why are you such a headcase?

so for everyone who has absolutely no idea what the whole squirrel thing is, go here. but don't say i didn't warn you.

i don't know what's up with me this week. it's been a really odd week. for one, i think my hypochondria is making my head think that i have more symptoms (of anything), or maybe i really do have symptoms and something really is wrong with me. the thing that sucks about knowing (or rather thinking) that i'm a hypochondriac is that i know that i'm overreacting whenever i feel like something's wrong with me, but i'm still a hypochondriac so i think that something really is wrong with me. well hopefully on monday i will get this whole thing sorted out. probably i'll just get the same thing from my dr. though, saying that i'm perfectly fine, and that everything that i know is feeling wrong with me, well it could never happen. like how i couldn't really get sick every other month when i'm on my period because i only have one ovary. no... that could never happen. not like anyone else has ever HAD THIS HAPPEN TO THEM for the doctors to analyze and find out that yeah maybe it really does fuck up a girl to take one of her ovaries out when she's six weeks old. bah. sorry, i always get pissed off when i think about that issue. i'd rather them have taken them both out. would've saved a lot of trouble.

i'm the only freak that would sit at the computer with headphones on, but forget to start playing the cd.

since this post's title is the topic for tonight's rant (this is an actual quote too. daivd: "kristin, why are you such a headcase?" and he sounded pretty serious about it), i might as well keep on ranting about all the other things that make me... slightly off. like i've always had this thing with my memory. seems that it's pretty bad. ever since i was little, i couldn't remember directions or messages, what i did that day, what people just said to me. man that was hell, being yelled at because they thought i was really being a little smartass to them, that i didn't really "forget". but you know it sucks even more when they're yelling at you and you have no idea why, because you seriously cannot remember what you were supposed to do. sometimes i think that it's other people that are off... that they didn't really tell me to do something or to remember something, that they just think that they told me, because i honestly can't remember. so if you can't remember something for the life of you, it must've never really happened, right? except that i know that they're probably right, that they really did tell me to do something and i just... forgot. but then it gets just really out of hand, when i forget something important. like what i just did with whatever i was holding. i did that last night, and it scared the shit out of me. i was holding a paper of the history project in my hands, and then i went to type something up on the computer and realized i was just holding something, but it's not there now. and i have no idea where it went. same with keys. or anything important that you really wouldn't want to lose. and i go back and look everywhere that i could've walked and put it down, 'cause that's what i've done since forever when this happened ("oh you lost it? but you were just holding it! fine then go backwards through everything you've done until you find it. what do you mean you can't remember what you just did?!). and when i can't remember what i just did, when i look through the whole house and don't find it, when i start getting really anxious and tear apart my room to try and find what i lost, and still don't find it, well i start to think that i really am crazy. that i don't just forget things, i forget my mind. i lost my mind.

don't laugh. this shit has really fucked me up. this is the number one main reason why i'm so deathly terrified to get a job. because i won't remember to do something, and then they'll fire me and i'll still have no idea why, because i just forget so damn much. that's why i get so hurt when we're at school and i ask did we have any homework, and they tell me yes we did, but they're lying, but i don't know that they're lying, because i seriously cannot remember if we had homework or not.

i'd like to say that it's gotten better, that i don't forget a lot anymore, but the truth is that it's just as bad. i've just learned to cope with it more. i write down whatever people tell me to do, or make them write a very specific note telling me what to do. it works... when i don't forget where i put the note.

one thing down. what's next. fear of being around a lot of people? hmmm... well, i don't like being touched. honestly, if you aren't one of my friends (alex kyle david... um yeah) i really don't like you touching me. i especially have this thing with my family members touching me. like hugs. a pat on the back. that trying to console you thing that people do when they put their hand on your shoulder. and holding hands. i cannot stand to hold my family members' hands. i don't know... probably comes from all the... little abusive things my brother used to do to me, and the fact that my family constantly acted like they "loved" me, when i could tell they didn't really care. you know, useless hugs. on that subject, i have a real big problem when people throw around i love you's like they're a greeting. those words hold power, meaning. i only said them once for the first time really this weekend, and that's because i really meant it, and i wanted them to know it. so anyway. yeah, that's another thing. there are days, when my head's really messed up, times that would usually throw me into an anxiety attack, when i can't stand anyone at all touching me. like i don't like brushing people's shoulders in the hall. it's just too much noise in my head.

which probably explains why i like dark, solitary places so much. oh yeah and about that. i don't like being outside/in the sun because it hurts my eyes. a lot. no, i actually am not afraid of the sun like casey. i feel sorry for the poor girl, being that she has to spend spring break in florida. for her sake i hope it's overcast the whole time.

the random thoughts thing. i've already said a few times in this blog that i have a thing with starting a thought in my head, and finishing it out loud, or vice versa. i have also said that most of the time i say things and people have no idea what the hell i'm talking about. a lot of the times it's because of the whole starting/finishing stuff in my head. a lot of the times it's just because i think of really weird things, that seem completely normal to me. for example, i was thinking in my head... yesterday? anyway i was thinking of how great it would be to know that we were all going to die (the whole war bomb thing), because you could do everything that you ever wanted, like tell everyone your true feelings (and i could jump him and not regret it), and i said this out loud... "it would be great if we knew that we were all gonna die", and mrs. jansen, kyle, and david just looked at me like i was a looney. i didn't bother explaining all that i thought in my head, everything that made perfect sense to me, because automatically jansen started doing that whole "oh that would never happen" thing. like i was worried about it. i think that is the one thing that i am definitely not worried about. anyway yeah.

and the other "why am i such a headcase" thing that i've actually been thinking a lot about lately... i have this thing where i don't think i'm good enough for people. well actually i don't think, it's an actual thing that comes up a lot for me. i am not worth it. ever. now i could go all third person and analyze myself (which i do pretty well, yet i almost never listen to myself), or i could just talk about this in plain terms of how i feel. i feel that i really am not worth people caring about me. i mean what have i ever done for them? really, what have i ever done? sure, yeah i really care about them a lot, but why on earth should they feel the same for me. i'm horrid. i don't really seem to value my life, what i've been given, my freedoms, my education. anything. i always think about why am i alone all the time, instead of thinking what can i do to make their lives better. it's always about me, and it's never about me.

[rant] nothing is ever about me. i never get what i want. i'll never get what i want, so why should i even bother? he already got everything, so why should i expect to get anything. i'm always second choice, in anything. and i'm almost ok with that. what the fuck is wrong with me that i'm ok with that? i know that i'm going to end up going to state, because i never get anything i want, because i don't want what i want. the defiant child. you weren't going to give it to me? fine, i didn't want it anyway. time after time i've done that. i still do that. hell i just did that today. you won't take me to the doctor? fine, i'm not sick. it doesn't matter that i'm deathly terrified that i might be really terribly sick, and could die, no. you have something more important to do. everything is always more important than me. when was i ever first importance? when i broke my wrist. when i had horribly bad cramps that sunday and couldn't go to church. and that's... it. that's it. holy fucking fuck i just had a psychoanalytical revelation. holy fuck. the whole cumpulsion with wanting to hurt myself... when standing on balconies and such i have this cumpulsion to throw myself off. when i'm driving i sometimes feel like crashing my car. when i have my hidden anxiety attacks i feel like cutting. i still feel like cutting. holy fucking shit I JUST HIT IT ON THE HEAD. [/rant]

knowing this doesn't make me feel any better. i know i still see myself as unimportant. i'll still want to cut.

i only wish that i could say all of this out loud. that i wouldn't be afraid of what they might do to me when i tell them i'm an atheist.

i wish i wasn't such a headcase.