friends don't let friends use IE

before i start ranting, let me just say (as i find it extremely cool) that now, apparently, you can post images without having to host them yourself! this is a huge thing for me because i remembered something about how they weren't going to have this kind of support for mac for a long, long time, if at all. but again, the google buyout of pyra has given us loads of new cool things, and the nice people there seem to actually care about their customer base (even if it is free). that said, i don't know how long we've had this feature... i'm not the most regular blogger anymore and when i do come in here i usually don't check the updates or the layout of the post page. another one of the many things i have to get into in the upcoming days.

anyway, i just had the best day i've had in a very, very long time. and as a bonus it was the best day i've had at work (of all places!). i was fortunate enough to attend a workshop/seminar given by molly holzschlag, hosted by the big entity that is my employer (honestly, these kind of things happen all the time and i only get to go to one the whole summer. you know how much their css class was? $700. and i get this one free. freaks.). anyway, i heard from some other people that it was kind of a summary of what they already knew, but for me who's really just starting to be serious about css (and the whole xhtml/xml thing), it was very, very, very helpful. it was exactly what i've been wanting to do all summer. exactly what i've been wanting to learn. and validation! i mean, huge stuff when you look at it from standards, which was the point of all this. standards are awesome. you might hate complying, but it helps so much. seriously. in anything really, standards are great to use. anyway, i get to go back tomorrow for the hands-on part of the class (hopefully some people won't show so i can actually sit at a computer and do the hands-on rather than just listening to her, which still isn't bad at all), which will no doubt be just as awesome. and tomorrow is all css.

karma. just, karma man. for as shitty as i've been feeling, being good to others really comes back to you.

now i don't know if come noon tomorrow when i go back to my usual job i won't still want to quit at the end of the week, but this definitely makes things at least a little better.

quick notes: i've been meaning to get opera for a while now to add to my browser list (to check css layouts and such, web dev stuff), and now i'll finally have to do it. if you don't [have a mac and use safari, or] use firefox, i would say check out opera. i've only heard good things about it.

must spend ridiculous amounts of time at the w3c and learn, learn, learn. also must look into bbedit, that or finally learn how to use project builder as it was intended. hell i could write all my java in textEdit for all i do with project builder right now.

ok, it's half an hour past my bedtime and a little kitten is standing on my bed next to me, waiting for me to get off the computer. hopefully more tomorrow!

little one

got tiger on wednesday, installed thursday, played bejeweled all night friday. spent all of saturday cleaning cars, and a good part of today doing that also.

the rest of my time has been spent playing with a little kitten who now resides in my room. she's beautiful, and the first kitten i've had in a couple years. i missed it immensely.

more of an update later this week, will be starting web stuff and adding onto the site.

fear the closed-minded

so it's time again for another (or maybe the first) update.

in work news: i forgot to say that i'm working in a pseudo microsoft base camp. all .NET, all the time. i've concluded that i like neither C languages nor visual basic, and that visually (no pun intended) i wish VB would just die. replacing brackets with END IF is just wrong on so many levels. on that note, it seems that i'm slightly learning how to program in VB. and by slightly i mean not really programming, just converting C# into VB. personally, i'm still sticking with java.

on that note for the past couple weeks i've been intending on updating my original informational website with my past couple years experience. i've needed to go through that code (and god damn is there a lot of code, just because i didn't want to use frames), put the template css into it's own file like it should be, and streamlining some of the standards there (ha. ha. ha. the sad thing is, as super organized as i like to be, i actually like standards.). that and i haven't updated the "updates" file in two years, and programmatically i've learned a lot since then. on that note maybe i'll start adding java based pages on there.

i ordered tiger (finally) the other night. should be in by wednesday, unless the freaking fedex guy can't find my house again. this means i'll finally be able to use some of my hardware and other things to their fullest potential. that and i'll be able to play bejeweled again and actually see those handy mouse-over tips that i love. i think my battery is almost to the end of its life cycle, so i may have to start actually turning my comp off every day instead of sleeping it. but tiger does have a greatly improved loading time, so maybe it won't be that much of an issue anymore. i still feel gypped about the whole not really new thing with my computer, would have much rather payed $100 more to get it new from sacramento than already in cruces for 9+ months before we bought it. and that it didn't have panther on it. ugh. all soon to be remedied.

speaking of mac software, i've found an alternative to ichat. with bryan moving to linux, he found a lot of good open source software (linux being an almost totally open source community), including gaim for his online chatting. so now i'm going to probably be downloading adium and using that for all my chatting needs. but i really like the whole speech-bubble thing with ichat...

mmm. open source. mmm.

ugh. someone PLEASE tell me to stop eating ice cream sandwiches. i swear if i wasn't borderline diabetic before, i sure as hell will be soon.

i'm not one for a 40 hour work week, but here i am doing it all summer. due to this fact i'm usually really unmotivated when i get home to do anything, let alone code for my sites. but i'm exercising two days a week (maybe i'll start making it three), which is a hell of a lot more than i've been doing since i stopped playing sports four, five years ago. i have to get in major shape for my flamenco class this next semester. and it really helps with the whole endorphins making me feel like i can actually live and do things. i should probably start jogging next semester just to keep the big black cloud from taking me under so much.

