a day in the loop for today's tomorrow

words flying from fingertips like some sort of rain, just dropping dropping down until a light drizzle becomes a full on storm. anyone caught in the rain gets wet, gets cold, gets down. grey droplets rolling over skin, soaking in, spreading out. and all of a sudden you look out and realize that you're stuck in the rain, your path is obscured by a fog and a doubt. panic sets in, or just resignment? try to fight through the clouds and find sunlight, or just keep walking in the rain? and which would be better... after getting caught in the rain time after time you just get used to it, where the cold urgentness to change goes away and you're just left feeling numb. get to a dry place. warm and gentle under blue covers, soft and perfect. drift into slumber in a way that feels like love - arms wrapped around you and whispering in your ear, holding you so that you know you can never fall again, because you're in the arms of happiness. and nothing matters. not the rain pouring down outside, not the sun shining above the clouds, none of it.

and so why does any of it matter?

hold me now, i'm six feet from the edge and i'm thinkin
maybe six feet ain't so far down...

walking around, i think i'm going to run into camilo and ann and marsha and aimee and maybe my old ta... but then i look up from the ground and see that everything's so much bigger, so many more people hanging around. new routes to get to classes and having to time how long it takes to get places again. instead of going across campus in ten minutes it takes fifteen. stairs and stairs and stairs. but the people! there's people around. same classness, same apathy and bitching about profs. and i don't want to do class or work or anything involving thinking. i walked in and realized i was so far away... why try to catch up when it's all going so fast? in highschool things went fast but you had something to look forward to. now i have nothing to look forward to, and i haven't taken the time to find something to strive for. just tired again. a highschool burnout. i scare too many people again, and yet... and i retired my helix piercings on friday. i was too far down to really care anymore, i didn't figure i would last for long then. i guess i pulled out of it... i don't know how. i miss being clever and intelligent and good. i miss being able to understand things and be really enthusiastic about concepts. weird dreams, weird waking thoughts. and i need to talk to you more. need more.

and you just don't get it

and so?

what do i do with this same feeling that i always get. what do i do with a new situation and tiredness of it all. what do i do with my head and my body and my emotions. and how do i make it stop. how do i get my best friend to actually talk to me anymore and stop telling other people to stay out of it, shouldn't i be the one telling people to stay out of it? all i've ever wanted to do was just sit down and have a nice conversation with you like we used to. the good conversations. but apparently people don't want to touch me again, so be it, i've been contemplating letting go of it all for a while now. someone has to help but no one can help... not help when i walk into an empty room and there's no one in the hallways, no one outside, no one to see. same thing different place, but this time i'm right across from a hospital, and that's probably a good thing. classes and classes and class hasn't even started yet. too bad i'm so pathetic. ah well. how do you tell doctors that you hate eating and being around groups of people, hate conflict and yelling, how do you tell someone that there's no future, or that the world really is bad, and there really is nothing we can do to change it, short of killing ourselves? no one understands me to the point where they think that i'm just making it all up. where cutting is a problem only because other people say it's a problem. where the only truth that could possibly get their attention is that i do think about killing myself, every single day. but without any previous attempts or visible scars they just will say you're too stressed, go out and get drunk have fun. doctors who really don't give a shit that you've been hormonally unbalanced since they took out your fucking ovary, that everything that happens is all because of your fucked up body. no, no, get out, get some exercise, stop dwelling on it and you'll magically feel better, because we have no idea what we did to you when you were a baby... no idea how it affected you. i just keep hoping that one day i'll have to have a histerectomy.

a mirror reflecting an empty room, a broken person. what is pleasure? what is safety? what is happiness? red lines in skin, like red silk flowing by.

and no one even knows.

is anyone ever really there

so everyone's doing end of the year recaps. if i had been around more physically and mentally in the last week i would've posted more, and posted on this sooner, but as it is i'm just trying to keep myself together. again.

january february march. isn't it all the same? same doubts and fears, but a desire to let everything go and just practice instant gratification and self indulgence. i remember being optimistic, the most optimistic i think i've been in my entire life. and things were good, for a while. ups and downs and ups and downs and a lingering in the back of my mind (which still won't go away).

march/april. the split-second of determined writing, the infamous story, and then the world broke. it was so liberating to write it, not so much to tell people, but to be connected with it without actually physically recreating the act, to write. teacher and counselor involvement, my hatred and fear and confusion being played upon. she saw something that i had convinced myself wasn't there, and opened up a whole new realm of doubt for me.

april/may. after the extreme week of happiness a bit after the incident, i steadily came back down, and continued to go deeper and deeper until i finally crashed the thursday after graduation. a much hated prom that i didn't want to go to, but again did so for other people (who barely talked to me the entire night). so, that night, i just shut down. didn't care. stayed in that state until when... july?

we shant talk about june. or july. no one knew where i was anyway, so it wouldn't matter.

