you're never there

thoughts racing that make me start to crash, to break in two and just sit where i am hyperventilating, crying... thinking where where where i have to do it now, but something or someone always keeps me from it. i've been trying to trigger myself the whole day. i even went to house of sins, but i scared myself by doing so because i got it through my head that i really was at a pro-ana site. and that i had gone there of my own free will. there are no pro-si sites. i looked for a while. why? i wanted to see it again. i don't have a bme membership anymore, i can't see the ritual cutting gallery more than the first few pages. a few weeks ago they scared me. i would barely glance at them and i would get so freaked out... but now... things always happen. they haven't replied to my email. should i go back to a crappy counselor just for the purpose of getting medication? i said i would, but they haven't emailed me back. and i'm sure i was supposed to do something for my scholarship this week, i just can't figure out what. i have weird dreams now, and weird daydreams... seeing things how they should be. plans. i made plans. just the phrase itself is so loaded. plans. plans never work, and how many times have i said that? that plans and dreams and hopes are just crap? now i don't know what i'll do that weekend. if the play isn't that week, then what's the point of going home and being humiliated once again, going just so i can please someone else. and i don't know i can never make decisions, not anymore with these two different people coming out at random times and fucking everything up. and i think if i lose six months i won't be able to get my tattoo. but as it is that changes with what person i am. feeling good, lower back. feeling bad, left forearm. how will i know? how will i know what mood i'll be in on that day? will i have to get two to satisfy both people? and what if i just stop all body mod, who am i then? who am i now? i don't know anymore. i don't have drama. i don't have my old mannerisms. all i have is this... thing. and i think i'm getting an ed. i don't know. my stomach hurts. my head hurts. i took ibuprofin but it's still here. maybe i could go to sleep... and every time i have a really bad urge i can't tell you. i've misused you so much already. when i did it to him he had sense enough to drop me before i could hurt him. i don't see him anymore, i don't think i ever will. no one sees me anymore. how could they? they look right through me. and that's how it should be. it would be easier. and more people die... she was a little sweet girl and now she's murdered and she left behind a two year old. i told my mother i didn't remember her but i do, of course i do i remember everyone. everyone that dies... everyone dies. empathy. sometimes i hate being so empathetic, feeling what others do. it makes me go crazy because they aren't even my emotions, they're someone else's. someone else's fears and sadness, why do i feel them? why do i have to feel them? all i ever wanted to do was just watch the moon and the stars. that's all...