creo que necesito cambiar

so, yeah. things have been... hectic. my own fault really, as usual, but still. i was thinking yesterday, on my way to class, that i could just up and go to spain, maybe come back a couple years later, and somehow magically be better. and if not be better, than just more interesting. because why? i can't seem to be convinced that this traditional education and traditional carreer path will work. i keep thinking that there's something better, more creative, more on my terms, if there's anything out there at all. and now people remind me daily "you could have gone anywhere... why on earth are you here?" and when i tell them i didn't think i really had a choice, they don't understand. parts of me don't understand either, but the majority of me still knows exactly what i was talking about in the first place. and so i suppose i'll trudge along and make things work out, if only because that's what you have to do nowadays. and taking up guitar again and wanting to be creative won't fix things, just make you more restless.

who would have thought that failing would be so easy? getting stuck in a routine where you don't actually do anything but wait to sleep again. where mood swings are a daily occurrence, and now i can't even remember what bed i'm sleeping in. get sleeves and full piercings and long hair that flows freely. sandals and skirts and being warm. if i was just warm, how much better things would be. leave a hot place that makes me cry yet i get good grades and learn, to come to a place where i have a social life, but am cold and struggle through everything. it was the trade off i was willing to make at the time. it's still a good trade off, i just put on more sweaters and jackets and make myself go to class, gain new friends that will leave. tired's got nothing to do with it. i just need to be away from this all.

and doctors are the same, i don't think i'll go to get bloodwork done this week, i can't bring myself to do it just to be let down again. someone upset because they're healthy. and if i did still belive in god things would be a lot worse, i'd be even more of a failure than i already at times am. stars and peroxide. cuts like the soul. five months and i'm restless again. go figure.

maybe one day i'll get to go somewhere. my creativity will come back. right now i need to figure out a way to convince people that things will be alright, even though i know that they won't.