august full of parties and 2am stops to ihop, convincing drunk friends that village inn really was ihop, long talks about nothing in particular with guys that i felt like i knew forever, homework, non-homework, breakdowns...

september. surprised labor day weekend, followed by winning incubus tickets 1.5 hours before the show (which kicked major ass), followed by a non-zozobra weekend and second breakdown.

i can't remember the rest of september, october, or november, except there was a point where i was in albuquerque/santa/home almost every weekend, and the whole white sands excursion. and birthdays, birthdays, breakdown # who knows what on the night of my birthday. and then i cut again 9 days before my six month mark, and the day after i decided to transfer to unm. how... horrible.

i was so happy on the last drive on that day in december. i felt fine for a while. and then parties, get togethers, work, non-fights, and new year's eve.

and now... it's the same. i failed to go to work today for fear that i might hurt myself (which started last night), so instead i attempted to sleep for more than 4 hours and cleaned my room. there's almost nothing visible in it now.

i need this weekend, and i need it to be good, because then it's back to school, and starting all over again... having to manage my time between class and homework and finally getting a life, finding a psychiatrist, finding a doctor, finding a yoga class, finding my old best friends again...

finding myself...

so help me jesus

ah yes, and the song that is a song. and now i have the whole toadies album on my mac. which i'm typing on now. ah, if people only knew.

happy pagan sun god feast day turned "jesus' birthday" by constantine so he could keep both gods! but that's a different story. i'm not into that sort of stuff anymore, but jesus was one cool kid. word to outcasts of society.

but anyway.

no one posts anymore! and yes i'm more than guilty of this, i blame long hours at work not being able to do anything but look at cnn on the net (when i'm on the net). that and the usual weirdess that is/has been me. but hey, more extreme ups than downs lately, which should be good...

the reason i'm posting is to exclaim the awesomeness of programmers yet again. i mean, what other geeks can do something like this... i mean i think that's just awesome. picture compliments of ernie, the local blogosphere webdev that i check out.

anyway. again.

sent my powerbook off to get fixed on wednesday of last week, got it back at 11am that friday, fixed. holy crap batman, apple even rocks when they're sending packages! and the best part is i don't have to spend money on it, since it was a non-recall recall. i have to check my battery's serial number again to see if i actually did get in on that other recall. but it's all good, seeing as how i only had to use the windows pc for 2 days.

watching all of the blade movies in the last 2 days makes me want to fish out my unused vampire fangs (the good ones this time) and make ipod playlists. even though i don't have an ipod. hot vampires == goooood. which reminds me, i haven't done any programming in like four weeks. that's harsh. i still have 3 weeks of semester break, over which i must work, sign up for orientation/go to orientation, be creative and make some art, and torment people about getting piercings. so much to do, so little time to procrastinate. i have next week off though...

maybe i'll hang around here some more in the coming days. who knows with this one. see you people when i see you. and remember, don't piss off the flying elephants. by the time you hear the big fwooping sound of their wings, it's already too late.

old revelations haunting like ghosts

no big surprise here. home for five days and the same tiredness, same frustration, same aches and sleeplessness.

i can't get by like i used to... i don't really know who i am anymore, who i'll become, who i want to be. everything should work like it's supposed to. people should be helpful and friendly, people should care. and i don't care anymore. after being enthusiastic about everything imaginable, life, love, school, the future... i'm back at the beginning. everything seems so unreal except this is reality, this is how it's been for years and it's not going to change just because you need it to. clear everything out, throw it all away. why keep things on your walls and tables if they're just material crap that mean nothing. i guess they meant something for a brief second, but now everything is just not right again. all birthday presents laying on the floor untouched. i haven't taken pictures in months, and i don't know if i ever will again. you stop doing the things you love, one by one they slip away and you don't care if they go... things fade and you let them go because being enthusiastic has gotten you burned every single time. i don't even care if something's wrong. everything's wrong. nothing's wrong. nothing changes anyway.

when you're young and naive you want to change the world. you want to help people and become something. now you just want to survive doing what will hopefully make you happy.

there's so much that i know, so much information, just tucked away for those few times that someone is willing to listen. but everything is wasted when you're looking for ways to get out. i'm tired of being let down time after time after time, always. and i answer 567 questions just to be told exactly what i know, like it's supposed to be a revelation that will kick me out of this. it's just a waste of time and energy. that'll all be the same, and i could try time after time, but the outcome will be the same. i can help others, but i can't be helped. at least i don't see how anything can help. there's no trauma, no damage, just there, and how can i compete with anyone? the irrationality of rationality. things make sense, things don't make sense. i'm confused past the point figuring things out anymore. and now i live my life purposely giving myself and other people an out. if you work and get money, you can pay back your parents for the year that you've wasted. if you taper off talking to people, it'll be easier to disappear. encourage your significant other to hook up with other people so when you end it they can keep on living life like that was never a bump in the road. i know my motives are fucked up, but until people show me otherwise, this is the way my life will be. so who am i? honestly, i'm not sure. i don't know. i can't be here, but i can't be anywhere else. there's a countdown that's started, i don't know exactly when, or what exactly it's counting down to, but i'll know when i get there.

