life drifting by and we're back at the ending of the beginning

how many days do i have? i mean really, in everything you do, how much time. walking around in a haze and not enjoying the day. the feeling of warm sun on skin or a cool breeze. the way things look, a sunset, the moon, the mountains, little things, people, yourself. feeling the air rushing into your lungs and all of a sudden it hits you that the whole world is alive, that you're alive. sometimes we forget that we're alive. we get stuck in routines and jobs and unhealthy relationships and houses and cities that just suffocate us, and we forget about everything.

and it shouldn't be like that. we shouldn't have to do things we don't want to, be places that make us die inside. we should be able to wake up in the morning and take a deep breath and stretch out under the covers and just take our time. get out of bed because life is brilliant and awesome and we want to feel and see everything possible. every second should be an experience that we want to remember in one form or another. and think about it. how often does that happen? almost never. i can't remember waking up and wanting to be present with the day. things change, but they don't change enough to shake me out of this... fog. i have to make things change, but i always get intimidated by life. standing up for myself always creates these ripples, and somehow they always touch people i never wanted to include. somehow i'm convinced that if i'm really myself and speak my mind, do what i really want and go where i really want, it'll create this big hole, and a majority of people will disappear. but if people are really that critical, why would i want to associate with them? just because they don't understand and refuse to? it gets to a limit where i stop being understanding about them not being able to handle it.

life is what you make it, when you realize what it is. life? what is this thing except self-discovery and experiencing relationships and learning and feeling all we can and striving to make things better? what is this thing when you don't want to deal with it anymore, want everything to just stop? what is this thing that makes us take a look back and doubt everything we've come to believe? it hits you when you're least expecting it. driving home late at night. noticing something you've passed hundreds of times before. not feeling one damn thing, feeling everything as if it was amplified a hundred fold. laughing for no reason except that something deep inside you was so content and overjoyed that you had to laugh. something that's just on the edge of your memory that you can't get back no matter how hard you try.

and what happens when we do finally wake up? regret or joy? would we take life in our hands and make the most of it, making opportunities for ourselves and being who we really want to be, who we really are, without hesitation or fear. not everything has to be a means to an end. you could do everything that you feel and believe, if everyone else just let you.

i've been conveniently somewhere else for a while, mentally, physically, emotionally. letting others push me and set me on the paths that i've taken in life. what do i have to show for it? more than i could've imagined, in more ways than one. i've always thought too much over the years, over-analyzed everything. took every decision and jumped forward ten steps into the future before i ever made the decision, saw everything that could go wrong and in my mind would go wrong, and so i never did what i wanted. i've been letting other people live my life for me. i've done it for such a long time that it's hard stopping it now, even as much as i want to.

and i'm still here, as much as i predicted i wouldn't be years ago. and i'm glad. i have four people that i truly love, and that would be worth the world. it would be worth lifetimes over, just to be able to love. and i want to be able to spend every second in a state of contentment. i want to always feel safe, and know that no matter what life is worth something.

some people don't know that.