what do i have to be to make you stay

i think i broke last night.

old memories come haunting me like truths that i keep trying to run away from. streams of tears cloud my vision and i think i'm in some dream state. not really there... this isn't really happening. and it's like i'm swimming in some body, disconnected from everything around me. but i have to make everything right, even if i'm exhausted, even if i'm miserable, even if i hate myself for what i do. i'm not worth making demands. i can't say listen to me, be with me for once. i can't make myself be happy. i don't know how to be... ok with being somewhere i don't want to be. i'm too confused again.

will you please just stay with me...

peather fillow

torki tiches

life out of the corner of your eye

sometime during the early evening the realization hit me: it has been one year since i graduated. for the first time in my life, i can remember almost the exact events that happened a year ago (all the way from may 1st to when i left for state in august). i can remember what i did every single day of this week a year ago too: sunday was daivd and kyle's graduation party, i drove for pretty much the first time in my civic, and stalled pretty much every time that i had to try and get started from first gear. monday i had to put together some kind of speech for senior awards that night, ended up writing an intro paragraph and then getting my brother to write what i figured i was trying to say. tuesday graduation, after graduation dinner, and then the after afterness in where no one called me about parties/get togethers after i specifically asked them to (but in all honesty it worked out for the best...). wednesday i attempted to dye irena's hair red, thursday go into santa and find a party going on at kat's, get thoroughly depressed, have an episode, and cut for the second to last time ever (to date that is). friday go into town shop for shorts/skirts, meet up with irena, go get my hood pierced (and she her nose), paula and samantha's graduation party, more party at kat's house, spend the night with alex. saturday get my computer (wonderful).

i have never, ever been able to remember a time as well as now.

big things. big, big things happening before and after graduation. i was thinking today, while driving home from work (it's that time again boys and girls, the dreaded 40 hour work week), that i was more afraid last year at this time that i am now. and then i had to promptly correct myself because i was actually not very afraid at all a year ago. school had just ended, i had almost no responsibilities anymore (except work), and i was getting into a relationship. i had almost nothing to lose. and now... it's not that i have a great deal to lose, it's that i have almost nothing to gain if things go wrong.

bah.

finished the semester. didn't have any time to rest and unwind, back into work and remembering after two days how much i dislike being in los alamos, hoping that by the end of this week i won't be only wanting to work there part time (or not at all). i haven't seen my best friends in forever, and i don't know if i ever will. but i still have my love, and i still have at least a glimmer of hope for the upcoming present.

i don't know if i understand what i'm thinking...

bare walls

i don't know why i'm back on here except that i felt some need to type. long day of sleeping, and i'm still tired. and i know why i slept and why i still need to sleep, but i still feel like such a failure to even get out of bed and do anything today. eleven whole hours to study and program, and i don't think i'll do much of anything for more than an hour, if that. it feels like another of those bad weeks where i just don't care and my grades take a plunge because of it. i keep on reminding myself that if i'm happy then grades don't matter at all. if i was 4.0 and miserable it wouldn't even be worth it because i'd be so messed up nothing would matter. the trade off sucks, considering my past, but it's something that i have to live with now. i am not going to obsess over something that in the end won't really matter. can't even obsess over money anymore since can't get any scholarships, just have to keep up a 2.5 overall, and if i can't even do that then something bigger is wrong.

i'm in a huge cuddly stage and am being very unfulfilled in that area. which is more than reasonable since i feel like cuddling every moment of the day now. i saw american beauty for the first time last night and cried. my blood tests came back. they say i'm fine. i officially give up on doctors... which is sad because now that means that everything really is in my head. i have this primal urge to refuse to go to a therapist/psychiatrist. it's not even a question in my head, just someone says go and my mind spits out "no". i just don't want to get burned again by doctors who don't understand me. i don't want to be put on medication that will kill the few highs that i get. but i think most of my relationships are hinging on this whole me going thing. aren't breakdowns the kind of thing you're supposed to get out of your system when you're still in highschool? it's a year later and i still feel the same, except maybe less energetic with the highs. and i never burn anything anymore. it's been such a long time... so much to burn but it's like the fire has mellowed out with me. i want to go back to berkeley and walk through the eucalyptus forest and lay on the grass and hang out on telegraph. and then i want to ride in cars with my friends in santa fe for the entire day, hang out and eat and watch movies and just be us again. and i keep saving money for some silly reason even though i still don't see myself living past college. and i want to make things. and read books. and i want to visit las cruces even though every time i think about it it makes me cry. i don't want a roommate next semester (who can handle me?). i want to be able to stay me even if that means sleeping all day. six months in eight days. i did it only twice in all of last year. more out of guilt than strength. but i guess that's still good, it's what everyone wanted.

things are... different.

end of an era

cory left the band almost a month ago. i didn't find out until just now when i finally went to the site to check it out for the month. cory left and i didn't even know.

they have more kids, not that that's necessarily something i should be keeping up with in the first place. but a lot's happened in the five years since i first stumbled upon them. families and growing up always seems to kill rock bands.

but they're not dead, wanting to record this summer (yeah, like we haven't heard that one before).

brandin, rex, fletcher. three left.

i never even got to see all of them play live.

i haven't listened to tarantula a fraction of the times i listened to whta. but i still have all 5 cds.

this is just weird. when flickerstick is gone, who will come after to fill the void?

