can't think right now

i found my first white hair today.

finally getting use out of my curved barbell i found again last month. in other words, i can't cross my legs for another few days.

my head is going to asplode.

unreal

sometimes i think that i've fallen off the face of the earth.

back to the old way of writing, meaning that there is no writing. there hasn't been any writing for over a year now, a year proper, and days like this make me think that it will never come back again. going through these cycles, just like everything else in my life nowadays, writing about how i can't write, or writing about how low i am at the moment. and so what if neither is true?

i've always reported that i hate being this thing that no one wants to touch, and yet when i'm just ok, not good not great not fantastic, just kind of slowly walking through life being just ok, it's like a whole new sort of death. nothing desirable, nothing that gets away from anything or solves any problems, just being stuck in the same mindset and same body for days and months on end.

and i hate this even more than i hate my uterus.

but as much as there was once a time for me, that time has long passed. now instead of wondering how i will get through the day, the week, the month, i fear for everyone else's mortality, their sanity. teenagers with cancer and family in jail and death and surgeries and best friends breaking, flirting with ana and feeling what i've seen before, no one should be able to understand me, on any level. having a feeling that once you leave a room something very bad will happen, and not to you. and i wished so badly that i could have taken it all from you, taken your pain and your confusion and everything that was hurting you, kept it in me because i was the one that was tired, and it wasn't supposed to happen that once i get happy you have black days of your own. and i could see, i could feel, all of a sudden your aura was different, and it scared me that i couldn't be there to assure you of anything except the fact that i still loved you, and i would always love you, and just as i had done before every time i thought of you i sent you all of my love, hoped that it mingled in with the other one's love and kept you secure, let your mind rest for a while. but then what do i do now? love is something that will never go away, no matter the situation, no matter the consequences, it will still be there. where are the people? i don't want you to starve yourself to death because america has a fucked up view on body image. i don't want you to feel as uncertain or scared as i ever have, to the point where just seeing people is hard to do. i want you to be happy, be loved, and live your lives on your own terms. i want you to have the best emotional and physical relationships as possible. i want you to always feel loved (because you are, and always will be), as well as love others. to know that wherever you are, someone is always thinking about you.

i want you to see yourselves as the beautiful, wonderful people that i see you as.

i wish i could show your your auras, and how much they've changed over the last few months.

i wish so much for you, but right now all i can do is say i love you again, and hope that you will remember that when you need to.
. .

days go by and sometimes all i want to do is lay there and hold you while you sleep, somehow convince you of everything i've ever said. maybe things would be easier that way, if you could understand. and i want to talk to you about everything in the world, and how fucked up everything was when this started, and how i regret using you, misleading you about who i was. and i will admit that you've probably saved my life twice over, but i won't lay my soul and my being in your hands if you can't do the same with me. i cannot remember life being different than i have been in the last few years, and now i wonder if i haven't been this way my entire life. but... i can't feel your life. i can't feel your aura. and as much as that's a bunch of spiritual shit to you, it means a great deal to me. and you worry me. sometimes i look at you and you're not there. and there's something beneath that, something that i won't ever be able to touch because you won't let me. and i'm ok with that. i'm ok that i won't ever be able to see the storms and the leaves, the tears and the oceans, blood red and dark blue. i'm ok that the only sunbursts i will ever see from you will be your eyes. i will love you despite your lack of color and scent, lack of defining energy cloud. i will love you in every present, every moment that ever was or ever will be. i will love you past this life, into the time and space beyond which you say doesn't exist. i will love you, but i don't think i will ever be able to find you. and if you won't let me in, if you will let me go on searching a forever to find you, i'll have to let go. you'll have to let go. but i'll always love you.

i never got to sway with you in the perfect light.

it's all i ever wanted.