so help me jesus

ah yes, and the song that is a song. and now i have the whole toadies album on my mac. which i'm typing on now. ah, if people only knew.

happy pagan sun god feast day turned "jesus' birthday" by constantine so he could keep both gods! but that's a different story. i'm not into that sort of stuff anymore, but jesus was one cool kid. word to outcasts of society.

but anyway.

no one posts anymore! and yes i'm more than guilty of this, i blame long hours at work not being able to do anything but look at cnn on the net (when i'm on the net). that and the usual weirdess that is/has been me. but hey, more extreme ups than downs lately, which should be good...

the reason i'm posting is to exclaim the awesomeness of programmers yet again. i mean, what other geeks can do something like this... i mean i think that's just awesome. picture compliments of ernie, the local blogosphere webdev that i check out.

anyway. again.

sent my powerbook off to get fixed on wednesday of last week, got it back at 11am that friday, fixed. holy crap batman, apple even rocks when they're sending packages! and the best part is i don't have to spend money on it, since it was a non-recall recall. i have to check my battery's serial number again to see if i actually did get in on that other recall. but it's all good, seeing as how i only had to use the windows pc for 2 days.

watching all of the blade movies in the last 2 days makes me want to fish out my unused vampire fangs (the good ones this time) and make ipod playlists. even though i don't have an ipod. hot vampires == goooood. which reminds me, i haven't done any programming in like four weeks. that's harsh. i still have 3 weeks of semester break, over which i must work, sign up for orientation/go to orientation, be creative and make some art, and torment people about getting piercings. so much to do, so little time to procrastinate. i have next week off though...

maybe i'll hang around here some more in the coming days. who knows with this one. see you people when i see you. and remember, don't piss off the flying elephants. by the time you hear the big fwooping sound of their wings, it's already too late.

old revelations haunting like ghosts

no big surprise here. home for five days and the same tiredness, same frustration, same aches and sleeplessness.

i can't get by like i used to... i don't really know who i am anymore, who i'll become, who i want to be. everything should work like it's supposed to. people should be helpful and friendly, people should care. and i don't care anymore. after being enthusiastic about everything imaginable, life, love, school, the future... i'm back at the beginning. everything seems so unreal except this is reality, this is how it's been for years and it's not going to change just because you need it to. clear everything out, throw it all away. why keep things on your walls and tables if they're just material crap that mean nothing. i guess they meant something for a brief second, but now everything is just not right again. all birthday presents laying on the floor untouched. i haven't taken pictures in months, and i don't know if i ever will again. you stop doing the things you love, one by one they slip away and you don't care if they go... things fade and you let them go because being enthusiastic has gotten you burned every single time. i don't even care if something's wrong. everything's wrong. nothing's wrong. nothing changes anyway.

when you're young and naive you want to change the world. you want to help people and become something. now you just want to survive doing what will hopefully make you happy.

there's so much that i know, so much information, just tucked away for those few times that someone is willing to listen. but everything is wasted when you're looking for ways to get out. i'm tired of being let down time after time after time, always. and i answer 567 questions just to be told exactly what i know, like it's supposed to be a revelation that will kick me out of this. it's just a waste of time and energy. that'll all be the same, and i could try time after time, but the outcome will be the same. i can help others, but i can't be helped. at least i don't see how anything can help. there's no trauma, no damage, just there, and how can i compete with anyone? the irrationality of rationality. things make sense, things don't make sense. i'm confused past the point figuring things out anymore. and now i live my life purposely giving myself and other people an out. if you work and get money, you can pay back your parents for the year that you've wasted. if you taper off talking to people, it'll be easier to disappear. encourage your significant other to hook up with other people so when you end it they can keep on living life like that was never a bump in the road. i know my motives are fucked up, but until people show me otherwise, this is the way my life will be. so who am i? honestly, i'm not sure. i don't know. i can't be here, but i can't be anywhere else. there's a countdown that's started, i don't know exactly when, or what exactly it's counting down to, but i'll know when i get there.

bored 2

do this before reading the below. maybe.

take my quiz and then check out the scoreboard!

yes i stole it. from brian and kyle. this shows you how extremely bored i was. and the questions are really really bad too. so, yeah.

ps. this is an attempt to see who actually reads this thing anymore. since, you know, comments are a thing of the past i guess.