(brandin, i still maintain that your voice sounds like an angel's in the right moments)

that is all. back to programming.

made my day

you just made me ecstatic.

yeah.

sometimes the inevitable happens

eh. just... eh.

you know, there's so many things that i wouldn't have changed in that school. things that i liked, that i wanted, structure and security, knowing everyone in your class (and in turn most of the school). but the things that are wrong throughout the years have just overshadowed all the good. immensely.

i wish i could be around all the happenings there now, just to take it all in and see how people are truly reacting to it. whether it's out of selfishness, cover-my-assness, or people really taking it to heart. i guess i am pessimistic, or just really realistic in this day and age, but 9 out of 10 says that no one had any idea what she was thinking, and now they're making it about them.

and maybe i am a bad person when the first thing that comes to my head after hearing it was "good for you". maybe i'm a sick, horrible person, but part of me really holds on to that she did what she wanted, she ultimately had the control. the other me, knowing what i know now, still standing on the threshold of what i should be going through but refuse, thinks that maybe if someone could've understood her, maybe she would want help and get it, and be better for it. but ultimately, it is your own choice. i still maintain that your body is the only thing you really have, the only thing you have true control over. do what you want with it. (i also maintain that suicide is the most powerful act you could ever commit. i know some (most) people would say that i shouldn't respect someone because of that, but i do, and i suppose i always will.)

but the thing that's been throwing me off is that for every person who actually succeeds, there's at least a handful (or more) people at that school who haven't been successful. and they do nothing about it. there isn't really any safe area kids can go to, no counselors that actually give a shit (except for sunseri, but only seniors are allowed to see her, so what about everyone else?), no one people can truly talk to without the threat of extra adult and parental intervention. what about all the kids that are pushed into the shadows because of what they tried to do? i don't know, there's just so much that's still very wrong with this picture.

how do people know. people never know unless they take the time to care, and even then you only know as much as the person wants you to know. before senior year i only told my 2 best friends of my suicidal... tendencies... and that's because they were the only people i felt truly cared about me. after i turned 18 i didn't really care what happened, i wasn't scared of adult intervention anymore, so i became open with what i'd been struggling with all of high school. then shit went down and (because of where i was at the time, and where i figured i was headed) i shut up, because my suspicions at the time proved to be correct... on a base level, they were just covering their asses. but the bottom line was this: i had been depressed the entire time i was at that school. i had seriously seriously considered killing myself a handful of times (as i'm sure a lot of other people had/have), and no one ever noticed, at least not enough to ask me about it. they were all busy keeping their eye on the "stoners" and people with bad grades, people who tried to fuck with the dress code, people who they thought were delinquents. and, while i think that some people who act out are doing it for different motives (that need to be watched/looked into), i truly believe that they were focusing on the wrong people.

i didn't know her. i'll say that right now. i never took the time to really talk to her outside of drama things. i was the old drama bitch by the time she came around, and she (as well as most of the other new girls) made that clear to me. maybe if my role had been different in the context that we were all in then maybe i'd have gotten to know her better. maybe if people really could wear their lives on their skin she would've talked to me. but that's all what-if's, and it gets us nowhere. in all truth i was more worried about her sister and a handful of other girls in the club than i was about her. if i had more than a few months? maybe. and then again maybe not. who knows what happens when you look back on it with the eyes of death.

my mother called and told me that she loved me. i still find that ridiculously funny.

and to the point? it's sad that the people around her have to have this jolt in their lives. it's sad that they didn't see it coming, in whatever little sense anyone could've. it's sad that it takes this for some people to rethink things, and it's sad that this will spark a wave of suicide attempts.

but, in all, ultimately, i'm happy for her.

creo que necesito cambiar

so, yeah. things have been... hectic. my own fault really, as usual, but still. i was thinking yesterday, on my way to class, that i could just up and go to spain, maybe come back a couple years later, and somehow magically be better. and if not be better, than just more interesting. because why? i can't seem to be convinced that this traditional education and traditional carreer path will work. i keep thinking that there's something better, more creative, more on my terms, if there's anything out there at all. and now people remind me daily "you could have gone anywhere... why on earth are you here?" and when i tell them i didn't think i really had a choice, they don't understand. parts of me don't understand either, but the majority of me still knows exactly what i was talking about in the first place. and so i suppose i'll trudge along and make things work out, if only because that's what you have to do nowadays. and taking up guitar again and wanting to be creative won't fix things, just make you more restless.

