a walk to remember

so yeah, i think i've mentioned that i really love chick flicks. and this is definitely one good chick flick. and it doesn't hurt that shane west is extremely hot. so yeah.

it's almost friday! i have been thinking it was friday the whole day, and then when i got home i thought it was wednesday, and looked at my watch and saw that it was indeed thursday... so now i can't really figure out where one or two days went... actually i think i'm missing a whole span of five days or something... weird.

i was getting thrashed the whole day today. by everyone. i felt like i had to get into that fetal position with my hands behind my head (you know like tuck and roll), the shaking caught me so offguard. i really don't like it that much, well not at all actually. maybe once in a while i will tolerate it (like the whole licking thing... and i was so sure it was over...), but not for as much as today.

but then again maybe i need a good thrashing once and a while to shake me out of the moods i get in.

wow i am definitely gonna start working on that dictionary thought. i just realized half the things i write in here almost no one can understand. my mind works in extremely odd ways...

must leave. got homework.

when the drugs wear off

see i love the perks of being in the street team. there's a new article in rag magazine about flickerstick. just follow the links to get there. there were a couple of points in that article that got me on edge... one being that they mentioned flickerstick getting signed with epic, but they didn't bother to mention that they dropped epic and are on their own again (well not exactly alone, they still have 226 and now WAR?). so yeah.

why all the links? i'm procrasinating, of course. english paper. halfway done actually. i was quite proud of myself. so i figure what's 45 mintutes on the net? nothing.

i don't know what's gonna happen with the play. we have the plan to switch characters, but i don't know if i want to anymore. i don't know if i want to even be in this play anymore. but as always it doesn't matter what i want, i committed so i have to follow through, even if i am miserable.

i was in such a horrible mood this afternoon. i'm thinkin of staying home tomorrow, seeing as how i felt like crap the whole day.

more to come... when i actually have some time.

mmmpie

i can't believe i've never put an official link up here. you know. an official link to weebl and bob.

just when i thought it was gone

i've been surfing blogs for a while now, but i suppose i'll post now.

today was spent reading about colleges. i got this really great magazine (from taking psat's), focused on science and engineering schools. it's great. so far i've found like 3 potentials from reading. granted they could still be extremely bad for me (given location and such), but hey, it's a big start from what i've been avoiding. and now i'm not making sense. damn sentences.

i know i'm not going to make sense in this post. my brain can't make sentences right now. seriously. so bear with me.

so here's the push: computer science, physics, psychology, among the other throw-arounds as bio-tech and engineering types. yes, i have finally found the select few with names that i like. and oddly i didn't freak out while thinking about the future either. i think it made me hate high school even more actually.

i know i can get the money. screw that my brother is already making my parents get a 20K loan every year for his college. fuck him. i'm a hispanic woman who wants to go into the sciences. fuck if they don't just hand out scholarships for said areas of interest. i know they do. so money, not the problem.

going where no one knows me and i don't know a damn person: good, for same reasons i liked the idea of going to st. mike's (but we all know how that one turned out... maybe that's not such a good plan). bad, because it's me that we're talking about. i do about as good with new situations and people as i do with being in a room full of people. which is not good and makes me want to practice self-mutilation. or drive off a cliff. but being as how i haven't gotten laid yet, i'll chill on the suicide thoughts.

academics: i'm one lazy ass person. seriously. but apparently i'm also a pretty smart person. so mentally i could probably do it, it's just that i'd have to get off my lazy ass and actually go to class. which is a whole nother thing. ah, new word. they just keep flyin out my head.

another on academics: right now i'm screwed. i'm taking one honors class, and damn if it isn't the thing i hate the most: english. english ap is crap, given that i should really be taking biology with ficke and trig/pre-calc honors with erps. not to mention that i must take physics next year (which i'm looking forward to), and then any other sciences that my crap school offers. i should be taking 4 to 5 honors classes this year, and 4 to 5 honors classes next year. but no. i opted out of honors math because i hate the way erps teaches. i opted out of spanish 5 because i wanted an elective. i opted out of bio because "i'm not going to do anything in biology...". and next year i'm taking one honors class. physics. i'm getting out of engish because english is crap and i don't want big t. i won't be in calc ap 'cause i wasn't in honors this year (there is an honors calc but i don't count it as honors. it's a crap class too like loser trig is now. even though i like loser trig.) i won't take bio next year because i know what she's putting her students through now, and i am not putting up with that crap just to get a C to B average in the class and because "i'm not going to do anything in biology...". not to mention it's a freaking COLLEGE COURSE that they're getting completely SCREWED on because the teacher is a stupid power-hungry slut. fuck that. i'm not taking spanish 4 next year (yes one year everything after spanish 3 is spanish 4, the next it's spanish 5) because i dislike the teacher and i'd much rather've taken spanish 5 which is all grammar.

