old revelations haunting like ghosts

no big surprise here. home for five days and the same tiredness, same frustration, same aches and sleeplessness.

i can't get by like i used to... i don't really know who i am anymore, who i'll become, who i want to be. everything should work like it's supposed to. people should be helpful and friendly, people should care. and i don't care anymore. after being enthusiastic about everything imaginable, life, love, school, the future... i'm back at the beginning. everything seems so unreal except this is reality, this is how it's been for years and it's not going to change just because you need it to. clear everything out, throw it all away. why keep things on your walls and tables if they're just material crap that mean nothing. i guess they meant something for a brief second, but now everything is just not right again. all birthday presents laying on the floor untouched. i haven't taken pictures in months, and i don't know if i ever will again. you stop doing the things you love, one by one they slip away and you don't care if they go... things fade and you let them go because being enthusiastic has gotten you burned every single time. i don't even care if something's wrong. everything's wrong. nothing's wrong. nothing changes anyway.

when you're young and naive you want to change the world. you want to help people and become something. now you just want to survive doing what will hopefully make you happy.

there's so much that i know, so much information, just tucked away for those few times that someone is willing to listen. but everything is wasted when you're looking for ways to get out. i'm tired of being let down time after time after time, always. and i answer 567 questions just to be told exactly what i know, like it's supposed to be a revelation that will kick me out of this. it's just a waste of time and energy. that'll all be the same, and i could try time after time, but the outcome will be the same. i can help others, but i can't be helped. at least i don't see how anything can help. there's no trauma, no damage, just there, and how can i compete with anyone? the irrationality of rationality. things make sense, things don't make sense. i'm confused past the point figuring things out anymore. and now i live my life purposely giving myself and other people an out. if you work and get money, you can pay back your parents for the year that you've wasted. if you taper off talking to people, it'll be easier to disappear. encourage your significant other to hook up with other people so when you end it they can keep on living life like that was never a bump in the road. i know my motives are fucked up, but until people show me otherwise, this is the way my life will be. so who am i? honestly, i'm not sure. i don't know. i can't be here, but i can't be anywhere else. there's a countdown that's started, i don't know exactly when, or what exactly it's counting down to, but i'll know when i get there.