no comment from the peanut gallery

there was a time in my life when all i wanted to do was write. don't hold me down, don't toss me out, just throw myself into it and write. and i did. and i loved it. i wrote fiction, because i couldn't deal with reality. every time i voiced my opinion/belief on things that happen i'd just get pushed away. in the sorrow of losing a loved one, who can really grasp that he's still around, when in reality you can't see him? i had far out thoughts that relied way too much on religion back then.

and then i couldn't write fiction anymore. i couldn't escape reality like i was previously able to. so i wrote the truth. long, drawn out confessions of who i was, how much i hated reality, how badly i wanted to slip into unconsciousness. but i was writing. and it was in that period of time that i wrote the best stuff ever. and then we had to write for a grade (something i despise), and my words were censored, and click, i lost it. losing my ability to write was like dying a second death.

in a period of three weeks i was able to throw myself back into my emotions, my life, my reality, and write. and words just poured out of me again, and i felt good. well, i felt depressed and pissed off, but i felt good being able to write down the truth. i dig out that poetry book maybe once a year, and can't believe that i wrote that. that's when you know you have a good thing, when your own writing surprises you.

it's also when you know you've lost a good thing.

this summer when i was having my little bout with insomnia, i stayed up and wrote. and i got some good truthful stuff. i also got a lot of crap. but the thing was i made myself write. even if it was crap, because once you sift through all the meaninless crap, you get to the truth.

i want to be able to do that again. and it seems now i have time to let myself write.

like i did right now.

my posts aren't always decent, most of the time there isn't really any reason for me to post, except that it makes me write. if you write down everything, eventually you'll get one really good post, and then all the other crap posts won't matter. at least, that's how i view this thing.

and so. for the past two weeks i've been on the verge of a physical/mental breakdown, since i've kept myself so damn stressed about school. i don't think i'll ever recover (physically) from this semester, but i still have to try.

off.