so academically, i'm pretty screwed. the only thing that can save me are my act/sat scores. which i must do tomorrow: register.

also, extra-curricular wise, i'm screwed. i'm only in drama. i've only ever wanted to be in drama. i'd still be playing my 3 sports if coaches weren't such power hungry assholes. so drama is it. and national honor society but that's a crap club (although it still looks good on an application...). OH and spanish honor society. i forgot i was in that. but that doesn't help either. no, i'm supposed to be this good-will peddler, going to nursing homes and homeless shelters and mentoring children and cleaning up my city and leading a youth support group and trying to find a way to "change the world". FUCK THAT. i dislike being around children and old people, and any people for that matter. i would be trying to help my community, but this is new mexico. this is crappy new mexico, top in poverty and top in drug use and top in dwi charges and top in every crappy thing you can think up. when the government and the people get their heads out of their collective asses, then i'll give a fuck about what happens in new mexico. but the state now is: poverty breeds poverty. abuse breeds abuse. dumbfucks breed more powerful dumbfucks, who in turn control all the poverty-stricken abusive people. you think it'd be the other way around, but it isn't. this is a fucking crappy state, and people are fine with it being a perfectly crappy state (there's a whole hispanic mind-set to this argument that i won't get into on the net, because i really don't want to get into a flame fight with some dumbasses who don't even know what the fuck they're talking about).

fuck i didn't intend to get this pissed off when i got on here.

so the out: i'm thinking about the future, even though it still scares the crap out of me. in almost every other aspect (except for me being a hispanic woman who will most likely go into science) i'm screwed.

what got me into this extremely terrible mindset: the "depression" is temporarily hibernating, and frankly i'd rather be the emotional mess i was than how i am now. i felt awkward in crowds before. now i can't stand to be in the presence of more than 3 or 4 people at a time. there's always too many people. too much noise. too much... motion. just too many people. it really gets me on edge and then throws me into complete self-destruct mode. the thing that would usually lead to anxiety attack complete with the hyperventilating and tapping and not wanting to be touched, moved, or talked to, along with wanting to be completely alone (physically alone. one person in a dark room alone). now i still feel the same way, i've just learned to suppress all the physically visible symptoms. oh yeah and now in addition to my freak out, i get extremely pissed. really, extremely pissed. that said, being in a casino, with all the lights and incessant noises, along with my grandmother (which is a different post. remind me and maybe i'll get there sometime), well, as i mentioned before, self-mutilation sounded extremely wonderful.

something to think on: what if i just disappeared. seriously. i'm intrigued by this thought. what the fuck would happen to the underlying structure of the universe if i just disappeared. again, you don't understand me when i say the underlying structure of the universe. in simple terms: people. what would people do, how would they feel, how would their lives change, if i just up and disappeared.

can't... stop... laughing...

my chest hurts from laughing so damn much. i'm still laughing. i'm laughing as i'm writing this. aaaahhhh ok ok i'm good now... if you want an extremely good laugh go here. go there. i don't think it'll make you laugh as much as i did... maybe you won't find it funny at all...

holy shit that was intense. laughter is good for you, physically and emotionally. and now i feel so much better than i did five minutes ago. ah. i should find a post like that more often. it all started when i was surfing blogs. start at blogger, click on one of the "recently updated" blogs, look at it, look at it's links to other blogs, pick one, do the same for that blog, and so on and so forth. well, i was looking at... zanyblog and it had a link to tequila mockingbird. i thought "hey that kicks" since there's this band... that you might have heard of while living in northern new mexico... called "tequila mockingbird". so yeah. that's how i find my blogs that i read, and also a little bit of humor sometimes too.

