is anyone ever really there

so everyone's doing end of the year recaps. if i had been around more physically and mentally in the last week i would've posted more, and posted on this sooner, but as it is i'm just trying to keep myself together. again.

january february march. isn't it all the same? same doubts and fears, but a desire to let everything go and just practice instant gratification and self indulgence. i remember being optimistic, the most optimistic i think i've been in my entire life. and things were good, for a while. ups and downs and ups and downs and a lingering in the back of my mind (which still won't go away).

march/april. the split-second of determined writing, the infamous story, and then the world broke. it was so liberating to write it, not so much to tell people, but to be connected with it without actually physically recreating the act, to write. teacher and counselor involvement, my hatred and fear and confusion being played upon. she saw something that i had convinced myself wasn't there, and opened up a whole new realm of doubt for me.

april/may. after the extreme week of happiness a bit after the incident, i steadily came back down, and continued to go deeper and deeper until i finally crashed the thursday after graduation. a much hated prom that i didn't want to go to, but again did so for other people (who barely talked to me the entire night). so, that night, i just shut down. didn't care. stayed in that state until when... july?

we shant talk about june. or july. no one knew where i was anyway, so it wouldn't matter.

august full of parties and 2am stops to ihop, convincing drunk friends that village inn really was ihop, long talks about nothing in particular with guys that i felt like i knew forever, homework, non-homework, breakdowns...

september. surprised labor day weekend, followed by winning incubus tickets 1.5 hours before the show (which kicked major ass), followed by a non-zozobra weekend and second breakdown.

i can't remember the rest of september, october, or november, except there was a point where i was in albuquerque/santa/home almost every weekend, and the whole white sands excursion. and birthdays, birthdays, breakdown # who knows what on the night of my birthday. and then i cut again 9 days before my six month mark, and the day after i decided to transfer to unm. how... horrible.

i was so happy on the last drive on that day in december. i felt fine for a while. and then parties, get togethers, work, non-fights, and new year's eve.

and now... it's the same. i failed to go to work today for fear that i might hurt myself (which started last night), so instead i attempted to sleep for more than 4 hours and cleaned my room. there's almost nothing visible in it now.

i need this weekend, and i need it to be good, because then it's back to school, and starting all over again... having to manage my time between class and homework and finally getting a life, finding a psychiatrist, finding a doctor, finding a yoga class, finding my old best friends again...

finding myself...