pain to ease the pain

i don't know. i don't know why it happens, it just does. a day goes wrong, i have too much in my head and not enough sense to just let myself cry it out and feel like disappearing the next day. not enough sense. maybe i have too much sense.

i don't like having to go through the process. i've done it too many times, and it just comes back. days, moods, states like this demand action. a nervous feeling, a suspicious glance, an act. and it all just dissipates, leaves my eyes and mind, my soul and being. and then calm.

hasn't happened in a while. don't know if it will, actually. i had enough sense to take a few hours to calm down. am i calm now? more than before, yes. but the feeling's still lingering, it's still inside my head.

so everything comes to a depressive, slightly suicidal climax (do not take that last phrase the wrong way). besides, what is a body anyway? nothing. there is no body. there is no mind. there is no death.

gone, gone, gone beyond, gone altogether beyond, oh what an awakening, all hail