pulls her hair back as she screams
i don't really want to live this life

i don't know if it's the hormones or the depression or a mix of both, my insecurities and my fears, my friends leaving... but i'm on the edge way too much lately. i was seconds away from slicing my arm up on sunday night, but he threw away my blades (after i gave them to him last summer). but that was bad, harder than most days like that. it got me thinking about p docs again, and how i really would go if it didn't cost so much. that's the thing about hospitalizations, good for the situation, bad for the wallet. but adults still scare me out of my mind. my mentor scares me just because he's older than me. i have an extremely hard time with age groups that aren't mine. i would try to get over that but i still don't think i'm smart enough or aware enough. i'm still just a stupid little girl and i can't stand up to them in that capacity. bad.

i still can't see myself living past college. i don't know if i want to or not, i can't see myself holding down a conventional job. i just find it so hard to hold together for that long of a time and feel like i'm doing something productive. i can't visualize taking care of myself, doing everything on my own, going places and talking to people by myself. living on my own, getting a place, being responsible. it hurts in a conventional life to sleep in every day, be randomly creative, take time off to just be. to live like that you need money, to have money you need a job, and to have a job you can't live like that. i don't know what i'll do.

what i do want to do is webdev. all summer, just work on cleaning up my html, integrating more css, learning flash and javascripting, becoming familiar with webhosting and server load. just everything. all i've been doing at work is googling sql server stuff and c# stuff and while i understand that sql server is a very useful application, i just can't get behind coding in c languages. i'm java minded now, i can't handle things that don't have brackets. but i want to do website coding so badly right now, and i know that staying at my job will kill any desire and energy i have towards this learning project. all i want to do when i get home is tune out and snuggle (usually both of which i can't do). and no one could understand that because you're expected to have a full time job that you go to every day for the entire summer, to get money that you'll never use because it'll be put in a savings account forever. but if i'm choosing to live, i want to actually live my way.

it doesn't help that i want a back piece done the end of this summer and a few more piercings too. good work costs money, good jewelry costs money, school costs money, gas, food, fun... you can only live a green life so much, but even then you need something to start out with. why can't i just become a hippie and leave this all behind. maybe i will end up joining the peace corps just because it's something to do that isn't an 8 to 5 job.

sometimes i feel that this is the only place i can really rest, other times i'm certain that it contributes to all the crap running around in my head. home is a safe place... but what if it made you like this in the first place. i don't know if i can stay in your house anymore after sunday night, that was too hard, too much for me. you ask too much when i'm in the wrong state of mind, and i'll always regret anything i say in states like that. but i don't want you ever to hurt, and i don't want to hurt you, even though that's becoming harder the more i go on like this.

and do you have any idea how much i miss you? the french boy is leaving in less than two days. he was like you when you weren't there, a friend, someone who listens, someone who cares. and now everyone's gone and didn't you know how much you meant to me? we've always tiptoed around the big issue, but i don't think i can do that anymore. i love you, you know i love you, but i can't do this on my own. four best friends has almost shrunk down to one, and so help me if i lose him. but you... you were always different. now what?

no one reads this anymore. maybe that's a good thing. i've almost lost all sight of what i once thought i could be. everyone's struggling, but the thing is that the struggle never ends, just changes. it seems like we're all breaking apart, the ones who broke sooner are getting better (or are better) and maybe that really was good. maybe everyone needs a suicide attempt now and then to get things in perspective. to get help. old problems come up with new people, more people on medication and more people doing crazy things. it doesn't worry me, just sometimes i think it's sad. decisions are always around, but they never matter until you make them.

and don't even get me started on the sex thing. that just makes me even more depressed.

i think maybe i need to sleep. more non-work tomorrow, saying goodbyes, writing letters. maybe i'll start cutting again, who knows. but i won't let them run my life again. i hope.