on present and future

tomorrow i have to turn in my course selection sheet, and hope that they don't fuck it up and give me some bad classes. i never realized how really terrible st. mike's is until this year. probably because of our new insane principal. but really, it is. we have no classes of worth. we're a college prep school, but in my opinion they try to make you suffer and fail more than prepare you for college. since we're a private school, and with generally a decent tuition ($4600? or is it already $4800? i know they keep upping it $200 each year), we don't have the opportunities that the public schools have. can't have more classes because that would mean more teachers and a bigger school, both of which the brothers don't have money for. oh yeah did i mention this is a catholic private school, started and still somewhat run by christian brothers? well, it is. anyway we can't have decent classes because we don't have the resources. we don't have a lot of decent teachers because they get paid less than public schools (and really who wants to live in new mexico and teach high school students of all things). hell we don't even have adults who care about us, now with br. richard (old principal) gone and dr. crazy in power.

oh, there are so many things wrong with our school. really really stupid things. but the really bad part is: this is new mexico, just about the worst state in the union. i'm pretty sure our school systems are ranked the worst (maybe ben you know some real statistics about this). so i can't even change schools to a good public one, because there is no decent public school in santa fe, or surrounding area where i live. so i just have to hang on for two and a half semesters before i graduate.

oh yeah and that's the other thing... we can't even graduate early. i probably would have fulfilled all my credits by now if i were in public school, and i probably would opt to graduate early and get the fuck out of this situation, but no, st. mike's doesn't allow people to graduate early. they have it set up in their credit system. and i only have to take 2 and 1/2 credits next year to have all of them, that means 3 classes one semester, 2 the next, but instead of letting me just take those 3 classes and then leaving to work or something, i have to have 6 credits so i can have a full schedule. "it's a closed campus, you can't not have a full schedule and leave early".

damn them.

so as it is, added onto my english, government/econ, and religion credits that i need to graduate, i'm signing up to take calc honors, physics, creative writing 1, sociology, and art 2. that is if they don't fuck up my schedule and sign me up for something like french 1 or service learning or humanities.

bah. as it gets closer to the play i get more irritable. bah. that's a totally different post, and i could go on and on and on about that.

not to get off track, but i really hate it when people (my parents) come up behind me when i'm on the computer, especially blogging. especially since i forbid my parents from reading my blog (i've never given them the address, never will, and i make sure that they can't find a way to get to it. the day that happens, you can shoot me). the ultimate invasion of privacy by your parents. at least for me it is.

boo hoo, life sucks, and i really don't want to get used to it.

let's try this again

ok. i don't think i'm gonna write a post as good as the one i stupidly deleted, but hey i'll try.

last week was not nice. not nice at all. one: i am becoming increasingly uncomfortable around people. any people. people in general.

b: all this thrashing me around is getting me to the point where i'm debating going on a vacation from that friendship. permanently. granted, i've needed to do this for about 4 months, but you know i go back and forth in emotions so much, it's a wonder i ever commit to anything. oh wait, i don't.

thirdly: the english nazi, the rat, the hormonal history woman... and adults in general. i've already explained why i dislike adults so much, but these people are by far the people i dislike the most. um, yeah that's enough for that one.

four: right now i'm really caring about what the hell i do with my life, and then my parents come in and treat me like i'm some kind of idiot. well fine then, why should i even bother. might as well get my g.e.d and get life over with. or die but that's a different post altogether.

e: i can't write, or verbally form sentences for that matter, for shit. i've noticed this becoming an increasing problem this year. i mumble a hell of a lot more than i used to. i do more of the whole start/finish a sentence in my head, saying the rest outloud, and then the people who i'm talking to think i'm insane. i think my hatred for english has translated itself into my vocabulary, because now i make up words and use them frequently in my conversations. claire gets it, and that's about it. sad thing is i think in nonsense words, and it makes perfect sense to me. for as much as i've tried to stop using profanity (especially goddamn it... you can't really take an atheist seriously when she constantly uses the phrase god damn it), it hasn't worked. i think i'm actually cussing more now. some times i know exactly what i want to say in my head, but when i open my mouth to say it, it disappears. that happens a lot. probably better for me though, since no one can understand what the hell i say anyway. as far as writing goes, i generally can't write for shit. i either can write how i can understand it (which i frequently do here, with the whole made up word things, non sentences, one word sentences, and probably any other stuff you can't understand when you read this blog), but then no one else can understand it, and i certainly can't turn it in and expect a decent grade. the other side is, try to write coherently, but then it takes me about half an hour to write 2 consecutive sentences. so yeah.

sixthly: i'm here complaining about my life when zander has cancer and could very well die. oh yeah, i never posted about that 'cause i was on a no-blogging diet. so yeah, like on the 13th we found out that zander has cancer. they already took out his pancreas and a few of his lymph nodes this week, so he's in the hospital resting up, before he starts treatment sometime this week or so. so yeah, that was a downer.

