the way you look tonight

i had forgotten how easily i could switch moods, going from indifferent to angry and frustrated to elated back to that familiar empty moments feeling. and all about things that aren't. i always wondered and enjoyed how i could conjure up emotions from fictional situations, and share feelings that people around me are experiencing. i've always been more for empathy than sympathy.

and the same kind of wonder. i drove home more reckless than usual, knowing that i wouldn't be able to do what i want, spend every moment possible with the people i love before everyone laves... i drove home and i created this fictional situation in my mind of one year later, when people get back from their new lives. a situation where i was broken, so i could feel how it was and be ready for it. because i haven't done that in two months. because ever since getting out of the "high school life" i've been hopeful. optimistic. thinking that i can survive, i can be successful, i can live my life on my own terms and be happy.

but why. i feel like i'm straddling two worlds, one that is everything i've ever hoped for in life, and the other everything i've been used to and have always thought my life would be like. and i've been saying that i'm not scared. not anxious. i think i believe it. but i know a part of me is still scared out of my mind and doesn't want to believe that things are getting better. that things can get better. it's a gradual thing, but i'm a lot farther along then i ever dreamed i would be.

and why is it that every time i walk into fallen angel i feel this complete sense of calm and security? and i love that feeling, of knowing what i'm talking about and actually being enthusiastic about this knowledge, not like some stupid thing i put all my energy into in school.

i had a moment of hesitance after i got home. thinking "am i sure?". is anyone ever sure about anything except love? i have the same reasons, and the same desire. but...

i have this dual picture in my head. a healthy, natural version, enjoying life and the light and everything pure, in the light sense. and the a dark, pierced, tattooed person who knows exactly who and where she is, exactly what she believes, and exactly where she's going. one soft, one sharp. one light, one dark. one optimistic, one pessimistic. and at times, they're both equally appealing. both equally me. and yet thinking about both at the same time thoroughly confuses me.

it's been two months.

it would have been two months for my hood piercing too, if i hadn't've neglected checking the secureness of the ball. sometimes i miss it, sometimes i don't. it's something i'll have to consider sooner or later i'm sure.

everything has to happen sooner or later.

i believe you now. everything that you always said, everything that i so desperately wanted to believe at the time, but just thought that nothing decent would ever happen to me. i believe you. and i'm sorry for all of the energy you might've felt you wasted on me at the time, and i thank you for never giving up on me. i've never said how much that helped me through the years, how much it meant to me. how much you did for me by just opening the door. and if there's anything i could ever do to help you...

i should talk to you about these things.

sometimes you don't see things until you look at yourself in the mirror.

a face in your dreams

sometimes things go where you never thought they could. you try and keep a hold on them, keep in control at all times so as not to get lost, but you can't keep up with everything all the time. and it's a mixed result. you're somewhere new and exciting, and yet everyone else can't be there with you. does anyone ever really want to go back to the way things were?

for the first time in a while, i have no idea what you're thinking. and it scares me just a little that i'm not worried about you, about how you are and how you'll be. everyone will go on and be just fine. and if not, well, what can you do.

i wrote an almost complete post yesterday. the problem with not posting it after it's written is that you look back on it later, and since you're not the same person you were yesterday, you don't see what you wrote in the same light. it's all just a little bit tainted. but i haven't deleted it, i don't delete posts or change the date on them, but i don't know if i can put it out there. it's just not... complete.

whoever said being yourself would be easy.

everything falls away

sometimes i wonder why i do any of this. seeing negative reactions from people, and oddly against everything i usually am i ignore them. there are certain things that i won't let other people touch in my life, won't let them corrupt or take away from me. power over the one thing that i have.

the moment i concede to someone else's wants of me, let them take away the only thing that's mine, is the moment that i cease to be.

and for as much as i feel that i'm over the one part of my life, i realize that i will never really be over it. i refrain now because why, because for once i'm bordering on ok. because i don't want to let other people down. and that's still the old mindset, doing things for other people instead of for me.

