fall to pieces

weeks and weeks and weeks, days pass by and all of a sudden you realize that things are never going to be the way they were. you spend too much time thinking and opportunities pass, the things that you really want pass.

how ironic.

everything is new and old at the same time. i've been spending my time thinking of the next year and a way to get out of this place forever, seeing as how i feel so much... worse... when i'm in this house. but of course i'm just setting myself up for disappointment yet again.

why don't i just stick to my almost-rules. so far, in the past six years, i've created three (or two, considering which way you look at it) rules. and i've stuck to them, no matter how hard they've been at times. i have to set up base guidelines for myself, or else i wouldn't be here. one, two, three done. four... now that's the near breaking point. the possible four was set up so that i wouldn't have to break one through three. it's ok more than not now, but i don't know what's going to happen in the next months. it's just this thing hovering over me, and it'll never go away, not really. i can't be around you forever. and when i can't drink, when i can't take drugs, when i can't entertain the idea of killing myself, and i can't even cut to get rid of everything, what then? when no one's around for the backup-backup, what then? ... if i can't abuse myself... would i get someone to do it for me... i was edging on that as a backup-backup before. if i couldn't take control over me like i used to, i would let someone else do it. "use me, abuse me, do anything you like".

why do i have to go there. but i do. some things will always seem too good to be true. i've analyzed myself before, over-analyzed. i know why i do what i do. i know that i shouldn't. i know i have irrational thoughts, but sometime irrational thoughts are the most rational ones. i'm aware of all these things, but it's like learning how to live all over again.

the past few days have had the two extremes right after each other, every day. maybe that kind of confusion is what's getting me down. that, and everything else.

i'm not scared, i just don't want to let anyone down.