everything falls away

sometimes i wonder why i do any of this. seeing negative reactions from people, and oddly against everything i usually am i ignore them. there are certain things that i won't let other people touch in my life, won't let them corrupt or take away from me. power over the one thing that i have.

the moment i concede to someone else's wants of me, let them take away the only thing that's mine, is the moment that i cease to be.

and for as much as i feel that i'm over the one part of my life, i realize that i will never really be over it. i refrain now because why, because for once i'm bordering on ok. because i don't want to let other people down. and that's still the old mindset, doing things for other people instead of for me.

i stopped wearing safety pins as a bracelet. i stopped wearing my necklaces with the safety pin on it. i haven't needed it as a deterrant from cutting since school ended, but i still find myself thinking "do that again" when something accidentally scratches my skin.

and now instead of 9 piercings i'm back to 8. my own stupid fault probably, and it hadn't even been a full 2 months. i didn't miss it when it happened, but now... it's like i'm missing something that became a part of me. and sure, it didn't do much for me in the "functional" side, but i still liked being more... me. more in control of me.

and now it's july 17th, two weeks after the 3rd, a year and two weeks after i got my helix piercings, and about a year and three months after i first thought of my tattoo. and i still don't have it. what's the excuse now? i need the money for school. and really, when i think of what i need, money for school doesn't come before the tattoo.

i've already been told that i should transfer and go somewhere else. told by another person that i could go somewhere else. and i get the same look from the majority of other people... "she could've gone anywhere she wanted, why is she wasting her life at an in-state school?". but really, i didn't want to go anywhere. you can't go back and say "well i should've done this", because that would never happen. i never really dreamed of what i would be when i grew up, i never planned my wedding, i never thought of how my children would be, i never thought of college or high school. i never planned for anything to happen, so i never lived my life like it would. i never thought that i'd have to get past wanting to kill myself. i never thought that i would find writing, lose it, find it... i never thought that people would actually listen to me. i never thought that i'd ever be in a relationship that wasn't purely for instant gratification.

and yet...