i had a whole post about this on friday, the epic one, before i highlighted the whole thing and pressed "c" instead of ctrl+c, and wiped it all out. i can't rewrite what was there, it takes too much brain power, and i don't have that this morning. i'll just say that you should stop by his place and check him out for yourself. he's got some guest bloggers on there since he's in the hospital, so check the bylines. and if you want to see some of the older stuff, go to his blogspot blog.

i bought shout: the very best of tears for fears on friday. listening to it now. music seems to make everything better.

today i have to memorize lines, burn a sound effects cd for my mother, and maybe i'll get out of my house and see daredevil. which means i probably won't.

i think i'm actually going to sign up for big t's creative writing class next year. it's really appealing to me right now, especially since i still have to fill up 2 semesters with electives.

i don't know. this last week was a no-blogging diet. maybe this week i'll do a no-talking week.

bah.

another testament to why i hate computers

majorly.

epic.

post.

and i just deleted the whole fucking thing.

serves me right for expressing my feelings outright.

an hour and a half writing a majorly epic, majorly great post.

about zander, no less.

why am i so freaking clumsy.

the perfect freaking end to a perfectly terrible day.

bejus in a handbasket

don't tell me this blog died too. i've been getting error 503 messages when i try to post for months now over at the other blog, but it's pissing me off that i'm getting them here now. and i look for an error 503 in the help section, and apparently it doesn't exist there. oh well maybe i'll have to move the blog again.

yesterday pretty much sucked. i don't know if it was because there's too many people at school, or the fact that they were ALL wearing red (i was too, but i kept my grey jacket on the whole day. in general, i hate the color red. it's too bright and flashy. and i don't think anyone should wear the color red. at least not frequently, and especially not everybody wearing it on the same day). or maybe it was that little thing that really pissed me off at the near end-ish of the school day. or maybe it's because i have 2 papers, a bunch of notes, and one whole act of lines to memorize by tuesday for homework this weekend.

all in all, i pretty much know that it wasn't because it was valentine's day.

so yeah. everything i said i was gonna do this week-- didn't get done.

now i'm tired. i'm debating going on a no-blogging diet for a week. i need to get some stuff straight in my head. that and the fact that i have all that homework to do.

i'll come back when i come back.

...pation

i think i'm gonna hold off on posting for a while. one: i actually need to do homework this week (and just because i need to do it doesn't mean i actually will), two: i need to memorize my lines or my mother will kill me, and three: i'm too tired and pissed off to post anything substantial.

valentines in a couple few days. oh joy. i think i'm gonna go on a chocolate binge and then probably be sick. for the whole weekend. maybe even next tuesday too. oh yeah and i'm thinkin, maybe i can just offhandedly sorta tell my parents that i'm not going to church. and when they ask why, i can tell them. and then jump in my car and spend the day drinking expensive coffee and buying black clothing.

ha. like i have any money.

oh yeah last thing: i find it so funny that when telemarketers call my dad, he tries to sell them something. yesterday it was our long-distance something or another. which doesn't do much for us because we use calling cards. and my dad always says "well if you can beat 3.4 cents a minute then we'll go with you." now this i'm used to hearing, but then i hear "yeah, at sam's club. you should really try it. it's really great. ...yeah, 3.4 cents a minute."

i blame all my sarcasm on my dad. everything i get from my dad's family, except that i look like my mom's family, and the whole mental instability-ish stuff definitely comes from my mom's family.

i'll probably post again on saturday. but satan is coming back, so i might be out the house the whole weekend.

mad world

i just finished watching donnie darko. definitely, definitely up there in the level that my mind is in. you know sometimes things make so much sense, that things are so completely clear that you wonder why everyone else bothers. why everybody else can't just get it. like, you find out the meaning of life, but everybody else just tries to bring you down. but you still feel kinda sorry for them, being so ignorant, knowing that they're wrong and yet, and yet feeling so alone. because you're the only one. you're the only one who knows. there might be someone out there who feels like you do, who thinks like you, who is you, but you'll still always be alone. because even if they know, they don't know, you know?.

"and i find it kinda funny, i find it kinda sad, the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had"

and it's so true. the time when you know everything, when you're completely sure about yourself, content with your life, there, in the moment, is when you know you're gonna die. it's the end, and even if you don't know it, deep down you're completely sure that it's the end. your soul knows it's the end. and it's content with how it all played out. totally fine with it all. and that, is the happiest that you'll ever be. now i know, you don't think that makes any sense, throwing scenarios at me like a violent death. but the thing is, you aren't connected to yourself. if you could feel yourself in the moment, if you could feel your soul in the moment, let your mind disconnect from the separateness of the world and merge with the oneness of the universe, you'd get it.

that movie brings up so many perfect thoughts, that all seem to validate what my mind has been saying for recent years. space time and thought are all one. emotions and the validity of the world around us. living our lives, and not being controlled by authority, be it ignorance or belief. living in the moment is the best thing you can do.

