leave propriety out of this

had a week of a week, a lifetime of rest and restlessness, winding up my body like a top and then letting it slowly melt away. a rush of exhiliration and heat and twitching pissed-offness. you don't know me don't know me don't know me i'm not doing this for you. the confusion and the overpowering desire to just get it over with. but interviews and tank tops and people get in the way. to write, to write, to wait it out and drown slowly in the ever rising emotions and assertions. cold and hot and oh so tired. leave me alone. i'm on top of the world. i'm fading out of existence. leave me alone. i can't say, i can't say, since everything i say takes away everything i live for. life and the warmth of sun on skin, light passing through eyelids, relaxed driving in a crowded road, being exactly where i need to be in the moment, smooth music gliding over my body and through my mind, a pure embrace and soul of clarity. peace and peace and peace. write because you mean it, write because you feel it, don't bullshit yourself or anything else, be pure, be real. it's not like you're going to be here ever again.

snap in two and look down to see cold fingertips shaking, arm twitching. leave me be. hot and cold and i don't want to be here, let me go just let me go. let me slip out pass out into another plane and i'm gone. irritated. angry. leave me alone. i can't take care of myself, i can take care of myself. this is me, me, get it through your head. my body is mine own, it's the only thing i have. this is me. let me at least be me for me. i don't need your permission. it's not a disease, it's not a problem, it's not a product. it just is. and now i can't do it any more, thank you very much. and what then after? after? when? when is not soon enough. it needs to be now. and what then? putting an experience on a pedistal never works out how you want it. downplay everything. downplay sex and jobs and college and words and feelings and piercings and tattoos and parties and birthdays and days off and downplay everything. take it all as one even line. what? it's not the answer to your problems (not problems you have no problems) it's just another mod in your skin to make you more you. so why not just do it now?

good question. ups and downs have gone from extreme back to dull with little bouts of life. i don't like the dull. i'd rather when it was crazy, when i felt horrible and awesome and back to horrible. at least that was real. i'm getting off these damn pills. they make me crazy. going to a doctor won't help. doctors are incompetent, especially in my case. i'm good for a case study, if anyone cared enough when they were so fucking generous in taking one ovary. i don't want pills. i don't want talk. i just want to stop being avoided. and if not stop being avoided, why don't you just leave me altogether. disappear and fade from your life forever.

what? writing is writing is writing. i don't want to do school. i block out everything except cw. i want to block out everything except cw. work is only beneficial when one wants to learn.

starry night and warm breeze, swaying to the music of souls on the same color, feeling your touch and feeling your soul. i'm safe and not tired anymore. lifetimes pass. is this what death is like?