i stopped wearing safety pins as a bracelet. i stopped wearing my necklaces with the safety pin on it. i haven't needed it as a deterrant from cutting since school ended, but i still find myself thinking "do that again" when something accidentally scratches my skin.

and now instead of 9 piercings i'm back to 8. my own stupid fault probably, and it hadn't even been a full 2 months. i didn't miss it when it happened, but now... it's like i'm missing something that became a part of me. and sure, it didn't do much for me in the "functional" side, but i still liked being more... me. more in control of me.

and now it's july 17th, two weeks after the 3rd, a year and two weeks after i got my helix piercings, and about a year and three months after i first thought of my tattoo. and i still don't have it. what's the excuse now? i need the money for school. and really, when i think of what i need, money for school doesn't come before the tattoo.

i've already been told that i should transfer and go somewhere else. told by another person that i could go somewhere else. and i get the same look from the majority of other people... "she could've gone anywhere she wanted, why is she wasting her life at an in-state school?". but really, i didn't want to go anywhere. you can't go back and say "well i should've done this", because that would never happen. i never really dreamed of what i would be when i grew up, i never planned my wedding, i never thought of how my children would be, i never thought of college or high school. i never planned for anything to happen, so i never lived my life like it would. i never thought that i'd have to get past wanting to kill myself. i never thought that i would find writing, lose it, find it... i never thought that people would actually listen to me. i never thought that i'd ever be in a relationship that wasn't purely for instant gratification.

and yet...

life drifting by and we're back at the ending of the beginning

how many days do i have? i mean really, in everything you do, how much time. walking around in a haze and not enjoying the day. the feeling of warm sun on skin or a cool breeze. the way things look, a sunset, the moon, the mountains, little things, people, yourself. feeling the air rushing into your lungs and all of a sudden it hits you that the whole world is alive, that you're alive. sometimes we forget that we're alive. we get stuck in routines and jobs and unhealthy relationships and houses and cities that just suffocate us, and we forget about everything.

and it shouldn't be like that. we shouldn't have to do things we don't want to, be places that make us die inside. we should be able to wake up in the morning and take a deep breath and stretch out under the covers and just take our time. get out of bed because life is brilliant and awesome and we want to feel and see everything possible. every second should be an experience that we want to remember in one form or another. and think about it. how often does that happen? almost never. i can't remember waking up and wanting to be present with the day. things change, but they don't change enough to shake me out of this... fog. i have to make things change, but i always get intimidated by life. standing up for myself always creates these ripples, and somehow they always touch people i never wanted to include. somehow i'm convinced that if i'm really myself and speak my mind, do what i really want and go where i really want, it'll create this big hole, and a majority of people will disappear. but if people are really that critical, why would i want to associate with them? just because they don't understand and refuse to? it gets to a limit where i stop being understanding about them not being able to handle it.

life is what you make it, when you realize what it is. life? what is this thing except self-discovery and experiencing relationships and learning and feeling all we can and striving to make things better? what is this thing when you don't want to deal with it anymore, want everything to just stop? what is this thing that makes us take a look back and doubt everything we've come to believe? it hits you when you're least expecting it. driving home late at night. noticing something you've passed hundreds of times before. not feeling one damn thing, feeling everything as if it was amplified a hundred fold. laughing for no reason except that something deep inside you was so content and overjoyed that you had to laugh. something that's just on the edge of your memory that you can't get back no matter how hard you try.

and what happens when we do finally wake up? regret or joy? would we take life in our hands and make the most of it, making opportunities for ourselves and being who we really want to be, who we really are, without hesitation or fear. not everything has to be a means to an end. you could do everything that you feel and believe, if everyone else just let you.

i've been conveniently somewhere else for a while, mentally, physically, emotionally. letting others push me and set me on the paths that i've taken in life. what do i have to show for it? more than i could've imagined, in more ways than one. i've always thought too much over the years, over-analyzed everything. took every decision and jumped forward ten steps into the future before i ever made the decision, saw everything that could go wrong and in my mind would go wrong, and so i never did what i wanted. i've been letting other people live my life for me. i've done it for such a long time that it's hard stopping it now, even as much as i want to.

