fall into winter

leaves all over the ground. bright green. yellow. red. piles and piles and you wade through them as you go to class. big fluffy pillows, and if it wasn't so cold you'd want to lay in them and imagine a time when things were innocent, the laughter was pure, and every day was exciting. watching the moon out from behind grey clouds while driving back to a place that seems so unfamiliar. getting lost in the stars and the perfect shades of grey, the light off the moon and remembering how you look in that moonlight. feeling good and alive and even police officers with too much time on their hands won't get you down. singing at the top of your lungs because you can, words that are so chilling yet so perfect at the same time. crying every night again, but it's back to a release instead of just something that will prolong that feeling of nothingness, the darkness and the cold, hunger and confusion. maybe it's gone on holiday.

and so many babies! little buddha and beautiful girl, just right where they're supposed to be. one with so much energy and already such personality, the other still feeling out the world, but making everyone else smile anyway. and then another one come yesterday. so small and so fragile, she couldn't wait to see the world. but she's got something that tells me she'll stick around. and she gets to be in an incubator like me, except i came right on time. the babies! i fear babies and all that they hold. a new life in the world, a thing that at times seems so beyond my grasp. and what if i hurt it? there's so much that comes into play when you're responsible for the creation of a person. i fear them. but they are beautiful little creatures... especially when they smile.

and more rushing and doing unwanted things. sometimes it turns out well, other times not so well. a feeling of wanting to be safe totally corrupted by the knowledge of danger. knowing i need to be safe, safe from myself, and finding it in the arms of a love. falling asleep knowing with absolute certainty that i am loved, and knowing that one day i will be better. and try to carry that through.

times are different, and yet so much the same. i don't know people anymore, although i think others know me better now, if at all. we all have so much, so much, and i take it all for granted. every single piece of it. if you really think of what you have, what life is, every little thing. cold milk. clouds. turning fall leaves. falling leaves. water. hugs. smiles. understanding. fire. that feeling after focusing completely on your form in martial arts. that little flutter in your stomach when someone says "i love you".

there's so much to look forward to. so much. i don't know why i can't always see that, or why i sometimes want to get away from it. but things happen. optimistic? not exactly. just... ok.