bored 2

do this before reading the below. maybe.

take my quiz and then check out the scoreboard!

yes i stole it. from brian and kyle. this shows you how extremely bored i was. and the questions are really really bad too. so, yeah.

ps. this is an attempt to see who actually reads this thing anymore. since, you know, comments are a thing of the past i guess.

bored

001) What time did you start this? 4:20pm
002) Name? kristin
003) Date of birth? 11/06/85
004) Sex? f
005) Height? 5'6", even though on my driver's license it says 5'10"
006) Eye color? dark brown
007) Weight? 135 i think... maybe 140... depends on if i gained any weight from my "i don't really want to eat more than a meal or two a day" binge a month or so ago
008) Location? las cruces, nm, for another 5 days
009) Where were you born? espanola, nm
012) Do you have crush on someone? sure
013) Do you have a bf/gf? amazingly yes
015) How long have you been together? honestly no idea
016) What are you wearing right now? blue/black striped tube top, black pants, and a jacket type thing (it's raining)
017) Would you have sex before marriage? isn't this pretty much a religion based question? yes
018) Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers? no, i can safely say i have not
019) Are you a virgin? no
020) Do you smoke? no
021) Do you drink? no, reasons being that 1) i'm sick enough as it is and 2) i like to stay in control of myself as much as possible
022) Are you ghetto? no
023) Are you a player? no...
024) What are your favorite colors? blue, black, and grey. in that order.
025) What is your favorite animal? kitty
026) Do you have any birthmarks? yes
027) Have you ever gotten your ass kicked? no. i was a scrappy fighter
028) Who are your best friends? 3 or 4 people. not quite sure as of late
029) Have you ever beat someone up? i think it's called self defense
031) Have you ever been slapped? a couple times
032) Do you get online a lot? just about every second that i'm not in class or eating
033) Are you shy or outgoing? shy. not so much shy anymore, more like tired... but i'm working on it
034) Do you shower? yeah
035) Do you hate school? actually, yes, i do
036) Do you have a social life? no. none at all. honestly.
037) How easily do you trust people? i've gotten a lot better on the whole trust thing, so a lot more than ever i'd say
038) Have you ever lied to your best friends? i don't think i have. of course i don't remember half of the things i tell people or half of the things i hear, so i don't really know
039) Do you have a secret people would be surprised knowing? i think i've pretty much outed all my secrets in the past year
040) Would you ever sky Dive? sure.
041) Do you like to dance? i actually do like to dance. when i'm awake...
068) Have you ever been out of state? like 3 times. wait this goes from 41 to 68? wtf?
069) Do you like to travel? depends on how you define "travel"
071) Have you ever been suspended from school? no i'm too much of a suck up
072) Do you want to get out of your hometown? not really. then again i don't really have a hometown
073) Are you a brat? no
074) Have you ever been dumped? not yet
076) What's your favorite drink? milk. then orange juice. coffee is good too.
077) Do you like Snapple? never had it
078) Do you drink a lot of water? nope. almost none. it's amazing i haven't been in the hospital for dehydration...
079) What toothpaste do you use? why does it matter...
080) Do you have a cell phone or pager? yes
081) Do you have a curfew? i think i have an informal curfew for work. but i've always broken any curfews i've had
082) Who do you look up to? people who love life
083) Are you a role model? i hope not
085) What name brand do you wear the most? victoria's secret. hey, it's the truth.
086) What kind of jewelry do you wear? earrings, bracelet, choker, anklet
087) What do you have pierced? 3 pair lobe piercings, 1 pair helix/cartilage piercings, used to have my vch but i lost it due to not checking the tightness of the jewelry. i have such a bad piercing itch right now though...
088) What do you want pierced? lip (left side/bottom), eyebrow, vch maybe, thinking about dermal punching for another pair of cartilage rings... but actually i want labret studs in them so cartilage... piercings... punches...
089) Do you like taking pictures? yes
0090) Do you like getting your picture taken? i do now. there are almost no pictures of me in the last 6 years. i want a good picture!
091) Do you have a tan? no. i'm not supposed to anyway
092) Do you get annoyed easily? depends on my mood
093) Have you ever started a rumor? only for the purpose of seeing how fast something can get around school (which turned out to be less than a day). let's play the mono game!
094) Do you have your own phone/phone line? cell phone. but i never talk on phones anyway
095) Do you have your own pool? no
096) Do you have any siblings? yes
097) Do you prefer boxers or briefs? boxers. or boxer-briefs.
098) Have you ever been played? i don't think it counts as "played" if you intend to be used
099) Have you ever played someone? no
100) Do you get along with your parents? for the most part yes
102) How do you vent your anger? i don't. apparently it's a huge problem. and they said something like i'm in denial about my anger... blah blah blah
103) Have you ever run away? amazingly no
104) Have you ever been fired from a job? nope
105) Do you even have a job? yes. i start work again in 9 days
106) Do you daydream a lot? if i'm not paying attention, i'm daydreaming
107) Do you have a lot of ex’s? no. no chance to have an ex