and i'm still here, as much as i predicted i wouldn't be years ago. and i'm glad. i have four people that i truly love, and that would be worth the world. it would be worth lifetimes over, just to be able to love. and i want to be able to spend every second in a state of contentment. i want to always feel safe, and know that no matter what life is worth something.

some people don't know that.

they lock you in a room and throw away the room

i can't really remember what i was intending to write about tonight. probably something to get white space filled in. to speed up the time until i can be somewhere else, being productive. but this is just as productive as anything else, even if i'm not being paid for it.

i've been wanting to buy the crow for a while now. the full moon's on friday, and i fully intend on spending some time just watching it. it's something that i haven't gotten the chance to do in a very long time, and like he said, i don't know how many times i'll get to see it again.

Because we do not know when we are going to die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well and yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number really. How many times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood? An afternoon that is so deeply a part of your being that you cannot conceive of your life without it? Perhaps 4 or 5 times more. Perhaps not even that. How many times will you watch the full moon rise ...... Perhaps twenty and yet it all seems limitless. - brandon lee in his final interview

that's all i'm thinking on right now.

enjoy the rain and the full moon. and if you don't catch it this time, there's a blue moon later on.

water signs and falling under the stars

life just kicks you upside the head sometimes when you're not paying attention, you know?

life and life and that feeling that just won't go away. it's like as much as you try, that urging and failing, the stressing and pushing past everything that in essence is so inconsequential, that after everything you find that you're just the same as before, before when you weren't really aware of any of it at all. things change, people change, seconds pass and a new being stands in front of you, with the aura of a familiar soul pulsing (or dying) in the void that is a body. every singe thing is different, yet so much the same. you're a different soul and people don't even know it. most don't recognize. most never take the time to recognize. it feels so weird approaching someone and feeling a completely different aura come over you. it's scary and refreshing at the same time. knowing that you don't know them as well as you did before. and sometimes being able to get to know this person all over again, even if it is only after a span of a month.

so much happens but do we ever realize it before we realize ourselves? it's something to be connected with other people, see the change in them, and yet not see it within ourselves. it's like, a lack of being. just time passing and then waking up a lifetime later. where did everything go?

i want to think that i've changed. that things have changed. that everything's changed. that a change of living space and new friends and responsibilities that i can handle if you don't push me, a new old look and a lack of fresh scars, days filled with class and work and commuting, that everything that i've been supposed to be doing for years, that it's all changed me into that person who could maybe be the stepping stone to real life. i don't know where it goes. when i come back to a house of noise and yelling and suppressed anger, come back to a city where getting drunk is the main focus, hiding and lying and doing stupid things for stupid reasons... everything i feel i've gained just drains from me.

and can i talk about what i really think about? if i start doing that people will run away from me like i'm some disease. it's already happened once, when i said what i really thought people wouldn't touch me for weeks.

i keep talking and thinking why am i telling you this, more importantly why are you still around me even after knowing all this, hearing it directly from me? it's amazing. truly, it is. and for once i've felt like i can actually say what i'm really thinking, without hesitance or regret, without worrying if people will leave me. i guess it helps to know that people are leaving me, but even then, some things don't matter anymore.

i get these little glimpses of what life could be, what it could be but probably won't be... it's just enough to give me an awesome high and then feel horrible afterwards.

but still not enough of a swing to satisfy me.

have i gotten better? better how. i haven't cut in one month exactly. i wanted to a few times, more out of the mindset of a habit than an actual need. but then i just think of you and remember what you said, and i'm ok.

it's easier to make promises to others and stick to them. i've only ever made two promises to myself, and the past year i found myself wanting to break them, just so i wouldn't have to deal with life. but now... and yeah, i don't know what's going to happen in august. i don't know what's going to happen once my support system virtually vanishes, when there's no one to come check on me to make sure i'm still around. but at least i know people are around.

i have more responsibility now. i have to take care of myself. really, truly take care of myself. i have such a contradiction set up in my head that sometimes i don't know what i want. right now i want to rest, and be free from expectations, and be my old new self again.

