blue duct tape

and so it began. mobile homes: not the best made things in the world.

we went into spaña a couple of hours ago and filled my car up with gas, so now i can actually drive more than 15 miles without worrying that i'm gonna be stranded.

mmm. bah. i'm waiting for someone to get on aim so i can say "hey wanna go see a movie tonight", 'cause although i don't mind seeing movies alone, i feel a lot better if someone's there with me. that and it keeps all the weird people from sitting next to me.

i was just surfing blogs and now i have this to say: if you haven't used your blog since 2001 or 2002, DELETE IT. let someone else get the address they want instead of standing on it with only one post saying "this is my first post". really. if you haven't used your blog in over a year, then you're probably never going to use it. and if you do happen to get blogging again, you can get another blog.

this from a person who posts crap every day.

if i had a life

i was just thinking that i should go see 28 days later at 7:30. but then i remembered that i'd need to get gas if i went into santa fe. that and it's still light out, and i can't wear my contacts today since my eyes are freaking out, so i can't wear my sunglasses to drive, which means i probably can't drive.

thinking of doing a blackout. for the rest of summer. hmmm.

oh fucking fuck

this blows. and, most likely, this next week will majorly suck. and more likely, this next month will majorly suck. reasons: one- alex is leaving the sixth and will be gone for two weeks. the only redeeming thing about hummingbird is that she loves it so much. and if she loves it, then i say it's good. b- kyle's going on vacation sometime this month. not that i've seen him more than once this summer. or talked to him much. it's just good to know he's around so i could harass him if i ever get bored enough. thirdly- new floor fiasco. four- satan. e- it's fucking cold in here, but then it's really fucking hot out there. sixthly- i want my fucking schedule for next year already. fucking fuck i only needed 2 and a half credits to graduate, but no, fucking st. mike's makes you get a full schedule. so i have no idea what the fuck i signed up to take. seven- i don't WANT to take the SATs or ACTs again damnit. if the bastards don't think a 1280 and a 30 is good enough, then fuck em. and i'm not even bothering with SAT IIs. bastards. h- every other emotional/psychological stupidity that i frequently entertain. ninthly- i'm two seconds away from saying fuck college and going to nmsu. ten- I CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP.

aw fuck. either writing all this shit down is really helping me, or making me more and more fucked up.

fucking fuck.

rock on

now i have alejandro sanz stuck in my head again. mmm.

so my parents went off to see if they could sell the desks and other big furniture items somewhere else. it's been an hour... they should be home by now.

my dad's taking the week off. we're going into burque mañana and picking up the floor (it's a laminate floor, the snap together kind, like pergo. it's pretty kick ass). we have to move everything in our living room/kitchen out so we can rip out the carpet and put the floor in probably tuesday.

um... they just drove up... and the trailer is empty... this is scaring me just a bit. so much so that i must get off and see what the hell happened (please say they sold them and didn't dump them please please).

bugger off

i just realized where i saw the new blogger layout before. blogskins. i knew it looked familiar.

one month. one whole fucking month. everyone leaves in july. quite sad. now i have even less people to hang out with. ah well jess is supposed to be back very very soon. and she damn well better have pictures of hot foreign guys.

i should make about four more things to sell tomorrow. more chokers, since i've only done one.

cripes. i'm switching back for awhile. i like the darkness, but i'm not really into it at this moment. but who knows how i'll be by the end of next week.

um... holy fuck batman...

now i saw that they switched my old blog over to the new interface a couple of weeks ago. didn't get all that worked up about it 'cause i damn near never use that blog anyway. but now, now it's new blogger worldwide. at least on pyromania. good thing: it's blue! and me likes my blue. good thing: from what i can see, the settings are easier/nicer to use. and it looks like you can have a title bar set on every post... i like the old heading tag myself so i'll probably keep it. thirdly: the whole archives on your main, the one i could never in my life figure out, is now an option. it let's you freakin choose if you want your archives on your main or on another page.

looks like so far they're getting their shit together. now let's see if i still get any of those stupid java publishing errors. and then go to the help page and see that it's broken.

bad thing: it's different! just when i got totally used to everything blogger (except stupid error messages), they change it on me. bad thing: possible errors in the switchover. switch-over. switch. no longer makes any sense in my head.

