if you wrap yourself in daffodils,
i will wrap myself in pain

and it's over. maybe now i can get some rest. i'm sure my teachers would've given me homework this weekend, they were just caught offguard by exams.

have you ever wanted to tell someone close to you how you really felt, but the consequenses of doing so are too scary to imagine? i wish it could be done without having to take a risk. i'm not one for taking risks. i've been burned too many times, and like i've said, i'd rather regret something i didn't do than something i've done. it's childish, it's stupid. i'll never get anywhere in life with that mindset. you can't always shelter yourself from hurt, that's not life.

do people ever want to willingly walk into being hurt? sometimes i'd rather keep my feelings inside than risk messing up my relationships with others, 'cause they're all that i have right now. other times... i just want to out and say it. i believe in being truthful to the people you love (not a moralistic thing exactly... i find i have very few morals), and keeping my thoughts and feelings from people almost seems like being untruthful. and then there's the flip side to that: it's not really a lie if no one ever asked you about it. which i can agree with. i'd be truthful if [the right people] asked me my thoughts/feelings. it's the volunteering information thing i have a hard time with.

i don't think i'm strong enough to handle being rejected. is anyone, really?

i don't name names, i don't put a pinpoint on my feelings. i don't state my beliefs with conviction. i don't stand up and say this is who i am. not even in this blog. ah, the dilemma of the blog. it's public, and that's why i liked it. public means other people can read me, maybe feel that they're not alone sometimes. it also means that my friends can see this, and although i'm perfectly comfortable with some people, i'm not comfortable with others. and it shouldn't matter, but in a small way it still does. i can't come out and proclaim myself. not because i don't know who i am, but because i'm scared. to death.

but i can never be hurt or scared if i keep things to myself. it's not the ideal life, but right now, for my life, it's better than some of the alternatives.