welcome back to the land of the living. it's been years child, but you've made it. sit down, stay awhile.

insert string of bad writing here

i suddenly had an urge for stream of consciousness. hasn't happened in a while. go figure i would get a kick after reading something talking about depression and fucked up lives...

i'm ok for a while. in the midst of all the driving and walking and yearning to be somewhere that feels safe. the looks from my parents and knowing that they know something but they don't tell me... knowing i know something but i don't tell them? i leave them alone to their own business. it's not my life, not my deal. so why can't they just leave me alone? i don't like the looks and the treating me like a child. i haven't seen them practically for three weeks, and it's been good. and that's odd.

i want to keep writing, writing doesn't come often. kicking people out of computer labs and into a campus where everything closes early and no one really wants to help you with things. i'm tired i want to be back already.

i wrote two pages on sunday before i talked to you. i think i'm going to burn it now... i hate writing on paper because that makes it real, and some things i don't want to be real. i don't want to admit things and have them become real... even though they've probably been here for this whole six years.

scary thoughts, remembering back. remembering emotions and situations and thinking how far i've come, and yet how much i keep myself in the past. the past is the past is the past. i like being in the present.

cold. it's cold in the buildings. sitting here... i want to watch the stars and be alive again.

miss you.

sorry... wrong trajectory

i haven't listened to flickerstick in a forever. he sounds so good...

i'm tired and i want to be home. being away is good to make me see how much i miss. just the little things. the places. the people.

ah, the people. so much has happened. so much has changed in the past six months, did we ever see it coming? i've always felt like i'm just sitting on the sidelines watching it happen, but then i look back and see that i'm in a different place too.

i scared myself badly last night. it was one of those times when i was just letting life take me as it passed by, but then i wanted to get out of the slipstream... freaking about things i can't control. thinking that the only time i feel safe is when i'm with you people, when i'm with you, and when august rolls around... it scared me. every time i think i'm doing ok, i think about something like that again.

it's so weird when it just creeps up on me. one second i'm ok, the next i'm thinking damn why didn't i bring those blades with me. but i know why. it's because i don't want to have to do that again. i don't want it to become a habit. i've been good for three weeks (which doesn't say all that much considering it was five months before). i've got someone else to keep in mind. it's... easier now.

don't mind me. i'm just still trying to figure everything out.

cripes, i have so many things that i have to think about, but right now i'm just letting myself rest. stop freaking out for a few days.

real posts to come. i promise.

hippy dippy do

i'm just on the edge of being broke and being a functional adult. how... frustrating.

i'm home for exactly one day. saturday. as in tomorrow. the fifth of june.

i'm tired, and wired, and finantially stable...ish, and really really out of it. shit i meant to write an actual post tonight but i'm just too tired.

please, i need to see you people tomorrow.

afraid to be gone

i have three days left. three days and then i'll be gone for three weeks, but once i drive out of this city i never will really come back. at least not to the same place that i left. i haven't seen people in almost a week, and i don't know what to do with that. i haven't really had to "cope" or start again or anything like that since i've just been sitting in my bed, holding onto the thought that tomorrow will come and the weekend will be here and i'll be able to sit among all my friends again just like before, before when i was ok and you were ok and i could talk to you and not feel like i'm keeping you from something more important. but now it's just me talking on a computer screen into a blank void. does anyone listen anymore? i have no idea. i don't see people for a week and it's like they just... disappear. and i don't want anyone to disappear but i don't have a choice in the matter, in fact i don't know why they kept me around so long in the first place.

why did you keep me around? i don't like thinking of you. i don't like missing you. i don't like the fact that i have no idea what's going on in your head. every time i see you again it's like i'm a different person. from weekend to weeknight to weeks ahead. no one talks about the awkwardness of it all, the whispers, the un-invitations. no one talks about the person sitting all alone while everyone else just goes on with what they were doing.

and shit, why can't i feel anything? i could always feel at least that little something, whenever you would walk in a room i would feel safe again. has it changed? i don't know. i haven't seen you in a forever. and will i ever see you again?

and what if i never see you again? what then?

