my calling

so i was going to actually do some work, or go over my lines one last time, when i turned on the tv and started watching queen of the damned. one of the movies that i said i would never see. but you know, the thing with that is that i forgot it was about vampires, and gothic stuff, and really good music, and a really great story. one of the things that hits me sometimes, when i'm watching movies. when they get it right, they just hit it right on the head. directly. exactly. more than just fiction, more than just scifi, more than just a story... it's real. and i know that you people (most) think i'm a freak, and think that everything that's a fairytale is fiction, and yet... and yet it just feels so right. yes, i believe in ghosts (but i don't like to call them ghosts). yes, i believe in magic (or magik, if you prefer). yes, i believe in the really freaky supernatural. i believe in the obscene and fantastic. i believe that people can really change things drastically. i believe in a lot of things, yet i don't believe in god. i have no use for god. the world has no use for god. i just can't get it. but despite all of this, i still can't believe in vampires... at least not yet.

i believe in the power to move someone by music. i believe in the power of emotion. i believe in the power to control someone's mind. i believe in the power that can really fuck up the whole world... and i believe that the people who hold that power have better things to do with their time than plot to fuck up the world. i believe in the power of the earth. i believe in the power of fire. i believe that the person who could tap into the universe could let their mortal body fall away, and exist for eternity as everything, the one thing that existed before all things, as all things. i believe that buddha is one of these people. i believe that only in this state is time travel possible. i believe in death, and rebirth, and immortality, and the fact that people can't get this makes me feel alone.

despite of all my beliefs, i still have not found a loophole for loneliness. because it does matter. not a lot of things in this world matter, but if i could list them, that which cannot be searched for would be number one.

... epic thought makes me feel as if i'm doing something right. out of all the stuff that i mess up every day and will be regretting my life, one second of epic thought makes up for it. all of it, except for one thing.