venture out today was a complete bust. nada could be found. i have one pair of sterling silver earrings in right now, but i'm convinced my ears are going to freak out. i'm allergic to almost anything. which is why i've always worn gold. and now surgical steel. bah. i don't want silver, but it might have to do if i want them all to match.

bah. i'm off.

sales are awesomes

damn. what a day. now if only we could've gotten my pants on sale. then it would've been killer.

i got new shades and earbuds, must look for earrings mañana. also found an awesome messenger bag, but it was $65, so i'm gonna look for it on the net.

i cleaned my car yesterday, and got hooked on windex. i think i'm gonna add that to the essentials: duct tape, a lighter, and now windex.

so school things seem cleared away, i've got my pants (for now, unless i can find a size 12 somewhere), cleaned my car, have my new mattress and now with today we have sheets, all i have to do is clean my room before monday.

oh yeah, and do my nails. i damned near ripped my thumb nail off again on sunday when we got home from burque. i need to use my nail-repair kit thing, and then paint them all so i won't have to worry about them. for about a week.

i really want to get together with somebody tomorrow, but i have no idea where everyone is. still at work? gone? i don't know. maybe this'll keep me from spending the little bit of money i earned last week.

i'm off.

and counting?

i don't know if i want to post about yesterday. too much stuff, and it's not all that interesting the day after. bah.

first off: i missed sounds like that's blogaversary. well, not so much missed it as was too out of it to post then. i remember last year, helping alex set up that blog (and the 3 commenting systems i went through before i settled on using enetation for it), the walkie talkies and pudding, and the wonderfulness of having one of my friends blogging (of course it started before that, but it doesn't count until you get your own blog). so congrats on one year of blogging. here's to 3000 more hits the next year.

that said, today seems to be pyromania's blogaversary too. oddly i started this "personal blog" because i felt that too many people knew about my other blog, and that i couldn't write what i wanted on it anymore. so i started pyromania for the purpose of writing exactly how i felt at the time. thoughts going through my head, my worries, my rants, the journey of sorting stuff out in my head. did it work? partly. i wrote long, ranting posts in the beginning, fading out to short ranting posts in the end. the end. i thought about it more than once this summer, but that's probably because it was one of the worse summers that i remember. things will even out now that school's starting. less time to post, so less posting, so more of what i really want to say will come out. hopefully.

so to recap: "personal blog"? not so much anymore, but i want to try to change that.

one year down.

exactly

and this, my friends, is one of the reasons why i read pandora's casket:

It amazes me how honest some people can be, how sure of themselves. I am finding more and more out about someone I thought I knew, someone I thought I had a grasp on and now I realize I never knew her and you never really know someone. Sure you can predict their behavior and you can assume their reaction from seeing it over and over. You can know what's going on in their life and perhaps what they think about it, but you will never get past that 2nd skin. That part inside them that holds them together, you will never truly know what makes them tick. What keeps them going. What little, disregarded dream makes them get up in the morning. Even if they tell you, you can't picture it the way they do, and you can't understand it the way they do. So why do we try? Why do we put ourselves out into the world to find that person we can truly know and love if we will never know them?

i'm a little out of it right now. i took some ibuprofin almost half an hour ago... it hasn't kicked in yet. i really want to get out today, spend some time with my friends. but non of them are on aim, and i never call anyone, so that will most likely not happen. ah well.

i have a feeling next week will be hectic. i don't want to be anxious or worry about anything. i don't want to be unsure. i don't want to not be myself. i just want to glide back into school, into the routine of it all. i haven't decided if i want this year to be about grades, or fun. focusing on next year, or focusing on myself and the present. i don't know.

and i probably won't know until it's too late.

the long version

[disclaimer] if you're one of those people that's squeamish at all about blood, or just doesn't like to read my long rants, skip this one.

