afraid to be gone

i have three days left. three days and then i'll be gone for three weeks, but once i drive out of this city i never will really come back. at least not to the same place that i left. i haven't seen people in almost a week, and i don't know what to do with that. i haven't really had to "cope" or start again or anything like that since i've just been sitting in my bed, holding onto the thought that tomorrow will come and the weekend will be here and i'll be able to sit among all my friends again just like before, before when i was ok and you were ok and i could talk to you and not feel like i'm keeping you from something more important. but now it's just me talking on a computer screen into a blank void. does anyone listen anymore? i have no idea. i don't see people for a week and it's like they just... disappear. and i don't want anyone to disappear but i don't have a choice in the matter, in fact i don't know why they kept me around so long in the first place.

why did you keep me around? i don't like thinking of you. i don't like missing you. i don't like the fact that i have no idea what's going on in your head. every time i see you again it's like i'm a different person. from weekend to weeknight to weeks ahead. no one talks about the awkwardness of it all, the whispers, the un-invitations. no one talks about the person sitting all alone while everyone else just goes on with what they were doing.

and shit, why can't i feel anything? i could always feel at least that little something, whenever you would walk in a room i would feel safe again. has it changed? i don't know. i haven't seen you in a forever. and will i ever see you again?

and what if i never see you again? what then?

i don't like thinking in terms of three people. i know i have to stop it, and stop it quick, but it just isn't happening.

things have to get fixed. i have to get fixed. but i have a feeling that when i come back, everyone else will be gone. they won't get to see the good me, the un-broken me. no one will see me. do people see me now? i think i'm disappearing. i've always wondered what it would be like to disappear.

every time i tried to disappear, you were there to catch me. the last time you weren't there, he was there. you're both gone, you're all gone, and i don't know if i want to catch myself.

the scars are damn near healed. haven't told everyone about that yet. don't know if i should. last time didn't turn out at all. weston at aware didn't even mention them though, even with them there in plain sight. it was good though.

i got my one piercing for the year. i don't think it's going to do anything for me though, seeing as how i've been on the whole dead to all feeling for the past three weeks. i don't know. i just don't know.

i've been waiting on here for someone to get online. just so i could talk to another person and not seem like, like what, like i'm an obligation or something. i have to go into town tomorrow, and i really want to see you people, but then i'd just be the little girl who can't function on her own again.

i just want to feel safe again.