who would have thought that failing would be so easy? getting stuck in a routine where you don't actually do anything but wait to sleep again. where mood swings are a daily occurrence, and now i can't even remember what bed i'm sleeping in. get sleeves and full piercings and long hair that flows freely. sandals and skirts and being warm. if i was just warm, how much better things would be. leave a hot place that makes me cry yet i get good grades and learn, to come to a place where i have a social life, but am cold and struggle through everything. it was the trade off i was willing to make at the time. it's still a good trade off, i just put on more sweaters and jackets and make myself go to class, gain new friends that will leave. tired's got nothing to do with it. i just need to be away from this all.

and doctors are the same, i don't think i'll go to get bloodwork done this week, i can't bring myself to do it just to be let down again. someone upset because they're healthy. and if i did still belive in god things would be a lot worse, i'd be even more of a failure than i already at times am. stars and peroxide. cuts like the soul. five months and i'm restless again. go figure.

maybe one day i'll get to go somewhere. my creativity will come back. right now i need to figure out a way to convince people that things will be alright, even though i know that they won't.

I am currently party to one sugar high. And by sugar high I mean more sugar than should be in one’s body at 12:50am. I thought it was a good idea, if thirsty then drink the rootbeer that you left in your friends’ fridge. I mean it’s caffeine free, so everything would be ok.

WRONG!

Lesson learned children: stick with the v8 you were originally going to have. It’s good for you, and I’m gonna bet that it won’t keep you up at midnight playing guitar in a room that has a purple fur rug that looks like a pimp jacket when one crazy French boy puts it on.

So now I’m a slacker, eh? Half of it feels really good, doing something that I really want to do in the moment like watch a movie or take a nap or some other sort of extra curricular activity that doesn’t include much activity instead of actually going to labs or doing your homework. On that note, I have officially fucked up my latest program, and my grade in that class I’m guessing, but the good thing is that I have no idea how to fix the program to make it work. Yay for confusion and bad teachers!

Sarcasm is totally lost on me when I’m in this state. And to think this was previously a very, very, very bad day.

Maybe I am diabetic. Hm…

I even did laundry. I never do laundry. Our basement looks freakishly bright and shiny due to the hideous paint job one of the ra’s did on it. Well, technically it’s d2’s part of the basement, but if there’s a basement, usually all of it is basement. Usually.

I want to be a hippie. Yes, I want to be a hippie. I could make a song out of it and play guitar and have the pasta sing and then we can all play perfect dark because n64 is teh roxors. And now that I have actually used that phrase in real life I think I will have to rewash my brain. Or maybe just my pajamas. Jammies!

It’s really quite horrible that I’m still wide awake. Maybe some late night war chalking? Ninja training? Squirrel fishing? Damn squirrels. Cold now, off to big fluffy blue blanket land where everything is cozy until the alarm radio goes off or some people come knocking on my door.
--------------------

i wrote this at 1am-ish on word because blogger wasn't letting me into my account, hence all the random capitalized words (and by random i mean things that are usually supposed to be capitalized. damn autocorrect.

can't think right now

i found my first white hair today.

finally getting use out of my curved barbell i found again last month. in other words, i can't cross my legs for another few days.

my head is going to asplode.

unreal

sometimes i think that i've fallen off the face of the earth.

back to the old way of writing, meaning that there is no writing. there hasn't been any writing for over a year now, a year proper, and days like this make me think that it will never come back again. going through these cycles, just like everything else in my life nowadays, writing about how i can't write, or writing about how low i am at the moment. and so what if neither is true?

i've always reported that i hate being this thing that no one wants to touch, and yet when i'm just ok, not good not great not fantastic, just kind of slowly walking through life being just ok, it's like a whole new sort of death. nothing desirable, nothing that gets away from anything or solves any problems, just being stuck in the same mindset and same body for days and months on end.

and i hate this even more than i hate my uterus.