i don't like thinking in terms of three people. i know i have to stop it, and stop it quick, but it just isn't happening.

things have to get fixed. i have to get fixed. but i have a feeling that when i come back, everyone else will be gone. they won't get to see the good me, the un-broken me. no one will see me. do people see me now? i think i'm disappearing. i've always wondered what it would be like to disappear.

every time i tried to disappear, you were there to catch me. the last time you weren't there, he was there. you're both gone, you're all gone, and i don't know if i want to catch myself.

the scars are damn near healed. haven't told everyone about that yet. don't know if i should. last time didn't turn out at all. weston at aware didn't even mention them though, even with them there in plain sight. it was good though.

i got my one piercing for the year. i don't think it's going to do anything for me though, seeing as how i've been on the whole dead to all feeling for the past three weeks. i don't know. i just don't know.

i've been waiting on here for someone to get online. just so i could talk to another person and not seem like, like what, like i'm an obligation or something. i have to go into town tomorrow, and i really want to see you people, but then i'd just be the little girl who can't function on her own again.

i just want to feel safe again.

ibuprofin=goooood

so far i have experienced the joys of cracked out dreams while on pain killers and lots and lots of soup and v8. v8 is really good when you haven't really eaten anything in a day.

anyway.

i thought for some reason last night that i didn't have to take an ibuprofin for bed. i felt fine (i'm actually really amazed at how good i feel, considering there's a few holes in my mouth and i cannot suck, spit, or otherwise disturb them). but nooo, i wake up in the middle of the night with a nice aching feeling. so i took an ibuprofin with the penecillin at 6 this morning and slept till 11:30 or so.

moral of the story: always take the pain killers. even if you think you have an awesomely high pain tolerance, you don't, so just take the pills and pass out.

i watched my first full episode of enterprise last night, thanks to brian, and now i'm confused as all hell on what alien is who. i don't know if he looks like a reman, but brian's theory behind it all seems to work out nicely. i was just thinkin that the guy looked oddly like that species that they kept running into on v'ger (starts with an h... the hunters... they made holographs for them to hunt... i need to brush up on my facts...) (the hirogen! i knew i'd remember...eventually).

cripes now i'm on a startrek rant.

i really want to get out today, seeing as how i have three or so days to get everything together before i go to cruces. but then again i really don't want to drive yet, and seeing as i need the practice i'll probably be made to.

wow. i'm not even making sense to myself anymore.

must drink more v8.

odd doesn't even begin to explain it

ah, the yelling has started again. wondered what took so long. at least i'll be gone for the majority of it soon, and the rest of the time before then i'll be asleep or off in a pain pill wonderland.

so far i've surfed with ie (which doesn't crash every five minutes like it did on xp. ha.), and now i'm checking out safari. things learned: everything that i've coded that i didn't think would work on other than ie, doesn't work. popups? no popups please, and i don't even have the google toolbar. and the ads on the tripod sites? not there with safari. ah, how awesome.

for everyone who has no idea what i'm babbling about - i got my mac yesterday. so of course i haven't been out really since then. i should probably check my voicemail...

interesting thing that's in my mind since i don't really have anything to write:

not the most excruciating thing i've experienced. hitting my helix piercings on that damn ride at the state fair is and will probably always be the worst pain i'll ever experience.

great. he leaves, and yet the yelling continues. yeah, i love living in this house in the summer.

i still have to track down people and get their pictures and songs and quotes from them, but as this day is not looking good right now i have no idea when that will happen.

there's way too much freaking out going on in this house right now. i'll get back on when people leave. off.

dead eyes, are you just like me?

it's been... five months, nine days. at least, i think that was the last time. for some reason i was thinking it was closer to new year's. it still might've been, and i just didn't hint at it in here like i usually do.

the anticipation. five months of anticipation. of days in class having to poke myself with a safety pin to dissipate the urge. nights of driving home crying, intent on doing it when i got home. telling myself no, you're not going to do it, you don't have to do it, and besides, you haven't been able to do it when you've wanted to.