so today was pretty much an all around bad day. good thing: david ditched so we got an extension on our history project. but i was extremely tired the whole day, and had it not been that my mother drove and was subbing, i would've gotten in my car and gone home. but alas, that was not the case. i was in a mental haze the whole day, clearly out of it (which isn't that much different than how i act usually). people were bitching about the cast list. matt was pissed that he didn't get cast. i was pissed that he didn't get cast. kyle was tiffed 'cause he didn't get mr. frank. also, that i didn't get mrs. frank (bah to clarify: we're doing diary of anne frank, alex is anne, steph is margot, david is mr. frank, jess is mrs. frank, scar is peter, kyle is mr. van dam, i'm mrs. van dam, peter is dussel, marj is miep, and mark is kraler. and sorry if i misspelled but i'm trying to finish this up quick). SO. mainly conflict was due to people being good at certain parts. and frankly i agree with him totally. i see him better as mr. frank, and personally i think it's gonna be damn hard for me to pull of mrs. van dam. jess can do pretty much anything, she's thespian-amazing like that, and david... well that's a different story that i won't get into. but the cast has been... cast? i'll do pretty much any female part. i won't do it as well as others, but i'll do it. so we're not gonna worry about it or try to change it. plus it's supposed to be a "challenge" for us as actors in this play. well the way she cast, i can totally see that.

and now i lost track of what i was talking about.

ah well. so i was thinking i wasn't going to have any homework this weekend. it was going to be a glorious weekend. and then she gives us a freaking english paper. ah the stupidity never ends in that class.

i'm hungry. i'm off to eat.

my EYES

what is up with people's eyes today??? just a random thought.

sooo...

guess where i am? i'm at school. in computer class. wow.

remind me never to post when i'm in school. my brain just doesn't work right.

ok i'm trying to think now. yesterday was drama auditions, and now everybody's constantly asking me who got what part. for the last time I DON'T KNOW! so lay off it ok?

i think that i might actually be free this weekend. no homework. almost at all.

ok i should never blog at school. i sound like a dumbass.

see ya

pain killers sound good right now

so first thing's first: go over to zander's and help him with his history project. it's just a little poll people, just two clicks of a mouse and that's it. come on. we all know how much school sucks. especially history (well i don't know about you but history is right up there with english for me). so help a fellow private-school-attending person out, ok? ok.

so i got the wilson off today (the wire on your braces that you have to wear a rubber band with), and it feels so much better. not as great as when i got the expander (rme for all you people who are into ortho-jargon) off, but nice just the same. and they put a thicker wire on top, which means i'm gonna be in serious pain for the next week. but that's ok... because i only have 10 months to go! well, hopefully only ten months. they always seem really surprised though when i go in for my appts., which scares me a little... but also makes me really happy because i will have nice pretty teeth!

oh oh let me rant. i don't have any homework tonight (a shocker) so i can go off here... so when i was in second grade, i went in to the dentist for a regular checkup and all. they took x-rays of my teeth, which they sometimes do, and low and behold, they found that i had an extra tooth growing right in the middle of my 2 front teeth. yeah i know weird (no the really weird thing is that my cousin had that extra tooth too...). so anyway this extra tooth that was growing in the middle of the other 2 was pushing my right front tooth a lot. think 90 degrees from the nice straight way teeth are supposed to be. so they took out the extra tooth (in the process taking out my 2 front teeth, man am i glad my friends weren't as cruel to me then as they were later on), and that was that. well my left-front tooth grew in fine, but my right one had that whole 90 degree thing going on. so they said "hey just push your tooth with your tongue as it's coming in, and it'll turn." so that's what i did, and it did turn. by the time it was fully, um, "grown in" (hey i know what i'm talking about), it had gone from 90 degrees to around 45. still pretty bad, but not as bad as before. and that was like 2nd to 3rd grade. fun. i just got braces on november 2001, and shit if i haven't done everything that the ortho people have told me. if we're spending $2000+ on braces, well hell i'm not going to fuck them up in any way.

long story a bit longer, my teeth are insanely straighter than before. hmmm... insanely... yeah i can get how i hate structured english so much.

bah ha, that's all. i think. so yeah. drop by zander's if you haven't already.

telling all the world

so i was just over at flickerstick's site and checked it all out. i haven't been able to check it out for a while, given my whole no-computer fiasco and the fact that i just downloaded flash on this computer today. good news: it's their site, and not epic's! more good news: they have a "journal" that cory sometimes updates! even more good news: it's flash, and the graphics don't suck! ok enough of that.

so i finally got my pictures developed over at walgreens... needless to say i'm pissed. the pictures look like crap. the pictures i had of my guys in the play looked bad because of the stupid flash, and the fact that i was totally frazzled (due to car accident and having to ride home in a tow truck with a stranger) and took shitty pictures of everything else. i think i have one decent picture of me, one of alex, one of peter, and an almost really great one of kyle (almost great because it cut off 1/4 of the picture). so maybe i'll update the drama pics at the site. the site which celebrated its one year anniversary on dec. 27th. wow i totally forgot that. or did i blog about it then and now i don't remember? ah well.