108) Do you run your mouth? no
109) What do you want a tattoo of? the heart mantra, "love" in sanscrit, i like stars but they're a bit overdone...
110) What do you have a tattoo of? nothing. apparently i have really bad timing.
111) What are your favorite flowers? cala lilies (black roses rock too...)
112) What does your ex bf/gf look like? n/a
113) What does your most recent crush look like? johnny depp.
116) Are you rude? no
117) What was the last compliment you received? something along the lines of i'm awesome... from bryan so yeah
118) Do you like getting dirty? no. not at all.
119) Is your bellybutton an innie or outie? outie
120) Are you flexible? i'm getting there. i'm gonna take yoga next semester
121) What is your heritage? 3/4 spanish, 1/4 german
123) What does your hair look like right now? long, straight, the same it's been for roughly 6 years
124) Could you ever be a vegetarian? no. never.
125) When was your last real heartbreak? not quite sure...
126) Describe your looks? plain jane. who likes black.
127) If you had to completely dye your hair it'd be what color? completely: red or black. partially: blue or red in the front
128) Would you ever date someone younger than you? sure
129) Would you ever date someone older than you? sure
130) When was the last time you were drunk? never. and i intend to keep it that way
131) When was the last time you went on a date? last friday?
132) Would you rather give or receive oral sex? receive, of course
133) Have you ever given? yeah
134) Have you ever received? yeah
135) Have you ever had an eating disorder? i think i stopped it before my eating behavior became more than questionable.
136) Do you have one now? nope
137) How many rings until you answer the phone? if i'm going to answer the phone: 2
138) Have you ever been skinny dipping? i don't really remember
140) Do you look more like your mother or father? neither. but i do look like my cousin
141) Do you cry a lot? yes
142) Do you ever cry to get your way? never
143) If you had to amputate one limb, what would it be? none. oh, left pinky toe. but i think that's a digit and not a limb...
144) What phrase do you use most on the phone? uh-huh...
145) Are you the romantic type? yes...
146) Have you ever been chased by cops? no. i value the fact that i'm not an idiot
147) What do you like most about your body? most? nothing really
148) What do you like least about your body? shaving. honestly, i hate it.
150) When was the last time you threw up? i can't remember
151) In the opposite sex, do you prefer blondes or brunettes? red heads of course. then brunettes.
152) What do the shoes you last wore look like? grey new balance
153) Do you ever wear shirts to show your belly? no. all belly showing is completely unintentional.
154) What about cleavage? actually i have a shirt that i wear specifically because it gives me cleavage.
155) Is your best friend a virgin? ha, ha ha ha. i don't think any of us have any morals about that kind of thing.
156) Have you ever fucked someone up? in what context...
157) Have you ever been fucked up? i want to say yes but in what context...
158) What color are your underwear right now? grey. (c'mon. there was a 1 in 3 chance you would've guessed it anyway. am i right?)
159) What theme does your room have? none.
160) What size shoe do you wear? 10ish
161) What jewelry are you wearing now? earrings
162) What is your screen name on AIM? pyro1065
163) Would you pick a wedgie in public? aren't girls used to that sort of thing wearing thongs...
164) How are you feeling right now? tired. and sick. i'm still coughing. but my throat almost doesn't hurt at all anymore!
165) When was the last time you were at a party? does august count?
166) Have you ever given a lap dance? i think i might have. can't remember...
167) What do you sleep in? pajamas (spaghetti strap top and shorts)
168) Has there ever been a rumor spread about you? considering everyone still thinks i'm a lesbian...
169) What is one of your bad qualities? depression
170) What is one of your good qualities? good listener
171) Would you marry for money? depends on how low i am at the time
172) What do you drive? honda civic (standard)
173) Are you more of a mama or daddy's child? neither... i'm kind of an anomaly...
174) When was the last time you cried in school? you know, i totally made it through 13 years of school just to be conned out of a good cry at senior retreat. damn them for getting me on one of my overly sad days.
175) Do you wear Chucks? no
176) For two million dollars, would you pose for Playboy? of course
177) What time are you finishing this? 5:12 pm

fall into winter

leaves all over the ground. bright green. yellow. red. piles and piles and you wade through them as you go to class. big fluffy pillows, and if it wasn't so cold you'd want to lay in them and imagine a time when things were innocent, the laughter was pure, and every day was exciting. watching the moon out from behind grey clouds while driving back to a place that seems so unfamiliar. getting lost in the stars and the perfect shades of grey, the light off the moon and remembering how you look in that moonlight. feeling good and alive and even police officers with too much time on their hands won't get you down. singing at the top of your lungs because you can, words that are so chilling yet so perfect at the same time. crying every night again, but it's back to a release instead of just something that will prolong that feeling of nothingness, the darkness and the cold, hunger and confusion. maybe it's gone on holiday.