now that i've ranted about blogger, let me get on to the other thing i've been doing. listening to wil's audblog. road tripping to from LA to tulsa. i can relate to most of the things in his trip from LA to burque, except for one: acoma. yeah, we went and checked out acoma pueblo (from a ways away, didn't want to pay the little tourist fee to actually go up there and check it out). but there's one thing i know you don't do at a pueblo: take pictures. big no no. usually you even try to whip out a camera at a pueblo and you're politely (if not forceably) removed. so yeah. bit of a shock that the security guard let them take pictures. despite the huge sign that says "NO PICTURES" or something of the sort that you pass while going to see acoma.

ranted enough about that. it's just that it shocks the hell out of me.

it also seems that they got in on the end of the fire on tuesday. and then last night it starts up again. and stupid news cuts in on the last ten minutes of law and order. and it was a good law and order too. bah.

yesterday i went back over to sawbones' (fallen angel). they say that yeah, i have enough room to pierce my ears again before i hit cartilage. which means that i'd have my aunt do it again like my last two. but sawbones is so cool, and really helpful (we talked about cartilage piercings and how new mexico is one of the only states where piercing guns aren't illegal), and i'd way rather give my money to him than aware. and i think i really do want a cartilage piercing. so it's this: either next week i go over to my aunt and have her pierce my ears (no cartilage) again, or go to fallen angel and have them pierce my cartilage (and i'm getting both ears done). with my aunt, it's free, and only 3-6 weeks of healing time. with sawbones, it's $90 ($45 per cartilage piercing), and 3-6 months of healing time. so i have to spend the next week figuring out what the hell i'm gonna do. because it's gonna be one of them this summer and the other one next summer, i just have to figure out which one i want done now.

i just can't get over how blue this new interface is.

now i must get off and eat breakfast. or lunch, since it is almost noon. and i must try to get a hold of alex.

me and my arrow

so i'm sitting here listening to this cracked out album that i remember watching when i was very little. huh? wha? nilsson's "the point". did any of your parents ever show you this animated film, or let you listen to the album? maybe it was just because my mom was a bit of a hippie... it's weird that i can remember watching that thing. i remember the story, the songs, the really cracked out visuals and people (the rock man...). i guess that kind of thing wouldn't bother a little kid, especially with my imagination.

even listening to it again now makes me remember how awesome it is. deep stuff. it would rock if our turntable wasn't broken and we could listen to the original instead of the tape recording of it. super cool.

this little wonderful find was due to the fact that my mom's cleaning out our living room. we have to have everything out of it next monday or so so that we can put in the floor (which, you know, makes sense...), so we're finding all this cool old stuff. mostly looking for stuff we (my mom, my aunt, and me) can sell at the mini flea market saturday. i started making stuff on saturday. i'm averaging 3 pieces a day, but who knows if they'll sell.

my satan took my car today. so that means no getting out for me today.

i'm feeling lightheaded again. so i'll be off.

oh. goody.

i awoke this morning again to the wonderful sound of people yelling at each other. another great way to start a week.

so i watched the crow again last night. a really excellent movie. brandon would've been damn proud.

so my brother's car died on saturday. so now we have to put up with that whole deal. i was just surprised as hell to see that he took my mom's van instead of my car in to work today.

fucking fuck.

an unsuccessful day

despite my readiness to head into santa fe and find exactly what i was looking for, i totally neglected to remember that hobby lobby is closed on sundays. and michael's didn't have what i was looking for. damn them. that was 60 miles worth of gas wasted. and to think i could've just stayed online this whole time.

it's quite scary when i'm driving, and can't remember driving for the past two miles, and find that i'm going 70 in a 35 mph construction zone. and the fact that my brakes don't work all that well doesn't help either. if i ever get in a crash, it's probably because my brakes went out. but that's never gonna happen, 'cause i don't get in car accidents. or get tickets. or anything else. and i'm finally getting my full license next month. not that it makes any difference. did you know we're not supposed to drive past midnight? i had no idea until i read the little graduated license thing again recently.

mmm. the crow is on tv in half an hour. and i have nothing to do but sit back and watch it. mmm.

pain relative to thought

the weirdest phrases pop into my head lately.

i have a feeling that i will probably get out of my house and go into santa in the very near future. after lunch probably. not that i eat lunch or anything.

second night in a row of writing. and it's not the best, or the most coherent, but it's writing. again, i don't know if i'll post it, but it's around if i ever decide to. but anyway, it's a good way to fill up my few hours of time in the night when i can't get to sleep.

i finally started making stuff to sell yesterday. now the question is, will anyone buy them? i don't like just making generic stuff. if i have someone that tells me a design or even gives me the beads to use, that's ten billion times better, 'cause i know they'll be happy with it, and buy it. it's guaranteed. but just making a bunch of generic stuff isn't. if no one buys it, i'm left with bracelets and such that no one wants. and i wear less stuff that i make than i used to. bah.