so the yoga thing is on its way. that and now i'm going to be taking pictures on my camera (or my dad's if he'll let me), and i'm going to be taking a lot of them. or at least i plan to.

so i asked my dad today "hey dad, am i supposed to be applying for a job now?" and yes, i am, but not at lanl. apparently all i'd be doing if i got hired is being a gofer (hey that's how i spell it), since you really can't do anything over there until you're 18. so bummer. but then i said "so, do i even have to get a job this summer??" i don't know. i offered the idea that i could tutor some poor unsuspecting child over summer, or something of the sort. then there's always that jewelry making thing, and the bracelets, and hey who knows i might even learn some more html with this computer class i'm taking, so i could always do something like that...

so if you want to be an extra in ron howard's movie that he's filming here in new mexico, you're supposed to go to the radisson on saturday (head shots in hand). i mentioned to my mom that hey, i could go put my name in to be an extra, to which she promptly replied "they start shooting in march. you're still in school." damn, school always seems to get in the way of fame. oh well. so since i can't do it, i'm letting you guys know. and my mom says they're looking for girls 16-18(?) who can ride horses. oh yeah, it's a western. like they would think to film anything but a western in new mexico.

i got my computer science homework done, and i've almost finished all my notes for english... not that it matters since i already got a 15% on them. now all that's left is to finish notes and make the mask. bah for english.

i really needed this weekend.

too many PEOPLE

so i know i haven't posted. that's because i am quite sure i have nothing of importance to say. nothing interesting, nothing mind-blowing, just random crap that flies through my head all day that i don't really want to write down, 'cause frankly it is crap.

my only weirdness that scared me this week is that i was a little more claustrophobic than usual. too many people... everywhere and there was too much noise everywhere. pretty much the kind of thing that usually throws me into a major anxiety attack. i don't know if i'm just getting better at controlling my not freaking out when this happens to me or if something else is happening. ah well.

got some major homework this weekend, so this will probably be the first and last post for a while. unless i get a revelation sometime.

think i might do some yoga...

modnar

ok i know i do this way too much but:

Your name of Kristin has given you an idealistic nature with a desire to help others. Your initiative often causes you to be the first to act when you see a need. Since you are impressionable and receptive, you feel the misfortunes of others very keenly. However, this name makes it awkward for you to express your deeper thoughts and feelings with finesse and diplomacy to the extent that your candid, sometimes blunt, manner of speaking creates misunderstandings with others. Being somewhat self-centred, you learn through your own experiences, as you rarely take advice from others. Yet, you are sensitive and very easily hurt and offended. You long for praise and appreciation for your efforts, but others find it difficult to understand you. You dislike monotony and system and enjoy being creative in an inventive way whether it be in interior decorating, music, art, crafts, or other endeavours that require versatility and skill. You are imaginative and visionary, somewhat of a perfectionist, yet the results of your efforts often fall short of your high expectations. A leadership position appeals to you because you would enjoy directing others rather than being directed. Your feelings are strong and you tend to react intensely to situations. Because of your sensitive nervous system, over-stress and extreme tiredness could cause nervous disorders, seizures, fainting, or dizziness. You could also experience head tension such as headaches, weak eyes, or throat problems.

haHA. i got a 15. take THAT!

so... what to say what to say. i don't think i have any real homework, except for actually taking notes in my notebook. she collected them today and everybody got raped. well everybody except maybe 2 people. so tonight's problem: do i finish notes just in case she collects them again tomorrow? or do i not do them and hope that she doesn't? one grade of 15% is bad enough... i don't need two of them. i mean if i knew what the hell we were doing for the quarter and knew that i had more grades to bring this one up with, i wouldn't ever bother. but sadly i saw that my cumulative gpa has dropped yet again, seeing how last year i had 3 honors classes and now i have 1.

and now it seems i'm complaining because i can't get a 4.5 like i did last year, instead i have to settle for a 4.0. unbelievable.

today started out bad yet again, but... i don't know... i snapped out of it by lunch. the whole notebook thing didn't even piss me off a little. it was odd... but so is the phrase "you HAVE to come smell her hair!"

i have to finish registering for ACTs tonight. so i'll be back on later.

and, not to steal from alex, but her whole letters to (or from?) the editor is a pretty good idea. the only thing to reinforce me doing it is the knowledge that only 3 people read my blog.

