life revolving around something that i don't want to admit is there

it seems as though i'm trying to procrastinate for the very last time. i've been all wound up since thursday, and knowing that i have to give a speech just made me start shaking. i'm sitting here and my fingertips are freezing, and i can feel that i'm tense and on the edge of some sort of breakdown, and that i need to just relax and let things just wash away. but as much as i know it, i can't do it.

it's weird, and i do this all the time. i know that something's wrong, or illogical, or whatever else, and i just can't get over it. high school is over, i can finally get out of it all, and yet i'm still so wound up over all the childishness of it all. i've been saying for the past couple weeks that i feel like such a child in the midst of everyone else's lives. everyone goes on, and has a goal, or at least goes somewhere, and i'm a scared little girl who doesn't want anything to change. i keep telling myself that i can finally relax, and really have a good time, just chill out and live life as it comes to me. but then i come back to this house, to this life and i'm pulled in again. yesterday. i finally just jumped back into bed and pulled the covers close to my face and cried because i was so tired. i knew that i had other things that i had to do, but i just couldn't do it. i couldn't write anything decent for a speech, i couldn't drive, i couldn't please. i fell asleep and woke up with a start an hour and a half later. late for kyle and daivd's party. and i freaked.

i want to stop freaking out. i don't actively aim to please, but yet i find myself doing things for other people. thinking that shit, i didn't even try to get second in the class for myself. but to say that, that would be letting other people down.

i'm such a hypocrite.

safety is leaving me in two weeks. i'm so ready, and yet i'm so scared. why? scared that i'll fail, because that's my biggest fear. not death or betrayal or ailment, but failure. but i know that people love me, and that no matter what happens people will still be there for me. and it makes things ok again. that is, when i'm not freaking out.

i find that i can't write if i'm not on this blog. i have one hour to write my speech, so maybe i'll be able to just write here and something will come out.

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