life out of the corner of your eye

sometime during the early evening the realization hit me: it has been one year since i graduated. for the first time in my life, i can remember almost the exact events that happened a year ago (all the way from may 1st to when i left for state in august). i can remember what i did every single day of this week a year ago too: sunday was daivd and kyle's graduation party, i drove for pretty much the first time in my civic, and stalled pretty much every time that i had to try and get started from first gear. monday i had to put together some kind of speech for senior awards that night, ended up writing an intro paragraph and then getting my brother to write what i figured i was trying to say. tuesday graduation, after graduation dinner, and then the after afterness in where no one called me about parties/get togethers after i specifically asked them to (but in all honesty it worked out for the best...). wednesday i attempted to dye irena's hair red, thursday go into santa and find a party going on at kat's, get thoroughly depressed, have an episode, and cut for the second to last time ever (to date that is). friday go into town shop for shorts/skirts, meet up with irena, go get my hood pierced (and she her nose), paula and samantha's graduation party, more party at kat's house, spend the night with alex. saturday get my computer (wonderful).

i have never, ever been able to remember a time as well as now.

big things. big, big things happening before and after graduation. i was thinking today, while driving home from work (it's that time again boys and girls, the dreaded 40 hour work week), that i was more afraid last year at this time that i am now. and then i had to promptly correct myself because i was actually not very afraid at all a year ago. school had just ended, i had almost no responsibilities anymore (except work), and i was getting into a relationship. i had almost nothing to lose. and now... it's not that i have a great deal to lose, it's that i have almost nothing to gain if things go wrong.

bah.

finished the semester. didn't have any time to rest and unwind, back into work and remembering after two days how much i dislike being in los alamos, hoping that by the end of this week i won't be only wanting to work there part time (or not at all). i haven't seen my best friends in forever, and i don't know if i ever will. but i still have my love, and i still have at least a glimmer of hope for the upcoming present.

i don't know if i understand what i'm thinking...