but as much as there was once a time for me, that time has long passed. now instead of wondering how i will get through the day, the week, the month, i fear for everyone else's mortality, their sanity. teenagers with cancer and family in jail and death and surgeries and best friends breaking, flirting with ana and feeling what i've seen before, no one should be able to understand me, on any level. having a feeling that once you leave a room something very bad will happen, and not to you. and i wished so badly that i could have taken it all from you, taken your pain and your confusion and everything that was hurting you, kept it in me because i was the one that was tired, and it wasn't supposed to happen that once i get happy you have black days of your own. and i could see, i could feel, all of a sudden your aura was different, and it scared me that i couldn't be there to assure you of anything except the fact that i still loved you, and i would always love you, and just as i had done before every time i thought of you i sent you all of my love, hoped that it mingled in with the other one's love and kept you secure, let your mind rest for a while. but then what do i do now? love is something that will never go away, no matter the situation, no matter the consequences, it will still be there. where are the people? i don't want you to starve yourself to death because america has a fucked up view on body image. i don't want you to feel as uncertain or scared as i ever have, to the point where just seeing people is hard to do. i want you to be happy, be loved, and live your lives on your own terms. i want you to have the best emotional and physical relationships as possible. i want you to always feel loved (because you are, and always will be), as well as love others. to know that wherever you are, someone is always thinking about you.

i want you to see yourselves as the beautiful, wonderful people that i see you as.

i wish i could show your your auras, and how much they've changed over the last few months.

i wish so much for you, but right now all i can do is say i love you again, and hope that you will remember that when you need to.
. .

days go by and sometimes all i want to do is lay there and hold you while you sleep, somehow convince you of everything i've ever said. maybe things would be easier that way, if you could understand. and i want to talk to you about everything in the world, and how fucked up everything was when this started, and how i regret using you, misleading you about who i was. and i will admit that you've probably saved my life twice over, but i won't lay my soul and my being in your hands if you can't do the same with me. i cannot remember life being different than i have been in the last few years, and now i wonder if i haven't been this way my entire life. but... i can't feel your life. i can't feel your aura. and as much as that's a bunch of spiritual shit to you, it means a great deal to me. and you worry me. sometimes i look at you and you're not there. and there's something beneath that, something that i won't ever be able to touch because you won't let me. and i'm ok with that. i'm ok that i won't ever be able to see the storms and the leaves, the tears and the oceans, blood red and dark blue. i'm ok that the only sunbursts i will ever see from you will be your eyes. i will love you despite your lack of color and scent, lack of defining energy cloud. i will love you in every present, every moment that ever was or ever will be. i will love you past this life, into the time and space beyond which you say doesn't exist. i will love you, but i don't think i will ever be able to find you. and if you won't let me in, if you will let me go on searching a forever to find you, i'll have to let go. you'll have to let go. but i'll always love you.

i never got to sway with you in the perfect light.

it's all i ever wanted.

a day in the loop for today's tomorrow

words flying from fingertips like some sort of rain, just dropping dropping down until a light drizzle becomes a full on storm. anyone caught in the rain gets wet, gets cold, gets down. grey droplets rolling over skin, soaking in, spreading out. and all of a sudden you look out and realize that you're stuck in the rain, your path is obscured by a fog and a doubt. panic sets in, or just resignment? try to fight through the clouds and find sunlight, or just keep walking in the rain? and which would be better... after getting caught in the rain time after time you just get used to it, where the cold urgentness to change goes away and you're just left feeling numb. get to a dry place. warm and gentle under blue covers, soft and perfect. drift into slumber in a way that feels like love - arms wrapped around you and whispering in your ear, holding you so that you know you can never fall again, because you're in the arms of happiness. and nothing matters. not the rain pouring down outside, not the sun shining above the clouds, none of it.

and so why does any of it matter?

hold me now, i'm six feet from the edge and i'm thinkin
maybe six feet ain't so far down...

walking around, i think i'm going to run into camilo and ann and marsha and aimee and maybe my old ta... but then i look up from the ground and see that everything's so much bigger, so many more people hanging around. new routes to get to classes and having to time how long it takes to get places again. instead of going across campus in ten minutes it takes fifteen. stairs and stairs and stairs. but the people! there's people around. same classness, same apathy and bitching about profs. and i don't want to do class or work or anything involving thinking. i walked in and realized i was so far away... why try to catch up when it's all going so fast? in highschool things went fast but you had something to look forward to. now i have nothing to look forward to, and i haven't taken the time to find something to strive for. just tired again. a highschool burnout. i scare too many people again, and yet... and i retired my helix piercings on friday. i was too far down to really care anymore, i didn't figure i would last for long then. i guess i pulled out of it... i don't know how. i miss being clever and intelligent and good. i miss being able to understand things and be really enthusiastic about concepts. weird dreams, weird waking thoughts. and i need to talk to you more. need more.

and you just don't get it

and so?