i couldn't feel anything last night. not a damn thing. i remember now why i liked getting on those damn pills in the first place... i wasn't so tired anymore, and i felt things, i could remember and think normally and speak normally. the last two weeks have been bad, and now i'm back where i was three years ago. and i hate it. i couldn't feel anything. and so i wanted to see if i could feel something again. and i did. for a split second it was awesome. and then the next second it's just like a scratching pain on skin. and not even a painful pain. just... dull.

i knew it would happen, i just figured i had one more week before it started again. go figure. my timing has been really bad the last month. first the pill, then schoolwork, the yearbook, the car, the piercing, cruces, then that... whole situation that i still can't understand, and now this.

everything's ended, so everything's started. i'm leaving by the first, and i don't know what things are going to be like when i get back. can't dwell on it though.

for everyone i've inadvertently hurt the past month, i'm sorry. it won't happen again. i'll make sure of it.

by starlight i know you

i've been on a smashing pumpkins trip for the past week. it works for any mood recently.

over.

i'm so insanely tired, yet i wake up at something like 7:30 every morning for the past week. what's that like four five hours of sleep? ah well i'm making up for when i get my wisdom teeth out next week and will sleep for two days straight.

not sure about getting the piercing this thursday... i have really bad luck with timing. damn doyle.

must stalk people in the next few days and get their songs and quotes. i have everyone's senior pictures from senior slide show, so if nothing else i can just bullshit what i have.

i think i'm finally starting to calm down.

wondering if my dad will punish me for the first time for being fifteen minutes late for curfew. even though i tell them there should be a fifteen minute grace period, to account for the fact that i will not speed at night and get another $180 ticket.

last night was... what was the point of all that again? sitting there listening to mikey made me wonder what took me so long to stop being catholic.

that was the first time i've been in a church for over a year. it didn't feel good.

no sleep, low blood sugar, and stupid stupid hormones make me very very dull. mbah. must work on pictures.

life revolving around something that i don't want to admit is there

it seems as though i'm trying to procrastinate for the very last time. i've been all wound up since thursday, and knowing that i have to give a speech just made me start shaking. i'm sitting here and my fingertips are freezing, and i can feel that i'm tense and on the edge of some sort of breakdown, and that i need to just relax and let things just wash away. but as much as i know it, i can't do it.

it's weird, and i do this all the time. i know that something's wrong, or illogical, or whatever else, and i just can't get over it. high school is over, i can finally get out of it all, and yet i'm still so wound up over all the childishness of it all. i've been saying for the past couple weeks that i feel like such a child in the midst of everyone else's lives. everyone goes on, and has a goal, or at least goes somewhere, and i'm a scared little girl who doesn't want anything to change. i keep telling myself that i can finally relax, and really have a good time, just chill out and live life as it comes to me. but then i come back to this house, to this life and i'm pulled in again. yesterday. i finally just jumped back into bed and pulled the covers close to my face and cried because i was so tired. i knew that i had other things that i had to do, but i just couldn't do it. i couldn't write anything decent for a speech, i couldn't drive, i couldn't please. i fell asleep and woke up with a start an hour and a half later. late for kyle and daivd's party. and i freaked.

i want to stop freaking out. i don't actively aim to please, but yet i find myself doing things for other people. thinking that shit, i didn't even try to get second in the class for myself. but to say that, that would be letting other people down.

i'm such a hypocrite.

safety is leaving me in two weeks. i'm so ready, and yet i'm so scared. why? scared that i'll fail, because that's my biggest fear. not death or betrayal or ailment, but failure. but i know that people love me, and that no matter what happens people will still be there for me. and it makes things ok again. that is, when i'm not freaking out.

i find that i can't write if i'm not on this blog. i have one hour to write my speech, so maybe i'll be able to just write here and something will come out.