and so many babies! little buddha and beautiful girl, just right where they're supposed to be. one with so much energy and already such personality, the other still feeling out the world, but making everyone else smile anyway. and then another one come yesterday. so small and so fragile, she couldn't wait to see the world. but she's got something that tells me she'll stick around. and she gets to be in an incubator like me, except i came right on time. the babies! i fear babies and all that they hold. a new life in the world, a thing that at times seems so beyond my grasp. and what if i hurt it? there's so much that comes into play when you're responsible for the creation of a person. i fear them. but they are beautiful little creatures... especially when they smile.

and more rushing and doing unwanted things. sometimes it turns out well, other times not so well. a feeling of wanting to be safe totally corrupted by the knowledge of danger. knowing i need to be safe, safe from myself, and finding it in the arms of a love. falling asleep knowing with absolute certainty that i am loved, and knowing that one day i will be better. and try to carry that through.

times are different, and yet so much the same. i don't know people anymore, although i think others know me better now, if at all. we all have so much, so much, and i take it all for granted. every single piece of it. if you really think of what you have, what life is, every little thing. cold milk. clouds. turning fall leaves. falling leaves. water. hugs. smiles. understanding. fire. that feeling after focusing completely on your form in martial arts. that little flutter in your stomach when someone says "i love you".

there's so much to look forward to. so much. i don't know why i can't always see that, or why i sometimes want to get away from it. but things happen. optimistic? not exactly. just... ok.

Newton's Laws:

Gravity = Love
Motion = Karma

Athol Fugard
Notebooks 1960-1977

i didn't think that i'd have to be back here so soon. i thought sunday that i was going to break. all weekend that i was going to break. but i didn't. i held on and kept it together. i thought i was going to die sunday night. but i didn't, i made it back in one piece, and i kept myself together. good days, finally, later. there are sirens outside. they've been going steady for the past week. wonder if it's real, someone lying in the back of an ambulance holding on for their life... or if it's just another alarm pull by the children here. there was a girl lying on the floor in corbett today. the emt's were working on her. blonde hair all mussed up and flying everywhere, matted against her head from the elastic cord they have on the oxygen mask. writhing, crying. four people seemingly darting to get things done, to help her, to do their jobs. woman on a cell phone, long black coat, disconnected look. i thought she might be calling out for food, with how disinterested she looked. but everyone takes it differently. i just glanced and walked by. ten feet away people were going on as usual, drinking their coffee and reading newspapers and talking with friends. having a good time. so disconnected from the world. that could be anyone. an everyman, everywoman. no one cares anymore. we just keep going with our lives. no one else matters.

i went back to my room and slept.

"friends don't let friends go to unm". who says that to a person. certainly not an adult that's supposed to help you. someone who says "well you can't handle two maths" or that "unm isn't the same caliber as here". people are supposed to help. i could've tape recorded her and no one would believe me. that red sweater. horn rimmed glasses. voice of superiority. no one believes. when you say the same thing time after time, no one will believe anything you say, even if it's true every time.

and they made me talk to the counselor. they made it sound like they figured i'd kill myself if they couldn't get me an appointment, i tried to say that was fine and hang up, but they transferred me over to her and she sounded like she knew me already. "right, i got your email. actually, i have an opening wednesday. i'll sign you up for then". it's gonna be the same. all i wanted was medication, but have to go through the motions again. no one seems helpful there to me. they just all treat you like you're going to kill yourself.

and meanwhile no one notices the people who sit alone in taos everyday. same table, same food. same distant look. that desparate glance when someone walks by their table... maybe... just maybe they'll sit down... and i? i've made an art of being alone. it comes with the attitude, the belief. closed body language, right foot up on the chair. don't make eye contact. don't make any contact. and eat because now you're forcing yourself to. i don't have anything to talk to people about anymore. "maybe if you're not so lazy...", "maybe if you didn't whine...", "well, if you got out once and a while...". so why bother. i say "yeah, my favorite band is in town tonight at hurricane alley, but it's 21+." "who?" "flickerstick." "oh. never heard of them." and i wonder why i'm enthusiastic about music anymore, so i just let it pass.

no one really cares.