what do i do with this same feeling that i always get. what do i do with a new situation and tiredness of it all. what do i do with my head and my body and my emotions. and how do i make it stop. how do i get my best friend to actually talk to me anymore and stop telling other people to stay out of it, shouldn't i be the one telling people to stay out of it? all i've ever wanted to do was just sit down and have a nice conversation with you like we used to. the good conversations. but apparently people don't want to touch me again, so be it, i've been contemplating letting go of it all for a while now. someone has to help but no one can help... not help when i walk into an empty room and there's no one in the hallways, no one outside, no one to see. same thing different place, but this time i'm right across from a hospital, and that's probably a good thing. classes and classes and class hasn't even started yet. too bad i'm so pathetic. ah well. how do you tell doctors that you hate eating and being around groups of people, hate conflict and yelling, how do you tell someone that there's no future, or that the world really is bad, and there really is nothing we can do to change it, short of killing ourselves? no one understands me to the point where they think that i'm just making it all up. where cutting is a problem only because other people say it's a problem. where the only truth that could possibly get their attention is that i do think about killing myself, every single day. but without any previous attempts or visible scars they just will say you're too stressed, go out and get drunk have fun. doctors who really don't give a shit that you've been hormonally unbalanced since they took out your fucking ovary, that everything that happens is all because of your fucked up body. no, no, get out, get some exercise, stop dwelling on it and you'll magically feel better, because we have no idea what we did to you when you were a baby... no idea how it affected you. i just keep hoping that one day i'll have to have a histerectomy.

a mirror reflecting an empty room, a broken person. what is pleasure? what is safety? what is happiness? red lines in skin, like red silk flowing by.

and no one even knows.

is anyone ever really there

so everyone's doing end of the year recaps. if i had been around more physically and mentally in the last week i would've posted more, and posted on this sooner, but as it is i'm just trying to keep myself together. again.

january february march. isn't it all the same? same doubts and fears, but a desire to let everything go and just practice instant gratification and self indulgence. i remember being optimistic, the most optimistic i think i've been in my entire life. and things were good, for a while. ups and downs and ups and downs and a lingering in the back of my mind (which still won't go away).

march/april. the split-second of determined writing, the infamous story, and then the world broke. it was so liberating to write it, not so much to tell people, but to be connected with it without actually physically recreating the act, to write. teacher and counselor involvement, my hatred and fear and confusion being played upon. she saw something that i had convinced myself wasn't there, and opened up a whole new realm of doubt for me.

april/may. after the extreme week of happiness a bit after the incident, i steadily came back down, and continued to go deeper and deeper until i finally crashed the thursday after graduation. a much hated prom that i didn't want to go to, but again did so for other people (who barely talked to me the entire night). so, that night, i just shut down. didn't care. stayed in that state until when... july?

we shant talk about june. or july. no one knew where i was anyway, so it wouldn't matter.

august full of parties and 2am stops to ihop, convincing drunk friends that village inn really was ihop, long talks about nothing in particular with guys that i felt like i knew forever, homework, non-homework, breakdowns...

september. surprised labor day weekend, followed by winning incubus tickets 1.5 hours before the show (which kicked major ass), followed by a non-zozobra weekend and second breakdown.

i can't remember the rest of september, october, or november, except there was a point where i was in albuquerque/santa/home almost every weekend, and the whole white sands excursion. and birthdays, birthdays, breakdown # who knows what on the night of my birthday. and then i cut again 9 days before my six month mark, and the day after i decided to transfer to unm. how... horrible.

i was so happy on the last drive on that day in december. i felt fine for a while. and then parties, get togethers, work, non-fights, and new year's eve.

and now... it's the same. i failed to go to work today for fear that i might hurt myself (which started last night), so instead i attempted to sleep for more than 4 hours and cleaned my room. there's almost nothing visible in it now.

i need this weekend, and i need it to be good, because then it's back to school, and starting all over again... having to manage my time between class and homework and finally getting a life, finding a psychiatrist, finding a doctor, finding a yoga class, finding my old best friends again...

finding myself...

so help me jesus

ah yes, and the song that is a song. and now i have the whole toadies album on my mac. which i'm typing on now. ah, if people only knew.

happy pagan sun god feast day turned "jesus' birthday" by constantine so he could keep both gods! but that's a different story. i'm not into that sort of stuff anymore, but jesus was one cool kid. word to outcasts of society.

but anyway.

no one posts anymore! and yes i'm more than guilty of this, i blame long hours at work not being able to do anything but look at cnn on the net (when i'm on the net). that and the usual weirdess that is/has been me. but hey, more extreme ups than downs lately, which should be good...

the reason i'm posting is to exclaim the awesomeness of programmers yet again. i mean, what other geeks can do something like this... i mean i think that's just awesome. picture compliments of ernie, the local blogosphere webdev that i check out.

anyway. again.

sent my powerbook off to get fixed on wednesday of last week, got it back at 11am that friday, fixed. holy crap batman, apple even rocks when they're sending packages! and the best part is i don't have to spend money on it, since it was a non-recall recall. i have to check my battery's serial number again to see if i actually did get in on that other recall. but it's all good, seeing as how i only had to use the windows pc for 2 days.