so here's my question: what do you think would sell better, hemp stuff, or those friendship bracelet things?

and sizes. that's the other thing i don't like. having to make everything two sizes, and not knowing if they'll fit people who actually want to buy them. ah the things i have to put into consideration just to get enough money to pay for getting pierced.

more boring and pointless rants. i think for once this week there are no clouds in the sky. hmmm. i feel lightheaded, so i better go eat something. damn blood sugar.

confused? for once, not really

i don't know what it is about late night revelations. maybe i just think better at night.

thought: what would the world be like if everyone just out and said what they felt about people. would the world be better for it, or worse.

thought: what's the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.

ah. my brother was watching made on mtv this morning and even though i wasn't watching it i was aware enough to recognize beautiful when they started playing it as the background music. i always freak when i hear a flickerstick song on tv. it's awesome.

music is awesome.

more screaming matches yesterday. fun. when satan left, there were no fights, no screaming, at all. but once he comes back, there's a minimum of one per day. yeah. now i remember why i repressed most all of my childhood memories.

and with that in mind, i was glad to get out of the house last night. even if i did have to be around a lot of little children.

i wrote something last night when i got home, but i doubt that i'll post it. i mean, yeah, it's what i feel and i'd come out and tell you if you asked, but since you haven't... bah. i guess i'm still in my old mindset how i don't offer information unless it's asked of me.

and now my mind's off somewhere else.

don't you DARE pull me off.

oddness.

last night i went with my parents into burque. we went to lowes and ordered floor. yes, floor. my dad's taking off the week of july 4th and we're putting it in ourselves, just like we did our cabinets. i think my dad's goal (since he doesn't have enough money to build a house) is to make our house not look like a mobile home. so now we have to clean/clear out all the stuff in our kitchen/living room so we can put the floor in that week.

mmm. i have that, a dentist appt., and probably piercing to do that week. busy, and yet not.

i'm tempted to write out my top fifty favorite songs like alex. i'm sure that if i don't find something to do or somewhere to go today i probably will.

speaking of linkage, i found another blog, ethereal thoughts. from what i've read in the archives and such, i really like it. except that it does have a bit of a christian theme. but hey, the poems and songs are still awesome.

and apparently kyle didn't fall off the face of the earth.

i could say more here, but i won't.

reality

the way i know that a cd is really awesome: it makes me cry. i mean, despite the fact that almost anything makes me cry. but still. that's some powerful music.

so i went into santa yesterday, because i had to get the hell out of my house. after staying at alex's for a while, i went to best buy and bought fourteen shades of grey. i know, i said i wouldn't buy it until i got myself together, but i had to. and it's good that i did. there's just something about music... it helps me sort things out in my head. staind is really good at doing that.

i really wanted to write last night. it's just that now there's too much noise in my head to write what i feel. i need to break down. to let go. to stop caring.

it stopped raining. finally. i used to love the rain. now it just makes me depressed. odd.

i'm probably going to need to get out this weekend. my satan finally started his job, so thankfully i have some peace over here during the day. but hell resumes when he gets home, and weekends mean whole days of him being here. mbah.

oh yeah. flickerstick interview/article. cory says no new cd until january. brandin hopes late summer. considering they plan to go into the studio in july, and the live cd took five months to be released after being recorded, i think cory's closer to the real date. that's ok. i can wait.

ok. i'm out.

i should go write my soul down.

kick me while i'm down.

thought running through my head at midnight:

what's there to look forward to?

mbah.

hmm. blogger just ate my post. that hasn't happened to me in a very very long time.

i would be more pissed off about this, but as it was that post was crap. not that this one is any better.

i'll be back when i sort out what i want to say.

sugar high

yesterday before i went over to alex's i watched empire records. again. and i remembered why i liked the movie so much when i watched it the first time, and it wasn't just because of ethan embry (then still ethan randall). and it really helped that i actually saw the beginning this time.

we saw the most amazing sky last night. full moon, scattered clouds. beautiful. the kind of thing you live your life to see. what was it brandon lee said? "Because we do not know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustable well. Yet everything happens a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that is so deeply a part of your being that you can't even concieve of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more. Perhaps not even that. How many times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless." - Brandon Lee during his final interview

this last week i've been... off. emotionally and all. from the fact that i'm physically fucked up, and because of everything else that just came together at a point a week ago. my outlook has changed. and i still miss you, but it doesn't bother me as much as it did before. i don't know if that's a good thing. probably not. but, you know, when you love someone, that's all you can do. just love them with all your being, no matter where they are.