OH yeah. that other thing. i cried yesterday when i watched sweet november. now, i don't know if that counts as real crying... i don't think so because the emotion was brought out by a movie, and not from myself. so that said, that was the first time i cried in a month i think. wow. that was really something.

why?

i'm a pissed off, tired, and moody little bitch right now. so i know that anything written today will be complete complaining shit.

i don't want to do this anymore. i start out having a pretty good day, and then those damn adults open their mouths and bring me down. blah blah blah, i'm god, blah blah, you're all shit, blah blah blah is ALL they seem to be saying. i've had to put up with this shit for too many years, and i can't do it anymore. wait, scratch that, i probably can keep putting up with it. i just don't want to. right now i don't really give a fuck about my future. seriously i can't even see myself alive in 2 years (which does scare me a little).

i'm too fucking pissed off at myself to even address the issue. this same stupid issue i've been pissed about for the past 2 months or so. so this too must end. every freaking thing i do has to stop. i'm fucking killing myself and not even meaning to do it.

whatever. i'm a lazy bitch who takes everything for granted.

i was going to post something substantial today, but it's not gonna happen. not until i get out of this... person that i've become.

fuck this i can't believe i still blog even though no one fucking cares about this. maybe i'll phoenix it all.

mad love

so i realized that i haven't really blogged in the past few days. so... yeah. i was exhausted on friday, almost falling asleep while driving again (not a good thing to do), and then we went to tomasita's for dinner. i wasn't really up on it, mainly because i was extremely tired and i don't really like new mexican food. yeah i know i live here and i don't like the food. go figure. but chilling in the vicinity of randy travis is always nice.

i slept pretty heavily that night, and off and on throughout saturday. needless to say i got absolutely nothing done. sunday i got up, got on the net (went to church saturday night), and spent about 2 hours surfing and trying to register for ACTs. which by the way i need to finish. got off, worked on english homework, went to burque with my parents to take satan to the airport, came home, ate, slept.

OH stupid me i forgot the one thing i did do on saturday. so now i have this habit of waking up on weekends and turning on HBO. so i woke up, turned on the tv, and watched the only good drew barrymore movie: mad love. watching that sorta got me into a weird mood though. but it was great.

all said, all done. i have homework but i refuse to do anything today, being that i almost went blind driving home (wear glasses instead of contacts, can't wear sunglasses, eyes burn, highway terror ensues) and my knee still hurts. but some nice legal drugs will fix that problem.

oh wait, i do have to do homework. damn.

do you like putting things in boxes?

i just was over at act.org trying to register. i was there for what, 45 minutes and i still wasn't finished registering. stupid thing. but bah. i have 72 hours to go finish registering.

so i'm gonna register for the SATs for april 5th and the ACTs for april 12. so i'll finally have that over and done with.

now i really really really have to get off and do homework before we leave to burque to take satan to the airport.

be by me, be with me

be by me, be with me. be by me, be with me. no one was ever by me. no one was ever with me. i did it all by myself. all alone. i struggled and fought with the demons in my head, and emerged a shell of a person. now i’m no one. i’m a broken person. i’m trying to put the pieces back together. but i can’t do it alone. i’ve tried and failed, over again. i can’t do it anymore. i’m not worth it. i’m not worth this. my soul is dead. i try to resurrect it, but i’m still left here, afraid and alone, a stupid little girl. i’ll never learn. i’ll never get out of it. i’ll never bring my soul back. it died while i was searching. i was stupid to think i could find it. a naïve broken girl, who didn’t realize it until it was too late. it’s always too late to save the soul. it’s always too late to save the person. i was dead before i even started to deny that i wasn’t ok. the moment i gave up, the moment i gave in to this supposed “happiness”, my soul died. i’ve never been the same. i’ll never be the same.

be by me, be with me. but no one even knew me. no one cared. but they knew me better then than they do now. they don’t know me, even though they say they care. i don’t feel anything. i’m not worth it. i’m not worthy of their care and friendship. i’m not worthy of this life. i’m given everything i could possibly need, but i threw it all away. i lost sight of the truth, and killed my soul.

i can’t stand it. i can’t stand to look at them. their eyes shine with life, with realness. their souls are alive, their eyes are on fire. i can’t look into a living soul while i know that mine is dead. it hurts me inside, it makes me face the reality that i’m never going to be alive again. i’m never going to be alive again.