so, last tuesday my orthodontist (dr. hernandez) says that in order for them to take my braces off, i have to have this little procedure done by my dentist. they won't take my braces off until 6 weeks after the procedure, so i was pretty pissed that the only time they could fit me in at my dentist was the 28 of august. but they called me up at 3 and said they had an opening, and to get my ass down there.

see, i believed dr. h when he said it was a "little procedure". my dentist however told me that he hates doing this. this set me on edge, why should my dentist hate doing a little procedure? i found out when they sat me down and said "ok, we're gonna have to numb you up with shots quite a bit". they sure weren't kidding. (sidenote: the last time i got shots in my mouth was in second grade when this whole tooth fiasco started). it's quite something to hear him say "you're gonna feel a little pica" and then not feel a damn thing, until i feel the pressure inside my gum and the needle feel like it hit my tooth (i don't think it did...). after the second shot my eyes started watering. they apparently thought i was in so much pain i was crying, i told them later it was an involuntary response to getting the shots, but i don't know if they could understand me. all in all, i got 10 shots, two on each tooth. now the easy part.

see, the "little procedure" was that they had to cut the fibers (i could get more in detail but that would take another paragraph) on five of my teeth. this required my dentist to get under the gum on the front and back of the five teeth with one of those metal pick-like things and, well, rip cut the fibers. oh yeah, not that bad until you hear the popping sound when he rips cuts them. thought when this started: "they're RIPPING THROUGH MY GUMS!!!" and it's a good thing i like medical stuff, or else i would've freaked when i saw them suck up the blood through that straw thing. it's really weird when i couldn't feel anything they were doing to me, but i could taste the blood in my mouth. and then all was done and i was left to go home with a numb mouth. my nose is even numb. it would freak me out, except that i find it all pretty cool.

all in all, it wasn't painful. discomfort, yeah, a bit at certain points. but i have a pretty high threshold for pain. the only thing i really have a problem with is when my joints hurt, or i have a headache (go figure). like everything else that has had to do with my braces, i found it quite fascinating (i actually entertained the thought of going to college to become an orthodontist when i was at one of my appointments. i thought it was that cool).

the interesting part now: i can't feel my lips! i can't feel if my teeth are touching each other or not! the bottom of my nose is numb and slightly tingling! ok that last one is a little weird. wow, i actually just thought that i could get my nose pierced right now and not feel a damn thing. for that matter, i could get my lip pierced too. and a labret piercing (aren't those uncomfortable??). holy shit i'm hooked. i just went to bme to look at labrets. oy.

what was i talking about? oh yeah, being numb. anyway, all the discomfort and (interesting) numbness is totally worth it. why? because if all else goes well i'll get my braces off in about six weeks, or my closest appt. after that.

that will be one hell of a long post.

i'm off to surf bme. (sidenote: i just realized i don't have bme on my links. will change that shortly.)

funny sad

so: projected release date of the ep is september 13th. hopefully they'll have it available at the connextion sometime around then too.

i have to find time to go into burque and get pants for school. preferably before book day.

hmm... goal for today: either clean my room, or clean my car. it's damn hot outside, so i'll probably clean my room.

edit

so i fixed the last post to define that they're the 52 favorite songs that i currently have the cd's to. it makes me not feel as bad this way, since i know i left out a whole bunch of my favorite songs. so yeah.

52 favorite songs (in my collection)

i stole the idea of 50 favorite songs from alex. actually, i butchered my starting list of 153 songs down to 52 (my 52 is like my 165, or brian's 27, except with a better connotation). this list is only made up of songs that i have the cds to (excluding glycerine and tainted love. they are definitely favorites). if i had included foreign language songs, instrumentals, queen, the beatles, etc. etc. etc, and then maybe excluded flickerstick, staind, linkin park, and creed from the list (excluded because i like the whole cd... that's roughly 11 cd's worth of songs right there)... well, then it would be... more rounded? also, i'm sure that if i tried to put together all my favorite songs, i'd forget about fifty. or so.