in a world where we're all so selfish, it's a wonder that more people haven't killed themselves. people say that suicide is the most selfish act anyone could do. my view, aren't you being selfish by saying that? i've always viewed suicide as the most powerful thing you could ever do. not murder, murder isn't power because the other person doesn't have a choice. with suicide, you're telling the world that you give up on it, not the other way around. the ultimate in power. the ultimate in control.

two people remembered my birthday. one was obligated. one was a day late. and all i wanted to do was sleep.

and so, the self fulfilling prophecy has been, well, fulfilled. and i didn't just hit the floor. i broke. it hurt this time. it never hurt before, at least i don't remember it. dull. could've at least snagged some blades. and now i've broken a promise, and that won't heal. and if it does... knowing me i'll feel worse. does it count as a slip up? i don't know. i wasn't going to get the tattoo anyway. i'll never get it.

i felt so good this morning. so perfectly good. and i wanted to write. maybe if i had just gotten on here sooner, i wouldn't have to be apologizing so much.

please... not again...

bye

i'm leaving for a while. maybe i'll get back here when i absolutely need to... i don't know.

bye.

devil's night

it's devil's night. i'll be watching the crow and getting mentally and emotionally fucked up, but it's the only time in the year when i allow myself to do so.

hm... and i didn't even watch the full moon this time.

fading.

i'm crashing... after 3 days of being ok i'm not anymore... and i was more than ok i was happy... now... i can't sleep after being so intensely tired for the past few days... tired beyond the point of sleeping anymore? it's been an hour and i'm wide awake but now i'm crying 'cause i tried not to think about it and yet everything just comes flooding back and i can't help it. i can't make it stay away and all i was thinking is how i need something to make me go to sleep... i wish someone was here to sit with me... anyone... i just don't feel safe... i never feel safe anymore. i just need to sleep that's all i want is sleep... why is this so hard? i can't do this... i have to sleep...

you're never there

thoughts racing that make me start to crash, to break in two and just sit where i am hyperventilating, crying... thinking where where where i have to do it now, but something or someone always keeps me from it. i've been trying to trigger myself the whole day. i even went to house of sins, but i scared myself by doing so because i got it through my head that i really was at a pro-ana site. and that i had gone there of my own free will. there are no pro-si sites. i looked for a while. why? i wanted to see it again. i don't have a bme membership anymore, i can't see the ritual cutting gallery more than the first few pages. a few weeks ago they scared me. i would barely glance at them and i would get so freaked out... but now... things always happen. they haven't replied to my email. should i go back to a crappy counselor just for the purpose of getting medication? i said i would, but they haven't emailed me back. and i'm sure i was supposed to do something for my scholarship this week, i just can't figure out what. i have weird dreams now, and weird daydreams... seeing things how they should be. plans. i made plans. just the phrase itself is so loaded. plans. plans never work, and how many times have i said that? that plans and dreams and hopes are just crap? now i don't know what i'll do that weekend. if the play isn't that week, then what's the point of going home and being humiliated once again, going just so i can please someone else. and i don't know i can never make decisions, not anymore with these two different people coming out at random times and fucking everything up. and i think if i lose six months i won't be able to get my tattoo. but as it is that changes with what person i am. feeling good, lower back. feeling bad, left forearm. how will i know? how will i know what mood i'll be in on that day? will i have to get two to satisfy both people? and what if i just stop all body mod, who am i then? who am i now? i don't know anymore. i don't have drama. i don't have my old mannerisms. all i have is this... thing. and i think i'm getting an ed. i don't know. my stomach hurts. my head hurts. i took ibuprofin but it's still here. maybe i could go to sleep... and every time i have a really bad urge i can't tell you. i've misused you so much already. when i did it to him he had sense enough to drop me before i could hurt him. i don't see him anymore, i don't think i ever will. no one sees me anymore. how could they? they look right through me. and that's how it should be. it would be easier. and more people die... she was a little sweet girl and now she's murdered and she left behind a two year old. i told my mother i didn't remember her but i do, of course i do i remember everyone. everyone that dies... everyone dies. empathy. sometimes i hate being so empathetic, feeling what others do. it makes me go crazy because they aren't even my emotions, they're someone else's. someone else's fears and sadness, why do i feel them? why do i have to feel them? all i ever wanted to do was just watch the moon and the stars. that's all...

the past. revisited.

