burn the life right out of the stars in my eyes

it's weird, driving on a crowded city street, window open, thunder rumbling, cd blasting, and feeling that you're so terribly alone. to know that somewhere in the same city, somewhere close, your best friends are living out their lives, doing something, going somewhere, being someone. and all i want to do is keep driving. maybe lay on top of my car and let the rain fall on me. kind of like a rebirth in the past moments. i get so bitter and tired when i'm not around people. it gave me a reason to get out of bed today. to put on a pair of jeans and my black shirt and my black dm's, and somehow feel good about feeling so horrible.

what was up about last night. i don't know. i don't know. me not being somewhere with anyone just made me feel even worse, so that i not only felt sick, i also felt over-emotional and hung up over what will never be. i'm supposed to be writing poetry. i'm supposed to be doing my econ project and my calc worksheet and memorizing physics project stuff and writing poetry. but my mind just shut down after tuesday. and now this whole weekend is shot.

there's not enough time to do everything, so why do anything. i need to let me go.

everything i write seems so... forced. all of my poetry seems forced and it's just like before, just turning in complete shit because it doesn't matter anyway. nothing's helping. last week was some kind of a fluke, and now i'm paying for it. i'm so tired of the high school drama. i'm tired of people expecting me to come through for everyone else, expecting me to go with the flow and not cause any problems. i wanted to scream at the rat to let me leave and never bother me again, because obviously you're not listening to anything i say. you're just saying how stupid i am and how i have such a big problem and it was a cry for help and blah blah blah. but i was having a good week so i took it. i took it and i let her talk to me like i was some kind of idiot. but apparently she's against piercings and tattoos, and against abortion, and against si, so i felt so much better about disliking her, because anything i claim to and can carry on conversations about, she's against. so. but nothing's happened so far. and if it's up to me nothing ever will.

and as much as i need to be angry, i'm not. as much as i need to just totally abandon everything, i can't.

i hate talking to myself on a computer into the internet. i hate it because it's the only place i can talk. and apparently it's the only place i can write.

cripes i can't do this anymore. i think i should rethink my stance on everything.