bold= artist, (#)= number of songs, italics= album

flickerstick: (10)
welcoming home the astronauts (226 records & epic versions)

lift, got a feeling, beautiful, smile, coke, sorry, you’re so hollywood, hey, direct line, execution

staind: (10)
dysfunction

mudshovel

break the cycle

fade, it’s been awhile, outside, waste

14 shades of grey

price to pay, how about you, so far away, reality, blow away

smashing pumpkins: (5)
mellon collie and the infinite sadness

zero, bullet with butterfly wings, fuck you (an ode to no one), muzzle, bodies

linkin park: (5)
hybrid theory

in the end, forgotten

meteora

somewhere i belong, faint, breaking the habit,

bush: (1)

glycerine

soft cell: (1)

tainted love

counting crows: (1)
recovering the satellites

goodnight Elisabeth

ben folds: (2)
ben folds live

emaline, brick

jimmy eat world: (1)
bleed American

get it faster

tears for fears: (4)
shout: the very best of tears for fears

mad world, shout, everybody wants to rule the world, woman in chains

creed: (5)
my own prison

torn, my own prison, what’s this life for, one

weathered

one last breath

fuel: (2)
fuel
shimmer

something like human

hemorrhage

incubus: (3)
make yourself

drive

morning view

wish you were here, are you in?

matchbox 20: (2)
yourself or someone like you

busted

more than you think you are

could i be you

long live el dangeroso

first off: when you start a diet, is it common to crave everything you can't eat? that's how it's been for me all weekend. the only thing keeping me from giving in is the knowledge that i'd most likely feel sick afterward. and the experiment continues.

secondly: flickerstick just finished the ep. it has six tracks, and their working on making the dvd from footage of the cac show to put with it. projected release date: fall 2003. since they don't have to mess with any major record company, i'd think that odds are it'll be out before december, hopefully november. who knows, now that they're signed up with war?. they're also going into studio to record the next album in september, so as for now the release date of before end of january 2004 looks good.

so much flickerstick to look forward to this year. and special appearances by el dangeroso.

speaking of flickerstick, i saw cac (but not whta) at borders the last time i was there. made me happy.

oh yeah, and apparently the street team's site is permanently dead. no matter though. not like we're doing much right now.

i had a really scary thought last night: when i get my braces off, they're gonna take another round of x-rays. which means i'll have to take my earrings out. that's not even a full four months since i got them pierced. and cripes, is it gonna hurt trying to put those bastards back in. hopefully it'll only be a matter of minutes, and taking them out won't make the piercings angry, and it'll be no problem. the only other thing i can think of is if there is a problem, put in 16 ga. instead of the 14 ga.

i think about this way too much.

oy, and now i just spent another half an hour over at bme. i love that place.

.hack/sign

the only anime type thing that i'd ever watched was digimon. and then, a couple of weeks ago, i found .hack/sign on cartoon network. awesomes. it's dark, creepy, and anime. now it seems i'm hooked. too bad it only comes on saturday nights at 10.

my dad went on a buying binge today. we went to burque for... well i'm not sure what we went for, but i think it was a new couch. we looked at couches, and ended up buying a desk and mattress for my satan. and oh, it doesn't stop there. my dad bought a mattress for them, and one for me. granted, we all need actual beds, our backs are shot, but i don't know where he has the money to pay for all that stuff.

oh wait, i do. that yearly bigass loan they're taking out every year.

oh well. at least i'll be able to sleep now.

hopefully.

oy

i spent about an hour yesterday cleaning up the code in my template. it's got a lot of stuff that seems like it doesn't need to be repeated. so i'm either gonna change it to css, or scrap it and make a new one for pyromania's blogaversary. which is in what, a little over a week? damn, i should've switched over long ago.

things i have to do in the next week: get pants for school. try to change dentist appt. to sometime closer to now instead of the 28th. clean car. clean room (again). price earrings. start waking up at 8am every day.

bah. and i have to stop drinking sodas. shouldn't be that hard to do, considering i've cut all other excess sugar from my diet.

damn

cripes was i on a tangent yesterday. that almost never happens.