bored

001) What time did you start this? 4:20pm
002) Name? kristin
003) Date of birth? 11/06/85
004) Sex? f
005) Height? 5'6", even though on my driver's license it says 5'10"
006) Eye color? dark brown
007) Weight? 135 i think... maybe 140... depends on if i gained any weight from my "i don't really want to eat more than a meal or two a day" binge a month or so ago
008) Location? las cruces, nm, for another 5 days
009) Where were you born? espanola, nm
012) Do you have crush on someone? sure
013) Do you have a bf/gf? amazingly yes
015) How long have you been together? honestly no idea
016) What are you wearing right now? blue/black striped tube top, black pants, and a jacket type thing (it's raining)
017) Would you have sex before marriage? isn't this pretty much a religion based question? yes
018) Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers? no, i can safely say i have not
019) Are you a virgin? no
020) Do you smoke? no
021) Do you drink? no, reasons being that 1) i'm sick enough as it is and 2) i like to stay in control of myself as much as possible
022) Are you ghetto? no
023) Are you a player? no...
024) What are your favorite colors? blue, black, and grey. in that order.
025) What is your favorite animal? kitty
026) Do you have any birthmarks? yes
027) Have you ever gotten your ass kicked? no. i was a scrappy fighter
028) Who are your best friends? 3 or 4 people. not quite sure as of late
029) Have you ever beat someone up? i think it's called self defense
031) Have you ever been slapped? a couple times
032) Do you get online a lot? just about every second that i'm not in class or eating
033) Are you shy or outgoing? shy. not so much shy anymore, more like tired... but i'm working on it
034) Do you shower? yeah
035) Do you hate school? actually, yes, i do
036) Do you have a social life? no. none at all. honestly.
037) How easily do you trust people? i've gotten a lot better on the whole trust thing, so a lot more than ever i'd say
038) Have you ever lied to your best friends? i don't think i have. of course i don't remember half of the things i tell people or half of the things i hear, so i don't really know
039) Do you have a secret people would be surprised knowing? i think i've pretty much outed all my secrets in the past year
040) Would you ever sky Dive? sure.
041) Do you like to dance? i actually do like to dance. when i'm awake...
068) Have you ever been out of state? like 3 times. wait this goes from 41 to 68? wtf?
069) Do you like to travel? depends on how you define "travel"
071) Have you ever been suspended from school? no i'm too much of a suck up
072) Do you want to get out of your hometown? not really. then again i don't really have a hometown
073) Are you a brat? no
074) Have you ever been dumped? not yet
076) What's your favorite drink? milk. then orange juice. coffee is good too.
077) Do you like Snapple? never had it
078) Do you drink a lot of water? nope. almost none. it's amazing i haven't been in the hospital for dehydration...
079) What toothpaste do you use? why does it matter...
080) Do you have a cell phone or pager? yes
081) Do you have a curfew? i think i have an informal curfew for work. but i've always broken any curfews i've had
082) Who do you look up to? people who love life
083) Are you a role model? i hope not
085) What name brand do you wear the most? victoria's secret. hey, it's the truth.
086) What kind of jewelry do you wear? earrings, bracelet, choker, anklet
087) What do you have pierced? 3 pair lobe piercings, 1 pair helix/cartilage piercings, used to have my vch but i lost it due to not checking the tightness of the jewelry. i have such a bad piercing itch right now though...
088) What do you want pierced? lip (left side/bottom), eyebrow, vch maybe, thinking about dermal punching for another pair of cartilage rings... but actually i want labret studs in them so cartilage... piercings... punches...
089) Do you like taking pictures? yes
0090) Do you like getting your picture taken? i do now. there are almost no pictures of me in the last 6 years. i want a good picture!
091) Do you have a tan? no. i'm not supposed to anyway
092) Do you get annoyed easily? depends on my mood
093) Have you ever started a rumor? only for the purpose of seeing how fast something can get around school (which turned out to be less than a day). let's play the mono game!
094) Do you have your own phone/phone line? cell phone. but i never talk on phones anyway
095) Do you have your own pool? no
096) Do you have any siblings? yes
097) Do you prefer boxers or briefs? boxers. or boxer-briefs.
098) Have you ever been played? i don't think it counts as "played" if you intend to be used
099) Have you ever played someone? no
100) Do you get along with your parents? for the most part yes
102) How do you vent your anger? i don't. apparently it's a huge problem. and they said something like i'm in denial about my anger... blah blah blah
103) Have you ever run away? amazingly no
104) Have you ever been fired from a job? nope
105) Do you even have a job? yes. i start work again in 9 days
106) Do you daydream a lot? if i'm not paying attention, i'm daydreaming
107) Do you have a lot of ex’s? no. no chance to have an ex
108) Do you run your mouth? no
109) What do you want a tattoo of? the heart mantra, "love" in sanscrit, i like stars but they're a bit overdone...
110) What do you have a tattoo of? nothing. apparently i have really bad timing.
111) What are your favorite flowers? cala lilies (black roses rock too...)
112) What does your ex bf/gf look like? n/a
113) What does your most recent crush look like? johnny depp.
116) Are you rude? no
117) What was the last compliment you received? something along the lines of i'm awesome... from bryan so yeah
118) Do you like getting dirty? no. not at all.
119) Is your bellybutton an innie or outie? outie
120) Are you flexible? i'm getting there. i'm gonna take yoga next semester
121) What is your heritage? 3/4 spanish, 1/4 german
123) What does your hair look like right now? long, straight, the same it's been for roughly 6 years
124) Could you ever be a vegetarian? no. never.
125) When was your last real heartbreak? not quite sure...
126) Describe your looks? plain jane. who likes black.
127) If you had to completely dye your hair it'd be what color? completely: red or black. partially: blue or red in the front
128) Would you ever date someone younger than you? sure
129) Would you ever date someone older than you? sure
130) When was the last time you were drunk? never. and i intend to keep it that way
131) When was the last time you went on a date? last friday?
132) Would you rather give or receive oral sex? receive, of course
133) Have you ever given? yeah
134) Have you ever received? yeah
135) Have you ever had an eating disorder? i think i stopped it before my eating behavior became more than questionable.
136) Do you have one now? nope
137) How many rings until you answer the phone? if i'm going to answer the phone: 2
138) Have you ever been skinny dipping? i don't really remember
140) Do you look more like your mother or father? neither. but i do look like my cousin
141) Do you cry a lot? yes
142) Do you ever cry to get your way? never
143) If you had to amputate one limb, what would it be? none. oh, left pinky toe. but i think that's a digit and not a limb...
144) What phrase do you use most on the phone? uh-huh...
145) Are you the romantic type? yes...
146) Have you ever been chased by cops? no. i value the fact that i'm not an idiot
147) What do you like most about your body? most? nothing really
148) What do you like least about your body? shaving. honestly, i hate it.
150) When was the last time you threw up? i can't remember
151) In the opposite sex, do you prefer blondes or brunettes? red heads of course. then brunettes.
152) What do the shoes you last wore look like? grey new balance
153) Do you ever wear shirts to show your belly? no. all belly showing is completely unintentional.
154) What about cleavage? actually i have a shirt that i wear specifically because it gives me cleavage.
155) Is your best friend a virgin? ha, ha ha ha. i don't think any of us have any morals about that kind of thing.
156) Have you ever fucked someone up? in what context...
157) Have you ever been fucked up? i want to say yes but in what context...
158) What color are your underwear right now? grey. (c'mon. there was a 1 in 3 chance you would've guessed it anyway. am i right?)
159) What theme does your room have? none.
160) What size shoe do you wear? 10ish
161) What jewelry are you wearing now? earrings
162) What is your screen name on AIM? pyro1065
163) Would you pick a wedgie in public? aren't girls used to that sort of thing wearing thongs...
164) How are you feeling right now? tired. and sick. i'm still coughing. but my throat almost doesn't hurt at all anymore!
165) When was the last time you were at a party? does august count?
166) Have you ever given a lap dance? i think i might have. can't remember...
167) What do you sleep in? pajamas (spaghetti strap top and shorts)
168) Has there ever been a rumor spread about you? considering everyone still thinks i'm a lesbian...
169) What is one of your bad qualities? depression
170) What is one of your good qualities? good listener
171) Would you marry for money? depends on how low i am at the time
172) What do you drive? honda civic (standard)
173) Are you more of a mama or daddy's child? neither... i'm kind of an anomaly...
174) When was the last time you cried in school? you know, i totally made it through 13 years of school just to be conned out of a good cry at senior retreat. damn them for getting me on one of my overly sad days.
175) Do you wear Chucks? no
176) For two million dollars, would you pose for Playboy? of course
177) What time are you finishing this? 5:12 pm

