what do i have to be to make you stay

i think i broke last night.

old memories come haunting me like truths that i keep trying to run away from. streams of tears cloud my vision and i think i'm in some dream state. not really there... this isn't really happening. and it's like i'm swimming in some body, disconnected from everything around me. but i have to make everything right, even if i'm exhausted, even if i'm miserable, even if i hate myself for what i do. i'm not worth making demands. i can't say listen to me, be with me for once. i can't make myself be happy. i don't know how to be... ok with being somewhere i don't want to be. i'm too confused again.

will you please just stay with me...

peather fillow

torki tiches

life out of the corner of your eye

sometime during the early evening the realization hit me: it has been one year since i graduated. for the first time in my life, i can remember almost the exact events that happened a year ago (all the way from may 1st to when i left for state in august). i can remember what i did every single day of this week a year ago too: sunday was daivd and kyle's graduation party, i drove for pretty much the first time in my civic, and stalled pretty much every time that i had to try and get started from first gear. monday i had to put together some kind of speech for senior awards that night, ended up writing an intro paragraph and then getting my brother to write what i figured i was trying to say. tuesday graduation, after graduation dinner, and then the after afterness in where no one called me about parties/get togethers after i specifically asked them to (but in all honesty it worked out for the best...). wednesday i attempted to dye irena's hair red, thursday go into santa and find a party going on at kat's, get thoroughly depressed, have an episode, and cut for the second to last time ever (to date that is). friday go into town shop for shorts/skirts, meet up with irena, go get my hood pierced (and she her nose), paula and samantha's graduation party, more party at kat's house, spend the night with alex. saturday get my computer (wonderful).

i have never, ever been able to remember a time as well as now.

big things. big, big things happening before and after graduation. i was thinking today, while driving home from work (it's that time again boys and girls, the dreaded 40 hour work week), that i was more afraid last year at this time that i am now. and then i had to promptly correct myself because i was actually not very afraid at all a year ago. school had just ended, i had almost no responsibilities anymore (except work), and i was getting into a relationship. i had almost nothing to lose. and now... it's not that i have a great deal to lose, it's that i have almost nothing to gain if things go wrong.

bah.

finished the semester. didn't have any time to rest and unwind, back into work and remembering after two days how much i dislike being in los alamos, hoping that by the end of this week i won't be only wanting to work there part time (or not at all). i haven't seen my best friends in forever, and i don't know if i ever will. but i still have my love, and i still have at least a glimmer of hope for the upcoming present.

i don't know if i understand what i'm thinking...

bare walls

i don't know why i'm back on here except that i felt some need to type. long day of sleeping, and i'm still tired. and i know why i slept and why i still need to sleep, but i still feel like such a failure to even get out of bed and do anything today. eleven whole hours to study and program, and i don't think i'll do much of anything for more than an hour, if that. it feels like another of those bad weeks where i just don't care and my grades take a plunge because of it. i keep on reminding myself that if i'm happy then grades don't matter at all. if i was 4.0 and miserable it wouldn't even be worth it because i'd be so messed up nothing would matter. the trade off sucks, considering my past, but it's something that i have to live with now. i am not going to obsess over something that in the end won't really matter. can't even obsess over money anymore since can't get any scholarships, just have to keep up a 2.5 overall, and if i can't even do that then something bigger is wrong.

i'm in a huge cuddly stage and am being very unfulfilled in that area. which is more than reasonable since i feel like cuddling every moment of the day now. i saw american beauty for the first time last night and cried. my blood tests came back. they say i'm fine. i officially give up on doctors... which is sad because now that means that everything really is in my head. i have this primal urge to refuse to go to a therapist/psychiatrist. it's not even a question in my head, just someone says go and my mind spits out "no". i just don't want to get burned again by doctors who don't understand me. i don't want to be put on medication that will kill the few highs that i get. but i think most of my relationships are hinging on this whole me going thing. aren't breakdowns the kind of thing you're supposed to get out of your system when you're still in highschool? it's a year later and i still feel the same, except maybe less energetic with the highs. and i never burn anything anymore. it's been such a long time... so much to burn but it's like the fire has mellowed out with me. i want to go back to berkeley and walk through the eucalyptus forest and lay on the grass and hang out on telegraph. and then i want to ride in cars with my friends in santa fe for the entire day, hang out and eat and watch movies and just be us again. and i keep saving money for some silly reason even though i still don't see myself living past college. and i want to make things. and read books. and i want to visit las cruces even though every time i think about it it makes me cry. i don't want a roommate next semester (who can handle me?). i want to be able to stay me even if that means sleeping all day. six months in eight days. i did it only twice in all of last year. more out of guilt than strength. but i guess that's still good, it's what everyone wanted.

things are... different.

end of an era

cory left the band almost a month ago. i didn't find out until just now when i finally went to the site to check it out for the month. cory left and i didn't even know.

they have more kids, not that that's necessarily something i should be keeping up with in the first place. but a lot's happened in the five years since i first stumbled upon them. families and growing up always seems to kill rock bands.

but they're not dead, wanting to record this summer (yeah, like we haven't heard that one before).

brandin, rex, fletcher. three left.

i never even got to see all of them play live.

i haven't listened to tarantula a fraction of the times i listened to whta. but i still have all 5 cds.

this is just weird. when flickerstick is gone, who will come after to fill the void?

(brandin, i still maintain that your voice sounds like an angel's in the right moments)

that is all. back to programming.