...

how about that

and i didn't even have to go looking for things to make me dislike the new blogger. it did it all by itself.

i think i shall finally look into mt.

bored?

i'm not really feeling the new blogger interface. i actually liked the square corners and block colors. plus this whole trying to be mt thing is kinda creeping me out.

i've been wanting to code this index page for a while now, i've just never gotten around to sorting out the css and deciding if i want to still do tables. last time i tried to do anything with code i ended up making so many tables it amazed me to the point of wanting to try and teach myself how to javascript again. but i'm still trying to make myself make the switch to mac. or, i'm trying to convince my dad that i should make the switch to mac. it's getting closer... he finally can relate to my dislike of windows.

anyway.

right before the blogger relaunch i found a site that will do image hosting: imageshack. i was actually doing a search for another free website [hosting] so that i could upload pictures for other people's blogs to it. tripod apparently is now in agreement with its sibling angelfire and no longer allows image linking from tripod sites. so i went on my search and temporarily solved the problem.

and then this new blogger with rounded corners comes out and behold: image hosting with hello. which of course only workes for pc, so i never intend to get myself hooked on it. but i might have to look into it for other people, seeing as how i'm planning on doing a total overhaul on all my sites and deleting a bunch of my files.

thing one: i like heading tags. i don't like putting text or whatever in a box and having some machine code it for me when i know how to do it (i say as i use blogger...).

thing two: i spent a good deal of time researching commenting systems. spending two days waiting for an opening to sign up for yaccs before they closed membership. finding haloscan and being totally pissed off by enetation. and now comments are included. do they let you ban ip addresses? have stats? organize comments? i have to look more into that.

i'm tempted to make another tests blog just to try out all the new stuff they added, to see what exactly will make my browser crash and if blogger still does indeed eat many many posts. i might do that now that i have time.

six apart has been doing some updating on mt, so i hear. maybe i'll make the move now that i'll have a decent stream of money to pay for web hosting. or i could just use typepad. or tabulas (found through the comments at lyd). but then again i haven't been writing all that much lately.

i got my bme/e2 access today, which oddly hasn't helped much at all. probably because i've been spending 2-3 hours on bme and other sites researching for the past week or so. which reminds me.

ugh. no more school. i'm drained, and i just want to get out and be with people before i have to leave. because when i come back, everyone else will be busy or gone, and then everyone will be gone. i just want a couple days with you people.

i think i just got the highest physics grade this semester. all my work actually paid off. pleased.

and for anyone that reads this, and will be participating in the digital yearbook thing i'm attempting to put together - please get me your picture, song, and quote as soon as possible. bring them to katie's party. but if you want to see this thing done by next week, i need them yesterday.

that is all.

breathing under water and living under glass

why isn't this working why isn't this working why isn't this working why isn't this working?

i should've gotten off of those damn pills months ago. i'm so fucking out right now i don't know what to do with myself. it's like twitching and cracking and freaking all over again. manic and pissed and everywhere and i want to go and be anywhere doing anything just so i don't have to sit down i can't sit down. i want to write and write and write but it's not fucking coming and i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i can't hear what i'm supposed to hear or do what i'm supposed to do, so just get off my fucking back and stop wanting me to do what you want.

and i don't want to be a fucking dull grey shell again. i hate this so much but i don't want to not feel anything. freaking is better than just sitting and not thinking and not feeling. be someone do something get out of your head and crush everything that doesn't help.

maybe i should make it a point to visit mark tomorrow.

right now i want to be so out of it, and so intensely in it at the same time. i want to be used. then i'll feel something at least for a while.

be me? be me. look out you fucking bitch of a body. and i swear, if you level me off and make me dull to everything, i'll have to kick some sense back into you.

somebody tell me if i am sleeping

i think i've been putting off doing this for a while.

i was looking at the stars last night, in between crying and being dizzy and trying not to crash my car on the highway. so beautiful. one of those times when i think "there's a reason why i had to be out tonight". i saw eternal sunshine, and it really, really hit me. because what do i have? memories. and if i didn't have memories, i wouldn't be anyone. not really. i've only just started to live life moment by moment. hey, maybe i'm a late bloomer. maybe i just figured out that i'm letting my life pass by without holding onto anything except people, and now those people are going to be gone in the immediate future. i have to start being me.

