devil's night

it's devil's night. i'll be watching the crow and getting mentally and emotionally fucked up, but it's the only time in the year when i allow myself to do so.

hm... and i didn't even watch the full moon this time.

fading.

i'm crashing... after 3 days of being ok i'm not anymore... and i was more than ok i was happy... now... i can't sleep after being so intensely tired for the past few days... tired beyond the point of sleeping anymore? it's been an hour and i'm wide awake but now i'm crying 'cause i tried not to think about it and yet everything just comes flooding back and i can't help it. i can't make it stay away and all i was thinking is how i need something to make me go to sleep... i wish someone was here to sit with me... anyone... i just don't feel safe... i never feel safe anymore. i just need to sleep that's all i want is sleep... why is this so hard? i can't do this... i have to sleep...

you're never there

thoughts racing that make me start to crash, to break in two and just sit where i am hyperventilating, crying... thinking where where where i have to do it now, but something or someone always keeps me from it. i've been trying to trigger myself the whole day. i even went to house of sins, but i scared myself by doing so because i got it through my head that i really was at a pro-ana site. and that i had gone there of my own free will. there are no pro-si sites. i looked for a while. why? i wanted to see it again. i don't have a bme membership anymore, i can't see the ritual cutting gallery more than the first few pages. a few weeks ago they scared me. i would barely glance at them and i would get so freaked out... but now... things always happen. they haven't replied to my email. should i go back to a crappy counselor just for the purpose of getting medication? i said i would, but they haven't emailed me back. and i'm sure i was supposed to do something for my scholarship this week, i just can't figure out what. i have weird dreams now, and weird daydreams... seeing things how they should be. plans. i made plans. just the phrase itself is so loaded. plans. plans never work, and how many times have i said that? that plans and dreams and hopes are just crap? now i don't know what i'll do that weekend. if the play isn't that week, then what's the point of going home and being humiliated once again, going just so i can please someone else. and i don't know i can never make decisions, not anymore with these two different people coming out at random times and fucking everything up. and i think if i lose six months i won't be able to get my tattoo. but as it is that changes with what person i am. feeling good, lower back. feeling bad, left forearm. how will i know? how will i know what mood i'll be in on that day? will i have to get two to satisfy both people? and what if i just stop all body mod, who am i then? who am i now? i don't know anymore. i don't have drama. i don't have my old mannerisms. all i have is this... thing. and i think i'm getting an ed. i don't know. my stomach hurts. my head hurts. i took ibuprofin but it's still here. maybe i could go to sleep... and every time i have a really bad urge i can't tell you. i've misused you so much already. when i did it to him he had sense enough to drop me before i could hurt him. i don't see him anymore, i don't think i ever will. no one sees me anymore. how could they? they look right through me. and that's how it should be. it would be easier. and more people die... she was a little sweet girl and now she's murdered and she left behind a two year old. i told my mother i didn't remember her but i do, of course i do i remember everyone. everyone that dies... everyone dies. empathy. sometimes i hate being so empathetic, feeling what others do. it makes me go crazy because they aren't even my emotions, they're someone else's. someone else's fears and sadness, why do i feel them? why do i have to feel them? all i ever wanted to do was just watch the moon and the stars. that's all...

the past. revisited.

"the future doesn't exist. all you have is the past, the present, and your memories. and doesn't that just suck?"

i'm in a weird place right now. all last night i tried not to think about being back in this room today, tried not to remember that i had to step back into the real world. but then i woke up and we were doing everything separate again, getting ready to leave to our different schools, different lives. i drove back in a fog... slightly reckless but it's not like that doesn't happen all the time. back and tired and teary eyed and i tried to sleep and not think of tomorrow, not think that i'll be here until thanksgiving and then dec 10th and then back in january and won't be free until may. i had two things to look forward to, to keep me going. one was this weekend, and the other was getting out of here at semester. now this weekend's gone, and i can't leave. and it's not like i ever get a choice, i should've known that by now... but at the same time i was still hoping...

everything just feels so much... worse now. and it's not, it's the same as it was a month ago or even last tuesday. classes are the same, homework's the same, same labs and tests, same routine. but now there's no out.

i started this in seventh grade: live for the weekend. because whatever happens during the week can temporarily fade away with sleep on the weekend. back then living till the weekend seemed like such a stretch, but the weekend would come, and i would sleep, maybe even without crying if i could distance myself from reality enough... and i would start another week. and that's how i survived seventh grade.

