the way you look tonight

i had forgotten how easily i could switch moods, going from indifferent to angry and frustrated to elated back to that familiar empty moments feeling. and all about things that aren't. i always wondered and enjoyed how i could conjure up emotions from fictional situations, and share feelings that people around me are experiencing. i've always been more for empathy than sympathy.

and the same kind of wonder. i drove home more reckless than usual, knowing that i wouldn't be able to do what i want, spend every moment possible with the people i love before everyone laves... i drove home and i created this fictional situation in my mind of one year later, when people get back from their new lives. a situation where i was broken, so i could feel how it was and be ready for it. because i haven't done that in two months. because ever since getting out of the "high school life" i've been hopeful. optimistic. thinking that i can survive, i can be successful, i can live my life on my own terms and be happy.

but why. i feel like i'm straddling two worlds, one that is everything i've ever hoped for in life, and the other everything i've been used to and have always thought my life would be like. and i've been saying that i'm not scared. not anxious. i think i believe it. but i know a part of me is still scared out of my mind and doesn't want to believe that things are getting better. that things can get better. it's a gradual thing, but i'm a lot farther along then i ever dreamed i would be.

and why is it that every time i walk into fallen angel i feel this complete sense of calm and security? and i love that feeling, of knowing what i'm talking about and actually being enthusiastic about this knowledge, not like some stupid thing i put all my energy into in school.

i had a moment of hesitance after i got home. thinking "am i sure?". is anyone ever sure about anything except love? i have the same reasons, and the same desire. but...

i have this dual picture in my head. a healthy, natural version, enjoying life and the light and everything pure, in the light sense. and the a dark, pierced, tattooed person who knows exactly who and where she is, exactly what she believes, and exactly where she's going. one soft, one sharp. one light, one dark. one optimistic, one pessimistic. and at times, they're both equally appealing. both equally me. and yet thinking about both at the same time thoroughly confuses me.

it's been two months.

it would have been two months for my hood piercing too, if i hadn't've neglected checking the secureness of the ball. sometimes i miss it, sometimes i don't. it's something i'll have to consider sooner or later i'm sure.

everything has to happen sooner or later.

i believe you now. everything that you always said, everything that i so desperately wanted to believe at the time, but just thought that nothing decent would ever happen to me. i believe you. and i'm sorry for all of the energy you might've felt you wasted on me at the time, and i thank you for never giving up on me. i've never said how much that helped me through the years, how much it meant to me. how much you did for me by just opening the door. and if there's anything i could ever do to help you...

i should talk to you about these things.

sometimes you don't see things until you look at yourself in the mirror.

a face in your dreams

sometimes things go where you never thought they could. you try and keep a hold on them, keep in control at all times so as not to get lost, but you can't keep up with everything all the time. and it's a mixed result. you're somewhere new and exciting, and yet everyone else can't be there with you. does anyone ever really want to go back to the way things were?

for the first time in a while, i have no idea what you're thinking. and it scares me just a little that i'm not worried about you, about how you are and how you'll be. everyone will go on and be just fine. and if not, well, what can you do.

i wrote an almost complete post yesterday. the problem with not posting it after it's written is that you look back on it later, and since you're not the same person you were yesterday, you don't see what you wrote in the same light. it's all just a little bit tainted. but i haven't deleted it, i don't delete posts or change the date on them, but i don't know if i can put it out there. it's just not... complete.

whoever said being yourself would be easy.

everything falls away

sometimes i wonder why i do any of this. seeing negative reactions from people, and oddly against everything i usually am i ignore them. there are certain things that i won't let other people touch in my life, won't let them corrupt or take away from me. power over the one thing that i have.

the moment i concede to someone else's wants of me, let them take away the only thing that's mine, is the moment that i cease to be.

and for as much as i feel that i'm over the one part of my life, i realize that i will never really be over it. i refrain now because why, because for once i'm bordering on ok. because i don't want to let other people down. and that's still the old mindset, doing things for other people instead of for me.

i stopped wearing safety pins as a bracelet. i stopped wearing my necklaces with the safety pin on it. i haven't needed it as a deterrant from cutting since school ended, but i still find myself thinking "do that again" when something accidentally scratches my skin.