it’ll never happen. it’s never gonna come around. i’m not worth it. i’ve never been worth it. why did i think that i could ever change. why did i ever think that i could just change my state of mind and everything would be fine. nothing was ever fine.

i might as well give up while i still have some sense left. my soul is dead, my life is over. so why don’t i do what i want with this shell of a person that i’m left with. break the world. break the rules. the phoenix comes at the end of the world.

get it faster

i am so tired right now. it feels like a giant sat on my entire body and now my head is going to explode. i feel horrible, but not sick horrible, and not depressed horrible. just extremely tired and slightly pissed horrible.

horrible horrible horrible.

fuck my rules. i can break them when i want. i haven't yet made a rule that says i can't break my rules.

hmm... maybe i should right my rules down somewhere and update them.

later, right now i need to go sleep.

spendiferous

today was a frappy day (freaking+crappy=frappy). i think the only thing i really remember is that i said i was going to start making up a bunch more words and using them often. let's see, i already have ahok, spendiferous, paula's spififferendiferous, and i think that's it. that and all those words that i just add endings onto to make sense... if that makes sense.

again, weird day. i don't know what the freak happened to me. maybe it was because i was so damn tired all day. as i am now.

i really don't want to do that stupid english homework. which wouldn't matter except that i'm only 1 person in a group of 3. not that daivd and kyle are going to actually do it (well kyle might do it, being that i think he actually cares about his english grade).

it actually rained at my house! it's so amazing. i like the darkness the rain clouds spread across the earth. woah now i can't even form sentences. i'm going to go and sleep now... or do that survey thing on zander's blog.

psych

you know i was just thinking that if i get other blogs i could call one "hypochondria" and one "paranoia", to keep with the theme, like pyromania. that and it's actually relevant to stuff i talk and think about. wow. enough thinking for today.

so i'm quite tired right now. going back to school is a bitch. i'm really surprised that i didn't get any homework today (or maybe i did and i just don't remember...). i think psych might actually be a good class. i mean i know that psychology is one option for things i can study in college, and that was the reason i signed up for the class, but i was always a little... nervous? pissed? about the teacher (not my favorite). but since it has been 3 and a half years since i had her last, who knows, things might be different.

my computer science class seems... tricky. like he's one of those guys that looks all chill, but really he's an asshole just waiting for you to cross him. i don't know maybe it was just my paranoia there. but anyway looks like we won't get to html till like the end of 4th quarter. which sucks. apparently we have to learn about the "theories of computing" and stuff like that before. ah that's ok though. as long as we don't sit on our asses for hours on end.

bah i'm tired. i finally took some drugs this morning for my headache that i had since sunday. apparently they worked, because the pain left and i could actually think. amazing.

things are weird. not the same weird... different weird. starting-school-for-the-first-time-but-not-really weird. bah but i have a feeling that afternoon classes are going to suck so much more this semester. even if daivd is in my history class now.

maybe that's what i can do... something in computer/web stuff and psych, and physics (weirdly physics keeps rising to the top of the list... it's very odd... and cool at the same time).

oh well. back to the routine. and yet... it's different...

now i remember why i surf the web

now this is definitely something i can get with:

1) I don't care what you believe. Embrace whatever blows your dress up. But don't rub my face in YOUR beliefs if I disagree with them. Always ask yourself this question: Who died and made ME Pope?

2) I don't give a dead rat's ass about your religion, your race, your sexual preference or your dietary habits. Please grant me the same grace about mine.

3) Don't EVER attempt to legislate morality. It won't work, because most people are immoral by nature. Gambling, drinking and prostitution will ALWAYS be around because people like to gamble, get drunk and fuck. You can pass ten gazillion laws against vice, but people will continue to gamble, get drunk and fuck. That's because THEY ARE PEOPLE, and YOU are a puritan asshole from another planet if you believe that you can stop it.

4) Leave me alone and I'll leave you alone. That way, the water is calm and all is right with the world. If you insist on shattering my sphere of serenity and FUCKING WITH ME over your whiny little ideas of how I should live MY life to suit YOU, you may either shut up and kiss my Cracker ass, or be prepared doctor your own goddam Louisville Slugger-induced hematomas and sucking gunshot wounds to the chest. Butthead.