sure, i could say that it was the logical arguments i set up for myself: you can't be this miserable for the rest of your life. this is only temporary. you'll get friends. you'll find someone who understands. you'll get to a point where everything isn't so hard. because you have to. life always gets better, if even for just a moment. and you live for those moments don't you? you'd live for those moments... i was very persuasive, but at the same time i had this underlying feeling that i was just telling myself these things so i wouldn't have to bother with being ultimately misunderstood in suicide.

i was, and am, greatly misunderstood. which is my own fault, i know. if i actually said what i felt, said what i thought, said what i wanted... ah, but i learned early that people don't listen to me. when you don't listen, you'll never understand anything about another person.

and the funny thing is i could write a much better suicide note when i was in seventh grade than i ever could now. i don't think i've ever gone a year without mentally writing some sort of suicide note. back then i wanted to explain every single facet of my mind and my emotion, my motivation behind the act. i wanted them to be ripped apart by my words. i wanted them to realize that they ignored the wrong person. i wanted them to be so confused about life that they'd rethink everything. i wanted them to hurt. and what now? last time i thought on it (last week? the week before?) it was just emailing my best friends and telling them that i love them and i'm sorry... and then calling my boyfriend and just telling him that i love him. that's all. no explanation anymore. i've given up all desire to explain myself because no one listens anymore. when i was younger i figured i could make them listen. now i'm older and more resigned. my point was proven perfectly this last wednesday. people wonder why i have such low self esteem. it's from being basically told that i'm an idiot and don't know how to live my own life (not in so many words, or with that exact connotation, but i've been through it so many times that i get it perfectly by now). as perfect as i've tried to be to prove them wrong, to prove everyone wrong, i'm still seen as the stupid little girl who can't do anything for herself. and so ok then, if that's what you think, then that's how i'll be. i've always been a firm believer in the concept that if you're unjustly punished, might as well do something that the punishment could account for. and so yeah, i'm not eating, not drinking water, not walking, not getting out and doing anything social. it's kind of like my revenge. i've been doing it in one form or another for years now. as long as i can remember, actually. somewhere around summer junior to senior year it switched to cutting. but the problem with that one was that it actually worked, did it's job. one of those epiphany kind of moments. i don't remember how i stumbled onto it... only that i had been thinking about it for about 3 years but never done it due to the social stigma placed on cutters, among other things. i don't even remember why i finally did it. then again i can't remember much of anything over the years. and then i had to go and write that story for creative writing last semester. and then ooh look she's depressed and suicidal we must help her she's second in the class and we can't look bad if this gets out we must help her to make us look good! we must save her! i was too tired to argue with them. i was too tired to lie anymore the whole last year. i was pissed off as all hell because i was 18 and as such not a minor anymore, they didn't have to put me through that shit. but i understand why they did it. i flat out refused counseling. they were going to force me to go into therapy, because that's their policy. but, since it was the last quarter of school, time didn't allow them to carry out any disciplinary actions if i didn't get therapy. i planned it all well. yes, i planned it that way, just in case something went wrong (as it did) i'd have an out. i wouldn't have dared to turn in something like that any time before then, because of what they could force me to do. and no one wants to be known as the crazy person in the family... we never talk about such disfunction in my mother's family. and oh, is there tons. i don't blame them, i don't blame any of them, because i think i inherited a little more than just hair and skin color from my mother's side. i think i got the crazy gene. i can pick out a few people actually. but no one speaks of such things. no one talks about the obvious bipolar traits in certain people (not me... i still insist that i'm never high enough or reckless enough to be considered manic)...

it's funny how much you pick up by just listening and watching people. this is how i learn. i listen, and i watch. so much so that i feel much more comfortable listening to a person for hours on end and never saying a thing about myself. and, by listening to everything a person says, you also find out everything they don't say. i made a comment a few years ago that i would tell anyone anything they wanted to know about me, as long as they asked. they have to ask.

and, to my great relief at times, no one ever asks.

it makes things easier. i tend to alienate people unintentionally when i talk about myself, my life.

ha, another thing: i can't write when other people are in the room.

tired now.

free download

not much to say, except flickerstick's teenage dope fiend is up for free download at itunes. apparently i was a week off in what i thought it would be, so it's only up until tuesday.

check it out. or not. whatever.

decisions, decisions.

hi.

um, i'm not quite sure what to say... or maybe just how to say this.