"the future doesn't exist. all you have is the past, the present, and your memories. and doesn't that just suck?"

i'm in a weird place right now. all last night i tried not to think about being back in this room today, tried not to remember that i had to step back into the real world. but then i woke up and we were doing everything separate again, getting ready to leave to our different schools, different lives. i drove back in a fog... slightly reckless but it's not like that doesn't happen all the time. back and tired and teary eyed and i tried to sleep and not think of tomorrow, not think that i'll be here until thanksgiving and then dec 10th and then back in january and won't be free until may. i had two things to look forward to, to keep me going. one was this weekend, and the other was getting out of here at semester. now this weekend's gone, and i can't leave. and it's not like i ever get a choice, i should've known that by now... but at the same time i was still hoping...

everything just feels so much... worse now. and it's not, it's the same as it was a month ago or even last tuesday. classes are the same, homework's the same, same labs and tests, same routine. but now there's no out.

i started this in seventh grade: live for the weekend. because whatever happens during the week can temporarily fade away with sleep on the weekend. back then living till the weekend seemed like such a stretch, but the weekend would come, and i would sleep, maybe even without crying if i could distance myself from reality enough... and i would start another week. and that's how i survived seventh grade.

sure, i could say that it was the logical arguments i set up for myself: you can't be this miserable for the rest of your life. this is only temporary. you'll get friends. you'll find someone who understands. you'll get to a point where everything isn't so hard. because you have to. life always gets better, if even for just a moment. and you live for those moments don't you? you'd live for those moments... i was very persuasive, but at the same time i had this underlying feeling that i was just telling myself these things so i wouldn't have to bother with being ultimately misunderstood in suicide.

i was, and am, greatly misunderstood. which is my own fault, i know. if i actually said what i felt, said what i thought, said what i wanted... ah, but i learned early that people don't listen to me. when you don't listen, you'll never understand anything about another person.

and the funny thing is i could write a much better suicide note when i was in seventh grade than i ever could now. i don't think i've ever gone a year without mentally writing some sort of suicide note. back then i wanted to explain every single facet of my mind and my emotion, my motivation behind the act. i wanted them to be ripped apart by my words. i wanted them to realize that they ignored the wrong person. i wanted them to be so confused about life that they'd rethink everything. i wanted them to hurt. and what now? last time i thought on it (last week? the week before?) it was just emailing my best friends and telling them that i love them and i'm sorry... and then calling my boyfriend and just telling him that i love him. that's all. no explanation anymore. i've given up all desire to explain myself because no one listens anymore. when i was younger i figured i could make them listen. now i'm older and more resigned. my point was proven perfectly this last wednesday. people wonder why i have such low self esteem. it's from being basically told that i'm an idiot and don't know how to live my own life (not in so many words, or with that exact connotation, but i've been through it so many times that i get it perfectly by now). as perfect as i've tried to be to prove them wrong, to prove everyone wrong, i'm still seen as the stupid little girl who can't do anything for herself. and so ok then, if that's what you think, then that's how i'll be. i've always been a firm believer in the concept that if you're unjustly punished, might as well do something that the punishment could account for. and so yeah, i'm not eating, not drinking water, not walking, not getting out and doing anything social. it's kind of like my revenge. i've been doing it in one form or another for years now. as long as i can remember, actually. somewhere around summer junior to senior year it switched to cutting. but the problem with that one was that it actually worked, did it's job. one of those epiphany kind of moments. i don't remember how i stumbled onto it... only that i had been thinking about it for about 3 years but never done it due to the social stigma placed on cutters, among other things. i don't even remember why i finally did it. then again i can't remember much of anything over the years. and then i had to go and write that story for creative writing last semester. and then ooh look she's depressed and suicidal we must help her she's second in the class and we can't look bad if this gets out we must help her to make us look good! we must save her! i was too tired to argue with them. i was too tired to lie anymore the whole last year. i was pissed off as all hell because i was 18 and as such not a minor anymore, they didn't have to put me through that shit. but i understand why they did it. i flat out refused counseling. they were going to force me to go into therapy, because that's their policy. but, since it was the last quarter of school, time didn't allow them to carry out any disciplinary actions if i didn't get therapy. i planned it all well. yes, i planned it that way, just in case something went wrong (as it did) i'd have an out. i wouldn't have dared to turn in something like that any time before then, because of what they could force me to do. and no one wants to be known as the crazy person in the family... we never talk about such disfunction in my mother's family. and oh, is there tons. i don't blame them, i don't blame any of them, because i think i inherited a little more than just hair and skin color from my mother's side. i think i got the crazy gene. i can pick out a few people actually. but no one speaks of such things. no one talks about the obvious bipolar traits in certain people (not me... i still insist that i'm never high enough or reckless enough to be considered manic)...

it's funny how much you pick up by just listening and watching people. this is how i learn. i listen, and i watch. so much so that i feel much more comfortable listening to a person for hours on end and never saying a thing about myself. and, by listening to everything a person says, you also find out everything they don't say. i made a comment a few years ago that i would tell anyone anything they wanted to know about me, as long as they asked. they have to ask.

and, to my great relief at times, no one ever asks.

it makes things easier. i tend to alienate people unintentionally when i talk about myself, my life.

ha, another thing: i can't write when other people are in the room.

tired now.

free download

not much to say, except flickerstick's teenage dope fiend is up for free download at itunes. apparently i was a week off in what i thought it would be, so it's only up until tuesday.