watching all of the blade movies in the last 2 days makes me want to fish out my unused vampire fangs (the good ones this time) and make ipod playlists. even though i don't have an ipod. hot vampires == goooood. which reminds me, i haven't done any programming in like four weeks. that's harsh. i still have 3 weeks of semester break, over which i must work, sign up for orientation/go to orientation, be creative and make some art, and torment people about getting piercings. so much to do, so little time to procrastinate. i have next week off though...

maybe i'll hang around here some more in the coming days. who knows with this one. see you people when i see you. and remember, don't piss off the flying elephants. by the time you hear the big fwooping sound of their wings, it's already too late.

old revelations haunting like ghosts

no big surprise here. home for five days and the same tiredness, same frustration, same aches and sleeplessness.

i can't get by like i used to... i don't really know who i am anymore, who i'll become, who i want to be. everything should work like it's supposed to. people should be helpful and friendly, people should care. and i don't care anymore. after being enthusiastic about everything imaginable, life, love, school, the future... i'm back at the beginning. everything seems so unreal except this is reality, this is how it's been for years and it's not going to change just because you need it to. clear everything out, throw it all away. why keep things on your walls and tables if they're just material crap that mean nothing. i guess they meant something for a brief second, but now everything is just not right again. all birthday presents laying on the floor untouched. i haven't taken pictures in months, and i don't know if i ever will again. you stop doing the things you love, one by one they slip away and you don't care if they go... things fade and you let them go because being enthusiastic has gotten you burned every single time. i don't even care if something's wrong. everything's wrong. nothing's wrong. nothing changes anyway.

when you're young and naive you want to change the world. you want to help people and become something. now you just want to survive doing what will hopefully make you happy.

there's so much that i know, so much information, just tucked away for those few times that someone is willing to listen. but everything is wasted when you're looking for ways to get out. i'm tired of being let down time after time after time, always. and i answer 567 questions just to be told exactly what i know, like it's supposed to be a revelation that will kick me out of this. it's just a waste of time and energy. that'll all be the same, and i could try time after time, but the outcome will be the same. i can help others, but i can't be helped. at least i don't see how anything can help. there's no trauma, no damage, just there, and how can i compete with anyone? the irrationality of rationality. things make sense, things don't make sense. i'm confused past the point figuring things out anymore. and now i live my life purposely giving myself and other people an out. if you work and get money, you can pay back your parents for the year that you've wasted. if you taper off talking to people, it'll be easier to disappear. encourage your significant other to hook up with other people so when you end it they can keep on living life like that was never a bump in the road. i know my motives are fucked up, but until people show me otherwise, this is the way my life will be. so who am i? honestly, i'm not sure. i don't know. i can't be here, but i can't be anywhere else. there's a countdown that's started, i don't know exactly when, or what exactly it's counting down to, but i'll know when i get there.

bored 2

do this before reading the below. maybe.

take my quiz and then check out the scoreboard!

yes i stole it. from brian and kyle. this shows you how extremely bored i was. and the questions are really really bad too. so, yeah.

ps. this is an attempt to see who actually reads this thing anymore. since, you know, comments are a thing of the past i guess.

