decisions, decisions.

hi.

um, i'm not quite sure what to say... or maybe just how to say this.

i'm... tired. and infinitely confused, but what's really new with that one. i'm shaky today, which only kind of scares me. i have started to, decline shall i say, in my eating habits again. figured i did it a couple years ago, also being on copious amounts of caffiene, except right now i'm about 15 pounds lighter than i have been in what three four years? that would scare me, except i can't be brought to freaking out about health things anymore. told yesterday i was looking frail. can't really argue with it. ha, i guess it's just si in another form now isn't it. ah well. so, the tired thing, pretty much accounted for. i was offered antidepressants after 45 minutes of my "counselor" mumbling her way through the intro session. which pissed me off greatly. granted, i've been seriously thinking of getting myself on meds, but on the other hand i've also been seriously thinking of just taking up smoking pot. right now it could go either way. but the one thing is you don't ever get the urge to overdose on pot, while if you're taking pills... and what? suicidal ideation? i didn't know i wasn't supposed to talk about that one. no one tells me these things. but you know, on tuesday night overdosing on pills sounded like a really novel idea to me. which in turn made me think i was even crazier the next morning when i woke up and thought, "what the FUCK?". (clarification - overdosing not really my thing. i've always preferred slitting my wrists. i think it's the combination of something i'm used to and for me it would be a lot more likely with success if i slit my wrists. you always hear of people getting found after an overdose and getting saved.). but really, it sounded quite good. and while we're on the subject of my new checklist of things: had 3 panic attacks tuesday night, in the span of 4 hours. two were while i was in a theatre, in between two people who i don't know, watching a play that has become notorious of fucking with my head (by the way, it's amazing. i wish everybody could see it. then again maybe some people aren't into expressionism as much as i am). didn't help that i'd been "manic" (i use the term loosely) for the previous 24 hours. so, after freaking out indoors, i practically ran out of the theatre and started walking, thinking that would help. it didn't. proceeded to go back to room, alienate boyfriend, cut off all possibilities of anyone getting a hold of me, and have 3rd panic attack. and i must say, i wasn't really expecting it. considered throwing out 4 months yet again, realized that i still didn't have razor blades, spent another hour on bus, and then cried myself to sleep.

um, and now i realize that everyone's run away. everyone being the 2 people that read this. hm. that's ok.

what to say... so i'm miserable at school. came home for the weekend, don't really know why now that i'm here. maybe i thought that i wouldn't feel that i'm dying in this house. didn't really think that one through. it's kind of funny, now that i think of it. 2 different people, emerging at totally random times, just to make me thoroughly confused and make it so i can't make any decisions or plans at all. case in point: kristin 1 wants to transfer to unm, be with friends, get out of this shit, get into theatre, and have a chance at living/being happy. kristin 2 wants to cut herself off from everyone, break up with bf so he won't have to put up with her, stay at nmsu, stay miserable, drag my way through the next 4 years and at the same time fill my arm and hip with scars. now, on any given day kristin 1 and kristin 2 can switch off one to oh, say, five, six times. having a good day means staying with one personality consistently the whole day. so, depending on the moment, i can make up a plan for my future, and then totally contradict that plan. back and forth and back and forth and it's really amazing that i get done what i get done. i'm honestly amazed that i haven't ditched class. wait... i'm not, because that would mean that i would end up getting something less than an A in class.

fuck. me.

now, all that being said, you can imagine why i haven't been so keen on posting lately. because do you really want to hear this type of shit again and again and again... i mean, i could go on, but i realize i've already said too much. which is a funny thing in and of itself.

ah, but the matter at hand. i'm, how shall i say... quite convinced that i will not have the support of my parents in the "plan" of transferring to unm. which, you know, i could still do. i mean i have money, i have a promised job, i can get loans... but the thing is (oh and i just love this one), my parents have successfully planted a seed of doubt in my mind. and let's just say that the plant produced by that seed will be a weedy kind. the fucking thing just won't go away. (fatal flaw of living in this house and voluntarily coming back: this kind of shit happens all the time. somehow i keep thinking things will be different now. how sadly wrong i was). and so, with that said, i'm at a quite interesting conflict. it seems that kristin 1 and kristin 2 have now temporarily merged. they're kind of both starting to agree with each other.

i don't know. seriously, i'm just as surprised when my mood changes as everyone else. i don't know who i'll be tomorrow or even the next hour. i'm not sure about anything. and yes, i do mean anything.

you don't understand that. then again, you don't have to.