made my day

you just made me ecstatic.

yeah.

sometimes the inevitable happens

eh. just... eh.

you know, there's so many things that i wouldn't have changed in that school. things that i liked, that i wanted, structure and security, knowing everyone in your class (and in turn most of the school). but the things that are wrong throughout the years have just overshadowed all the good. immensely.

i wish i could be around all the happenings there now, just to take it all in and see how people are truly reacting to it. whether it's out of selfishness, cover-my-assness, or people really taking it to heart. i guess i am pessimistic, or just really realistic in this day and age, but 9 out of 10 says that no one had any idea what she was thinking, and now they're making it about them.

and maybe i am a bad person when the first thing that comes to my head after hearing it was "good for you". maybe i'm a sick, horrible person, but part of me really holds on to that she did what she wanted, she ultimately had the control. the other me, knowing what i know now, still standing on the threshold of what i should be going through but refuse, thinks that maybe if someone could've understood her, maybe she would want help and get it, and be better for it. but ultimately, it is your own choice. i still maintain that your body is the only thing you really have, the only thing you have true control over. do what you want with it. (i also maintain that suicide is the most powerful act you could ever commit. i know some (most) people would say that i shouldn't respect someone because of that, but i do, and i suppose i always will.)

but the thing that's been throwing me off is that for every person who actually succeeds, there's at least a handful (or more) people at that school who haven't been successful. and they do nothing about it. there isn't really any safe area kids can go to, no counselors that actually give a shit (except for sunseri, but only seniors are allowed to see her, so what about everyone else?), no one people can truly talk to without the threat of extra adult and parental intervention. what about all the kids that are pushed into the shadows because of what they tried to do? i don't know, there's just so much that's still very wrong with this picture.

how do people know. people never know unless they take the time to care, and even then you only know as much as the person wants you to know. before senior year i only told my 2 best friends of my suicidal... tendencies... and that's because they were the only people i felt truly cared about me. after i turned 18 i didn't really care what happened, i wasn't scared of adult intervention anymore, so i became open with what i'd been struggling with all of high school. then shit went down and (because of where i was at the time, and where i figured i was headed) i shut up, because my suspicions at the time proved to be correct... on a base level, they were just covering their asses. but the bottom line was this: i had been depressed the entire time i was at that school. i had seriously seriously considered killing myself a handful of times (as i'm sure a lot of other people had/have), and no one ever noticed, at least not enough to ask me about it. they were all busy keeping their eye on the "stoners" and people with bad grades, people who tried to fuck with the dress code, people who they thought were delinquents. and, while i think that some people who act out are doing it for different motives (that need to be watched/looked into), i truly believe that they were focusing on the wrong people.

i didn't know her. i'll say that right now. i never took the time to really talk to her outside of drama things. i was the old drama bitch by the time she came around, and she (as well as most of the other new girls) made that clear to me. maybe if my role had been different in the context that we were all in then maybe i'd have gotten to know her better. maybe if people really could wear their lives on their skin she would've talked to me. but that's all what-if's, and it gets us nowhere. in all truth i was more worried about her sister and a handful of other girls in the club than i was about her. if i had more than a few months? maybe. and then again maybe not. who knows what happens when you look back on it with the eyes of death.

my mother called and told me that she loved me. i still find that ridiculously funny.

and to the point? it's sad that the people around her have to have this jolt in their lives. it's sad that they didn't see it coming, in whatever little sense anyone could've. it's sad that it takes this for some people to rethink things, and it's sad that this will spark a wave of suicide attempts.

but, in all, ultimately, i'm happy for her.

creo que necesito cambiar

so, yeah. things have been... hectic. my own fault really, as usual, but still. i was thinking yesterday, on my way to class, that i could just up and go to spain, maybe come back a couple years later, and somehow magically be better. and if not be better, than just more interesting. because why? i can't seem to be convinced that this traditional education and traditional carreer path will work. i keep thinking that there's something better, more creative, more on my terms, if there's anything out there at all. and now people remind me daily "you could have gone anywhere... why on earth are you here?" and when i tell them i didn't think i really had a choice, they don't understand. parts of me don't understand either, but the majority of me still knows exactly what i was talking about in the first place. and so i suppose i'll trudge along and make things work out, if only because that's what you have to do nowadays. and taking up guitar again and wanting to be creative won't fix things, just make you more restless.

who would have thought that failing would be so easy? getting stuck in a routine where you don't actually do anything but wait to sleep again. where mood swings are a daily occurrence, and now i can't even remember what bed i'm sleeping in. get sleeves and full piercings and long hair that flows freely. sandals and skirts and being warm. if i was just warm, how much better things would be. leave a hot place that makes me cry yet i get good grades and learn, to come to a place where i have a social life, but am cold and struggle through everything. it was the trade off i was willing to make at the time. it's still a good trade off, i just put on more sweaters and jackets and make myself go to class, gain new friends that will leave. tired's got nothing to do with it. i just need to be away from this all.

and doctors are the same, i don't think i'll go to get bloodwork done this week, i can't bring myself to do it just to be let down again. someone upset because they're healthy. and if i did still belive in god things would be a lot worse, i'd be even more of a failure than i already at times am. stars and peroxide. cuts like the soul. five months and i'm restless again. go figure.

maybe one day i'll get to go somewhere. my creativity will come back. right now i need to figure out a way to convince people that things will be alright, even though i know that they won't.

I am currently party to one sugar high. And by sugar high I mean more sugar than should be in one’s body at 12:50am. I thought it was a good idea, if thirsty then drink the rootbeer that you left in your friends’ fridge. I mean it’s caffeine free, so everything would be ok.

WRONG!

Lesson learned children: stick with the v8 you were originally going to have. It’s good for you, and I’m gonna bet that it won’t keep you up at midnight playing guitar in a room that has a purple fur rug that looks like a pimp jacket when one crazy French boy puts it on.

So now I’m a slacker, eh? Half of it feels really good, doing something that I really want to do in the moment like watch a movie or take a nap or some other sort of extra curricular activity that doesn’t include much activity instead of actually going to labs or doing your homework. On that note, I have officially fucked up my latest program, and my grade in that class I’m guessing, but the good thing is that I have no idea how to fix the program to make it work. Yay for confusion and bad teachers!

Sarcasm is totally lost on me when I’m in this state. And to think this was previously a very, very, very bad day.

Maybe I am diabetic. Hm…

I even did laundry. I never do laundry. Our basement looks freakishly bright and shiny due to the hideous paint job one of the ra’s did on it. Well, technically it’s d2’s part of the basement, but if there’s a basement, usually all of it is basement. Usually.

I want to be a hippie. Yes, I want to be a hippie. I could make a song out of it and play guitar and have the pasta sing and then we can all play perfect dark because n64 is teh roxors. And now that I have actually used that phrase in real life I think I will have to rewash my brain. Or maybe just my pajamas. Jammies!

It’s really quite horrible that I’m still wide awake. Maybe some late night war chalking? Ninja training? Squirrel fishing? Damn squirrels. Cold now, off to big fluffy blue blanket land where everything is cozy until the alarm radio goes off or some people come knocking on my door.
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i wrote this at 1am-ish on word because blogger wasn't letting me into my account, hence all the random capitalized words (and by random i mean things that are usually supposed to be capitalized. damn autocorrect.