the way you look tonight

i had forgotten how easily i could switch moods, going from indifferent to angry and frustrated to elated back to that familiar empty moments feeling. and all about things that aren't. i always wondered and enjoyed how i could conjure up emotions from fictional situations, and share feelings that people around me are experiencing. i've always been more for empathy than sympathy.

and the same kind of wonder. i drove home more reckless than usual, knowing that i wouldn't be able to do what i want, spend every moment possible with the people i love before everyone laves... i drove home and i created this fictional situation in my mind of one year later, when people get back from their new lives. a situation where i was broken, so i could feel how it was and be ready for it. because i haven't done that in two months. because ever since getting out of the "high school life" i've been hopeful. optimistic. thinking that i can survive, i can be successful, i can live my life on my own terms and be happy.

but why. i feel like i'm straddling two worlds, one that is everything i've ever hoped for in life, and the other everything i've been used to and have always thought my life would be like. and i've been saying that i'm not scared. not anxious. i think i believe it. but i know a part of me is still scared out of my mind and doesn't want to believe that things are getting better. that things can get better. it's a gradual thing, but i'm a lot farther along then i ever dreamed i would be.

and why is it that every time i walk into fallen angel i feel this complete sense of calm and security? and i love that feeling, of knowing what i'm talking about and actually being enthusiastic about this knowledge, not like some stupid thing i put all my energy into in school.

i had a moment of hesitance after i got home. thinking "am i sure?". is anyone ever sure about anything except love? i have the same reasons, and the same desire. but...

i have this dual picture in my head. a healthy, natural version, enjoying life and the light and everything pure, in the light sense. and the a dark, pierced, tattooed person who knows exactly who and where she is, exactly what she believes, and exactly where she's going. one soft, one sharp. one light, one dark. one optimistic, one pessimistic. and at times, they're both equally appealing. both equally me. and yet thinking about both at the same time thoroughly confuses me.

it's been two months.

it would have been two months for my hood piercing too, if i hadn't've neglected checking the secureness of the ball. sometimes i miss it, sometimes i don't. it's something i'll have to consider sooner or later i'm sure.

everything has to happen sooner or later.

i believe you now. everything that you always said, everything that i so desperately wanted to believe at the time, but just thought that nothing decent would ever happen to me. i believe you. and i'm sorry for all of the energy you might've felt you wasted on me at the time, and i thank you for never giving up on me. i've never said how much that helped me through the years, how much it meant to me. how much you did for me by just opening the door. and if there's anything i could ever do to help you...

i should talk to you about these things.

sometimes you don't see things until you look at yourself in the mirror.