time heals but i'm forever broken

when did this happen. when did life pass me by and in a fit of rage i just let go. when did everything go wrong, and in my disillusionment i convinced myself i was out of it, when really i never left, just got more bitter as time went by.

when did i stop being enthusiastic. i can't remember the last time i was really, genuinely enthusiastic about something, so into life that my mind was full of smiles and happiness. can't remember.

it's been a long road, getting to who i am in this moment, and i can't tell if i was always this way, truely, or if something happened to make me snap. i remember so little of who i was when i was a kid. just that i was always terrified of people, of getting yelled at, of meeting new people, of straying from my routine. terrified. she's shy they'd say. always quiet and shy. why? why quiet and shy? why not she doesn't want to step into shit that'll get her in trouble. why not she can't handle us because we don't understand her? why. things would've been better if people had just left me alone. at least i like to tell myself that.

who was i? i was someone who hated yelling and screaming so much, thought it so painful in any situation, that i internalized it, making it so that i physically can't scream or yell. that's who i was, and who i am now.

i was someone who found out that no matter if you did something wrong or not, you're always gonna get shit for it. damned if you do, damned if you don't, my childhood mantra. avoid getting blamed for shit you didn't do as much as possible, but in the end it doesn't matter anyway. children have no power. children are never right. children need discipline, because they are all guilty. just stand there and take it, until you master being able to block out the words and actions of your accusers. that's all you can do, take it, because you have no power, and if the shit really hits the fan, where are you gonna go?

i was someone who distrusted everyone. don't share your feelings or thoughts, 'cause that shit will come back to haunt you in the end. everyone you think might possibly be worthy of your trust, really isn't. you've already been down that road too many times before, you don't have to prove it to yourself again. don't give them an opening to your soul just to have them beat it down. it's not worth it.

i was someone who didn't have anything to say, because children aren't meant to say anything, really. no one cares, and you'll most likely just get hurt by voicing your opinion anyway.

so i kept to myself. it worked, for the most part.

when did it happen. when. the moment i left all my friends and everything i knew, against my will (because children don't really have any will, adults have to make choices for them), and went to and eternal hell as i knew it. was it then? i don't know. i became angry at my situation and that i couldn't change it (damned if you do, damned if you don't). anger turned into sadness, turned into not caring. if i can't live my life, i might as well not live at all.

right there.

a genius thought that made perfect sense to me. it still makes sense to me. the first time i had the fear of god to keep me from it, along with another perfect thought: things will be better. you have no idea how much that logic pissed me off. now, i have no fear of god, and i still think that things will be better (they were, but with a price), but it just doesn't seem worth the "better" anymore. not really. but i made a (stupid?) promise to myself then that i'd never go through with it, ever. and i make it a point to keep promises i've made to myself.

not caring is a wonderful thing. i don't know if you've ever experienced it. i did, in the time after that. i figured, the cause for all my pain, all my stress and unhappiness, was the fact that i cared. about anything. caring about doing good in school. making friends. obeying to avoid punishment. anything. take away all your cares, about your well being, other people's thoughts of you, your parents expectations or whatever crap they're pulling with you now. death. life. love. hate. just stop caring. let it all go. nothing affects you then, because whatever happens, you don't attach yourself to it, to the consequenses.

it was my release. my chance to block out the world, and just focus on myself. what i'm feeling at any given moment, my thoughts, my questions. i streamlined my "logic of unhappiness" to one statement: you care about things because you're thinking of the future, what implications your actions have on your future. you're attached to your future. let it go. what is the future, really? you can't predict it, because every choice you make changes it. you can't be in it, because everything you experience is the present. you can never know what the "future" holds. so why do we hold to the thought of a future? it didn't make sense, so i made it make sense for me. there is no future. there is only your thoughts and emotions at the moment, your present actions, and the knowledge you have from the past.

that, my friends, was an epic thought.

but was it always there, or did one moment in time spawn all that came from it?

that can go two ways, depending on how i view time at this moment. and i don't want to get into it, because that theory is big enough to fill it's own post.

my beliefs, my views. when? it began then, but it didn't really happen until right now. when i realized i'm behind. behind life. other people can hold on to time, consciously move with it, and they never get passed by. they've done what's expected of them, they're ready to move on. and since i never cared, i lost track of time. no, not lost track. i could see it moving by, vividly, i just couldn't bring myself to grit my teeth and bare it, letting time take me with it. a sort of deviance, i guess. i see you passing without me, well then just go. i don't need you anyway. you've never done anything for me, so why should i follow you.

and it's me. right now. bitter and angry, pessimistic and broken by time. when. why. i try and pinpoint it, but i know i'm still wrong. things just happen when they happen, and you don't ever think of taking note to slight changes in your personality, if they're even changes at all, or just something being brought out that you've always had in you.

but the fact is now i'm behind. and i don't know what i want more, to try and catch up, to go with the flow and see where time takes me, or to defiantly stand my ground, cussing out time as it goes by.

"i try to fool myself in believing things are gonna get better, but life goes on"

i knew i liked that album for a reason.

i'm tired of caring. and i do, now, unfortunately. i've cared for three years (consequently i've also felt this way for three years). and caring has brought me some great people, but in awhile they'll be gone, what is there to care about that's worth it when they're gone? them, of course, because you can't just stop loving someone.

when isn't a time, it's a state of being. why isn't a valid question, just an excuse to explain away who you are. you are never who you were before, no matter how much you think you are. you can't pinpoint change, change is relative. and i can't do anything but ramble for an hour, and get back to nowhere.

i just need time.

how ironic.