sometimes the inevitable happens

eh. just... eh.

you know, there's so many things that i wouldn't have changed in that school. things that i liked, that i wanted, structure and security, knowing everyone in your class (and in turn most of the school). but the things that are wrong throughout the years have just overshadowed all the good. immensely.

i wish i could be around all the happenings there now, just to take it all in and see how people are truly reacting to it. whether it's out of selfishness, cover-my-assness, or people really taking it to heart. i guess i am pessimistic, or just really realistic in this day and age, but 9 out of 10 says that no one had any idea what she was thinking, and now they're making it about them.

and maybe i am a bad person when the first thing that comes to my head after hearing it was "good for you". maybe i'm a sick, horrible person, but part of me really holds on to that she did what she wanted, she ultimately had the control. the other me, knowing what i know now, still standing on the threshold of what i should be going through but refuse, thinks that maybe if someone could've understood her, maybe she would want help and get it, and be better for it. but ultimately, it is your own choice. i still maintain that your body is the only thing you really have, the only thing you have true control over. do what you want with it. (i also maintain that suicide is the most powerful act you could ever commit. i know some (most) people would say that i shouldn't respect someone because of that, but i do, and i suppose i always will.)

but the thing that's been throwing me off is that for every person who actually succeeds, there's at least a handful (or more) people at that school who haven't been successful. and they do nothing about it. there isn't really any safe area kids can go to, no counselors that actually give a shit (except for sunseri, but only seniors are allowed to see her, so what about everyone else?), no one people can truly talk to without the threat of extra adult and parental intervention. what about all the kids that are pushed into the shadows because of what they tried to do? i don't know, there's just so much that's still very wrong with this picture.

how do people know. people never know unless they take the time to care, and even then you only know as much as the person wants you to know. before senior year i only told my 2 best friends of my suicidal... tendencies... and that's because they were the only people i felt truly cared about me. after i turned 18 i didn't really care what happened, i wasn't scared of adult intervention anymore, so i became open with what i'd been struggling with all of high school. then shit went down and (because of where i was at the time, and where i figured i was headed) i shut up, because my suspicions at the time proved to be correct... on a base level, they were just covering their asses. but the bottom line was this: i had been depressed the entire time i was at that school. i had seriously seriously considered killing myself a handful of times (as i'm sure a lot of other people had/have), and no one ever noticed, at least not enough to ask me about it. they were all busy keeping their eye on the "stoners" and people with bad grades, people who tried to fuck with the dress code, people who they thought were delinquents. and, while i think that some people who act out are doing it for different motives (that need to be watched/looked into), i truly believe that they were focusing on the wrong people.

i didn't know her. i'll say that right now. i never took the time to really talk to her outside of drama things. i was the old drama bitch by the time she came around, and she (as well as most of the other new girls) made that clear to me. maybe if my role had been different in the context that we were all in then maybe i'd have gotten to know her better. maybe if people really could wear their lives on their skin she would've talked to me. but that's all what-if's, and it gets us nowhere. in all truth i was more worried about her sister and a handful of other girls in the club than i was about her. if i had more than a few months? maybe. and then again maybe not. who knows what happens when you look back on it with the eyes of death.

my mother called and told me that she loved me. i still find that ridiculously funny.

and to the point? it's sad that the people around her have to have this jolt in their lives. it's sad that they didn't see it coming, in whatever little sense anyone could've. it's sad that it takes this for some people to rethink things, and it's sad that this will spark a wave of suicide attempts.

but, in all, ultimately, i'm happy for her.