check it out. or not. whatever.

decisions, decisions.

hi.

um, i'm not quite sure what to say... or maybe just how to say this.

i'm... tired. and infinitely confused, but what's really new with that one. i'm shaky today, which only kind of scares me. i have started to, decline shall i say, in my eating habits again. figured i did it a couple years ago, also being on copious amounts of caffiene, except right now i'm about 15 pounds lighter than i have been in what three four years? that would scare me, except i can't be brought to freaking out about health things anymore. told yesterday i was looking frail. can't really argue with it. ha, i guess it's just si in another form now isn't it. ah well. so, the tired thing, pretty much accounted for. i was offered antidepressants after 45 minutes of my "counselor" mumbling her way through the intro session. which pissed me off greatly. granted, i've been seriously thinking of getting myself on meds, but on the other hand i've also been seriously thinking of just taking up smoking pot. right now it could go either way. but the one thing is you don't ever get the urge to overdose on pot, while if you're taking pills... and what? suicidal ideation? i didn't know i wasn't supposed to talk about that one. no one tells me these things. but you know, on tuesday night overdosing on pills sounded like a really novel idea to me. which in turn made me think i was even crazier the next morning when i woke up and thought, "what the FUCK?". (clarification - overdosing not really my thing. i've always preferred slitting my wrists. i think it's the combination of something i'm used to and for me it would be a lot more likely with success if i slit my wrists. you always hear of people getting found after an overdose and getting saved.). but really, it sounded quite good. and while we're on the subject of my new checklist of things: had 3 panic attacks tuesday night, in the span of 4 hours. two were while i was in a theatre, in between two people who i don't know, watching a play that has become notorious of fucking with my head (by the way, it's amazing. i wish everybody could see it. then again maybe some people aren't into expressionism as much as i am). didn't help that i'd been "manic" (i use the term loosely) for the previous 24 hours. so, after freaking out indoors, i practically ran out of the theatre and started walking, thinking that would help. it didn't. proceeded to go back to room, alienate boyfriend, cut off all possibilities of anyone getting a hold of me, and have 3rd panic attack. and i must say, i wasn't really expecting it. considered throwing out 4 months yet again, realized that i still didn't have razor blades, spent another hour on bus, and then cried myself to sleep.

um, and now i realize that everyone's run away. everyone being the 2 people that read this. hm. that's ok.

what to say... so i'm miserable at school. came home for the weekend, don't really know why now that i'm here. maybe i thought that i wouldn't feel that i'm dying in this house. didn't really think that one through. it's kind of funny, now that i think of it. 2 different people, emerging at totally random times, just to make me thoroughly confused and make it so i can't make any decisions or plans at all. case in point: kristin 1 wants to transfer to unm, be with friends, get out of this shit, get into theatre, and have a chance at living/being happy. kristin 2 wants to cut herself off from everyone, break up with bf so he won't have to put up with her, stay at nmsu, stay miserable, drag my way through the next 4 years and at the same time fill my arm and hip with scars. now, on any given day kristin 1 and kristin 2 can switch off one to oh, say, five, six times. having a good day means staying with one personality consistently the whole day. so, depending on the moment, i can make up a plan for my future, and then totally contradict that plan. back and forth and back and forth and it's really amazing that i get done what i get done. i'm honestly amazed that i haven't ditched class. wait... i'm not, because that would mean that i would end up getting something less than an A in class.

fuck. me.

now, all that being said, you can imagine why i haven't been so keen on posting lately. because do you really want to hear this type of shit again and again and again... i mean, i could go on, but i realize i've already said too much. which is a funny thing in and of itself.

ah, but the matter at hand. i'm, how shall i say... quite convinced that i will not have the support of my parents in the "plan" of transferring to unm. which, you know, i could still do. i mean i have money, i have a promised job, i can get loans... but the thing is (oh and i just love this one), my parents have successfully planted a seed of doubt in my mind. and let's just say that the plant produced by that seed will be a weedy kind. the fucking thing just won't go away. (fatal flaw of living in this house and voluntarily coming back: this kind of shit happens all the time. somehow i keep thinking things will be different now. how sadly wrong i was). and so, with that said, i'm at a quite interesting conflict. it seems that kristin 1 and kristin 2 have now temporarily merged. they're kind of both starting to agree with each other.

i don't know. seriously, i'm just as surprised when my mood changes as everyone else. i don't know who i'll be tomorrow or even the next hour. i'm not sure about anything. and yes, i do mean anything.

you don't understand that. then again, you don't have to.

fuck it

it's always good to feel that you are an intelligent person.

although, it is not good when you feel infinitely superior to a person who is supposed to be your counselor.

now how to get out of the next appt...

i won't do this to you anymore.

i'm going back to my old self.

i'm sorry.