of course you know.

i've been thinking a lot about buddhism, and a tattoo, and finding a balance in my life. i don't know what i'll finally end up doing, or going, or being, but i don't want to live my life like this. maybe i'd rather live in a fantasy world. i don't know. but i have to change, even if my reality doesn't.

speaking of change, i like the black look for now. i might change it back later on this week. but for now, i need the clarity of darkness.

tales of an earth with no purpose

a guitar scorched into my soul. the voice starts out soft, telling the story, gets edgier, a soul cut open and shown to the world, the final scream. rage. pain. hurt. chaos. all backed by a guitar.

those eyes. i looked into them, and they cut right through me. i've known those eyes before. i'm almost certain. maybe it was because i was wanting to see them again. because i miss them so much. and i don't even know why. salvation. those eyes are the last source of my salvation. but there was a connection. i saw him, and those eyes didn't just look at me, they saw me.

"love is suicide"

words to live by.

let me rest in pieces

a day in santa sure takes a lot out of a person.

first off: victoria's secret semi-annual sale. you have to wait six months for the next one, so go before it's too late.

so my car isn't making odd noises anymore. we took it in today and got the fanbelt replaced (which we knew we had to do). tomorrow morning we're taking it in to get all the tire stuff done to it (shocks, alignment, etc.). so i should have my nice old grandma olds back and healthy by tomorrow afternoon.

i like my old grandma car.

went and checked out prices for cartilage piercings. aware: $20 piercing, jewelry (hoop) $15 and up. which means both ears for at least $70. fallen angel: $45 plus tax. and that's piercing and jewelry. so that adds up to $90 for both ears. aware is apparently the best for professional piercing (the guy at fallen angel told me that if i don't get it there i should most definitely go to aware), but the thing is, fallen angel just felt better. i got really weird vibes from aware. bad vibes. and the guys at fallen angel were really nice, and the place had a friendly feel, and just, well, felt better. i don't know. aware is the best place, price wise and experience and all, but it didn't feel right. bah. well i have a month to figure it out. that and i have to save about $60. unless i decide to only get one ear done.

i've finally started doing some hemp stuff and weaving. i thought that the hemp stuff took a long time to do, apparently i didn't remember the 3 hours it takes to do the embroidery thread friendship bracelet weaving. i'm thinking for the time alone those are gonna be close to $5. i have to make a whole bunch of stuff, since my mom and aunt are going to get a table in this flea market in pojoaque that's coming up.

mbah. i'm sitting here, but nothing else is coming.

i'm off to finish a bracelet.

step into the night

i'm finally done with that damn site. i can't tell if it's better or worse than how it was before, but right now my head hurts and i can't seem to care. so now you can see my redesigned pathetic site.

it's like the fucking dust bowl outside. insane. i just got back from super walmart. shopping. with my gram. and satan. and a six year old. all my favorite people. fun.

it's a good thing i'm still seventeen and broke.

my car goes into the shop for an engine check on wednesday.

listening to staind. i would have fourteen shades of grey right now, except i made myself promise not to get it until i got off my ass and did some physical activity. so far it hasn't worked. but it shall, 'cause i really want that cd.

bah. i think that having a uterus when you're not ever gonna have children is cruel and unusual punishment. seriously. bah, i could go off on this but i won't. i'll just leave.

faint

i slept last night! within two hours of getting in bed, i was asleep. out. totally. and then i wake up at 8:40 this morning because my mom had a dentist appt. and we had to watch my cousin at 9. fun. he's actually a pretty cool kid, for being a six year old. kid's gonna be a genius when he gets older.

anyway, i got up. got my day started. sorted more of my bead stuff and found out that i have to go get some more hemp size beads. that or get a smaller size hemp, but all anyone has is 20#. ah well it'll do.

jess is gone as of today. for three weeks. but then she's back. ah well.

oh yeah and my car's dead. well, i shouldn't drive it. it's still making that really ugly noise. we're taking it in on thursday to get shocks and struts and the tires aligned and balanced and whatnot. funny, a year ago i wouldn't have wanted to drive if you paid me. now i'm twitching 'cause i can't drive. odd.

i didn't realize until saturday that linkin park put out faint as another single. when i listened to the whole cd the first time i kept going back to that song, i liked it so much.

nothing to say. gonna get some more tab.