bored

001) What time did you start this? 4:20pm
002) Name? kristin
003) Date of birth? 11/06/85
004) Sex? f
005) Height? 5'6", even though on my driver's license it says 5'10"
006) Eye color? dark brown
007) Weight? 135 i think... maybe 140... depends on if i gained any weight from my "i don't really want to eat more than a meal or two a day" binge a month or so ago
008) Location? las cruces, nm, for another 5 days
009) Where were you born? espanola, nm
012) Do you have crush on someone? sure
013) Do you have a bf/gf? amazingly yes
015) How long have you been together? honestly no idea
016) What are you wearing right now? blue/black striped tube top, black pants, and a jacket type thing (it's raining)
017) Would you have sex before marriage? isn't this pretty much a religion based question? yes
018) Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers? no, i can safely say i have not
019) Are you a virgin? no
020) Do you smoke? no
021) Do you drink? no, reasons being that 1) i'm sick enough as it is and 2) i like to stay in control of myself as much as possible
022) Are you ghetto? no
023) Are you a player? no...
024) What are your favorite colors? blue, black, and grey. in that order.
025) What is your favorite animal? kitty
026) Do you have any birthmarks? yes
027) Have you ever gotten your ass kicked? no. i was a scrappy fighter
028) Who are your best friends? 3 or 4 people. not quite sure as of late
029) Have you ever beat someone up? i think it's called self defense
031) Have you ever been slapped? a couple times
032) Do you get online a lot? just about every second that i'm not in class or eating
033) Are you shy or outgoing? shy. not so much shy anymore, more like tired... but i'm working on it
034) Do you shower? yeah
035) Do you hate school? actually, yes, i do
036) Do you have a social life? no. none at all. honestly.
037) How easily do you trust people? i've gotten a lot better on the whole trust thing, so a lot more than ever i'd say
038) Have you ever lied to your best friends? i don't think i have. of course i don't remember half of the things i tell people or half of the things i hear, so i don't really know
039) Do you have a secret people would be surprised knowing? i think i've pretty much outed all my secrets in the past year
040) Would you ever sky Dive? sure.
041) Do you like to dance? i actually do like to dance. when i'm awake...
068) Have you ever been out of state? like 3 times. wait this goes from 41 to 68? wtf?
069) Do you like to travel? depends on how you define "travel"
071) Have you ever been suspended from school? no i'm too much of a suck up
072) Do you want to get out of your hometown? not really. then again i don't really have a hometown
073) Are you a brat? no
074) Have you ever been dumped? not yet
076) What's your favorite drink? milk. then orange juice. coffee is good too.
077) Do you like Snapple? never had it
078) Do you drink a lot of water? nope. almost none. it's amazing i haven't been in the hospital for dehydration...
079) What toothpaste do you use? why does it matter...
080) Do you have a cell phone or pager? yes
081) Do you have a curfew? i think i have an informal curfew for work. but i've always broken any curfews i've had
082) Who do you look up to? people who love life
083) Are you a role model? i hope not
085) What name brand do you wear the most? victoria's secret. hey, it's the truth.
086) What kind of jewelry do you wear? earrings, bracelet, choker, anklet
087) What do you have pierced? 3 pair lobe piercings, 1 pair helix/cartilage piercings, used to have my vch but i lost it due to not checking the tightness of the jewelry. i have such a bad piercing itch right now though...
088) What do you want pierced? lip (left side/bottom), eyebrow, vch maybe, thinking about dermal punching for another pair of cartilage rings... but actually i want labret studs in them so cartilage... piercings... punches...
089) Do you like taking pictures? yes
0090) Do you like getting your picture taken? i do now. there are almost no pictures of me in the last 6 years. i want a good picture!
091) Do you have a tan? no. i'm not supposed to anyway
092) Do you get annoyed easily? depends on my mood
093) Have you ever started a rumor? only for the purpose of seeing how fast something can get around school (which turned out to be less than a day). let's play the mono game!
094) Do you have your own phone/phone line? cell phone. but i never talk on phones anyway
095) Do you have your own pool? no
096) Do you have any siblings? yes
097) Do you prefer boxers or briefs? boxers. or boxer-briefs.
098) Have you ever been played? i don't think it counts as "played" if you intend to be used
099) Have you ever played someone? no
100) Do you get along with your parents? for the most part yes
102) How do you vent your anger? i don't. apparently it's a huge problem. and they said something like i'm in denial about my anger... blah blah blah
103) Have you ever run away? amazingly no
104) Have you ever been fired from a job? nope
105) Do you even have a job? yes. i start work again in 9 days
106) Do you daydream a lot? if i'm not paying attention, i'm daydreaming
107) Do you have a lot of ex’s? no. no chance to have an ex
108) Do you run your mouth? no
109) What do you want a tattoo of? the heart mantra, "love" in sanscrit, i like stars but they're a bit overdone...
110) What do you have a tattoo of? nothing. apparently i have really bad timing.
111) What are your favorite flowers? cala lilies (black roses rock too...)
112) What does your ex bf/gf look like? n/a
113) What does your most recent crush look like? johnny depp.
116) Are you rude? no
117) What was the last compliment you received? something along the lines of i'm awesome... from bryan so yeah
118) Do you like getting dirty? no. not at all.
119) Is your bellybutton an innie or outie? outie
120) Are you flexible? i'm getting there. i'm gonna take yoga next semester
121) What is your heritage? 3/4 spanish, 1/4 german
123) What does your hair look like right now? long, straight, the same it's been for roughly 6 years
124) Could you ever be a vegetarian? no. never.
125) When was your last real heartbreak? not quite sure...
126) Describe your looks? plain jane. who likes black.
127) If you had to completely dye your hair it'd be what color? completely: red or black. partially: blue or red in the front
128) Would you ever date someone younger than you? sure
129) Would you ever date someone older than you? sure
130) When was the last time you were drunk? never. and i intend to keep it that way
131) When was the last time you went on a date? last friday?
132) Would you rather give or receive oral sex? receive, of course
133) Have you ever given? yeah
134) Have you ever received? yeah
135) Have you ever had an eating disorder? i think i stopped it before my eating behavior became more than questionable.
136) Do you have one now? nope
137) How many rings until you answer the phone? if i'm going to answer the phone: 2
138) Have you ever been skinny dipping? i don't really remember
140) Do you look more like your mother or father? neither. but i do look like my cousin
141) Do you cry a lot? yes
142) Do you ever cry to get your way? never
143) If you had to amputate one limb, what would it be? none. oh, left pinky toe. but i think that's a digit and not a limb...
144) What phrase do you use most on the phone? uh-huh...
145) Are you the romantic type? yes...
146) Have you ever been chased by cops? no. i value the fact that i'm not an idiot
147) What do you like most about your body? most? nothing really
148) What do you like least about your body? shaving. honestly, i hate it.
150) When was the last time you threw up? i can't remember
151) In the opposite sex, do you prefer blondes or brunettes? red heads of course. then brunettes.
152) What do the shoes you last wore look like? grey new balance
153) Do you ever wear shirts to show your belly? no. all belly showing is completely unintentional.
154) What about cleavage? actually i have a shirt that i wear specifically because it gives me cleavage.
155) Is your best friend a virgin? ha, ha ha ha. i don't think any of us have any morals about that kind of thing.
156) Have you ever fucked someone up? in what context...
157) Have you ever been fucked up? i want to say yes but in what context...
158) What color are your underwear right now? grey. (c'mon. there was a 1 in 3 chance you would've guessed it anyway. am i right?)
159) What theme does your room have? none.
160) What size shoe do you wear? 10ish
161) What jewelry are you wearing now? earrings
162) What is your screen name on AIM? pyro1065
163) Would you pick a wedgie in public? aren't girls used to that sort of thing wearing thongs...
164) How are you feeling right now? tired. and sick. i'm still coughing. but my throat almost doesn't hurt at all anymore!
165) When was the last time you were at a party? does august count?
166) Have you ever given a lap dance? i think i might have. can't remember...
167) What do you sleep in? pajamas (spaghetti strap top and shorts)
168) Has there ever been a rumor spread about you? considering everyone still thinks i'm a lesbian...
169) What is one of your bad qualities? depression
170) What is one of your good qualities? good listener
171) Would you marry for money? depends on how low i am at the time
172) What do you drive? honda civic (standard)
173) Are you more of a mama or daddy's child? neither... i'm kind of an anomaly...
174) When was the last time you cried in school? you know, i totally made it through 13 years of school just to be conned out of a good cry at senior retreat. damn them for getting me on one of my overly sad days.
175) Do you wear Chucks? no
176) For two million dollars, would you pose for Playboy? of course
177) What time are you finishing this? 5:12 pm