5) My money belongs to ME, not the homeless, not the downtrodden, not the needy, not the IRS and damn surely not YOU. It's MY fucking money. You want money? Go earn your own.

i think that might be a site that i'll visit often: Gut Rumbles.

maybe it's me. maybe it's that my head still hurts and my hypochondriac self is thinking "maybe there's a tumor in my head". maybe it's that i feel like shit for yet another day. fuck this is getting old.

my head hurts

mmm i liked that 2hour nap. my head still feels like it's asleep though. bah.

i think my ma wants me to go into santa and get her a calendar... so yeah that's where i'll be. i have my cell phone back so if you have the number then you can call me. if you don't, too bad. it's not like i'm going to post it here in my blog. i'm not that insane.

catch you later.

just great.

so i get up at 6am, get ready, and go to school. i arrive at school at 7:45am, and look, there's a backup of cars and the student parking lot isn't open. hmm seems suspicious. i drive up to a teacher standing in the road... "um, so what's up today??" "the school was vandalized overnight. no classes today."

great. just. fucking. great.

and with this free day comes a whole bunch of shit that will no doubt screw all of us over tenfold. but who knows... maybe the principal will quit now...

my head hurts. goodbye.

last day...

so today is the last day of christmas break. tomorrow at this time i will be sitting in english wishing i could make the teacher quit. but that's tomorrow, a world away.

this break has been... weird. i don't know, nothing drastic happened, no major life-altering events, although there were some horribly horrible days, and a couple pretty good days. i'm not ready to go back to school, but on the other side i'm so ready to go back. i can't handle being away from my friends for that long of a time. it just doesn't feel good. that and since i have nothing to do it just makes me feel worse, being the lazy ass that i am.

but not to fear! the break is over and in a couple of days i'm going to be wishing it wasn't. i'll be counting down the days til easter break (and is spring break and easter break the same thing this year like it was last year? 'cause that really sucked), and then i'll be counting down to summer. and then i'll be miserable not seeing my friends again. oh well.

so yesterday daivd and kyle came to hang out at my house. yes, that's right, my house. well actually i went and picked them up and brought them over, being that i'm quite sure people would get very lost trying to find my house (although it's really really easy to find, but then again i have lived here my whole life). so we hung out for a while. kyle brought his new electric guitar and jammed on it for a while. daivd fell asleep. then we raided my kitchen for food (alas we have nothing of value in our cabinets). when we got into santa we went to the bowling alley to play pool (since that was the "truce" that daivd came up with...).

when i got home like at 9 i found that my satan was back, with melissa, and that robin williams had a special on HBO. so we watched that til like 10, at which point i looked at myself in the mirror and realized i looked really really pale. not as bad as when i feel like i'm gonna pass out, but close. the weird thing was that i felt pretty good the whole day. so then i thought damn, trying to go to sleep tonight is gonna be impossible.

and again, i was right. my lower joints (hips, knees, ankles) were aching just enough to annoy me and not let me go to sleep. i don't know how much time passed, but apparently i fell asleep. i woke up sometime during the night (since i take my contacts out at night i can't read my clock that's like 6ft from me) and my right knee was killing me. a lot of pain. but lazy ass as i am i didn't want to get up and go searching a dark house for some ibuprophin or the like, so i just went back to bed and tried to sleep. tried. don't you hate it when you get songs stuck in your head at night? i do. so i was lying (laying, however the fuck you spell it) there in bed, my knee in pain, with songs in my head. i don't know when i fell asleep but for a while there i thought i was going to go insane.

so i got up this morning and finished The Return of the King. which concludes my reading of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. i really enjoyed reading that book (well technically it's like 6 books or something, but i got the one where they're all put together in one huge book). and now i'm back on the net.

my dad's putting drywall on one wall of my room today. he did the south wall of my brother's room yesterday. within a month, i think, that whole process will finally be done. and then who knows, i might even be able to paint my room by summer break! this is all really quite amazing, given that we started this whole project 6 years ago.

bah. now i'm tired and i think i'll eat lunch. i have to go to church at 7pm since i didn't go with them last night. oh well, daniel will probably be singing, and that's always nice.

hope everybody had a great break.

so much for that

so i've been doing some really epic thinking over the past few days. i fully intended to write everything that came to me down on this blog, but since it was dead since saturday it never got done. so here i am, trying to remember and write down all the little revelations i had.

