water signs and falling under the stars

life just kicks you upside the head sometimes when you're not paying attention, you know?

life and life and that feeling that just won't go away. it's like as much as you try, that urging and failing, the stressing and pushing past everything that in essence is so inconsequential, that after everything you find that you're just the same as before, before when you weren't really aware of any of it at all. things change, people change, seconds pass and a new being stands in front of you, with the aura of a familiar soul pulsing (or dying) in the void that is a body. every singe thing is different, yet so much the same. you're a different soul and people don't even know it. most don't recognize. most never take the time to recognize. it feels so weird approaching someone and feeling a completely different aura come over you. it's scary and refreshing at the same time. knowing that you don't know them as well as you did before. and sometimes being able to get to know this person all over again, even if it is only after a span of a month.

so much happens but do we ever realize it before we realize ourselves? it's something to be connected with other people, see the change in them, and yet not see it within ourselves. it's like, a lack of being. just time passing and then waking up a lifetime later. where did everything go?

i want to think that i've changed. that things have changed. that everything's changed. that a change of living space and new friends and responsibilities that i can handle if you don't push me, a new old look and a lack of fresh scars, days filled with class and work and commuting, that everything that i've been supposed to be doing for years, that it's all changed me into that person who could maybe be the stepping stone to real life. i don't know where it goes. when i come back to a house of noise and yelling and suppressed anger, come back to a city where getting drunk is the main focus, hiding and lying and doing stupid things for stupid reasons... everything i feel i've gained just drains from me.

and can i talk about what i really think about? if i start doing that people will run away from me like i'm some disease. it's already happened once, when i said what i really thought people wouldn't touch me for weeks.

i keep talking and thinking why am i telling you this, more importantly why are you still around me even after knowing all this, hearing it directly from me? it's amazing. truly, it is. and for once i've felt like i can actually say what i'm really thinking, without hesitance or regret, without worrying if people will leave me. i guess it helps to know that people are leaving me, but even then, some things don't matter anymore.

i get these little glimpses of what life could be, what it could be but probably won't be... it's just enough to give me an awesome high and then feel horrible afterwards.

but still not enough of a swing to satisfy me.

have i gotten better? better how. i haven't cut in one month exactly. i wanted to a few times, more out of the mindset of a habit than an actual need. but then i just think of you and remember what you said, and i'm ok.

it's easier to make promises to others and stick to them. i've only ever made two promises to myself, and the past year i found myself wanting to break them, just so i wouldn't have to deal with life. but now... and yeah, i don't know what's going to happen in august. i don't know what's going to happen once my support system virtually vanishes, when there's no one to come check on me to make sure i'm still around. but at least i know people are around.

i have more responsibility now. i have to take care of myself. really, truly take care of myself. i have such a contradiction set up in my head that sometimes i don't know what i want. right now i want to rest, and be free from expectations, and be my old new self again.

welcome back to the land of the living. it's been years child, but you've made it. sit down, stay awhile.