could i be you

so i'm back, i guess. a lot of shit has been flying through my head the past week, and now i'm extremely tired and feel sick so what better time to post, huh?

i made a point to get kyle's blog template done before we leave to cruces on saturday, so that's what i've spent the past four days on. it's reminded me that i really hate my computer, and broken tags, and broken sites (blogger, tripod, enetation, etc.). but i finally got it done, after changing most all of the html in a template so it would look how i want it. so now i can say that i made a skin for a blog, even though it really pissed me off sometimes. but anything i could come up with would've been better than me twitching every time the font changed on kyle's posts. that was really too much for me to handle. and besides, he really likes the tatu template, and that's what matters. so yeah.

so tired. oh prom. prom was... prom. i mean it was fun, but i could've lived without it. i was there for two people, and they were happy that i was there, so in that way it was a success. but yeah, i meant the excuses that i put out there a while ago about why i wouldn't go to prom. i wasn't miserable, in fact there were some really nice moments... nice memories... that i'm glad about, and i was forceably taken onto the dancefloor and made to dance, despite my not wanting to. and that could go two ways, but it's not worth talking about right now. so i don't know. prom. i could've taken it either way. parts of it i look back on and am really happy about, others just make me sad.

it just sends me into a total downward spiral. thinking about everything. thinking about people. the same old crap that always fucks me up. i don't want to feel anymore. i just don't. i want to be one solid black color. one even mood. one even personality.

there are three colors in my life: blue, black, and grey. today was a grey day. yesterday was a grey day. i've had a long span of grey days with black nights. perfectly black thoughts. i had a perfectly blue moment at prom. it's been a hell of a long time since i've had a blue moment. i can't even remember having a blue day. i have a feeling that tomorrow's gonna be a black day, stemming from about two hours ago. i want it to be a black day. if it can't be a blue day, it better be a black day. none of this grey emotional headcase crap.

so many things that you've said to me. i look back on it now and realize that you're completely right. i knew you were right then when you told me, i just was grey and couldn't process it. almost everything that you've ever said. it's a shame the way things have to end up.

i've just... been so busy this week. all the crap that teachers put you through. stupid projects. AP test that's a total waste of time and money and energy. people who just don't understand, and me just not having the energy anymore to put up with having to explain. the politics of things. power. not being able to change things.

welcome to your life, now give me it.

i'm done. i'm just done with everything.

i need a blue day.