fall into winter

leaves all over the ground. bright green. yellow. red. piles and piles and you wade through them as you go to class. big fluffy pillows, and if it wasn't so cold you'd want to lay in them and imagine a time when things were innocent, the laughter was pure, and every day was exciting. watching the moon out from behind grey clouds while driving back to a place that seems so unfamiliar. getting lost in the stars and the perfect shades of grey, the light off the moon and remembering how you look in that moonlight. feeling good and alive and even police officers with too much time on their hands won't get you down. singing at the top of your lungs because you can, words that are so chilling yet so perfect at the same time. crying every night again, but it's back to a release instead of just something that will prolong that feeling of nothingness, the darkness and the cold, hunger and confusion. maybe it's gone on holiday.

and so many babies! little buddha and beautiful girl, just right where they're supposed to be. one with so much energy and already such personality, the other still feeling out the world, but making everyone else smile anyway. and then another one come yesterday. so small and so fragile, she couldn't wait to see the world. but she's got something that tells me she'll stick around. and she gets to be in an incubator like me, except i came right on time. the babies! i fear babies and all that they hold. a new life in the world, a thing that at times seems so beyond my grasp. and what if i hurt it? there's so much that comes into play when you're responsible for the creation of a person. i fear them. but they are beautiful little creatures... especially when they smile.

and more rushing and doing unwanted things. sometimes it turns out well, other times not so well. a feeling of wanting to be safe totally corrupted by the knowledge of danger. knowing i need to be safe, safe from myself, and finding it in the arms of a love. falling asleep knowing with absolute certainty that i am loved, and knowing that one day i will be better. and try to carry that through.

times are different, and yet so much the same. i don't know people anymore, although i think others know me better now, if at all. we all have so much, so much, and i take it all for granted. every single piece of it. if you really think of what you have, what life is, every little thing. cold milk. clouds. turning fall leaves. falling leaves. water. hugs. smiles. understanding. fire. that feeling after focusing completely on your form in martial arts. that little flutter in your stomach when someone says "i love you".

there's so much to look forward to. so much. i don't know why i can't always see that, or why i sometimes want to get away from it. but things happen. optimistic? not exactly. just... ok.