and i think the best stream of the movie: the only thing that matters in the end is your memories, the people that you have touched and the people who have touched you. we all play extremely significant parts in other people's lives. they would not be the people they are today if say, someone died. a life can change drastically in one small, seemingly insignificant action. it all goes with the universe theory. my theory. which is probably very similar to some other theories out there.

i should write a book.

i like it when i can think like this. sometimes i think these are the very moments that i live for. the moments when i figure it all out.

go check out the movie. donnie darko. tell me what you think about it.

see if it changes your life.

oh the antici...

so today in comp sci we signed up for free web hosting. the choices: geocities, angelfire, and tripod. i didn't want geocities, because i've already done that, and now i really want to actually build my own page, and not rely on WYSIWYG. that and it pisses me off that i can't get free ftp service. so that means no blog. damn geocities.

i didn't want angelfire because, well, frankly angelfire sites tend to piss me off. i don't know exactly why... it's just that whenever i go to an angelfire site and see that first pop up and then see all the little angelfire-related crap on it... well it sorta irks me. which leads to me getting pissed off.

so i decided to try tripod. why? well, as joe said, salazar uses tripod for the comp sci classes site, and it was pretty much my only alternative. i'm antsy to get started on it... put my blog on it (not this one, most definitely not this one) because it actually has ftp service, put links up and get it looking all nice and gothic. well not exactly gothic but you know it's gonna be black and grey, or maybe grey and blue and black... hmmm sounds a bit like this page doesn't it...

but i don't know what he wants us to do, if he wants us to just chill for a while or something. and really i don't know shit about how to actually build a nice looking site. i mean i can to basics (pretty much what you see on this blog and the other blog), and i can modify colors and fonts and stuff like that, but when it comes to actually making the tables... well let's just say it's taken me almost a year to get this far, and i won't be learning that stuff in a day. or a weekend. but maybe a weekend... if i spend all day on the net and read all my learn html stuff. but i'm still pretty html-stupid. not to mention all that other crap we'll learn about (javascripting? we need to know javascripting? but can't i just cut and paste it like i usually do?).

so yeah. tomorrow's friday. and then another weekend. ah the weekends, how i love you so. thinkin about getting those letters written this weekend... and maybe tell my parents of my heathen ways, if i'm brave enough. and have money and a full tank of gas, not to mention a house to stay at for a couple of nights...

hmmm... that's right. that's why i was gonna get a job, so i can get some ftp service and move to movable type so i can use spell check on the blog. apparently blogger's just a stepping stone, and according to some people it really sucks compared to movable type. and i don't disagree with them. that and i have to check out logjamming for hosting.

but that's like 2 years away. i mean, i have to learn how to build a website from scratch first. and that could take a while.

real life lessons

who says you have to go to school to learn important things? rather, you should just go on the internet to learn the stuff that will really help you in life... unlike english ap. that said, here's an awesome site: how stuff works. go there. i just learned how to pick a lock.

:-)

bah

good thing: lee at mass. bad thing: mass. good thing: free breakfast! bad thing: free breakfast with grams. good thing: internet! bad thing: a whole day at school setting up the stage.

damn today has been something. first, last night i felt like crap with a headache, which prompted me to not fall asleep till who knows when. i get up today at 7 and have to go to church. again. i was so close to telling them, but they've both been quite pissed off lately, so now is not a great time. adding on to church, we have to take gram with us. and then we have to go to breakfast at the knights with her. and wait for her. and get coffee spilled on me by her. thanks gram. i needed that. add on one extremely pissed off mom, and you've got my hell this morning. and now i have to go with them to santa to help put up the stage. fun. and you know every other time we've put up the stage it's been total hell, with my mom always being pissed off, which eventually leads to my dad being pissed off, which leads to them both treating me like shit. and of course i'm in pain afterwards because my knees are still messed up. oh the joy of what i have to look forward to.

and then i get on the net and alex scares me. which makes me want to go to her house and spend the day with her... but there's the whole stage thing i have to do. bah. the weekend that i was supposed to have to myself.

oh OH and to add to my morning: one of the deacons tells me after mass "i've got an application for you." "um, really?" "yeah, it's for search." now what the hell am i supposed to say to that? "oh sorry but i can't do it... i'm an atheist that just happens to still go to mass"?? no, of course not. so i managed to sputter out that drama club was going to take up all of my time. "even weekends?" "yes, even weekends."

bah i need to do this soon it's getting damn ridiculous.

ow

headaches suck.

so i finally gave in and got myself registered at blogrolling.com because i couldn't handle checking blogs every few hours to see if they've been updated (yes i'm on that much when i'm bored, which is always). that, and fixed the side a bit, links and such, took off zander's poll link because it ends in like 3 days, and changed it to a thanks box. all the stuff my blog has on it is pretty much due to those wonderful sites that let you use their stuff for free. it's amazing.

and now i'm gonna go eat and then lay down. damn my head hurts.