fall into winter

leaves all over the ground. bright green. yellow. red. piles and piles and you wade through them as you go to class. big fluffy pillows, and if it wasn't so cold you'd want to lay in them and imagine a time when things were innocent, the laughter was pure, and every day was exciting. watching the moon out from behind grey clouds while driving back to a place that seems so unfamiliar. getting lost in the stars and the perfect shades of grey, the light off the moon and remembering how you look in that moonlight. feeling good and alive and even police officers with too much time on their hands won't get you down. singing at the top of your lungs because you can, words that are so chilling yet so perfect at the same time. crying every night again, but it's back to a release instead of just something that will prolong that feeling of nothingness, the darkness and the cold, hunger and confusion. maybe it's gone on holiday.

and so many babies! little buddha and beautiful girl, just right where they're supposed to be. one with so much energy and already such personality, the other still feeling out the world, but making everyone else smile anyway. and then another one come yesterday. so small and so fragile, she couldn't wait to see the world. but she's got something that tells me she'll stick around. and she gets to be in an incubator like me, except i came right on time. the babies! i fear babies and all that they hold. a new life in the world, a thing that at times seems so beyond my grasp. and what if i hurt it? there's so much that comes into play when you're responsible for the creation of a person. i fear them. but they are beautiful little creatures... especially when they smile.

and more rushing and doing unwanted things. sometimes it turns out well, other times not so well. a feeling of wanting to be safe totally corrupted by the knowledge of danger. knowing i need to be safe, safe from myself, and finding it in the arms of a love. falling asleep knowing with absolute certainty that i am loved, and knowing that one day i will be better. and try to carry that through.

times are different, and yet so much the same. i don't know people anymore, although i think others know me better now, if at all. we all have so much, so much, and i take it all for granted. every single piece of it. if you really think of what you have, what life is, every little thing. cold milk. clouds. turning fall leaves. falling leaves. water. hugs. smiles. understanding. fire. that feeling after focusing completely on your form in martial arts. that little flutter in your stomach when someone says "i love you".

there's so much to look forward to. so much. i don't know why i can't always see that, or why i sometimes want to get away from it. but things happen. optimistic? not exactly. just... ok.