i'm... tired. and infinitely confused, but what's really new with that one. i'm shaky today, which only kind of scares me. i have started to, decline shall i say, in my eating habits again. figured i did it a couple years ago, also being on copious amounts of caffiene, except right now i'm about 15 pounds lighter than i have been in what three four years? that would scare me, except i can't be brought to freaking out about health things anymore. told yesterday i was looking frail. can't really argue with it. ha, i guess it's just si in another form now isn't it. ah well. so, the tired thing, pretty much accounted for. i was offered antidepressants after 45 minutes of my "counselor" mumbling her way through the intro session. which pissed me off greatly. granted, i've been seriously thinking of getting myself on meds, but on the other hand i've also been seriously thinking of just taking up smoking pot. right now it could go either way. but the one thing is you don't ever get the urge to overdose on pot, while if you're taking pills... and what? suicidal ideation? i didn't know i wasn't supposed to talk about that one. no one tells me these things. but you know, on tuesday night overdosing on pills sounded like a really novel idea to me. which in turn made me think i was even crazier the next morning when i woke up and thought, "what the FUCK?". (clarification - overdosing not really my thing. i've always preferred slitting my wrists. i think it's the combination of something i'm used to and for me it would be a lot more likely with success if i slit my wrists. you always hear of people getting found after an overdose and getting saved.). but really, it sounded quite good. and while we're on the subject of my new checklist of things: had 3 panic attacks tuesday night, in the span of 4 hours. two were while i was in a theatre, in between two people who i don't know, watching a play that has become notorious of fucking with my head (by the way, it's amazing. i wish everybody could see it. then again maybe some people aren't into expressionism as much as i am). didn't help that i'd been "manic" (i use the term loosely) for the previous 24 hours. so, after freaking out indoors, i practically ran out of the theatre and started walking, thinking that would help. it didn't. proceeded to go back to room, alienate boyfriend, cut off all possibilities of anyone getting a hold of me, and have 3rd panic attack. and i must say, i wasn't really expecting it. considered throwing out 4 months yet again, realized that i still didn't have razor blades, spent another hour on bus, and then cried myself to sleep.

um, and now i realize that everyone's run away. everyone being the 2 people that read this. hm. that's ok.

what to say... so i'm miserable at school. came home for the weekend, don't really know why now that i'm here. maybe i thought that i wouldn't feel that i'm dying in this house. didn't really think that one through. it's kind of funny, now that i think of it. 2 different people, emerging at totally random times, just to make me thoroughly confused and make it so i can't make any decisions or plans at all. case in point: kristin 1 wants to transfer to unm, be with friends, get out of this shit, get into theatre, and have a chance at living/being happy. kristin 2 wants to cut herself off from everyone, break up with bf so he won't have to put up with her, stay at nmsu, stay miserable, drag my way through the next 4 years and at the same time fill my arm and hip with scars. now, on any given day kristin 1 and kristin 2 can switch off one to oh, say, five, six times. having a good day means staying with one personality consistently the whole day. so, depending on the moment, i can make up a plan for my future, and then totally contradict that plan. back and forth and back and forth and it's really amazing that i get done what i get done. i'm honestly amazed that i haven't ditched class. wait... i'm not, because that would mean that i would end up getting something less than an A in class.

fuck. me.

now, all that being said, you can imagine why i haven't been so keen on posting lately. because do you really want to hear this type of shit again and again and again... i mean, i could go on, but i realize i've already said too much. which is a funny thing in and of itself.

ah, but the matter at hand. i'm, how shall i say... quite convinced that i will not have the support of my parents in the "plan" of transferring to unm. which, you know, i could still do. i mean i have money, i have a promised job, i can get loans... but the thing is (oh and i just love this one), my parents have successfully planted a seed of doubt in my mind. and let's just say that the plant produced by that seed will be a weedy kind. the fucking thing just won't go away. (fatal flaw of living in this house and voluntarily coming back: this kind of shit happens all the time. somehow i keep thinking things will be different now. how sadly wrong i was). and so, with that said, i'm at a quite interesting conflict. it seems that kristin 1 and kristin 2 have now temporarily merged. they're kind of both starting to agree with each other.

i don't know. seriously, i'm just as surprised when my mood changes as everyone else. i don't know who i'll be tomorrow or even the next hour. i'm not sure about anything. and yes, i do mean anything.

you don't understand that. then again, you don't have to.

fuck it

it's always good to feel that you are an intelligent person.

although, it is not good when you feel infinitely superior to a person who is supposed to be your counselor.

now how to get out of the next appt...

i won't do this to you anymore.

i'm going back to my old self.

i'm sorry.