and now instead of 9 piercings i'm back to 8. my own stupid fault probably, and it hadn't even been a full 2 months. i didn't miss it when it happened, but now... it's like i'm missing something that became a part of me. and sure, it didn't do much for me in the "functional" side, but i still liked being more... me. more in control of me.

and now it's july 17th, two weeks after the 3rd, a year and two weeks after i got my helix piercings, and about a year and three months after i first thought of my tattoo. and i still don't have it. what's the excuse now? i need the money for school. and really, when i think of what i need, money for school doesn't come before the tattoo.

i've already been told that i should transfer and go somewhere else. told by another person that i could go somewhere else. and i get the same look from the majority of other people... "she could've gone anywhere she wanted, why is she wasting her life at an in-state school?". but really, i didn't want to go anywhere. you can't go back and say "well i should've done this", because that would never happen. i never really dreamed of what i would be when i grew up, i never planned my wedding, i never thought of how my children would be, i never thought of college or high school. i never planned for anything to happen, so i never lived my life like it would. i never thought that i'd have to get past wanting to kill myself. i never thought that i would find writing, lose it, find it... i never thought that people would actually listen to me. i never thought that i'd ever be in a relationship that wasn't purely for instant gratification.

and yet...

life drifting by and we're back at the ending of the beginning

how many days do i have? i mean really, in everything you do, how much time. walking around in a haze and not enjoying the day. the feeling of warm sun on skin or a cool breeze. the way things look, a sunset, the moon, the mountains, little things, people, yourself. feeling the air rushing into your lungs and all of a sudden it hits you that the whole world is alive, that you're alive. sometimes we forget that we're alive. we get stuck in routines and jobs and unhealthy relationships and houses and cities that just suffocate us, and we forget about everything.

and it shouldn't be like that. we shouldn't have to do things we don't want to, be places that make us die inside. we should be able to wake up in the morning and take a deep breath and stretch out under the covers and just take our time. get out of bed because life is brilliant and awesome and we want to feel and see everything possible. every second should be an experience that we want to remember in one form or another. and think about it. how often does that happen? almost never. i can't remember waking up and wanting to be present with the day. things change, but they don't change enough to shake me out of this... fog. i have to make things change, but i always get intimidated by life. standing up for myself always creates these ripples, and somehow they always touch people i never wanted to include. somehow i'm convinced that if i'm really myself and speak my mind, do what i really want and go where i really want, it'll create this big hole, and a majority of people will disappear. but if people are really that critical, why would i want to associate with them? just because they don't understand and refuse to? it gets to a limit where i stop being understanding about them not being able to handle it.

life is what you make it, when you realize what it is. life? what is this thing except self-discovery and experiencing relationships and learning and feeling all we can and striving to make things better? what is this thing when you don't want to deal with it anymore, want everything to just stop? what is this thing that makes us take a look back and doubt everything we've come to believe? it hits you when you're least expecting it. driving home late at night. noticing something you've passed hundreds of times before. not feeling one damn thing, feeling everything as if it was amplified a hundred fold. laughing for no reason except that something deep inside you was so content and overjoyed that you had to laugh. something that's just on the edge of your memory that you can't get back no matter how hard you try.

and what happens when we do finally wake up? regret or joy? would we take life in our hands and make the most of it, making opportunities for ourselves and being who we really want to be, who we really are, without hesitation or fear. not everything has to be a means to an end. you could do everything that you feel and believe, if everyone else just let you.

i've been conveniently somewhere else for a while, mentally, physically, emotionally. letting others push me and set me on the paths that i've taken in life. what do i have to show for it? more than i could've imagined, in more ways than one. i've always thought too much over the years, over-analyzed everything. took every decision and jumped forward ten steps into the future before i ever made the decision, saw everything that could go wrong and in my mind would go wrong, and so i never did what i wanted. i've been letting other people live my life for me. i've done it for such a long time that it's hard stopping it now, even as much as i want to.

and i'm still here, as much as i predicted i wouldn't be years ago. and i'm glad. i have four people that i truly love, and that would be worth the world. it would be worth lifetimes over, just to be able to love. and i want to be able to spend every second in a state of contentment. i want to always feel safe, and know that no matter what life is worth something.

some people don't know that.