so eventually i should be rehauling this page, i need to delete some blogs off the blogroll as it seems some people have dropped off the face of the earth. i have to add shannon's page (off of zentastic, not his direct iam page) since i've been reading it daily for a year or so, probably more. and he does a lot more research on headlines than i have energy to do, so that's always a plus. also i feel kind of obligated to put the infamous lanl blog link on here as well. haven't really kept up with it, i'm a student so i'm pretty much invisible over there. the tommy hook thing: personally i believe the government has him almost killed scenario, but i'm also really, really, really jaded about anything having to do with the government. that said, i now work for the government, and they pretty much know/can find out whatever the hell they want about me, including drug tests, searches, and all the other information finding things they use. scary stuff. if i didn't need a job i definitely wouldn't try to be caught up in a government facility. but enough on that.

wanting more mods in the immediate future, still have to do some convincing though... but as long as i can find a good black work artist and my back looks good, i'm planning to go through on the tattoo at the end of the summer.

we need to start following through on the whole neo-hippie lifestyle thing. and i'm not kidding about the peace corps.

ok, now it's my bedtime, must try and sleep now. more to come after tiger gets in.

pulls her hair back as she screams
i don't really want to live this life

i don't know if it's the hormones or the depression or a mix of both, my insecurities and my fears, my friends leaving... but i'm on the edge way too much lately. i was seconds away from slicing my arm up on sunday night, but he threw away my blades (after i gave them to him last summer). but that was bad, harder than most days like that. it got me thinking about p docs again, and how i really would go if it didn't cost so much. that's the thing about hospitalizations, good for the situation, bad for the wallet. but adults still scare me out of my mind. my mentor scares me just because he's older than me. i have an extremely hard time with age groups that aren't mine. i would try to get over that but i still don't think i'm smart enough or aware enough. i'm still just a stupid little girl and i can't stand up to them in that capacity. bad.

i still can't see myself living past college. i don't know if i want to or not, i can't see myself holding down a conventional job. i just find it so hard to hold together for that long of a time and feel like i'm doing something productive. i can't visualize taking care of myself, doing everything on my own, going places and talking to people by myself. living on my own, getting a place, being responsible. it hurts in a conventional life to sleep in every day, be randomly creative, take time off to just be. to live like that you need money, to have money you need a job, and to have a job you can't live like that. i don't know what i'll do.

what i do want to do is webdev. all summer, just work on cleaning up my html, integrating more css, learning flash and javascripting, becoming familiar with webhosting and server load. just everything. all i've been doing at work is googling sql server stuff and c# stuff and while i understand that sql server is a very useful application, i just can't get behind coding in c languages. i'm java minded now, i can't handle things that don't have brackets. but i want to do website coding so badly right now, and i know that staying at my job will kill any desire and energy i have towards this learning project. all i want to do when i get home is tune out and snuggle (usually both of which i can't do). and no one could understand that because you're expected to have a full time job that you go to every day for the entire summer, to get money that you'll never use because it'll be put in a savings account forever. but if i'm choosing to live, i want to actually live my way.

it doesn't help that i want a back piece done the end of this summer and a few more piercings too. good work costs money, good jewelry costs money, school costs money, gas, food, fun... you can only live a green life so much, but even then you need something to start out with. why can't i just become a hippie and leave this all behind. maybe i will end up joining the peace corps just because it's something to do that isn't an 8 to 5 job.

sometimes i feel that this is the only place i can really rest, other times i'm certain that it contributes to all the crap running around in my head. home is a safe place... but what if it made you like this in the first place. i don't know if i can stay in your house anymore after sunday night, that was too hard, too much for me. you ask too much when i'm in the wrong state of mind, and i'll always regret anything i say in states like that. but i don't want you ever to hurt, and i don't want to hurt you, even though that's becoming harder the more i go on like this.

and do you have any idea how much i miss you? the french boy is leaving in less than two days. he was like you when you weren't there, a friend, someone who listens, someone who cares. and now everyone's gone and didn't you know how much you meant to me? we've always tiptoed around the big issue, but i don't think i can do that anymore. i love you, you know i love you, but i can't do this on my own. four best friends has almost shrunk down to one, and so help me if i lose him. but you... you were always different. now what?

no one reads this anymore. maybe that's a good thing. i've almost lost all sight of what i once thought i could be. everyone's struggling, but the thing is that the struggle never ends, just changes. it seems like we're all breaking apart, the ones who broke sooner are getting better (or are better) and maybe that really was good. maybe everyone needs a suicide attempt now and then to get things in perspective. to get help. old problems come up with new people, more people on medication and more people doing crazy things. it doesn't worry me, just sometimes i think it's sad. decisions are always around, but they never matter until you make them.

and don't even get me started on the sex thing. that just makes me even more depressed.

i think maybe i need to sleep. more non-work tomorrow, saying goodbyes, writing letters. maybe i'll start cutting again, who knows. but i won't let them run my life again. i hope.