i wasn't going to cry on friday. i thought that it would be so ridiculous to cry, and i was still so jaded from the past six years that i wasn't going to give any of those people the satisfaction of thinking they "got through to me". i wrote one journal entry, the first in something like two weeks, the night before. saying how i could try to write, but it would be pointless to try and make up twenty journal entries. and i cried. i cried because i admitted to myself that i didn't feel the need to write anymore. that i couldn't just pick up a pen or get on the net and write what i was thinking, because my mind is such a fog anymore. i didn't want to let go, to say that i'm stopping, because i don't know what i'll do if i don't write. but i did. i let go.

and then friday came. i really disliked all the retreats, and i knew what this one was so i was setting myself up to be even - nothing was going to get to me. i got the letter i wrote to myself in seventh grade. i couldn't remember if i did end up writing that i was never going to read it, because i was going to die long before 12th grade. i remembered how pissed off i was that day. and i can't figure out why i didn't write that. too scared probably. i ripped up the letter.

i was going to burn all the letters without ever reading them. i've already been through that whole thing before, except the first time there was more, and they were all in a religious context. but i read all of them, just because people took the time to write them. and almost all of them were so... fake. these people who don't know me, don't know anything about me except my grade, they all assume everything about me. and when i'm myself around them, they get angry at me. like i'm some sort of bad influence on the rest of the family. if they only knew.

but they don't want to know. and i don't want to tell them. so we're even.

people were crying. and for once, i was fine. at least, i think i was. i was hoping that i wouldn't have to confront anything with anyone, because i didn't want to let go yet. i just wanted to be left alone, so i could pretend for a while that everything was fine.

i'm still trying to figure what it was. it could've been that i'm just an emotional wreck at random times. maybe it was seeing everyone else. maybe... because it felt like you were saying goodbye to me.

and then everything that i didn't want to confront just hit me at once. and it did it again last night. except... except that was more real. my actually admitting to jess that i'm scared out of my mind. me, admitting to myself, that i'm not ok. that i don't know how to make things ok anymore. that i'm afraid i might do something really stupid next year.

i think way too much. i over-analyze everything that could happen to me. and everything that i just let happen... it's like i'm floating in the stars. not expecting anything, not wanting anything, makes everything so much... better. like, i've finally accepted myself for me, and that people stay around me for me.

of course that comes and goes too. but when i do feel it...

self-esteem is such an odd thing. being me is something that i've always had a hard time with. i wouldn't want to be anyone else, it's just that sometimes i want to be just slightly different. maybe sometimes not so crazy. not passive. not needing to be secure so much. not being so deathly afraid of being rejected. and then this year... accept me for who i am. i think the whole idea of piercings and tattoos has really, helped me, be secure with the skin i'm in. like, finally feeling that my soul is beautiful, and because of that, physical appearance doesn't matter. i am the way i should be. anything that i add is just another part of the physical me. it's amazing how more aware i am of feeling and seeing other people now. there's a story behind scars and acts. and there's an even more important person behind those things. get to know the soul before you look at the appearance. if i can feel a person's soul, they look beautiful, because they are beautiful, no matter what insecurities they have about their physical appearance.

i'm rambling now. another way to get away from what i was wanting to say. but that's part of it. i can't write down what i mean anymore. the really weird part... for once i think i can actually talk about it. and even weirder, i want to. i need a dialogue more than i need a one way conversation with my crazy self on a computer screen.

i'm at an odd place right now, where i want to be open with people. odd because i am so afraid of being rejected by people. i guess knowing that you're loved does weird things to you.

well, obviously.

i'll have more, much more to say, but i want to talk about it out loud first.

all i'm asking for now is for someone to listen.

i'm trying to focus but my eyes deceive me

one week left with too much to do that i'm probably not going to end up doing. that's ok. sleep is more important.

i should be freaking out about the whole yearbook thing, but i'm not. i guess i figure i'll somehow get it done in two days or something.

i realized last night, again, that i really, really don't like being cold.

i have to do my poem book for wednesday, so all creative thoughts must go into that. and i could possibly be drained after that too. we'll see how it all works out.

might go on a break. don't know. maybe just disappear for a while.

i feel fine.