bare walls

i don't know why i'm back on here except that i felt some need to type. long day of sleeping, and i'm still tired. and i know why i slept and why i still need to sleep, but i still feel like such a failure to even get out of bed and do anything today. eleven whole hours to study and program, and i don't think i'll do much of anything for more than an hour, if that. it feels like another of those bad weeks where i just don't care and my grades take a plunge because of it. i keep on reminding myself that if i'm happy then grades don't matter at all. if i was 4.0 and miserable it wouldn't even be worth it because i'd be so messed up nothing would matter. the trade off sucks, considering my past, but it's something that i have to live with now. i am not going to obsess over something that in the end won't really matter. can't even obsess over money anymore since can't get any scholarships, just have to keep up a 2.5 overall, and if i can't even do that then something bigger is wrong.

i'm in a huge cuddly stage and am being very unfulfilled in that area. which is more than reasonable since i feel like cuddling every moment of the day now. i saw american beauty for the first time last night and cried. my blood tests came back. they say i'm fine. i officially give up on doctors... which is sad because now that means that everything really is in my head. i have this primal urge to refuse to go to a therapist/psychiatrist. it's not even a question in my head, just someone says go and my mind spits out "no". i just don't want to get burned again by doctors who don't understand me. i don't want to be put on medication that will kill the few highs that i get. but i think most of my relationships are hinging on this whole me going thing. aren't breakdowns the kind of thing you're supposed to get out of your system when you're still in highschool? it's a year later and i still feel the same, except maybe less energetic with the highs. and i never burn anything anymore. it's been such a long time... so much to burn but it's like the fire has mellowed out with me. i want to go back to berkeley and walk through the eucalyptus forest and lay on the grass and hang out on telegraph. and then i want to ride in cars with my friends in santa fe for the entire day, hang out and eat and watch movies and just be us again. and i keep saving money for some silly reason even though i still don't see myself living past college. and i want to make things. and read books. and i want to visit las cruces even though every time i think about it it makes me cry. i don't want a roommate next semester (who can handle me?). i want to be able to stay me even if that means sleeping all day. six months in eight days. i did it only twice in all of last year. more out of guilt than strength. but i guess that's still good, it's what everyone wanted.

things are... different.