the first thing that comes to mind is that little promise i made to myself about a week ago, a promise to finally get all this shit out of my head and tell a couple of very important people to me exactly what i felt. the kind of thing that needs to be said in order to move on with my life. i've been meaning to do this for about a month now, and i fully intended to do it before the 6th, but it still scares the crap out of me. the bottom line: i don't know my friends. at all. with the exception of alex, i know next to nothing about my friends. so i came to the conclusion that they have no idea who the fuck i am, and that i've just been deceiving them for the past year or so. through that issue comes a whole bunch of little issues that slowly drive me insane. i don't know if it's the depression thing lately or the fact that i'm definitely not the person i want to be, but all those issues are now right in front of my face, and whenever i see them, i just want to scream. but since i can't scream (really i can't scream) i've just been burying it deeper and deeper, and i'm quite afraid that when i do let it out, i'll lose someone who is extremely important to me.

and now i'm going in circles.

it involves a lot more than that. a lot more. but this is just something that i'd rather talk to them directly about, instead of writing about it. so that's what i was supposed to do by the sixth, and since it's now friday, i don't think it'll happen.

so that's that.

one of alex's resolutions was to listen to people more. that's pretty much always been my role in life, the great listener. but the thing with this is that since i'm always listening, i never say what i feel. never. one of my friends' biggest tiffs with me is that i never have an opinion. i never commit to one side or another, because that means that i'll have to say what i think, what i feel. and i've just never been the sharing type. the reason: i don't trust anyone. i've been hurt so much by people when i open up that i'd just resolved to never trust people with important stuff. which is a cowardly thing. i still don't trust people (with the exception of alex), but i really really want to. a few years ago, it wasn't a matter of trust, it was just that i didn't care about anything, so i was fine with telling people exactly what i thought. i don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but now i really do care about important things in my life, and i really want to trust people with the things i have to say. so that's one resolution: go ahead and trust people again, because i'll never move on if i'm not willing to let people in, and i'll never be happy unless i'm willing to take the chance that i might get hurt.

resolution two: don't think before i act. i know, it's supposed to be the other way around, isn't it? but that's one of my problems, i always over-analyze everything, and always think too much about what might happen, instead of just committing and finding out firsthand. this i realize is also something i do to prevent me from getting hurt. but in the process, it doesn't allow me to be happy, to do the things i really want to do. so that's two.

three: try to find who i really am. the only time i ever felt like i really knew who i was, when i was comfortable with being myself, is (ironically?) the period in my life when i wanted to kill myself. it sounds a little twisted now that i think about it, but that's the thing i missed the most about that time, me knowing exactly who i was. now i don't know exactly how i'm gonna go about "finding who i really am", but i'm sure something epic will come about because of it.

epic. speaking of epic, zander wrote an epic account of the past year of his life, and so i was thinking of the past year of my life. it was weird, reflecting on all the shit that went down the beginning of last year, and everything resulting from that. thinking back on it, it wasn't actions or holidays or that stuff that i remembered, it was the people.

and thinking on that point (i don't know how thinking about people brought me to this), i remember what alex said to me when we were watching gangs of new york. which by the way i went and saw again on wednesday and will happily go see again if anyone wants to. it was the scene where the guy was impaled, and his friend shoots him (you know 'cause he was in so much pain). alex turns to me and says "if i'm ever impaled, you pull me off." so if alex is ever impaled, i'm to get her thoroughly drunk and pull her off, not shoot her to get her out of her misery. and so i was thinking about it, and you know, if i'm ever impaled, don't pull me off or kill me, just leave me there to die a slow painful death. no really i really thought about this, and the pain reminds you that you're still alive. i mean, when do you ever think about how lucky you are to be healthy and alive until you're sick and in pain?

so yeah, but that's only if i'm impaled.

and now i've forgotten everything else i was going to say. hmm, hey i got some movie gift certificates, so if anybody wants to go catch gangs of new york at devargas (dreamcatcher is sooo much better, but i can only use the gift certificates with united artists), i'm all for it.

and now i'm tired and bored. oh well.

i can't believe it

i have been freaking out the whole fucking day because blogger hates me. i really really hate that title now, the one on the 28th. after seeing it over and over and over again when i was trying to post something new and it wouldn't post really pissed me off. i even went through all the trouble of trying to get a new blog, but apparently the whole blogger system is fucked up. i don't know. but now i can rest easy, knowing that tomorrow i can finally post what i've been meaning to for the past couple of days.

happy new year all, and i got AIM back, so drop me a message sometime.

what day is it?

it's a new year... i think... and so maybe blogger won't be stupid anymore. hasn't posted like my last 3 posts... and it would be pissing me off more if i weren't typing this on MY COMPUTER! yes, you heard, it's up and running, and we haven't killed it yet.

hmm... i'm gonna try and post now. if it doesn't work, well i think i'll re-fix the blog. but wait didn't this happen to the other blog like in july??