only heaven knows

cripes, i just spent the entire day making stars, and now i'm really wired sitting in my room on the internet and i don't know what else to do...

i picked out my old creative writing journal the other night. it's interesting to go back and read what i wrote at that time in my life. just to remember things, see that i really did know what i was talking about, knowing that my beliefs didn't just all of a sudden spring up (and i can now prove things to people)... views on love, death, friends, and pretty much just general rambling on my part that again only i know what the hell i'm talking about. being able to pick out the he's and she's and know exactly who i was talking about at the time, remembering what concern and love and true warmth feels like, and seeing that i haven't really changed all that much, even though it seems that i have.

and oh, how things have gotten complicated, in almost every facet of my life. my life, other people's lives, probably just life in general. i love how everything gets turned around just when you planned the next couple years of your life (see: sarcasm). the type of complete mindfucks that just leave you wondering "wait, what just happened?". and remembering that only you control you, and that metal and scars and ink are a part of you, and that everything really is beautiful, even if you can't see it at the moment because it's too dark out to see anything.

how about going to spain, or transferring colleges yet again? what exactly is the limit on that, four times, three different schools? i'm going to have to look into that, if for nothing else that my parents think i'll never do anything in my life with a sociology degree. funny them, who said that i'd ever actually use a degree in life?

i need to write more on paper, or maybe i'll end up posting some of the things that i found from that journal...

"you met me at a very strange time in my life"

all i want to do is quote awesomeness and bathe in music.

hey there, long time no write. i had some major technical difficulties earlier, which doesn't exactly excuse five months of silence, but i have such a connection to writing on my computer in my own space, in a way that i can actually read it... as you could see from the previous post, my screen asploded at the beginning of the fall semester. i'm not blaming anyone anymore, and i'm well over it by now, but the gist is that it slid off of my bed and hit on the power cord, and (i'm guessing, since i've dropped it from about 4 feet in the air when it was open before) it surged and cracked the lcd screen. awesomely that was the only thing that was broken, i still had a completely functioning computer, except that i had to change everything to one side of my screen (and move my dock and make it tiny so it would fit). user error! if i'd have gotten it fixed through apple, it would have cost me a good $1200, which is slightly over half of what the computer cost in the first place. so, i took the chance and bought a screen through ebay. long story short, didn't get it fixed until december, then wireless was broke, just got it back again now in february.

sheesh. yeah, now i have a new background and all of my folders and my dock are back in order. i was on the verge of deleting all the pictures on my comp, so i uploaded a good few hundred pics to facebook in the hopes of letting others pick what they wanted to keep and then i could delete them without feeling bad. i need to wipe my harddrive, but i have no idea when or even if i'll get around to doing that.

school school school and drama. we shant speak of fall semester. beginning of january my quarter-life-crisis started. i say started because apparently i'm still in the midst of it. i changed my major. yeah, i couldn't deal with not having a life and being miserable all the time just because of programming classes. i still have my love/hate relationship with computers, that'll never change, and if my parents yell at me enough i'll probably try to get some sort of graphics design training so that i can do what i originally wanted to do (web design). on that note, i am now a full-fledged sociology major (and psychology minor because i can get it done in the 4 year period). i probably will never get a job that uses my degree, but right now there are more important things to think about.

like life.

it's a funny thing you know, when you realize that you actually don't want to die, when traveling and creating and opening minds means so much more than getting an education. when you wake up one morning and realize you can add another person to the list of people you love. yes, i'm in a quarter-life-crisis. i've been happier for a longer amount of time than i can ever remember, and it feels so good, but my dual nature is craving that other side of my life to come back again, and frankly i can't wait to be out of control again. redefining friends, the nature of friends, the meaning of best friends. i still mean what i say when i tell you that i'll love you forever, no matter who we both become or are. and i can feel auras again, opening myself up to people other than the one i've been with for some time now. and coffee and hugs and touching feels oh so good. social butterfly, getting my teenage years out when i'm twenty, being with friends and going to random places late at night and doing what i want. tattoos and piercings and jewelry and stars and coffee and talking so sincerely and concerts and gazing at planets...

so much to say, but how much can i say to a screen when i've been away for five months? i've tried to think of where my focus could shift, tech blog, photo blog, shutting down, starting over, becoming new. i'm up in the air about it right now, i'd like to take more photos and (if i like them) put them here so that i can share them with others. i still have to redesign, i know what i have in mind but finding the time is so hard these days (except when you ditch class apparently, as i'm doing now (or did, rather)). i have a bunch of projects i should be in the middle of right now, mostly stars, but one day things will get done. hell, i finally read Mutant Message Down Under, so i know that i'll get around to everything eventually.

but check back in a while, 'cause i think i'm back this time, at least until this quarter-life-crises comes to a close. i'll have things to say, whether they're anything remotely important or interesting is something completely different.

and i am definitely looking forward to coffee tonight.