breathing under water and living under glass

why isn't this working why isn't this working why isn't this working why isn't this working?

i should've gotten off of those damn pills months ago. i'm so fucking out right now i don't know what to do with myself. it's like twitching and cracking and freaking all over again. manic and pissed and everywhere and i want to go and be anywhere doing anything just so i don't have to sit down i can't sit down. i want to write and write and write but it's not fucking coming and i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i can't hear what i'm supposed to hear or do what i'm supposed to do, so just get off my fucking back and stop wanting me to do what you want.

and i don't want to be a fucking dull grey shell again. i hate this so much but i don't want to not feel anything. freaking is better than just sitting and not thinking and not feeling. be someone do something get out of your head and crush everything that doesn't help.

maybe i should make it a point to visit mark tomorrow.

right now i want to be so out of it, and so intensely in it at the same time. i want to be used. then i'll feel something at least for a while.

be me? be me. look out you fucking bitch of a body. and i swear, if you level me off and make me dull to everything, i'll have to kick some sense back into you.